To want an apology from DH's son

[RainbowCarpetSurfing]

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

Sounds like he was a bit hurt and embarrassed so he deflected his feelings onto you. I would have ignored and carried on playing the game

I would say this is a bit ‘wicked stepmother’ but I’m actually laughing about what a perfect parent you’ll be when your own kid is 10. That’s exceptionally naive. Come on OP. Plus if there’s a backstory with a ten year old, I’d reckon you’re the problem. 10 is very little still! Be the grown up. Get over yourself.

Why are so many people being so weird? Of course it’s not ok for a 10 year old to shout at anyone if they hurt themselves. It’s very rude - Why would anyone put up with that? All these people saying but it’s your first instinct to get angry, well maybe it is but we resist these instincts, yes even as a 10 year old, he’s not a baby or toddler. If the instinct is allowed to flourish he will start doing the same at school with his peers or start thinking that it’s ok to disrespect someone because he has an excuse - where could that lead?
And what on earth is wrong with playing in your living room with balloons, sounds like fun! Little accidents happen every day.
OP I think you’ve had a very harsh time on here and I can completely see where you are coming from. What would you partner have said if you said to your stepson “‘I’m sorry you got hurt but never talk to me like that again’?

Come on OP. Plus if there’s a backstory with a ten year old, I’d reckon you’re the problem. 10 is very little still! Be the grown up. Get over yourself.

Have you bothered your arse to actually read about the backstory before you commented? I've been quite gracious on this thread in spite of some of the ridiculous replies.

The people who know me and know the history can see, and have said, that I'm not the problem.

What would you partner have said if you said to your stepson “‘I’m sorry you got hurt but never talk to me like that again’?

I can imagine him interrupting and saying "Ok, ok, leave it there" and rushing to console DSS from the impending tears because we all know what happens if anybody tries to redirect DSS. He cries/screams/quivers.

DSS would then go home and tell his mum that I've been nasty to him. His mum would then ask DH to repeat what had happened. DH would brush it off and say something like "just a little miscommunication, nothing to worry about"

DSS' mum would then probably be pissed off at me.

DSS would likely play into that and refuse to come back round for however long.

DH would be gutted and try to smooth the waters over with DSS and his mum.

The behaviour would remain un-addressed.

Rinse and repeat.

I already had a thinly veiled dig repeated back to me, by DSS, from his mum.

He said his mum said that when he comes here he goes home smelling like cigarette smoke. That is total BS because I smoke in the garden and wash my hands / spray myself when I come back in because I have young children here myself.

The irony is, she smokes herself on a balcony attatched to the kids room.

Anyway I digress.

I know DH like the back of my hand and that's exactly what would happen.

When I had it out with him (DH) over the incident when our then 18 month old DD was hurt he went straight onto the defensive.

The outcome was, after him going to work and giving me the silent treatment, that he would tell DSS next time he came round that he wasn't allowed to pick DD up any more.

He did, once.

DSS didn't listen, or forgot, and continued to pick DD up.

I had to tell him myself.

He took offence and I looked like the bad one.

Sorry for the rambling. I'm just tired of it.

I'm pretty sad now because I've read that back and think i sound horrible.

I like to think I'm a reasonably decent person and have always been tolerant, but now I look like a cow.

I know 99% of all of this stuff is DH's doing / failure to do

I just don't think I'm cut out for being part of a blended family when we're clearly not a united front. This (not just my OP) would test the patience of a saint.

DH is so conflict avoidant and such a Disney dad he has created a dynamic which will lead to resentment, not necessarily on my part but the children's.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

I'm pretty sad now because I've read that back and think i sound horrible.

I like to think I'm a reasonably decent person and have always been tolerant, but now I look like a cow.

I know 99% of all of this stuff is DH's doing / failure to do

I just don't think I'm cut out for being part of a blended family when we're clearly not a united front. This (not just my OP) would test the patience of a saint.

DH is so conflict avoidant and such a Disney dad he has created a dynamic which will lead to resentment, not necessarily on my part but the children's.

Well if it’s all his fault..

Right ok Bluntness, whatever that means.

Thank you for all of the replies I'll leave it there.

Sounds like you really don’t like your DSC?

I don’t really get the dropping the toddler backstory. I’m presuming this was an accident? Why are you holding a grudge and trying to punish a child for this?

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Right ok Bluntness, whatever that means.

Thank you for all of the replies I'll leave it there.

You’re looking better with every post.

😂

He was just shocked etc and lashed out. It’s what people do, especially adolescents and kids. This is not a big deal, don’t make it a big deal. You are the adult here but you are behaving like a teen yourself.

Awwww I think you sound fab. Not a cow at all.

You be had it rough on here, love how folk judge but don't look at the bigger picture.

Your DH sounds weak with your DSS. In turn your DSS sounds like a brat and plays his dad like a fiddle. That behaviour will only escalate.

