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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from DH's son

404 replies

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:29

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Imiss2019 · 14/01/2021 16:39

Well he had a point to be fair. If you want to be respected don’t do stupid things 🤷‍♀️

Minky37 · 14/01/2021 16:39

Well I wouldn’t allow my kids to screech at me in this way. He’s also 10, so not a toddler.
I would say sorry that he hurt himself and he can have a think about how he spoke to me and come back and apologise later.

WilsonMilson · 14/01/2021 16:39

He’s hurt and sore and lashed out, it’s what kids do. Hell, it’s what we all do. I think you’re being a bit precious to be making a big deal about this and wonder if there is some back story, resentment towards his kids that makes you more sensitive to bad behaviour from them?

justkeepswimmings · 14/01/2021 16:40

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MrsPinkCock · 14/01/2021 16:40

Let it go. YABU to make a drama out of this.

user1493413286 · 14/01/2021 16:40

I would let it pass considering it wasn’t really a good idea of yours. If you can’t do that then I’d probably approach it with him as admitting it wasn’t a good idea on your part but pointing out that there’s still no need to shout or be rude.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 14/01/2021 16:40

@shitinmyhandsandclap

He's 10, he hurt himself, he shouted. He's not disrespecting you and doesn't owe you an apology.

And it's head the balloon, not header it

It's header in Scotland.

At least the tenth post I've seen this week from someone who assumes their way of speaking is the only way.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:41

Would none of you be disappointed / bothered if your DC screamed at a teacher then? Or is it only ok to do to step parents Hmm

OP posts:
loopyapp · 14/01/2021 16:42

I think if this was my nearly 10 year old I would let him calm down then go to him to check he was ok. I would apologise for suggesting the element of the game that led to the injury but explain that it hurt my feelings a little to be shouted at. If he apologised i'd accept it with praise for being so grown up, if not I would wait until abother time to casually talk about the importance of understanding when apologies are important, especially around hurt feelings.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:42

@Minky37

Well I wouldn’t allow my kids to screech at me in this way. He’s also 10, so not a toddler. I would say sorry that he hurt himself and he can have a think about how he spoke to me and come back and apologise later.
This is in line with my thinking, thank you.
OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 14/01/2021 16:43

@RainbowCarpetSurfing our house is open plan and I still wouldn’t suggest a game of headers, the kids do it and it’s predictable that this happen every time because they’re dodging furniture.
Why would you not want a child to express themselves past toddlerhood? I don’t encourage shouting obviously but they’re kids learning how to deal with things.

MotherExtraordinaire · 14/01/2021 16:43

Tbh, your own children will do this some day too. It's a reaction to the pain and probably embarrassment as well.
It would have been far better to have had a quiet conversation. Perhaps. Highlighting that you were very shortsighted in suggesting the game, but he also should not speak in that way. Simple. No major drama.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 14/01/2021 16:43

You're his family, not his teacher!

I think this is one of those things when you have little kids: you think big kids are much more grown up than they really are. They're still only just past being wee! Give him a break.

Imiss2019 · 14/01/2021 16:43

You’re not a teacher though. Stop being a drama queen 🙄 besides If a teacher had set up a game of head the balloon and someone got hurt they’d be slaughtered on here!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/01/2021 16:44

I would not accept the screeching to me or anyone else

Indecisive12 · 14/01/2021 16:45

It’s completely different screaming at a teacher to expressing his upset and frustration to a step parent. It’s actually not a bad thing in my eyes, he feels able to express these feelings rather than suppress them to save face. If he was shouting ‘this is you’re fault, I hate you, you’re a shit step-mum’ that’s different but this just sounds like how many kids would react to any parent.

ZoeTurtle · 14/01/2021 16:45

Mountain out of a molehill. Calm down and listen to your husband.

hedgehoglurker · 14/01/2021 16:46

YABU

Whywonttheyhelpme · 14/01/2021 16:46

Get a grip. You are an adult and they are children.
When an accident happens children look for someone to blame. Quite rightly, they blamed you as it was your silly idea.

From what you have said, I doubt very much it has anything to do with you being a step-parent as the children seem to like you. If you want to keep it that way I was shut up and stop being ridiculous.

InsertRudeWord · 14/01/2021 16:46

He's 11! Hmm

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2021 16:46

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Would none of you be disappointed / bothered if your DC screamed at a teacher then? Or is it only ok to do to step parents Hmm
But he isnt he is at home, in unusual and difficult circumstances with someone who is his family. You are not a teacher you are his step mother.

No he probably shouldnt have reacted like that and once he has calmed down he may well apologise. But let him come to the conclusion of what he should do and work through his emotions rather than coming down on him.

Emotions are normal particularly now - the fact that he is comfortable enough actually says something positive about your relationship rather than negative.

See it as him being comfortable enough with you to express his emotions rather than a lack of respect. Pride/embarrassment caused this.

You want a good relationsip with him leave it and see what he does.

MabelMoo23 · 14/01/2021 16:46

Children do behave differently at home to at school. Because home is their safe space and they are loved.

It was your idea. Just let it go. Or are you fucked off / disrespected because as you’ve pointed out he’s DH’s son?

He’s still a child who lashed out and hurt himself. Your child will be no different

Justmuddlingalong · 14/01/2021 16:49

Am I right in presuming that your kids aren't old enough to have screamed how much they hate you yet?

Timeforredwine · 14/01/2021 16:49

Totally normal reaction and emotion from child. Silly to have suggested a game where heads can collide, they are children but accidents happen. Woukd see if child was ok and give them a cuddle, perhaps says oops maybe not such a good game after all. You will be surprised as they grow older and are exposed to even the influence of class mates what they may or may not do/act regardless of sit. It isnt because your a step mum necessarily.

FTMF30 · 14/01/2021 16:49

So the dynamic is that ypu can play with the DS' but you can't speak to them yourself? Why did you not just say "I'm sorry you hurt your head, that was a silly idea. I understand you're hurt but it's not nice to shout at me". Why do you have to wait for their dad to step in?