Page 15 | To want an apology from DH's son

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 2021-01-14T16:29:26+00:00

DH has two DS' We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing. We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed. After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine. With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally *screams* "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious. ('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon) Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one. DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise. He's now sulking. AIBU?

SiousieSoo · 15/01/2021 10:44

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

I think your concerns are totally valid, and I think you would have had an easier time on this thread if you had outlined the very relevant background to this. I think you have had some really awful responses, with people just throwing insults at you, when it is clear your intentions are sound.

I just wanted to say that my son started high school in September and there is a child there who sounds very much like your DSS. He has no ability to emotionally regulate himself and very little resilience. The behaviours he displays are quite profound and it is quite upsetting. You only realise the absolute importance of something when you observe the 'absence' of it, if you like. I can empathise that this must be so difficult for you to deal with in the context of the disparity displayed towards your own younger children. And of course, they will become increasingly aware of this as they grow older and it will no doubt breed resentment. I feel that you have shown enormous tolerance so far but now is a time to assert your own needs for you and your children with some authority. You cannot compromise your and your children's well being to appease your DH's pretty poor parenting. Sorry

Original poster

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 15/01/2021 10:48

I'm sorry that things have gone too far. Do you think what happened yesterday was just another indication of that? How it wasn't handled by DH I mean?

Definitely. My OP alone is just one seemingly minor incident (so I do get why some people think I'm being daft) but it's another minor incident in a pool of other minor and some major incidents that have added up and resulted in a huge disparity between all of the children.

If it was DS who had screamed in my face regardless of the trigger I know for a fact DH would tell him off.

It's not that I want DSS to be told off, I just don't want him thinking it's ok to behave that way towards me.

I wanted (but didn't expect) DH to tell him not to scream at me like that but I should have known better because history has shown that he's just not prepared to address anything at all where they are concerned.

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Original poster

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 15/01/2021 10:51

[quote SiousieSoo]@RainbowCarpetSurfing

I think your concerns are totally valid, and I think you would have had an easier time on this thread if you had outlined the very relevant background to this. I think you have had some really awful responses, with people just throwing insults at you, when it is clear your intentions are sound.

I just wanted to say that my son started high school in September and there is a child there who sounds very much like your DSS. He has no ability to emotionally regulate himself and very little resilience. The behaviours he displays are quite profound and it is quite upsetting. You only realise the absolute importance of something when you observe the 'absence' of it, if you like. I can empathise that this must be so difficult for you to deal with in the context of the disparity displayed towards your own younger children. And of course, they will become increasingly aware of this as they grow older and it will no doubt breed resentment. I feel that you have shown enormous tolerance so far but now is a time to assert your own needs for you and your children with some authority. You cannot compromise your and your children's well being to appease your DH's pretty poor parenting. Sorry[/quote]
Thank you so much

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Godimabitch · 15/01/2021 10:52

Bigger picture is your DH is a shit dad essentially and the DSS are suffering for that. They're not bad, they're responding to the situation they're in.

But in THIS situation, you're wrong and need to make the first step. You encouraged him to do something that got him hurt, then he was hurt and upset and angry with your irresponsibility. You should have left him to calm down then gone and apologised to him for what you did and told him he upset you too and you'd appreciate an apology. You've acted like a child in this situation.

MacDuffsMuff · 15/01/2021 10:56

I wanted (but didn't expect) DH to tell him not to scream at me like that but I should have known better because history has shown that he's just not prepared to address anything at all where they are concerned.

OP, I'll be honest, when I read your OP I did think you were being daft and I'm sorry about that. It sounds like you feel that your DH has such different expectations of your DCs together and your DSS's and that won't bring harmony to the home environment at all. Do your DSS's live with you? How is DH with your DC when they are not there?

It sounds like he is the one causing the divide and it's bound to create resentment, both with you and with your DCs and DSS's as they all get older.

Original poster

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 15/01/2021 10:58

You encouraged him to do something that got him hurt, then he was hurt and upset and angry with your irresponsibility.

I feel bad that they got hurt, they know that.

Younger DSS laughed it off.

Is it really irresponsible though to be heading a balloon in a large space?

It's nothing they don't do with footballs, in fact it's alot less dangerous.

These are boys who climb trees and run around like whirlwinds.

He got hurt and I felt bad for that but even DH who takes their side every time - has said it wasn't my fault.

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Original poster

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 15/01/2021 11:03

OP, I'll be honest, when I read your OP I did think you were being daft and I'm sorry about that. It sounds like you feel that your DH has such different expectations of your DCs together and your DSS's and that won't bring harmony to the home environment at all. Do your DSS's live with you? How is DH with your DC when they are not there?

No need to apologise but thank you, I can see why some people would think I'm being daft without me going into the full backstory.

DSS' don't live with us no, they stay over twice a week.

When DSS' aren't here DH is kind but firm with our two.

He should of course be kind to all of his children and he is, but he's only firm with the little ones.

It sounds like he is the one causing the divide and it's bound to create resentment, both with you and with your DCs and DSS's as they all get older

Absolutely this with bells on, there is already some resentment on my part toward DH (and only DH) due to the disparity between the children that he has caused by treating them so differently.

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upsidedownwavylegs · 15/01/2021 11:13

I just wanted to say that my son started high school in September and there is a child there who sounds very much like your DSS. He has no ability to emotionally regulate himself and very little resilience. The behaviours he displays are quite profound and it is quite upsetting. You only realise the absolute importance of something when you observe the 'absence' of it, if you like.

