To want an apology from DH's son

[RainbowCarpetSurfing]

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

I guess for me the relevant point, as someone who’s been in your STep sons position, is from his point of view he was made suddenly and unexpectedly vulnerable, and you were not his mum or dad, and even if you have a great relationship, when a kids hurt that comes into stark focus. So, although nobody should be yelling, I’d also think a degree of extra empathy is needed, he didn’t create these relationships, but he has to navigate them, and it’s difficult when you get hurt to keep things in check.
I think a bigger issue for me should be what you do going forward if you and your husband have different ways of parenting and two sets of birth kids. I think this is often tricky with families that aren’t blended, and parenting differences cause huge bad feeling and potent undercurrents for kids to navigate and manipulate. You will need to be aware that how you and your DH are together will massively influence how the kids relationships grow and form over the years too. It’s not easy being a child in a blended family, and they will need you to both show a united front on how you parent. (Or they potentially have to deal with three (possibly four) different ways of being patented. If that’s the case there’s no way you could expect them to modify their behaviour depending who’s parenting, that’s ok for school, clubs etc, but would be exhausting and unhealthy at home, where you should be able to be ‘yourself’)
Anyway, good luck with it all, but remember, they are going to be swimming in the same currents as you and need help, they’re only kid.s

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Yes I have.

I had a feeling the thread would go this way.

If I was posting about my own DS I'm sure I would have got a different response.

Step parents are always in the wrong on here and now apparently it's fine to scream and shout at them.

I hate this trope. Step parents can be as unreasonable as they like, because when they're told they can just whinge that it's MN being biased.

You're unreasonable. Own it.

I do regret posting here and agree with PP's that the thread would be better placed on the step parents page.

do you have support irl? Family and friends?

I have my mum, my brother and my aunt but no rl friends. I have 'childhood' friends from years ago who I have the odd chat with on fb but we have mostly lost contact because I moved away.

I actually feel sorry for all these children

I do too. It isn't working.

@Sevensilverrings you put that beautifully. So much empathy.
It's all about who has agency and control and it's the grown ups isn't it?

Reading about your utterly useless husband makes me feel so bloody angry. He is failing all of his children. What a useless twat he is.
I would leave him.

I hate this trope. Step parents can be as unreasonable as they like, because when they're told they can just whinge that it's MN being biased.

Oh please. Everybody knows a large percentage of MN users are biased when it comes to step parents, to say that isn't true is simply BS.

It's not mumsnet it's predominantly first wives with an axe to grind against second wives / new DP's.

You're unreasonable. Own it.

Oh well ok then, because you say so.

Sevensilverrings that was a great post, thank you. You raise alot of good points.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing
We all get upset and shout when we hurt ourselves. True, but shouting out and shouting at somebody is different.
He’s a child, it’s not different! Maybe you should have acted more appropriately as the adult and not played such a game in a small space. Perhaps you should apologise to him for suggesting a game where he got hurt.🤷‍♀️

Is it not the norm to apologise to someone for shouting / screaming at them?

I apologise to my children if I really lose my cool and shout at them even if they've done something wrong. We talk about it once everyone has calmed down, they apologise for whatever it was and I apologise for shouting. Is this not just what you do?

I really feel for you. If you feel it isn’t working, then so do the kids. They are masters at picking up stuff like this. Pandemic stress and schools shut won’t be helping any of you either...
Maybe focus on what you do well? The balloon game was a fantastic idea. Not easy to find stuff older and younger kids can do, but good call. The head but, well, we all make mistakes, and it’s no big deal. Emotions are obviously running high though?
Can your DH and you get together and sort out your own thoughts and feelings on parenting, and if not would you be open to getting some help to do this before it turns into a bigger problem? Also, maybe both of you just talk honestly with your 10 yr old? Say you were pleased the game was working then a bit guilty and a bit upset and angry when it went wrong and you were shouted at, and ask what feelings he had? If he can’t tell you, maybe say ‘well I think, if it was me, I might have felt a bit hurt and confused with my feelings....one minute having fun and then having a bang on the head. And that might have made me angry or maybe embarrassed’ and then you can talk about how to express that, and let him know everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and it’s ok just to say sorry, and no harm was done, but to try not to yell because it makes the whole family feel a bit upset and worried.
I don’t know your family, but they’re the sorts of things that work here.
Big hug from your DH would be a good starting point for you though...mums need hugs too.

