To want an apology from DH's son

[RainbowCarpetSurfing]

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

I understand where you're coming from. My son (who's now 14 so should be older enough to know better) has a bad habit of getting angry at anyone in his presence when he hurts himself.

He seems to struggle with the concept of feeling upset and angry that he's in pain and directing that anger at one of us. I also ask him to apologise once he's calmed down and he's getting better. But the stepchild dynamic may make that a more difficult decision to make and I guess perhaps you have to pick your battles.

Honestly, this is a very small issue and making it bigger than it is will lead to hell in the teen years.

Parents who see every small issue as a lack of respect etc are usually parents who deserve very little respect because they haven't learnt to manage minor conflict in relationships.

Pick your battles.

YABU to place this at your DSS’s door. He’s a hurt 10 year old, probably embarrassed too (they so often hate being seen to cry at that age) and your background story mentions he can’t handle his emotional responses.

Getting an apology (and stressing how he disobeyed instructions to “stay back” ) look like petty point scoring.

YABU to say it’s a step parent issue. Trust me, loads of us birth parents deal with this crap too.

YANBU to see what’s really wrong is your DH’s behaviour and parenting. He’s damaging this boy, your marriage and ultimately the relationship between all 4 siblings.

I am sorry you’re so unhappy. It’s not fair in you or the children.

Just wondering also, how is your DH with your eldest son, the one who isn’t your DH. Does he discipline him? Because you could use that example when talking to him too. Plus with his disability this situation can’t be good for him

My late husband had two daughters and it was horrendous at times. He let them get away with murder, and they would completely ignore me if I asked something. Yet I was always the one in the wrong. I feel for you I really do.