I agree with this and I would add that while it’s upsetting to see in an 11 year old, it’ll be considerably more upsetting to see in a few years when he’s got the body of a man governed by the mind of an indulged child.

MacDuffsMuff · 15/01/2021 11:14

I haven't seen your other threads OP, so I don't know if you've already talked about this but what is your DH's response if you talk to him about this? Does he realise that it could be a deal-breaker?

CokeAndPepsi · 15/01/2021 11:19

I know times have changed but I wouldn't have dreamt of shouting/screeching at an adult like that and I don't plan on tolerating it from my own children, past toddlerhood.

I was going to say something snarky like “good luck with that” but if I’m being honest I used to say stuff like this too. I had no idea how silly it sounded.

MiddleParking · 15/01/2021 11:20

@CokeAndPepsi

I know times have changed but I wouldn't have dreamt of shouting/screeching at an adult like that and I don't plan on tolerating it from my own children, past toddlerhood.

I was going to say something snarky like “good luck with that” but if I’m being honest I used to say stuff like this too. I had no idea how silly it sounded.

So now you do just tolerate it when your children scream at you? Why don’t you reprimand them?

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/01/2021 11:26

It probably really bloody hurt as banging heads does. He doesn't owe you an apology for goodness sake, he's reacted in shock and pain. You're in for a shock going forward if you're that sensitive!

Tigger001 · 15/01/2021 11:31

Absolutely this with bells on, there is already some resentment on my part toward DH (and only DH) due to the disparity between the children that he has caused by treating them so differently.

Did he parent his children like that before your joint children came along?

bobbojobbo · 15/01/2021 11:34

I treat them with the same love and respect that I do my bio children

This is not true and continuing to lie to yourself that it is true is not helping your situation in the slightest.

tenlittlecygnets · 15/01/2021 11:35

Are you the op whose dss threw her toddler onto the floor?

bobbojobbo · 15/01/2021 11:36

dropped.

tenlittlecygnets · 15/01/2021 11:39

Just read all your posts, sorry.

You still have a dh problem. if he's not parenting your dss properly, dss's behaviour will never change. If he's not modelling good adult behaviour, dss's behaviour will never change. If dh doesn't notice when his ds shouts at you, dss's behaviour will never change.

You have to decide where to go from here, and how much you will put up with.

tenlittlecygnets · 15/01/2021 11:41

I think it's fine and normal for a dc to react in that way, especially if they're shocked/hurt/feel like they've made a fool of themselves.

I'd have left him to calm down then had a quiet chat about not shouting at other people. I'd have said it was both of their faults for coming into the middle of the room, and at 11 he should be able to remember the rules of a game.

stayathomer · 15/01/2021 11:47

OP are you really only 27? You've a lot on. My eldest is 13 and I'm 40. You mentioning divorce at all says a lot, I'm married 14 years now and I know even though we've issues, that we're together for life. I'll be honest, I dont think a child panicking and blaming someone requires an apology but reading over everything else I think there's other stuff going on and you and your dh need to talk. Take care

Quartz2208 · 15/01/2021 11:50

How long have you been with him then OP? I imagine there must be quite an age gap.

I think actually step parenting and AIBU are not the place for you because you have a relationship problem and one that I suspect goes much much deeper than your DSS. I imagine it is easier to focus on the parenting side of it because that means you dont have to delve any deeper into the other issues you have with him

Original poster

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 15/01/2021 11:54

Did he parent his children like that before your joint children came along?

To a degree yes, but the disparity and sheer extent of the 'Disney dad' patenting didn't show itself until we had DC.

Are you the op whose dss threw her toddler onto the floor?

Yes that's me.

OP are you really only 27

Yes, well in a few weeks. My birthday is next month. DH is a decade older.

I don't think I'm immature or childish as claimed by some PP's but I do occasionally think I'm too young to be dealing with this shit.

My intentions were pure when I met now-DH and still are, but I was incredibly naive.

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Original poster

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 15/01/2021 11:58

How long have you been with him then OP?

6 years.

He had already separated from his ex when we met so I wasn't the OW, no over lap.

I'm pointing that out as that's usually a question second wives are asked when discussing DSC.

I think actually step parenting and AIBU are not the place for you because you have a relationship problem and one that I suspect goes much much deeper than your DSS. I imagine it is easier to focus on the parenting side of it because that means you dont have to delve any deeper into the other issues you have with him

You raise a good point. I have posted on relationships and step parenting before posting here, a few people recognise me. I definitely regret posting here now

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Norwester · 15/01/2021 11:58

YANBU, and it's not good to let that sort of behaviour pass without correcting it. He should apologise and learn that we don't shout at someone because we hurt ourselves.

A large number of people still struggle with this as adults. Would be better if an adult had helped them to adjust as children.

Yokey · 15/01/2021 12:20

I think I read your post and decided yabu, mostly because you seem upset, maybe even offended by a small child, and seem to have unrealistic expectations. His behaviour on this occasion is really quite standard. I do think it's reasonable to explain why he should apologise when he's calmed down though.

After reading your updates, it seems it's not just this incident causing your upset. Sounds draining, OP

Quartz2208 · 15/01/2021 12:22

Was there a short gap though (and I ask this not because I am damming you but because I suspect he needing someone to step in and be your role). The fact that you are younger and were 21 when you met isnt surprising either because I think he has played on your naiviety here and picked you for a role of wife and mother so he doesnt have to