This shite that folk on here say you're not due an apology.......Yeah you are. He's 10 yeah still a kid but still knows that behaviour is wrong. If I had shouted at my mother like that I'd have got into serious trouble. It's respect and you're never too young to learn it.

Your DH needs to grow a pair

Unless he's 18 it sounds like he was hurt and maybe a bit embarrassed so lashed out, what he said was hardly offensive. I'd let it go OP

@Ludo19 the bigger picture is impossible to look at until about 7 pages in. I was one of the posters totally not getting OP’s issue, now the backstory has come out I just don’t know what to suggest, it’s all a massive mess and the OP has my sympathy because she’s in a shit position with an unsupportive DH.

Fuck sake @Bluntness100 is there really a need? It’s pathetic..
@RainbowCarpetSurfing I followed your thread regarding dss and him dropping your daughter. You sound like you’re doing your best. However you know your H isn’t going to change.. can you really continue to live like this?

Hi O.P,
Just want to give you my two cents.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but here it comes.
1-You’re pretentious with this whole nonsense that you will not “allow” your kids to shout or “screech” at you past toddlerhood. As if you had the power to see into the future. You cannot tell now how your kids will be in the future and as a parent, one of our many roles is to be understanding and patient. What if one of your kids turns out to be a child who expresses frustration in a way that displeases your highness? Will you try and adapt and be understanding or stick to your ideas and eventually push your child away for being so inflexible?
2-You are so desperate to be proven right it actually ridiculous and shows you as a very immature person- more so than your poor step-child.
3- you seem to want to fund a reason to be mad at your stepson(s). Maybe because you have issues with your partner and are subconsciously taking it out on them. I noted that you said :
I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.
Who is the other one? Your are taking about a person, who has a name. Should you have referred to your child(rend) as “the other one”? I know I would not.

You seem to want to cause a problem where there is none. To maybe push them away ? He’s a little child poor thing.Be a bloody grown up and stop moaning

@Justmuddlingalong

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head. He's obviously well covered in the grip department

Lol at that so funny.

If I was posting about my own DS I'm I would have got a different response.

Step parents are always in the wrong on here and now apparently it's fine to scream and shout at them.

This is a little silly and not true at all. Half of the people on here are step parents, me included. Your situation is hardly unique.

He's 11, he was hurt and lashed out verbally and I can absolutely see why. Is it ideal? No. Was your suggestion a good one? Again, no.

I think you need to sit and talk to him when you're both calm and tell him that although you understand that he was hurt you won't accept that kind of behaviour. He should apologise. Then, and only then, it probably wouldn't do any harm to apologise for suggesting such a ridiculous game where anyone could see what was going to happen.

Sounds like you’ve got a lot more going on than just today’s incident Op. I hope you’re able to sort things out with your husband.
For what it’s worth I was told to eff off backwards by 11 year old today. He’d stood on a plug and yelled because it hurt and he felt like an idiot. I told him you can say sorry for the swearing when you’ve stopped jumping up and down. He did and that was the end of it. It’s different when you have a back story like yours, hope you resolve it.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing
*I'm pretty sad now because I've read that back and think i sound horrible.
now I look like a cow.
Oh you get it...
I know 99% of all of this stuff is DH's doing / failure to do
oh you don't.

You spent the first half blaming your DSS and then claimed enlightenment, I assumed you realised that its just one of those dramas that as a parent you need to take a deep breath and resolve, but no you have now decided to blame your DH.
Its obviously someones fault and that someone is certainly not you.
This isn't about DS or DSS its about you, not understanding or not being ready to be as a parent.

@UnionistMum

Hi O.P, Just want to give you my two cents.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but here it comes.
1-You’re pretentious with this whole nonsense that you will not “allow” your kids to shout or “screech” at you past toddlerhood. As if you had the power to see into the future. You cannot tell now how your kids will be in the future and as a parent, one of our many roles is to be understanding and patient. What if one of your kids turns out to be a child who expresses frustration in a way that displeases your highness? Will you try and adapt and be understanding or stick to your ideas and eventually push your child away for being so inflexible?
2-You are so desperate to be proven right it actually ridiculous and shows you as a very immature person- more so than your poor step-child.
3- you seem to want to fund a reason to be mad at your stepson(s). Maybe because you have issues with your partner and are subconsciously taking it out on them. I noted that you said :
I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.
Who is the other one? Your are taking about a person, who has a name. Should you have referred to your child(rend) as “the other one”? I know I would not.

You seem to want to cause a problem where there is none. To maybe push them away ? He’s a little child poor thing.Be a bloody grown up and stop moaning

To answer your questions

What if one of your kids turns out to be a child who expresses frustration in a way that displeases your highness? Will you try and adapt and be understanding or stick to your ideas and eventually push your child away for being so inflexible?

