To want an apology from DH's son

[RainbowCarpetSurfing]

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

I don't think I'm immature or childish as claimed by some PP's but I do occasionally think I'm too young to be dealing with this shit

Wow, I wholeheartedly concur. I could never have taken on step children at the age of twenty. I admire you for your strength of character, insight and tolerance. I think the opposite - you entered into this arrangement very very young; you deserve so much better from your DH. Please do not devalue yourself or your children by putting up with this anymore.

I mean I think the opposite, as in you have shown high levels of maturity.

‘ I don't plan on tolerating it from my own children, past toddlerhood’

Reader how I laughed at this.

Joking aside OP, you have unrealistic expectations of this child. And you very clearly have relationship issues. Focus on those rather than on this little boy who is a perfectly ‘normal’ child in terms of personality/reactions/response.
He was hurt and upset and your main concern is to get an apology from him?
That’s not a reasonable reaction. Be careful you don’t turn him into a whipping boy for your relationship issues.

Was there a short gap though (and I ask this not because I am damming you but because I suspect he needing someone to step in and be your role).

He had been split with his ex for around 8 months when I met him, but I didn't meet the DSS myself for a similar amount of time after we began dating.

He wasn't trying to rush me in as a step parent, in fact he was reluctant to introduce us too soon (which I admired at the time, even if the motivation behind that was more about not upsetting his ex than it were about doing things by the book for the children)

Wow, I wholeheartedly concur. I could never have taken on step children at the age of twenty. I admire you for your strength of character, insight and tolerance. I think the opposite - you entered into this arrangement very very young; you deserve so much better from your DH

Thank you I really appreciate those comments. It hasn't been easy but I've tried my best. I'm sure I fall short at times but that's life and we're only human. Whatever happens I can wholeheartedly say I've done by my best by those children and been nothing but loving and supporting towards them, whatever some on MN might think of me.

Joking aside OP, you have unrealistic expectations of this child. And you very clearly have relationship issues. Focus on those rather than on this little boy who is a perfectly ‘normal’ child in terms of personality/reactions/response.
He was hurt and upset and your main concern is to get an apology from him?
That’s not a reasonable reaction. Be careful you don’t turn him into a whipping boy for your relationship issues.

I'm guessing you haven't RTFT or don't recognise me from my posts. DSS' often has very disproportionate emotional responses to situations, often when he has done something wrong (I'm not saying he has done anything wrong in this case, aside screaming in my face)

He was hurt and upset and your main concern is to get an apology from him

No. My immediate concern was making sure he was ok which I did.

..However after all was said and done I did believe he should have apologised for screaming at me the way he did.

Did you apologise for headbutting him?

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

I do and always have gone above and beyond for them, I treat them with the same love and respect that I do my bio children.

If anybody thinks this is about me holding grudges or singling him out because he's not mine biologically they couldn't be further from the truth.

You’ve already said ‘Things such as my small toddler being dropped on the floor. Being unkind to my other child. Showing disdain towards Christmas presents I've bought.’ You are holding grudges

@MacDuffsMuff Well I immediately drew on her Holly Hobbit doll's face so we agreed that we were both for the high jump if we told on each other. We were a pair of twats as sisters often are. smile The 'high jump' would have meant stopping pocket money for weeks and extra chores round the house so we figured we'd keep quiet. This is brilliant, you obviously could work as a team if you needed to.

My worst experience with a sibling was my sister cutting off a great clump of my hair. I'd spent ages growing out layers and it had just all got to jaw length and suddenly there was this short clump. She got away with it though, I cried buckets. My father had died a few months earlier and I don't think my mother could cope. It's a wonder we never killed each other. She also cut a dress I was wearing, it was one she had grown out of and she wasn't happy I had it so she grabbed some dressmaking scissors and suddenly I had a six inch vent in my skirt.

I, obviously, was perfect and never did anything wrong. She might tell a different story.

