AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

[Rose924]

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

Before having kids, I would be as clueless as your sister and see no issue in the arrangements I was making.
Could you gently point out to her that you would love to be at her wedding but won't be able to leave such a tiny newborn with anyone else?

It doesn’t sound like your sister has a clue what having a baby entails. As others have said, I would tell her you’ll be there if the baby is overdue. Otherwise you won’t be attending. End of. She sounds very selfish.

Pretty much this happened to me with sibling's wedding - with the added spanner in the works that we live in different countries. Sibling's spouse couldn't understand why I said that i wouldn't be able to attend as wedding planned for 4 days after my due date (turned out to be the day after the birth)

My mum tried to get them to move it to 6 weeks after (which would have also been touch and go, but there you have it) and they compromised with 3 weeks after and didn't budge so I said "sorry, can't manage it, have a great day send me photos"

Didn't receive an invitation or photos and only heard about it later from my mum. And because I'm a petty git i have never acknowledged it or mention it in their presence.

In your case, OP, I'd just keep on with the breezy "have fun, sorry i won't be there, looking forward to seeing the photos and hearing about it" and leave it at that.

I must say, though, that I'm with you on getting your mum involved, it is your parents' attitude to celebrating your milestones that has directly led to your sister's attitude towards you.

The child-free wedding thing is a distraction though - everyone should have the wedding they want.

@MotherofKitties

She's being a dick. Don't go. Your newborn and your recovery after birth is far more important than her wedding. Her expectations and behaviour is nothing short of unforgivable.

Oh for god's sake. Yes she is being a dick. No, of course it's not unforgivable. It's someone being a bit of a twat about her wedding - get a sense of proportion.

You sound like you're both cut from the same cloth, TBH, OP. She is being totally dickish, but so are you by being 'outraged' and running to your poor DM to tell tales on her. Are you 5?

Just say that you are really disappointed, but as you will be breastfeeding a newborn and it's a child-free wedding, that it will, regrettably, be impossible for you to attend. Obviously, you will won't look forward to seeing her wedding photos/video when she gets back from her honeymoon.

I think your sister is being incredibly selfish. Firstly for picking the date when she knew you'd have just given birth, and secondly for expecting you then to le ave a new born with your in-laws.

FWIW, I think child free weddings should make an exception for babes in arms, especially if they're still breast fed. It's not like the baby is going to need to be included on the seating plan, or need to be catered for.

It's not worth getting annoyed with your sister over. Just tell her you can't leave a newborn. You can either bring the baby or not attend. Don't make it into a big fall out.

I've never known a child free wedding exclude newborns as it's usually assumed that mother and newborns shouldn't be parted but for now, I'd just do what Gin said.

Forgot to add, I went to my cousins wedding about 3 years back, which was 'child free'. The maid of honour (bride's sister...the groom was my cousin) had had a baby 3 weeks before, who because of the child free rule was staying with grandparents. However her two older girls (toddlers) were flower girls. My cousin's parents are divorced. His dad and stepmother were there....as well as the stepmothers daughter, son in law....and two young children. I thought that was odd.

I would go with clueless.
Tell her you can't be a bridesmaid, much as you would love to, but will revisit that if the date has to change.
Tell her you hope to be there with new born, all being well. If you get on with your in-laws, maybe she could extend an invite to them on the understanding that they will scoop baby out for the ceremony and/or speeches so no risk of screaming baby at those moments?

And I would have to have serious words with my mother over this. My parents were the same with the outrageous behaviour of my sister. Like we were squabbling children instead of adults with one person being right and the other being an idiot!

What could happen if your baby is 10 days over due and when in labour Dr's suddenly need to perform a cesarean section you could be at least 5 days in hospital after that.I found after having my children I had huge energy the first couple of weeks after birth but as the weeks went on with sleepless nights I wasn't fit to go anywhere because I was like a zombie. Anyway you will need to have a young baby with you all the time because I wouldn't leave a young baby with anyone else except a parent or a sister and they will be at the wedding,its just absolutely ridiculous she won't let you bring your baby,some people have no understanding and a just so precious and bridezilla

Your sister may have been caught up with the excitment of wedding planning and probably didn't think about you at all when deciding on a date. I can also understand wanting a child-free wedding.

I know it would be terrible to miss your sister's wedding, especially if you've been looking forward to it, but I've got to say, you may not feel physically up to going to a wedding if it's soon after the birth; I definitely wouldn't be up for being a bridesmaid at that time.

I wouldn't say anything more about it now. As your mum says, you don't know whether the wedding will definitely go ahead, and you don't know whether you'll be in any state to attend. Once you've had your baby, you can decide then.