Maybe you should have acted more appropriately as the adult and not played such a game in a small space. Perhaps you should apologise to him for suggesting a game where he got hurt?

Well the living room isn't small, it's the same size as the garden. If I suggested they play with the balloon/a football outside would it be my fault if they got hurt?

It was cold and raining and we were doing something fun indoors to pass time.

I apologise to my children if I really lose my cool and shout at them even if they've done something wrong

I do too. Nobody is perfect are they. Similarly if I'm ever short with DH I apologise.

@Sevensilverrings

I really feel for you. If you feel it isn’t working, then so do the kids. They are masters at picking up stuff like this. Pandemic stress and schools shut won’t be helping any of you either... Maybe focus on what you do well? The balloon game was a fantastic idea. Not easy to find stuff older and younger kids can do, but good call. The head but, well, we all make mistakes, and it’s no big deal. Emotions are obviously running high though? Can your DH and you get together and sort out your own thoughts and feelings on parenting, and if not would you be open to getting some help to do this before it turns into a bigger problem? Also, maybe both of you just talk honestly with your 10 yr old? Say you were pleased the game was working then a bit guilty and a bit upset and angry when it went wrong and you were shouted at, and ask what feelings he had? If he can’t tell you, maybe say ‘well I think, if it was me, I might have felt a bit hurt and confused with my feelings....one minute having fun and then having a bang on the head. And that might have made me angry or maybe embarrassed’ and then you can talk about how to express that, and let him know everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and it’s ok just to say sorry, and no harm was done, but to try not to yell because it makes the whole family feel a bit upset and worried. I don’t know your family, but they’re the sorts of things that work here. Big hug from your DH would be a good starting point for you though...mums need hugs too.

Thank you again for your well thought out and kind posts.

Also, maybe both of you just talk honestly with your 10 yr old? Say you were pleased the game was working then a bit guilty and a bit upset and angry when it went wrong and you were shouted at, and ask what feelings he had? If he can’t tell you, maybe say ‘well I think, if it was me, I might have felt a bit hurt and confused with my feelings....one minute having fun and then having a bang on the head. And that might have made me angry or maybe embarrassed’ and then you can talk about how to express that, and let him know everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and it’s ok just to say sorry, and no harm was done, but to try not to yell because it makes the whole family feel a bit upset and worried.

This is a very good idea.

I did try to console and talk to him after it happened but he didn't want to know, he spent the remainder of his time here ignoring me until it was time to go back to his mum's.

I could definitely try to implement the above next time.

I think @Sevensilverrings has it right when they write

“ I guess for me the relevant point, as someone who’s been in your STep sons position, is from his point of view he was made suddenly and unexpectedly vulnerable, and you were not his mum or dad, and even if you have a great relationship, when a kids hurt that comes into stark focus. So, although nobody should be yelling, I’d also think a degree of extra empathy is needed, he didn’t create these relationships, but he has to navigate them, and it’s difficult when you get hurt to keep things in check.”

I also think you need to remember how focused children get on tracking the ball, when playing ball games, and not be quite so surprised that he couldn’t stop himself from moving, even when instructed by a step parent*.

That’s why no one sets up ball games right near roads, as children will have their minds so much on the ball they will follow it out into the road. Even when they know about road safety. Even when they are generally very sensible children. They get lost in the game and can’t help follow the ball across the road.... or across the room!

So don’t condemn the poor child that much! I think when you are feeling insecure in your position, that there is a risk you see everything as a ‘challenge to your authority’ rather than in this case, nothing to do with you at all... just a perfectly normal consequence of a child getting absorbed into a ball game.

Please remember that being a child means being immature not as a criticism, but as their expected state of being.

I’m emphasizing “step parent” as parent means home, not a teacher environment. Please start comparing yourself to other parents, not teachers, as it makes a huge difference, and they need to be able to have their ‘home’ heads on, not be perpetually feeling put in that more formal and uncomfortable environment of school. They need* to be able to relax at home, and not be put into some perpetual ‘school’ type dynamic... they will constantly fail if you expect that of them.

