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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

311 replies

Rose924 · 14/01/2021 09:34

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 14/01/2021 21:26

I understand Someone wanting a child free wedding but to leave out your own niece or Nephew is just wrong! They are part of your family.

FrenchBoule · 14/01/2021 21:36

What @billy1966 said.

OP, you chose the best way to deal with the situation. You don’t know when your baby will make an appearance- congratulations by the way.

I feel sorry for you that in the eyes of your parents you’re not “allowed” to celebrate any achievements in your life because it apparently upsets your (spoilt) sister.

Enjoy your life OP and don’t let anybody dictate it. If it calls for celebration go for it regardless of your family of origin reaction.

Cooltalkin · 14/01/2021 21:41

Tell her you will go to her next wedding

Job done

Mamapep · 14/01/2021 21:42

Your sister sounds very naïve to how much a newborn needs her mum, and how you will be feeling (emotionally and physically) that soon after birth.

saraclara · 14/01/2021 21:44

Dm doesn't have to get involved as such. Just share her experience of what being newly postpartum is like, with the DSis. She doesn't have to say "you're being unfair" or "that's not reasonable".

Just - "well of course OP is still going to be bleeding and leaking milk, and we've no idea what size she'll be, so she won't be able to get a dress that will fit her if she's still pregnant/gave birth the day before/gave birth two weeks before" etc etc.
She doesn't have to defend OP or wind up sis. Just talk matter of factly about what the potential issues will be that will spoil sis's big day

OhCaptain · 14/01/2021 21:47

@CraftyYankee

Isn't the fact that OP will have a newborn actually a huge difference between the two examples? It's not like OP told her sister not to bring a child but insisting hers should get to come.
Not necessarily. Some people really don’t want kids at their weddings!

I didn’t have a child free wedding so I couldn’t give a possible explanation for it but there are enough threads on here to prove it’s something a lot of people opt for.

It’s fine to have a wedding the way you want.

It’s fine to refuse an invitation. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OhCaptain · 14/01/2021 21:48

@saraclara

Dm doesn't have to get involved as such. Just share her experience of what being newly postpartum is like, with the DSis. She doesn't have to say "you're being unfair" or "that's not reasonable".

Just - "well of course OP is still going to be bleeding and leaking milk, and we've no idea what size she'll be, so she won't be able to get a dress that will fit her if she's still pregnant/gave birth the day before/gave birth two weeks before" etc etc.
She doesn't have to defend OP or wind up sis. Just talk matter of factly about what the potential issues will be that will spoil sis's big day

But why does she have to do any of that? I don’t know why OP tried to enlist her.

Sister is her dd and is getting married. OP will be giving birth to her grandchild.

I don’t know that her dm needs to concentrate on anything other than that! The siblings are adults. Fine to let them sort their own issues!

NigellaAwesome · 14/01/2021 21:57

In fairness, I had absolutely no idea what it was like having a baby until I actually had my own. I would probably have thought a couple of days to get over the birth then all is fine. Given that babies sleep so much and can have bottles (in my naive mind), it wouldn't have occurred to me that getting in-laws to look after a baby for a day would be a problem.

Then I had my own and reality caught up with me.

Could it be that your sister is just completely clueless like I was?

The wedding is just over 2 weeks after your due date - by that stage I was winning if I managed a shower, but was mostly still spending all day in milk stained PJs sometimes crying.

I would really hope it is the case that your sister just doesn't understand. I wouldn't say much at the moment - just don't commit and say you'll see what you are able for closer to the time.

saraclara · 14/01/2021 22:03

But why does she have to do any of that? I don’t know why OP tried to enlist her.

Sister is her dd and is getting married. OP will be giving birth to her grandchild.

I don’t know that her dm needs to concentrate on anything other than that! The siblings are adults. Fine to let them sort their own issues!

She doesn't have to. But it would be helpful to both sides if she did.

It's highly unlikely that the subject won't be brought up in her presence. It would be an odd mother whose daughter didn't talk to her about their wedding and the plans. It's the easiest thing in the world to insert that information into a normal conversation about the plans for the wedding.

ScrapThatThen · 14/01/2021 22:14

Well you can't leave a day's old baby so don't sweat it, just be gushing about her plans, gutted you can't be there and utterly supportive of her at every turn. But mum's can't leave newborn babes in arms.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/01/2021 22:22

This would be hard even if your sister agreed you could take the baby.

OhCaptain · 14/01/2021 22:45

@saraclara

But why does she have to do any of that? I don’t know why OP tried to enlist her.

Sister is her dd and is getting married. OP will be giving birth to her grandchild.

I don’t know that her dm needs to concentrate on anything other than that! The siblings are adults. Fine to let them sort their own issues!

She doesn't have to. But it would be helpful to both sides if she did.

It's highly unlikely that the subject won't be brought up in her presence. It would be an odd mother whose daughter didn't talk to her about their wedding and the plans. It's the easiest thing in the world to insert that information into a normal conversation about the plans for the wedding.

I disagree that it would be helpful. It would feed the drama.

OP has said she most likely won’t come and her sister isn’t kicking off or anything. Why bring it up at all?

BackforGood · 14/01/2021 23:17

It sounds like you have been very calm and measured in the way you have responded. Well done.
Of course you won't be able to be there if she says the baby can't. In all honesty, there is no way I could have attended a wedding a week or two after giving birth to dc1 even if she relented.