Posters are suggesting we all “think” when I have my kids I won’t do that... but different once you have your own!

And yet step parents are told time and again "you knew what you were getting into*...we can't win!

OP I'm glad you're getting some more sympathetic responses now. I'm guessing you didn't include certain things in your initial post because you'd have taken it as a given that of course you'd already apologised to DSS etc - I mean what normal person wouldn't? And it's clear to me that him sulking for the rest of that time is the main concern really. But yes you do have a DH problem unfortunately.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

We all get upset and shout when we hurt ourselves.

True, but shouting out and shouting at somebody is different.

HE’S TEN. A literal child. YABU to expect him to regulate his emotions like an adult.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

..However after all was said and done I did believe he should have apologised for screaming at me the way he did.

Or you could try and be the bigger person and go and make friends again. Maybe suggest you’ve both over reacted a bit and say sorry to one another. Young kids shout at the nearest person when they get hurt. That’s not personal.

You are really young to be dealing with SC but that’s where you are. It’s really time to pick your battles. And just as an aside, saying they ‘stay over’ two night s a week makes them sound like visitors. Please try to reframe that in your mind that they live part of the week with you. And encourage your DH to talk with his ex to ensure that the boundaries and rules are similar in both houses.

Good luck, it’s sure to be a challenge.

@willloman

Did you apologise for headbutting him?

You can't be serious

Now I've headbutted him?

And yet step parents are told time and again "you knew what you were getting into...we can't win!

This with bells on

My intentions were pure when I met now-DH and still are, but I was incredibly naive.

I think this sums up a lot. Dealing with a 10 year old now and he's mine and I'm in my 40s and it's hard work. I think the expectations of may be a bit high, but sounds like your DH needs to take a very hard look at the whole picture of issues here. I wouldn't get hung up on expecting an apology though. That's not really going to solve anything. Not sure what the answer is though, sorry.

@MorganKitten

Are you for real? You think that her absolutely justified reluctance to dismiss her toddler being dropped on her head by her DSS (who seemed to escape any meaningful adult intervention by his father) is a grudge? You really have a twisted viewpoint. OP think you might benefit from stepping away from this thread now as there are some malicious responses that seem intent on just bringing you down. Disgusting.

[quote SiousieSoo]@MorganKitten

Are you for real? You think that her absolutely justified reluctance to dismiss her toddler being dropped on her head by her DSS (who seemed to escape any meaningful adult intervention by his father) is a grudge? You really have a twisted viewpoint. OP think you might benefit from stepping away from this thread now as there are some malicious responses that seem intent on just bringing you down. Disgusting.[/quote]
Thank you v much. Absolutely spot on.

My DD doesn't matter on this thread though because (to reference a PP) dropping a small toddler on her head is what siblings do.

She could have been killed or suffered irreparable brain damage, nvm though because second families are of less importance.

Well rest assured everybody who thinks I'm an awful person DSS may well be rid of me soon. Cheers to that

OP I'd leave this thread.

Honestly it's like trying to have a conversation with a gaggle of jeering teenagers sitting on a park bench.

Waste of time.

I hadn't clocked the age gap. It's probably also relevant. What your H has done is rebuild his life by 'drafting in' a new mummy, new babies... and then expecting that to basically work like his old family did, because, um, just because. There's literally no grasp, it seems, of this also being YOUR family, YOUR choices, and YOU equally in control. Hardly surprising as he gravitated towards someone so much younger.

But the main issue is just him. You said upthread that you're not cut out for stepparenting/blended family maybe. I'm not sure about that, but one thing that IS definite is that he isn't cut out for it. And it's common. He is pretty much a textbook particular kind of divorced dad and this is the way they do things and it is why their new families also fail. PLEASE go over to stepparents, because there are women there who are married to/blended families with EXACTLY the same kind of man, and there are a couple of posters especially who (perhaps because they tend to have children from their own first marriages and have a much more detailed insight) pinpoint and explain the dynamic your H has created absolutely perfectly. Just go there. Preferably to the thread I linked to before. You're not alone in having to deal with the Disney dad who wrecks everything around him with his Disney-ness.

