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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from DH's son

404 replies

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:29

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:51

I don't feel able to address things with them myself as I parent in a totally different way to DH and get the distinct impression it's not my place.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:52

Mine are alot younger and whilst I won't kid myself that I'll ever be the perfect parent I just wouldn't tolerate that from my own DC. I don't see why I should tolerate it from DSS.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/01/2021 16:54

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

I don't feel able to address things with them myself as I parent in a totally different way to DH and get the distinct impression it's not my place.
Then that is an issue you have with your husband OP and not your SS.

Please take from this that he acted like that not because you are his SM but because he is comfortable enough to do so and that for a 10 year old boy it is a fairly normal reaction. Hopefully time will calm him down.

THe fact yuo cant say anything is the real problem here

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:54

In response to PP's I did say, immediately afterwards, that it was a silly idea and asked if he was ok.

To which he ignored me and continues to.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 14/01/2021 16:56

Well, have YOU apologised? You suggested this activity which led to them getting hurt. It seems to me that as the grown up here, you need to take the lead and model what it means to admit your mistakes and apologise for them, not the 10yo kid.

Russellbrandshair · 14/01/2021 16:56

You are being ridiculously OTT.

Let it go.

Same4Walls · 14/01/2021 16:56

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Mine are alot younger and whilst I won't kid myself that I'll ever be the perfect parent I just wouldn't tolerate that from my own DC. I don't see why I should tolerate it from DSS.
It's so easy to say that when your children are still so little in comparison though.
Russellbrandshair · 14/01/2021 16:56

@bridgetreilly

Well, have YOU apologised? You suggested this activity which led to them getting hurt. It seems to me that as the grown up here, you need to take the lead and model what it means to admit your mistakes and apologise for them, not the 10yo kid.
Very good point and I agree
Tal45 · 14/01/2021 16:56

I don't think it's ok to lash out because an accident happened and I wouldn't expect my lo to behave like that at that age, he might walk off upset but not be yelling at other people (I'm thinking at football practice or something like that).

I would be calm and explain that you're sorry he got hurt but that was why you told them to stay at different ends, accidents happen sometimes, that's normal and it's not any ones fault and anything to get angry about and shout about. Get him to talk about it if he will and say how he felt. I would also look at how he handles things when he has an accident, does he get really angry with himself or can he see it was just an accident and move on?

snurfflepots · 14/01/2021 16:57

I think it says a lot that your title says DH's son not 'my step son'.

optimisticpessimist01 · 14/01/2021 16:58

You asked if you are being unreasonable, the majority say you are, but you don't agree and are getting all defensive. Why bother posting?!

Murmurur · 14/01/2021 16:58

Would none of you be disappointed / bothered if your DC screamed at a teacher then? Or is it only ok to do to step parents hmm

It's not acceptable to shout in your face no, but the time to talk about any behaviour issues is not in the moment but when they have calmed down. Also, professionals such as teachers don't get to hold grudges. Forgiving children is part of building a relationship with them. They get to start every day with a blank sheet of paper in school and it should be the same at home.

Kids don't grow up as quickly as you think. They still have "toddler moments" long out of toddlerhood because they are still kids and still learning. Have a chat with him later when he's calmed down and hopefully you'll get that apology. If you go in hard you will just put him on the defensive and you'll be less likely to get the outcome you want. Either way, come tomorrow morning it needs to be all forgotten just like it would be at school. Not because you're a stepparent but because you're an adult.

Oneearringlost · 14/01/2021 16:58

But you're not his teacher, you're his family.
Pick your battles.
Laugh it off.
You'll feel better and he'll feel better.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:58

Yes I have.

I had a feeling the thread would go this way.

If I was posting about my own DS I'm sure I would have got a different response.

Step parents are always in the wrong on here and now apparently it's fine to scream and shout at them.

OP posts:
cantgetmyheadroundit · 14/01/2021 16:59

To be brutally honest, you have a bit of a shock coming if you think children's emotions can be so easily controlled.
I'm a step parent myself, it's really no big deal, he was upset. Gird your loins...

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:59

@snurfflepots

I think it says a lot that your title says DH's son not 'my step son'.
You're nitpicking.

I've referred to him countless times as DSS throughout.

OP posts:
CoolCatTaco · 14/01/2021 17:00

Honestly, you need to get a grip. You are making a huge issue out of nothing. And he has a point, as the adult you should have had enough common sense to know it could end it tears instead of acting the clown.

cantgetmyheadroundit · 14/01/2021 17:00

And just reading your latest post, it's nothing to do with being a step parent, it's being a parent.

SnowFields · 14/01/2021 17:00

I think that when your children are this age you will look back and think very differently about this situation.

bridgetreilly · 14/01/2021 17:00

If I was posting about my own DS I'm sure I would have got a different response.

Not from me. I'd still think it was more important for you to apologise than him in this situation.

Reinventinganna · 14/01/2021 17:01

Are you okay would have been the most appropriate response.

Namechanger0800 · 14/01/2021 17:02

Oh get over it - kids get cross when they hurt themselves. My DS once shouted at a PEcteacher when he fell over and fractured his ankle. To be fair the PE teacher was getting them to run backwards and wasn't supervising it properly - they rang me to apologise rather than demand an apology from my son who shouted in anger and pain

PenguinUnit · 14/01/2021 17:03

I probably wouldn't die on this hill but yeah I'd probably ask my child to apologise for shouting once they'd settled down.

Same4Walls · 14/01/2021 17:03

@SnowFields

I think that when your children are this age you will look back and think very differently about this situation.
Absolutely! It's all so essy to think how you will parent when you're children are little. When your children get to 10 you will realise they are still learning and most importantly they are still developing especially when it comes to controlling their emotions.
OrangeSlices998 · 14/01/2021 17:04

You’re getting a right kicking here OP. Step parents tend to in AIBU!

For what it’s worth, I do think it’s not on of him to be encouraged to talk to you about this. We all sometimes lash out if we get hurt, but it’s not okay to scream at someone just because we’ve had a bump on the head. Ideally his Dad would smooth things a little so you could have a chat and agree it was a silly idea of yours (although fun I’m sure!) and that he got hurt but he wasn’t nice.

YANBU.