I would support him to understand and express his emotions in an appropriate way so that he grows into a well rounded adult.

Do you think it's better that a child is permitted, via lack of guidance from parents, to go through life screaming at other people when they're hurt/annoyed/sick.

I'm sure the world would be a wonderful place.

I'm far from pretentious btw so don't patronize me.

You are so desperate to be proven right it actually ridiculous and shows you as a very immature person- more so than your poor step-child

It's not a case of being right or wrong. Just because X amount of people think I'm unreasonable that doesn't mean I have to agree with them. Some seem to think that a majority vote for YABU requires the OP to change their POV. Whilst I'm happy to take on board the constructive advice on the thread, I know better than anybody else what the family dynamics are like and so my POV is just as valid - whether people disagree or not.

You have reached your conclusion after reading a thread. I have reached this point after years of a complex blended family, complex predominantly due to a lack of constructive parenting where DH is concerned.

It's very easy to read a few pages and draw the conclusion that I'm immature/cruel/pathetic and whatever else I've been called on the multiple pages, but my family and friends would tell you a different story.

you seem to want to fund a reason to be mad at your stepson(s). Maybe because you have issues with your partner and are subconsciously taking it out on them. I noted that you said : I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one. Who is the other one? Your are taking about a person, who has a name. Should you have referred to your child(rend) as “the other one”? I know I would not.

Now you're just nitpicking. Do you think I refer to DSS2 as "the other one" irl?

Don't be so ridiculous.

You seem to want to cause a problem where there is none. To maybe push them away ? He’s a little child poor thing.Be a bloody grown up and stop moaning

I would never push them away, that comment just goes to show how far you're reaching and how misguided you are. I have gone above and beyond to make both DSS feel secure and happy since they came into my life.

You spent the first half blaming your DSS and then claimed enlightenment, I assumed you realised that its just one of those dramas that as a parent you need to take a deep breath and resolve, but no you have now decided to blame your DH.
Its obviously someones fault and that someone is certainly not you.
This isn't about DS or DSS its about you, not understanding or not being ready to be as a parent.

Enlightenment? Have you RTFT? I have had issues for years with DH being what is called a disney dad.

Today is just another incident in a long line of incidents that stem from DH having zero boundaries with the eldest two, whilst having firm ones with our small ones.

Several people up thread recognise me and know exactly what I'm talking about.

DSS drops his tiny sister on the floor, DH rushes to console him whilst poor DD has just been dropped from about 3ft and hit her head.

If our DS, who by the way has special needs, does something dangerous he gets told very firmly that he's not to do that.

DSS('s) show overt disdain and are ungrateful for the Christmas presents I bought them. DH says nothing.

Our two (almost two and three years old) are made to say thank you.

If either of our two are being naughty in any way DH is very no nonsense. Will raise his voice on occasion.

If either of DSS' are being naughty or disobedient DH doesn't say a word because he doesn't "want our house to be the place they get told off"

My DS broke DH's charger before the age of 3 and got told off -

One of the DSS' breaks several of DH's things over the course of a few months and DH just rolls his eyes and buys another.

One of the DSS' chopped the hair off one of DD's new dolls I bought her for Christmas (and I know it was one of them as my two wouldn't even know how to use scissors)

DH suggested that I probably snipped the hair by accident when removing the doll from the packaging, even though it was in perfect condition until boxing day when the DSS came

Our two are expected to give whatever they're playing with to DSS if they want it (a ball, a tablet device)

DSS is allowed (by DH) to deliberately exclude DS from whatever game we are playing as a family, or prevented from going into his own pop up tent.

There are so many examples, many of which I have discussed on MN, the overwhelming response has always been that I have a DH problem.

I advocate for my children in the moment but have zero ability to effectively discipline or redirect DSS on any sustainable level because DH is hell bent on shielding them from feeling any consequences for their actions.

There is a HUGE double standard at play here.

With all of the above in mind, you'll have to forgive me for thinking DSS shouldn't be allowed to just scream in adults faces - least of all adults that do so much for him.

I could go on, and on and on.

With all that in mind, those on here who think I'm the problem are barking up the wrong tree.

I don’t think kids should be allowed to blame someone else for their mistakes. In your position, with the backstory you just gave, I wouldn’t have led any play activity with either boy and would have expected them to amuse themselves.

I don’t think you are the problem. I think you’re putting up with a lot.
All this ‘he’s a little child’... what is he going to do at secondary school? He’ll soon be a laughing stock.
I think he’s jealous of the younger ones and extremely indulged.
I’m sorry but I think that this will only get worse, unless your DH steps ups. Otherwise I suspect you’ll actually be happier apart.

He was hurt, angry and embarrassed.

He's a ten year old kid who has got hurt and reacted.

Any sane person would just let it go, check the kid was ok and move on.