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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from DH's son

404 replies

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:29

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SquirtleSquad · 14/01/2021 17:27

You're very unreasonable

My older kids drop my toddler too, they're full siblings.
Kids shout, maybe do some fun exercises on managing feelings in the house. Kids are going through a fucking lot at the moment.

marshmallowfluffy · 14/01/2021 17:27

🤣🤣 at night tolerating shouting past toddlerhood. You're in for a rough ride if you think that will happen or is likely.
Kids don't have fully developed brains so they impulsively say things. You should have let him go and stew then talk to him when he's calmed down. Your child will shout stuff at you when he's a pre-schooler and at school because kids get angry and that's healthy. Kids who are too scared to be angry sometimes or scared of adult reactions are to be pitied as they are bottling feelings and on the way to becoming an adult doormat. You see those adults on here regularly- they won't tell other adults like their parents and ILs that they are upset when in a family with a healthy dynamic, people get angry.
Kids sometimes shout at (step) parents because they are totally comfortable with them where as at school there's generally a politeness that goes towards teachers.
Have you ever seen or asked your ss what a game of football in the playground is like? There will be plenty of shouting and other shocking behaviour like this towards peers. I realise that you're not the same age as him but if you want a more distant, polite relationship then you need to play with them less but I suspect that you're not thinking that and assuming that your childhood was the norm.
It is fine to discuss the outburst when he's calmed down but he's bumped his head and shocked/embarrassed. It's obviously not your fault but in order to save face he's twisted reality to say that you're responsible because you suggested the game that he could have declined.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 14/01/2021 17:27

Any normal parent would let him calm down, then tell him you don't scream at other people that way and APOLOGISE because it was your fault in the first place.

If he's already compared with his step-brother all the time, the poor kid might be having a shit time every time he sees his dad.

Tenyearsgone · 14/01/2021 17:27

It was your fault. You should apologise to him for suggesting a game that any parent would know would end in someone getting hurt.

PenguinUnit · 14/01/2021 17:27

Posters have said he is a child and your having NONE of it will till your own is 10/11

I don't see why age matters. In fact even less so when they are older (and we have a 9 & 11 year old before anyone accuses me of not getting it).

I would absolutely expect my kids to say sorry for shouting once the situation had settled and we'd spoken about it. As I would have also done to my own parents. Because hurt or not it's not okay to scream at someone, especially when you were the one who caused that by not listening to instructions.

No I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and it wouldn't be something I'd get angry about but I'd absolutely talk to them after the dust had settled and say look, this is why I asked you to do X, so you wouldn't get hurt, do you see that now? It's not okay to shout at Mum when you get cross, can you say sorry to me please? I'd get a sorry for shouting and then we'd have a cuddle and I'd check their head and everyone would move on. I'd expect that to be fairly normal.

I don't think ignoring the fact that your child has screamed at you because they didn't listen to instructions is good parenting tbh. Not the biggest of deals no but it's a small thing that I'd definitely address.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:27

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

There's no way you would have written such a thread if it was your own child, not in this tone. You make it very clear from the start he's not your bio child!

You are massively BU.

and completely ridiculous.

Well yes I would, because I'm raising my children to know that it's not acceptable to scream in an adults face.

I was taught that very early on. I'm modelling my standards on that of my DParents. Thankfully some people agree.

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 14/01/2021 17:29

@Orf1abc

This was an entirely foreseeable accident. It was a stupid idea.

Check he's OK and move on from it.

This! You’re the adult in this situation. You need to think about possible risks and mitigate them. When you were saying what you were playing I knew they were going to bang heads. Just move on.
PenguinUnit · 14/01/2021 17:29

To be fair I don't think the 'you wouldn't have written this thread about your own child' comments are particularly fair. One of the hardest things about step parenting is not being able to do what you'd do with your own kids all the time. If it was OPs child, she probably would have just gone and asked for the apology.

Fembot123 · 14/01/2021 17:29

I think the fact you are a parent to a toddler is more relevant here. Kids yell when they hurt themselves, Is there any chance he’ll calm down and apologise himself without coaxing?

Fembot123 · 14/01/2021 17:30

@PenguinUnit

To be fair I don't think the 'you wouldn't have written this thread about your own child' comments are particularly fair. One of the hardest things about step parenting is not being able to do what you'd do with your own kids all the time. If it was OPs child, she probably would have just gone and asked for the apology.
I agree
Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 17:30

It was your fault. You should apologise to him for suggesting a game that any parent would know would end in someone getting hurt.

