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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

311 replies

Rose924 · 14/01/2021 09:34

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 14/01/2021 16:47

All you can do in a situation like this is not rise to it. You can change the other person and you can't always reason with them. I'd just keep saying no and avoid being drawn into a discussion that will turn into an argument.

JohnBarron · 14/01/2021 16:56

I think you’ve done the right thing and in the right way.

I had a child free wedding apart from newborns/babies (I work with kids, I see them everyday) because I wanted my friends there. To be honest anyone that expects new parents to leave their newborn behind is a knob.

I imagine it will now kick off with your sister now but hold your ground.

diddl · 14/01/2021 17:08

I don't think your parents are wrong not to stick up for you.

The problem is that it doesn't work both ways!

Why was she so jealous of you getting married such that she was miserable on your wedding day?

Sounds as if your parents have a lot to answer for!

Chuckleknuckles · 14/01/2021 17:14

If you go 2 weeks over, your baby will arrive on August 4th. Wedding 7th august. If it comes up again, put the question to her: given you may well have a 3 day old baby, what are her expectations re you. Bridesmaid? Attend without the baby? Attend without the baby? I’d always take that as a starting point.

She may well say she is happy for you to attend as a regular with the baby if you feel up to it and but that as she wants a child free wedding, she won’t be offended if you don’t attend.

From my own experience, I’ve attended many child free weddings and there has always been a caveat that babes in arms are exempt. Most guests who do show up at a child free wedding with an allowed newborn are considerate enough to take the baby outside during the vows if it starts squawking. If I were you I’d be managing her expectations..as soon as you’re aware what they are, based on your circumstances ie potentially the mother of a 3 day-2 week old.

billy1966 · 14/01/2021 17:16

Shame on your parents for their behaviour over the years.

No doubt your sister's behaviour is as bad as it is, because your parents have never told her to "cop on and to get over yourself".

Don't be surprised if this continues into the grandchildren........

I really hope your husband's family are nice and his parents can step up as decent GP's..

ukmail · 14/01/2021 17:20

I had a "child free" wedding but of course my 5 nephews and nieces were able to be there, as was a tiny babe in arms. Your sister has been pretty unreasonable organising the wedding so close to your due date and you've handled it well.

Hawkins001 · 14/01/2021 17:26

I'd say focus on your baby first and foremost, as for handling the situation, I'd say try the diplomatic approach so then if there is a breakdown in negotiations, at least you can say you tried too be reasonable.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/01/2021 17:27

@billy1966 totally this. The sister shouldn’t have been allowed to escalate, to the extent that things got to this

diddl · 14/01/2021 17:32

I'd be interested to know what she's telling her future husband!

OhCaptain · 14/01/2021 17:43

@Rose924 I don’t think it’s fair of you to involve your mother like this.

If you had a problem your sister was the one to say it to. Phoning your mum to have a bitch and expecting her to join in is out of order.

Regardless of how difficult and/or jealous your sister is, you shouldn’t be trying to put your parents in the middle.

MrsSleepyHB · 14/01/2021 18:09

YANBU to not go! I would buy into the drama of it though, don't listen to anyone's opinion of you not going. I wouldn't leave my baby either whilst they were so young.

I personally did have a child free wedding and there's nothing wrong with that either, but if she can't twist the rules for you certainly don't kill yourself to be there.

cherrypie790 · 14/01/2021 18:40

I think you've reacted really well OP. You should be proud of yourself.

I have a very troubled history with my sister, and it took me too many years to work out that the best reaction was to give no reaction at all.

Youseethethingis · 14/01/2021 18:44

I agree you’ve done the right thing.
She could rearrange the wedding if she wanted you there, you can’t rearrange your baby. That’s really all there is to it.
Her loss because your absence will cloud the day and you will be at home snuggling your beautiful new baby

altiara · 14/01/2021 18:45

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have support from OP’s parents! They’re just scared of the sister and that’s not fair on OP.

I was in hospital for 3 days after giving birth with both of mine (breastfeeding problems, temperature problems, dehydration, that was for the babies).

I also found out my local hospital would let you go 17 days over! (I think to try and manage the sheer numbers of expectant mothers). The other hospital option I had would only let you go 10 days over. No idea what’s the rule nowadays.

So there are quite a few scenarios you could be in - newborn, very very newborn, still in hospital, giving birth ..... and don’t forget the leaky boobs, the bleeding, the bruising, the stitches, the general shock that your baby didn’t come with instructions .....

I expect you’ll have a really straightforward birth now on your due date

WhereamI88 · 14/01/2021 18:46

I don't even need to hear the backstory to know she's an attention seeking madam. As sad as the situation is, you can't change how people behave. She's obviously done this on purpose and to be honest most guests will be pretty shocked to find out she picked a date when you're due to have a baby although few will ever say anything. Leave her to it and focus on your baby.

Hellotrees · 14/01/2021 19:14

With that backstory, I’m really sorry that your sister has done this. I hope it’s not going to stress you (more than COVID already is!) since it’s really important for you, indeed your growing baby’s future health, that you stay as relaxed as possible during pregnancy.

Standrewsschool · 14/01/2021 19:31

Just read your update.

It almost sounds like she has planned her wedding date to steal the limelight from you having the first baby in the family, or am I being cynical...?!

Dixiechickonhols · 14/01/2021 19:40

You’ve done the right thing. It will reflect badly on her. Even if you deliver early and smooth delivery you still can’t go if baby is banned. Alternatively you go 14 days over, failed induction then c section and will still be in hospital.

TrickQuestions · 14/01/2021 19:41

Asking you to leave your newborn baby for the day, breastfeeding or not, is utterly outrageous. Every child-free wedding I've ever been to has allowed newborns and young babies. I can't imagine that many mothers would want to be parted from their baby for a day, especially when that baby may only be a day or so old. Plus, if you are going to breastfeed then you don't want to interrupt your milk production by not feeding all day and you won't want to interrupt your breastfeeding/latch progress by allowing baby to have a bottle. You will also be tired and sore, possibly incredibly hormonal and emotional, and being parted from your baby would be completely distressing for you. Just so many reasons why this demand it unreasonable.

I hope you don't get too much grief for standing your ground, OP.

GabsAlot · 14/01/2021 19:56

your parents are in part blame for the way she acts they enable her so she get sher own way

tinselvestsparklepants · 14/01/2021 20:11

Graciously decline. Then wait for her to have her first child and for the penny to drop.

Broads93 · 14/01/2021 20:41

It's your sisters big day in all fairness. Me and my partner are planning a child free wedding as we don't want our ceremony ruined by screaming kids, especially when we don't have them nor are we fond of them either. We will be early communicating this on our invites and if anyone turns up with their children we will have to turn them away. If someone doesn't like this fact then they're more than welcome not to come, no skin off of my nose.
It's her wedding, she shouldn't have to deal with you making demands about her day when she's paid for it and organised it all. If you don't want to go then don't, but don't get b!tchy about her not planning her big day around you.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/01/2021 20:53

Aaaah the sisters arrived!

OhCaptain · 14/01/2021 21:00

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Aaaah the sisters arrived!

I think her point is fair enough.

OP didn’t need to get parents involved.

She could easily have just said “timing could be tricky”. But no, it had to be a big drama.

OP had her reasons for not wanting kids at her wedding, OP’s sister has her reasons. No difference.

CraftyYankee · 14/01/2021 21:18

Isn't the fact that OP will have a newborn actually a huge difference between the two examples? It's not like OP told her sister not to bring a child but insisting hers should get to come.

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