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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

311 replies

Rose924 · 14/01/2021 09:34

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

OP posts:
Aebj · 21/02/2021 01:55

Involved with wedding not baby🤣🧁

starrynight21 · 21/02/2021 02:33

Just drop out of being bridesmaid and agree that you'll "probably" be able to attend as a guest. Then she can crack on with her plans and ask someone else to be bridesmaid.

Nenevalleykayaker · 21/02/2021 02:35

miss the wedding

take the baby

ask her to change the date for you

They’re your only options. Keep it simple. Go and talk to her again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/02/2021 02:41

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I understand why you spoke to your mum and I equally understand why your mum doesn't want to get in the middle of it.

What is NOT any kind of surprise is your update that your sister is the one that everyone tiptoes around to avoid her having a screaming fit about stuff - guessed it would be something like that.
Which therefore puts her date-picking firmly in the "deliberate to get one over on you" spot.

Glad you've had that conversation with her, and glad that you've told her you can't go. And yes, I can guarantee that people will be asking where you are and why you aren't there - so can I suggest that you maybe talk to a few or your family/friends beforehand and just say in a bright and breezy way "Oh no, we won't be there because of the baby - far too close to make it!" so that they know the REAL reason before your sister makes up some bollocks about you being selfish and pathetic or similar.

You should let your parents know you're not going and why. But I don't think it's the right time to lay a guilt trip on them - there's really nothing they can do about it this time! Sure, they've helped create the "monster" - but it's done and it isn't going to change now.

Thanks Thumb, you've saved me a lot of typing as this is pretty much what I think too.

Although - I think laying a guilt trip on her parents would be absolutely justified, because let's face it, their spinelessness allowed this. I found this very sad reading:

"Ever since childhood, any success or joy in my life has been shrouded in guilt and not celebrated by my parents for fear of upsetting my sister - doing well at school, having close friends, graduating, having a happy relationship, being successful in my career, getting married."

Their prioritisation of the sister over the OP is, frankly, shit parenting on their part. And whilst I'm sure they will never acknowledge their part in creating 'the monster', it might be helpful to @Rose924 to be able to place the responsibility on their shoulders and not where they have placed it, on hers.

Italiangreyhound · 21/02/2021 02:54

So sorry your sister has acted like a dick.

Enjoy your baby and all the excitement of this special time, without worrying about your sister's day.

Blondebakingmumma · 21/02/2021 03:26

I’d ask my hubby to hold baby outside of the ceremony venue. I’d then explain to the family that you won’t see them at the reception as it is child free and you can’t leave your newborn!

Jeremyironseverything · 21/02/2021 06:50

I think there is probably an element of cluelessness going on here. She probably thinks you are being awkward about it for no good reason given you'll have had three weeks since the birth.

Try to educate her about the realities, and say you'd love to be there but it's totally impractical. Then it's up too her.

billybagpuss · 21/02/2021 06:55

I think your mums reaction is the most hurtful, she’s had babies, she knows it’s not reasonable.

Hope it stays drama free for you.

AnitaB888 · 21/02/2021 07:18

OP,
I'm not sure why you are concerned that " this may damage my relationship with my sister long term," as it sounds to me that you relationship it pretty poor with her anyway.

From what you have written she seems like an entitled, spoilt brat hence the 'annoying timing' comment. And I doubt it is the first time she's acted like this (or will be the last).

Just politely decline her invitation and concentrate on yourself.

Countrygirl2021 · 21/02/2021 07:24

Why can't you just take the baby with you? I'm genuinely confused by the drama. I understand not juggling bridesmaid duties in the morning but can't you just sit the baby on the husband, walk down the aisle with her and husband minds baby for the ceremony then you both take turns all day? Quietly go off to feed it. If it screams take it outside for a walk in the pram?

Why the drama. You only have to sit and socialise a bit, hold and feed baby???

homeschoolingyay · 21/02/2021 07:26

I wouldn't get to stressed out it personally. Does she have children? If not she may genuinely have no clue as to the logistics of attending a wedding with a new born.

I was lucky with both mine and would have been fine to attend, and quite happy for someone to walk the baby up and down in a pram outside during the service. Others might not have been depending on all sorts of things. It's luck of the draw. Go with the flow, and see how things turn out for you.