I bet it’s a right barrel of laughs in your house!

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 14/01/2021 17:31

because I'm raising my children to know that it's not acceptable to scream in an adults face.

I love the perfect parent before they have children or the children are very small Smile

Maybe you should model your standards on being a decent step-mother and have a look at your own questionable behaviour? You are the adult after all...

hannahrose123 · 14/01/2021 17:31

@Justmuddlingalong

How is telling your DS that it is not acceptable to scream at adults belittling?

'DSS, I am very sorry that you got hurt and I hope you are feeling okay. However, when you hurt yourself, it really isn't okay to scream at other people. Whilst I appreciate you were hurt at the time and your reaction was one of shock, it's not an appropriate reaction to have and then not apologise to the adults around you after the fact.'

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 17:32

@Fembot123

Hmmm, ok 😋
Weird that you think you should be able to talk to anyone in whatever way you feel like, but they can't do the same back.
marshmallowfluffy · 14/01/2021 17:32

It's not an anti stepparent thread.
Your child will one day shout at you and say stuff like "I hate you" "I don't love you" because they'll be angry and think that's how they should hurt you.
You've mentioned your h parenting them differently. Is he more strict or more lenient? Does he parent the child that you have together in the same way that he parents his older boys?

Parkperson · 14/01/2021 17:32

No teacher would suggest such a dangerous game. Own it, OP and next time think more carefully about the consequences of a silly game you suggested.
Go and say sorry, chances are he will give you a cuddle back.

LaceyBetty · 14/01/2021 17:33

@charlestonchaplin

This would be completely unacceptable in my country of origin and many others I can think of. Different parenting standards leads to different standards of behaviour in children. You can see from this thread why behaviour in British schools is such a problem. The teachers have few methods of discipline at their disposal and many parents don’t bother.

People often attribute bad behaviour to hormones but it’s a complete fallacy and abdication of responsibility because children all over the world have hormones and many are much better behaved than here (U.K.).

Please tell us what amazing country this is! Can't stand arguments like this. I'm sure all children from that country are little princes compared to the hideous children of the UK.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 17:33

@Tenyearsgone

It was your fault. You should apologise to him for suggesting a game that any parent would know would end in someone getting hurt.
So if I suggested my ds goes for a ride on his bike and he falls off that would be my fault?
Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:34

@Tenyearsgone

It was your fault. You should apologise to him for suggesting a game that any parent would know would end in someone getting hurt.
Its not though is it.

I accept it was a bad idea, but the head bumping happened because they chose to deliberately ignore instructions after being told to stay where they were.

Crap analogy but if I asked him to pick up his toys and he trod on lego would that be my fault too?

We were playing a game, safely, until they chose to ignore the instructions set out to keep them safe.

Other DSS isn't mad at me.

OP posts:
Fembot123 · 14/01/2021 17:34

I don’t even know you @Iminaglasscaseofemotion 😂 I don’t know in what situation you’d be able to give me a piece of your mind hence good luck with that.

Parkperson · 14/01/2021 17:34

PS. I am a teacher. A PE teacher who suggested something like this would be in trouble.
You are at fault, even if unintentionally. Try to be the bigger person.

TwentyTwentyOne · 14/01/2021 17:35

You suggested a head butting game, Poe kid smashed heads with another and YOU want an apology.

I think you should be apologising to him TBH.
What if he’s got concussion?

Parkperson · 14/01/2021 17:36

Just checked. Yes, you did post in AIBU and yes, most posters think you are being unreasonable.

Biffbaff · 14/01/2021 17:37

Isn't the point not that he shouted but what he shouted? It's not actually OP's fault that he banged his head and the kneejerk apportioning of blame is a bit sad, like it's ok if he did that himself, accidents happen. I'd probably have said at the time that it wasn't my fault but I hoped he was OK

Rosebel · 14/01/2021 17:37

Your a step parent on MN so you will be in the wrong no matter what. The resposes are why I don't post about my SD.
Anyway YANBU. He's 11 and didn't follow the rules and got hurt. Absolutely no excuse to scream at you.
I would have given him time to cool off, then explain you are sorry he got hurt but you don't want to be screamed at. Have a cuddle and move on.
I wouldn't make him apologise but would hope he would after you spoke to him.