I don't understand the 'id expect an adult to apologise but they are an adult not a child' shit either.

How are children supposed to learn to behave as an adult if we don't teach them?

So yes it's understandable that they lost it in the moment and shouted because they were hurt, if it's behaviour I wouldn't accept from someone else I'd calmly sit and explain that to them and ask for an apology. Surely that's part of parenting? Teaching children how to mature and act as we'd expect grown ups to?

I also think you need to remember how focused children get on tracking the ball, when playing ball games, and not be quite so surprised that he couldn’t stop himself from moving, even when instructed by a step parent

I agree with you, IMO it was just one of those things (accidents happen) esp with young boisterous boys.

I don't think it was anybody's fault per se, just an accident.

That's partly why I was taken aback by the screaming at me

Oh please. Everybody knows a large percentage of MN users are biased when it comes to step parents, to say that isn't true is simply BS.

Nope, your excuse is bullshit. Own it.

I accept it was a bad idea, but the head bumping happened because they chose to deliberately ignore instructions after being told to stay where they were. It comes across as very judgmental to say "they chose to deliberately ignore instructions" when they were playing a game, presumably having fun and getting excited. You didn't deliberately change the game to get them hurt, they didn't deliberately ignore instructions.

I don't know about the history, haven't read other threads.

The dolls hair is really sad, the stepsons sound like they’re shaping up to covertly bully your children.

Can I just say that my sister scalped my Pippa doll in 1978 and in no way was she 'shaping up to covertly bully' me'. She was just a jealous little twat!

That's partly why I was taken aback by the screaming at me

Because he's 11 and was hurt and doesn't have the emotional maturity to work out that it was just one of those things, like you do.

OP to be honest, I think you have bigger problems to worry about than this and I don't think you'd disagree with that judging by your updates. Sometimes things just don't work out as we planned do they.

Can I just say that my sister scalped my Pippa doll in 1978 and in no way was she 'shaping up to covertly bully' me'. She was just a jealous little twat!

Can I ask how your parent(s) handled that?

OP to be honest, I think you have bigger problems to worry about than this and I don't think you'd disagree with that judging by your updates. Sometimes things just don't work out as we planned do they

Yes sadly that's how I feel. I don't blame or resent the DSS' for how things are, I do think we could have lived in relative harmony if DH treat all of the kids the same but it's probably too far gone for that now.

Oh FGS, how old are you you sound like a bratty me, me, me teenager

He was hurt & reacted to that. You are the grown up here. Try acting like it & accepting this isn't anything to make a stand over

Oh FGS, how old are you you sound like a bratty me, me, me teenager

Bratty for not wanting a child to scream in my face? Bizarre.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Can I just say that my sister scalped my Pippa doll in 1978 and in no way was she 'shaping up to covertly bully' me'. She was just a jealous little twat!

Can I ask how your parent(s) handled that?

OP to be honest, I think you have bigger problems to worry about than this and I don't think you'd disagree with that judging by your updates. Sometimes things just don't work out as we planned do they

Yes sadly that's how I feel. I don't blame or resent the DSS' for how things are, I do think we could have lived in relative harmony if DH treat all of the kids the same but it's probably too far gone for that now.

Can I ask how your parent(s) handled that?

Well I immediately drew on her Holly Hobbit doll's face so we agreed that we were both for the high jump if we told on each other. We were a pair of twats as sisters often are. The 'high jump' would have meant stopping pocket money for weeks and extra chores round the house so we figured we'd keep quiet.

I'm sorry that things have gone too far. Do you think what happened yesterday was just another indication of that? How it wasn't handled by DH I mean?

If I was posting about my own DS I'm sure I would have got a different response.
My reply was how I would respond to my ds. Not sure what you think would have been different.

All your replies are so defensive, everybody disagrees with you and you are still being defensive. The poor child.

@Candyfloss99

All your replies are so defensive, everybody disagrees with you and you are still being defensive. The poor child.

No, everyone does not disagree. Speak for yourself.