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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from DH's son

404 replies

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:29

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 15/01/2021 01:21

To be honest, in your shoes I’d be planning to leave. It’s not fair on your little ones and it’s not going to get any better

FTMF30 · 15/01/2021 03:16

@UnionistMum

Hi O.P, Just want to give you my two cents.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but here it comes.
1-You’re pretentious with this whole nonsense that you will not “allow” your kids to shout or “screech” at you past toddlerhood. As if you had the power to see into the future. You cannot tell now how your kids will be in the future and as a parent, one of our many roles is to be understanding and patient. What if one of your kids turns out to be a child who expresses frustration in a way that displeases your highness? Will you try and adapt and be understanding or stick to your ideas and eventually push your child away for being so inflexible?
2-You are so desperate to be proven right it actually ridiculous and shows you as a very immature person- more so than your poor step-child.
3- you seem to want to fund a reason to be mad at your stepson(s). Maybe because you have issues with your partner and are subconsciously taking it out on them. I noted that you said :
I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.
Who is the other one? Your are taking about a person, who has a name. Should you have referred to your child(rend) as “the other one”? I know I would not.

You seem to want to cause a problem where there is none. To maybe push them away ? He’s a little child poor thing.Be a bloody grown up and stop moaning

My goodness, what a load of tripe!

All of it, but as if OP refers to her DSS as "the other one" in real life. This is an anonymous forum you know.

TheLevyEyebrowsFancIub · 15/01/2021 03:48

Well, it's clear from reading only your posts OP that you don't think YABU at all so why are you asking? Is it for validation? You have been told you have a DH problem and you have. You want him to bawl out his kids when you think it is needed. He has made it clear he doesn't want to.
Is it possible he is a Willy Wonka Dad at heart anyway but knows you're Bad Cop to his Good Cop - in other words, is his parenting style to your kids with him different because he knows you want strict?
Has he ballsed up his techniques first time, knows it deep down so is trying to rectify it on his second stab at it?
Disciplining your own kids together does mean being on the same page. But maybe his tolerance of his other kids is tailored to the ex's parenting styles? Everyone's different - what you deem to be universal standards might not be hers.
You need to remove yourself entirely, blended or not, if you cannot take how he is because it doesn't look like it is going to change long term and I dare say the ex will not want you being the bad guy, no. Nor will she feel the need to berate her own on your behalf - she'll side with her kids. All you can do is hold a family meeting, you, DH and the 4 kiddies, to establish ground rules wrt belongings, ways of speaking etc but you also need to be realistic. Whether you realise it or not, there will be some unconscious bias towards your own - your sense of injustice wrt the inconsistency is because you want to protect and defend yours - but the truth is no kids are the same, they are all unique and may need to be handled differently. You are going to struggle with the big things and the teenage stuff if you think not being grateful enough for gifts, not being sorry enough when dropping a toddler, not being able to suppress lashing out in pain are biggies. In the grand scheme of things they are tiny.

MargotLovedTom1 · 15/01/2021 07:21

You’re looking better with every post.

😂

The OP pours her heart out and that is your response? As another poster said, fucking pathetic.

Honestly OP - I don't know why you're bothering with the bitchy stream of shit on here. Have you got friends/ family to talk to?

inquietant · 15/01/2021 07:25

I know times have changed but I wouldn't have dreamt of shouting/screeching at an adult like that and I don't plan on tolerating it from my own children, past toddlerhood.

I love these remarks from non parents. Yes, all of us whose children shout occasionally are just really rubbish parents and you will do it much better Smile

inquietant · 15/01/2021 07:27

Sorry, I mean parents who haven't got to that stage, not non parents, with regard to this thread.

Like when people with toddlers pull faces about teenagers.

upsidedownwavylegs · 15/01/2021 07:39

@inquietant

I know times have changed but I wouldn't have dreamt of shouting/screeching at an adult like that and I don't plan on tolerating it from my own children, past toddlerhood.

I love these remarks from non parents. Yes, all of us whose children shout occasionally are just really rubbish parents and you will do it much better Smile

Children shouting obviously isn’t the same thing as parents tolerating the shouting.
UnionistMum · 15/01/2021 07:47

@ FTMF30

She could have still refer to him as my other DSS as “my other DSS” she’s been more than capable of refer to her children correctly.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 15/01/2021 07:53

Well, even the well mannered children sometimes lash out when they've hurt themselves.