Well rest assured everybody who thinks I'm an awful person DSS may well be rid of me soon. Cheers to that*

I'm sorry OP but that's a ridiculous comment, you've asked far advice and not got what you want. You're now saying you're going to leave, it's not DSS fault others have wound you up.

Thank you Yoni, it is heartening to know there are people who do get it. I'll go and have a look at that thread now.

I'm sorry OP but that's a ridiculous comment, you've asked far advice and not got what you want. You're now saying you're going to leave, it's not DSS fault others have wound you up.

I'm not saying that because of the replies on this thread, I've had that thought in the back of my mind for a while.

@YoniAndGuy could you possibly re-post the link to that thread when you have a mo? Can't seem to find it in the replies

Well rest assured everybody who thinks I'm an awful person DSS may well be rid of me soon. Cheers to that

This totally sums up your bitter attitude towards this boy, it is no surprise you are having issues with him. Until you change your perspective it is only going to get worse.

HE’S TEN. A literal child. YABU to expect him to regulate his emotions like an adult

Expecting an apology AFTER the incident is not the same as expecting him to regulate his emotions like an adult.

We all lash out sometimes. I understand why this boy did. But it doesn't mean he shouldn't say sorry AFTER once the situation has calmed down...

Why do some posters never rtft?!

OP before I read the backstory I thought you were overreacting. Now having read your posts and background I think you are at the stage of being emotionally overwhelmed yourself ( exactly what pp are excusing DSS for ). My 10yo is struggling with emotions just now, and is hypersensitive and overreacting to small issues, but we are trying to help him by pointing out gently what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Your poor DSS is being failed by your DH, and consequently so are you and your shared DCs. I have no advice, but just want you to know not all posters are flaming you.

Maybe he lashed out because he was going to cry and felt shame?
It wouldn’t bother me too much.
I don’t know about the other circumstances regarding your younger child, but in this specific instance I think YABU.

Meant to add, I would talk to him about it when everyone had calmed down though.

[quote RainbowCarpetSurfing]@YoniAndGuy could you possibly re-post the link to that thread when you have a mo? Can't seem to find it in the replies[/quote]
Hi OP, this was the one I was referring to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/a4081832-Move-from-blended-living-to-living-apart-together

Slightly different angle in that the posters there are generally talking about the issues that a blended family brings - when you have your own children and he has his. However what struck me on reading this was the way posters really 'got' and were dissecting the tangle of issues which pretty much come as standard with a divorced dad, especially one who isn't particularly emotionally insightful, and the havoc they can cause in a second family. The dad wants to recreate what he had - often trampling on the second family in the process and not helping his older kids either. Is a completely indulgent, Disney parent to the children who don't live with him - out of sheer fear that he'll either lose them OR will have to face up to the fact that the two 'homes' aren't equal, can never be, and that they don't live with him. All of that is heartbreaking and more so in that in his blind quest to make it all ok, he devalues, takes for granted, or treats unfairly the people he lives with, who are made to feel second-best.

That thread features several folk who chose to walk away, or to live apart but stay together, mainly in order to protect and nurture correctly their own children, who (as the children who live in the house permanently) were becoming second-class citizens compared to the golden children, for whom everything stopped on contact visits and who could never be wrong, or come second, etc. This is what you have. The difference is, your children are his children too. But still, you might find - especially with this age difference - that your eventual path will be to take your children away from living with a man who cannot parent well in the circumstances you are in. To be blunt, unless he can change, the only real option might be to put all the kids in the same 'box' for him by you also leaving him. It would also solve the issue of the huge sibling rivalry/bullying which is undoubtedly going to arrive on the scene in a few years' time.