Countrygirl2021 · 21/02/2021 07:27

And yes you are being REALLY unreasonable to not attend your sister's wedding just because you had a baby.

She's being brattish but you are being awkward.

Cccc1111 · 21/02/2021 07:33

She is being unreasonable. You’re being completely sensible. I would do same as you are. My due date of mine was 21st of one month, and was very overdue and born on the 6th of the next month.

Cccc1111 · 21/02/2021 07:36

23rd of one month, not 21st, too early not enough coffee yet. But still point is people forgot babies can be 14 days late

DHdweller · 21/02/2021 07:45

You either don’t go, or you take the baby to the wedding , they’re the only options imo with the baby at that age imo

LazyName · 21/02/2021 07:59

@Countrygirl2021

Why can't you just take the baby with you? I'm genuinely confused by the drama. I understand not juggling bridesmaid duties in the morning but can't you just sit the baby on the husband, walk down the aisle with her and husband minds baby for the ceremony then you both take turns all day? Quietly go off to feed it. If it screams take it outside for a walk in the pram?

Why the drama. You only have to sit and socialise a bit, hold and feed baby???

Hmm have you had a baby? If so then you should know it’s not just that ‘simple’ with a new born baby nor would it be comfortable for a new mum especially if she was 2 weeks overdue her baby would literally be a few days old!! I had a very easy birth but I still couldn’t function properly through the sheer exhaustion and it was uncomfortable with bleeding and stitches and swollen breasts the first few days/weeks. Even ‘just sitting’ was painful! Luckily for me it was lockdown but I feel bad for women who have to put up with floods of visitors cooing over the new baby at that point! Let alone a wedding! That’s a good situation too, anything could happen.
Feetupteashot · 21/02/2021 08:05

Don't worry either way. Hopefully you'll be staring into the eyes of your beautiful newborn by then and you won't mind missing her wedding. Or she'll say bring baby and you could maybe go to wedding only, holding babes in arms?

2 weeks after my first I couldn't have gone anywhere, but after my second I could have just about gone locally for 2-3h so just depends

WatchWatch · 21/02/2021 08:14

Why can't you just take the baby with you? I'm genuinely confused by the drama

Because sister won't let her take the baby. OP has said she would go if feeling up to it if she could take the baby, but sister won't let her.

NoCherryNoDeal · 21/02/2021 08:22

YANBU, OP. Glad you told her you won’t be attending.

Thread’s a few weeks old I know, but what was her reaction?

Missingthebridegene · 21/02/2021 08:41

I'd be furious, but if she's usually a kind and caring person I'd just put it down to simply not understanding the realities of having a baby! X

Blueroses99 · 21/02/2021 08:47

@Countrygirl2021

Why can't you just take the baby with you? I'm genuinely confused by the drama. I understand not juggling bridesmaid duties in the morning but can't you just sit the baby on the husband, walk down the aisle with her and husband minds baby for the ceremony then you both take turns all day? Quietly go off to feed it. If it screams take it outside for a walk in the pram?

Why the drama. You only have to sit and socialise a bit, hold and feed baby???

The baby is not welcome. It’s in the OP:

they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws.

IseeIsee · 21/02/2021 08:49

I wouldn't say too much because as your Mum says, Covid may put a spanner in the works. Let her know bridesmaid is out. Baby could be late/early and if it's local, you might be able to attend some parts if your DH holds the baby. See how it goes.

TolkiensFallow · 21/02/2021 08:55

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Your sister is probably being clueless rather than deliberately horrible.

You can’t leave a newborn.
You might be late.
Don’t be a bridesmaid.

At a push fo the suggestion of having someone outside with baby in pram and only go to the ceremony.

Atalune · 21/02/2021 09:00

I wouldn’t say anything for now and wait and see what happens closer to the time.

Newborn babes in arms is usually a given at a wedding, so I would be very surprised that she’s not ok with that.

In many ways you’re lucky to have a baby to distract you from her crazy.

lanbro · 21/02/2021 09:02

I totally understand people wanting childfree weddings but I think babes in arms aren't really classed as children. Any sensible person would take a crying baby out of a ceremony or meal, they don't cost any extra and aren't going to be running around the dancefloor.

Try and speak to your sis, it is unbelievable to me this is even an issue because it just wouldn't happen in my family, she's hopefully just caught up in thr planning and will become more rational.

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