I would assume he was a bit embarrassed too. I've found when attention is drawn to the incident, some children lash out. Anyway it's all a bit dramatic tbh if you really think that your child at one point, will never shout at you then you're in for a shock. A quick "Dont speak to people like that" would have been enough.

Bookworming · 15/01/2021 07:55

Teenage years should be a breeze

scentedgeranium · 15/01/2021 08:00

OK Op you're revealing more and more about the disparities in your family dynamic. It's clear you all need a re set and tbh I wouldn't blame any of the children. Be careful you don't. But I would want DH to either change the way he deals, or I'd want to leave
It really does astonish me that people are in relationships where this happens. And this isn't a partnership. This is a marriage where you've both deliberately decided to bind your families together. Was no thought given to the children and how things would be managed? Those children don't know where they stand - either your DC or your DSS
Get out before the kids are psychologically damaged.

CardoMondo · 15/01/2021 08:08

I would have been annoyed too OP, kid has to learn that lashing out at people isn’t acceptable

user1471462428 · 15/01/2021 08:10

The dolls hair is really sad, the stepsons sound like they’re shaping up to covertly bully your children. Could you talk to your husband about a trial separation and trying to reset the dynamics whilst you’re gone.

TheTeenageYears · 15/01/2021 08:18

"I know times have changed but I wouldn't have dreamt of shouting/screeching at an adult like that and I don't plan on tolerating it from my own children, past toddlerhood."

Good luck with that, let us all know in 10 years time how that's working out for you.

clpsmum · 15/01/2021 08:27

He hurt himself after doing something you suggested and shouted, he's 11, that's what 11 yr olds do!

upsidedownwavylegs · 15/01/2021 08:33

Why do people think “wait til your kids’ bad behaviour goes completely unchecked like mine!” is some sort of incisive putdown to parents of younger children? She’s not saying she expects her children to never misbehave. She’s saying she won’t completely fail to even try to address the misbehaviour like her pathetic husband does.

Backbee · 15/01/2021 08:35

I don't plan on tolerating it from my own children, past toddlerhood.

Oh bless.

Chel098 · 15/01/2021 08:37

@upsidedownwavylegs

Why do people think “wait til your kids’ bad behaviour goes completely unchecked like mine!” is some sort of incisive putdown to parents of younger children? She’s not saying she expects her children to never misbehave. She’s saying she won’t completely fail to even try to address the misbehaviour like her pathetic husband does.
Posters are not suggesting that.

Posters are suggesting we all “think” when I have my kids I won’t do that... but different once you have your own!

Porridgeoat · 15/01/2021 08:40

You don’t need an apology. You just need to have a nice chat to him about it being an accident and explain he was understandably shocked but it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

ClangingChimesofDoom · 15/01/2021 08:41

You’re looking better with every post

God this website is just horrible sometimes! Has it got worse recently? Seems like some posters come here just to shit on OPs who have come for advice.

Sorry OP, I am cringing at some of the shitty replies you've had here. Hope you find a resolution, it sounds like you're up against it at home.

MaxNormal · 15/01/2021 08:46

Honestly it sounds like a lot of heartache going into a relationship with someone who already has children.

upsidedownwavylegs · 15/01/2021 08:49

Well, it’s clearly not different for everyone because loads of 11 year olds understand perfectly well that bad behaviour will incur consequences with their parents and as a result they learn to usually not misbehave, or if they do have an outburst, they learn that they have to consider the other person’s feelings and apologise, and definitely aren’t allowed to ignore an adult who cares for them in that adult’s own house. I was one of them myself, just like OP, and, by the sounds of it, her husband’s three other children are too. So I’d reiterate that the tinkly laugh, ‘oh just you wait til your kid is as much of an indulged pain in the arse as mine!’ line isn’t the zinger some people think it is.

CraftyYankee · 15/01/2021 08:50

Out of curiosity OP why did you post here instead of the step parent forum? Surely you have been around MN long enough to know it wasn't going to end well, esp with the lack of back story in your initial post.

The suggestion above of a trial separation, perhaps with family counseling to try and solve some of the issues, is a good one.

MaxNormal · 15/01/2021 08:54

OP I remember your previous thread. Honestly your DH sounds like a shit husband and not a very good father. I would say leave him but I suppose the problem then is he'd have unsupervised access to your two tiny children at the same time as too much older ones who would be poorly supervised.

scentedgeranium · 15/01/2021 09:00

The child has been hurt in an activity instigated by an adult and lashed out. In this instance OP needs to let this go. Simple
The other stuff? That seems to be between her and her husband to instigate equitable and consistent treatment
I actually feel sorry for all these children

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