If she has specifically chosen a day 17 days after your due date, then she is specifically choosing to exclude you from the wedding. I do think you / her Mum should calmly make it clear that you aren't being dramatic and there is no way you would be able to attend with the way she is planning her wedding (now, hopefully before it is too late) and then leave it. That way, there is no drama, but it will be crystal clear in the B&G's mind that is a choice they are making, and they can choose what to do.
Totally different if their wedding had been booked for 2 years and you became pregnant afterwards. They are doing this with the knowledge it excludes you.

Skysblue · 14/01/2021 23:38

It’s extremely selfish and rude of her to have booked a ceremony so close to your due date when she could easily have picked some later date.

If it was me I would say ‘well obviously I can’t leave a newborn baby so either we both come or neither do, or you pick a date that’s not right next to my due date!’

I moved my wedding date (had already booked venue) by three months to avoid inconveniencing my brother in law’s plans. She didn’t have to make this a problem, she’s being weird.

Scottishskifun · 14/01/2021 23:47

From reading this and your updates it definitely sounds like again your sisters jealousy is kicking in hence the date so close to due date.

Nobody in their right mind however is going to side with your sister on this one if she spouts off about letting her down etc everyone will say you have a newborn!

Enjoy your little family unit when it arrives and don't get suckered into a fight about it. You know as does everyone else that it's not you being unreasonable here.

Enough4me · 14/01/2021 23:49

I'd be happy she said no children as there is no way I could have taken my DCs along. I had to stay in hospital with both of mine for what turned out to be minor issues and then DC1 had lots of colic (crying most of time) and DC2 was constantly on me to build up my milk supply as a hungry baby.

Heavily pregnant or with a newborn you just need to focus on your mental and physical health relaxing as much as possible. Your DSis really hasn't thought of you, so you think of you.

Cheesypea · 14/01/2021 23:57

I agree that it seems deliberate to book the wedding so close to your due date. Your sister is being massively optimistic booking anything but a very small wedding at the moment.

partyatthepalace · 15/01/2021 01:23

Assuming your sister is generally a reasonable person, she just sounds naive and thoughtless to me.

Can you arrange for someone to take the baby for a hour or two so you can go to the service? And once you are feeling a bit calmer say to your sister that you will have so recently given birth you probably won’t be able to sit down, be wearing adult nappies and have exploding boobs, so no reception for you, but fingers crossed you can be there to see her married.

It would be no fun to have a baby that tiny at a wedding anyway.

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2021 01:34

I think you need something prepared for your mum- Mum, I have had to tell sister I can’t go to her wedding given her expectations are nuts. I could do with your support. You made my wedding and hens about my sisters jealousy and now I think you want to make my first baby about her wedding. I can’t tell you how hurt I am by this.

soberlioness · 15/01/2021 02:02

Simply, decline the wedding invitation and carry on life as normal.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2021 02:03

I understand why you spoke to your mum and I equally understand why your mum doesn't want to get in the middle of it.

What is NOT any kind of surprise is your update that your sister is the one that everyone tiptoes around to avoid her having a screaming fit about stuff - guessed it would be something like that.
Which therefore puts her date-picking firmly in the "deliberate to get one over on you" spot.

Glad you've had that conversation with her, and glad that you've told her you can't go. And yes, I can guarantee that people will be asking where you are and why you aren't there - so can I suggest that you maybe talk to a few or your family/friends beforehand and just say in a bright and breezy way "Oh no, we won't be there because of the baby - far too close to make it!" so that they know the REAL reason before your sister makes up some bollocks about you being selfish and pathetic or similar.

You should let your parents know you're not going and why. But I don't think it's the right time to lay a guilt trip on them - there's really nothing they can do about it this time! Sure, they've helped create the "monster" - but it's done and it isn't going to change now.

lunalulu · 15/01/2021 06:16

I would say we will have to see how it goes as we can't be sure when I'll give birth, or how everything will be after the birth.

Then I'd see how it goes.

Yes it was super mean and selfish of her to chose a date so close to your due date. It feels like she's jealous of the attention you're getting and wants to override it with her wedding. It's hurtful but it sounds like that's just who she is.

Gracious is how I'd play it. And you may well end up not going to the wedding. Just don't feel pressurised. Do what feels right at the time. Xxx

Humblebumbleoh · 21/02/2021 01:38

How are things with your sister @Rose924

therocinante · 21/02/2021 01:49

Does she have kids?

I ask as, while I assumed you wouldn't feel up to it (and I wouldn't be going), I didn't know you shouldn't leave the baby for any length of time at all when they're tiny - I don't have kids and don't know many people who do, so it's not something that would have occured to me. Before I read the replies I just thought "well, if by some miracle they were a few weeks old by then and you felt up to it you could leave them with dad for a few hours for the ceremony" - literally didn't realise that wasn't an option!

Even so, she's being a dick that she didn't immediately go "oh god sorry, I didn't think, I'm so sad you can't come".

Aebj · 21/02/2021 01:53

Hopefully your child is well. What happens if your child is poorly? When expecting ds2 I and medical people all thought he would be fine and no complications like ds1. Alas he was born with a TOF ( basically hole in the heart) and spent much of his first 7 months in hospital. I was in hospital with him for the first week. There would be no way I would of been going to anyone’s wedding and neither would I be expected.
Your sister should allow you to attend if well ( most of babies are) and your new delightful bundle attend.
Good luck with the baby and don’t get upset about not being involved with the baby. Her loss.