Im so sorry - this must be incredibly stressful. Do everything you can, to do the impossible, and keep the peace. No doubt your sister and family are super excited about a wedding and are being swept along in a wave of excitement (without regard for you). Like everyone else I think this is unreasonable behaviour and selfish- but sadly you can't really say too much against someone else's big day. Its mean to pop their bubble of excitement and joy. Im a bit disappointed your mum isn't gently explaining to your sister the practicalities of a newborn and due dates, exhaustion, post recovery etc and giving the benefit of her life experience. Its a time you'll need her support too :-( Hopefully the wedding arrangements will change. Frankly you have too much on your own plate to worry about this. But I would absolutely and enthusiastically accept a bridesmaids role, grit your teeth and make the right noises. Keep smiling and carry on. She's your sister and its an event you'll be talking about for the rest of your lives. But but ... only do as much as you can (without making lots of noise about not being able to do things - no one likes a party pooper) - put on the "best show" and try to avoid friction ( drop in and out - mostly out -disappear to your room for a good chunk of time, appear briefly for vows and then photos, have a chair on the side - and slip off. Everyone will be so busy no one will notice. Could you even hire some help (a maternity nurse for 24 hours) and really try to get the support of the other bridesmaids to help carry you along/cover for you when you need to be absent phone/message you when the photos are being taken etc. You really deserve a medal ! But its only one day in the life of you and your sister - but a big day for your sister and family (I do think its rotten to have a wedding date so close to your due date and I strongly suspect the wedding arrangements will change- but its lockdown and we're all looking forward to a party). After the wedding you will of course be able to tease her about good timing/date planning for the rest of her life and suggest a big blow out the day after she gives birth ! xx

I think if you’ve not had a baby you have no idea what it entails in terms of how full on it actually is, especially if you’re breastfeeding.

We got married a couple of weeks before my brother in law’s wife had their baby. She wasn’t a bridesmaid or involved in the day, other than being a guest, but we just never gave it a thought as to how she might feel going to a wedding at 37/38 weeks pregnant.

I don’t know how close you are to your sister, or how understanding she is, but I would honestly just explain that there’s just no way you can attend, or have any bridesmaid duties. She’ll probably take offence. She probably won’t understand until she has babies of her own.

The last thing you need on the lead up to the birth, is stress and tantrums from your sister. You need time and space to enjoy this special time.

'She’s booked her wedding in the full knowledge that you are either going to be over due, giving birth or nursing a newborn. Upon hearing that you won’t be able to do the normal range of bridesmaids duties, she’s invited you to step down rather than make allowances for you and then asked you to leave your baby with someone else for the day.

She’s clearly not worrying about damaging the relationship between you, so why are you worried about it?'

This. I would just quite simply say that you will be stepping back from BM duties & as for the rest, put you down as a 'maybe' for the ceremony as it depends on whether you are heavily pregnant, in labour or recovering on the day itself. But if baby has arrived & the wedding is child-free, then you are a definite no as you will not be leaving breastfed newborn with anyone for the day. Not to mention you will be prob be exhausted etc...

She either doesn't have a clue in which case she'll understand when she grows up or if she has babies of her own...or she isn't bothered too much.

@OhCaptain

YABU to drag your mum into it by ringing her to bitch behind your sister’s back.

There’s no need for this level of drama. It’s months away. You’re not a bridesmaid. It mightn’t even happen.

Hi sis!

I assume your sister has no kids so just doesn't understand. Without experience it seems to easy to "just leave the baby with in laws" and not think about how you'll be feeling etc.

Just back off and leave it for now, if you get pressed for an answer on attending say you can't definitely commit so will say no. Concentrate on your pregnancy and baby when s/he arrives.

Do and say nothing. Go along with it.

When the time comes, if pregnant go- but go home early when you've had enough. If the baby has come, say they are cluster feeding and you can't leave them. Done. When she's a mother she will understand. Until then she might sulk, but surely your mother can explain.

You're sister is obviously very naive.

I agree with others to not do or say anything as it will only cause stress and bad feeling.

When the time comes your baby will override your position in all of this anyway.

Your sis is not worried about the practicalities for you because she knows her wedding unlikely to go ahead anyway.

And/or she’s resentful your new arrival is overshadowing her day and so she’s making it difficult for you to attend. Better for her for you and baby not to be there getting made a fuss over.

Also, newborn babies don’t class as children at child free weddings, they can’t be left. And new mums are not expected to be in attendance all day nor the last one on the dance floor.

Everyone knows new parents come to the wedding as a chance to get dressed up, show off gorgeous new baby, get a cute family photo and wish the new couple their congratulations then make their exits. Dad might stay for the wedding breakfast but probably not.

Don’t stress, just smile & nod and say you’re looking forward to it. Probably won’t happen and if it does just do everything to suit your own timings around feeding, etc

Is it even booked yet? I highly doubt she will be able to book that now given there's a years backlog of weddings

I don’t see how you can go. There’s no way you’ll want to leave a brand new baby for hours.

She is totally unreasonable to not want her new niece/nephew at her wedding and to expect you to leave him/her at home. I suspect that she is totally oblivious as to what having a baby entails. If you've had a c section, you may well still be at home. Personally I think that your mum should step in and explain to her how difficult things are with a new baby and that it would be wholly impractical for you to be separated from your baby. If she still won't budge, then I would inform her that you could get your partner to hold the baby outside the church/venue and that you will sit at the back and watch the ceremony or part of it, but won't be able to stay for the reception. I don't think that she's unreasonable to set the date for August. It's a difficult time to organise a wedding and many brides want a summer wedding.