DH just sabotaged my lie in in the most spectacular fashion.

[bananamuncher]

I was up most of the night with writhing breastfeeding toddler, DH promised me a lie in as I sobbed at 3am about my poor battered nipples. Morning arrives. 5 year old wakes and DH takes his sweet time to get up and take him downstairs which means I’m basically awake now. I hear screaming and sighing and much drama from downstairs. I do get brought a cup of tea in bed though, (proofof no intention to let me sleep...?) While delivering tea he asks me lots of questions about where things are and the day’s weather (how the fuck would I know?).

Five year old comes flying in, switches on lights and climbs under the covers, waking toddler and bringing dog into bed. I can hear DH downstairs playing the fucking guitar! He finally comes up to collect five year old and also takes toddler downstairs. Complains he is useless at making coffee and he can’t find many, many things.

I hear more screaming and shouting from downstairs and decide to give up and go down. I get downstairs to kitchen,DH, five year old and dog all covered in milk ( some bizarre accident apparently) DH inconsolable and flapping about incapable of cleaning it up. Five year old now running around naked except open dressing gown, DH still quizzing me about toddlers missing slipper and the fucking weather!

He’s now taken himself off for a bath....

WIBU to bury him under the patio?

I’m laughing about it to be honest but Jesus Christ....

So a grown man, can't make a cup of coffee and doesn't know where things are in his own home? You must have a cracking sense of humour as I would not be laughing. I have a shovel and an alibi OP, just say the word!

This kind of shit just doesn’t fly with me.
DH works long hours as an NHS doctor and given current circumstances I cut him a lot of slack.

However, he recently got into the habit of thinking his ‘days off’ were his and he ‘really deserved them’.

He never wakes up with DS it’s always me at 5am but the other morning I was suffering so badly with back ache (I’m pregnant) DH had to.

When I got downstairs around 7 (still earlier than DH ever wakes up on a day off) I found DH, disgruntled he’d not got his usual lay in, hadn’t even managed to give DS breakfast.

He’d continually fed him baby crisps to stop him crying because he was hungry. DH ‘I don’t know how to do his breakfast’

Well that was it. I totally lost it with him! DS has REDYBREK for breakfast. DH knows this but apparently isn’t capable of makinh f redybrek!?!?!
Are there not instructions on the box?
Had I not told you a million times?
Is it not literally a case of ‘add milk and microwave for 60 seconds?’

Even if he was physically incapable of adding milk to a bowl the least he could have done was chopped up some banana from the fruit bowl.
‘Or do you also not know how to peel a banana?’

Apparently this made me ‘angry’ and ‘always having a go at him’ he sulked the rest of the day.

FFS men are not incapable they’re just lazy when they think someone else will do it for them!

It's great he promised you a lie in. You can have it tomorrow as he didn't deliver today.

"Oh, and there’s now milk under my fucking oven..."

No, there is milk under HIS over and he can clean it.

I think you posted this a bit light hearted but I don't get the humour. Your DP has been highly selfish. What's funny about a man not pulling their weight and not looking out for the needs of his partner?

What a wanker. Him, obviously.

@bananamuncher

Ok maybe I am deflecting. I’m fed up with being taken for granted and I’m tired and fucking stressed out and it feels like he piles everything on me. We left the U.K. in the summer so I don’t have any family support at all. Not that we could right now. I can’t face the thought of having made another bad marriage decision and yes it’s true, lashing out at those of you who are supportive is shitty of me, apologies.

No worries.

You say he's apologised and he's entertaining the toddler now.

So when they're in bed and all is calm, see if he's receptive to a proper conversation about the way forward.

I don't fully understand the relationship here. Is he your kids father?

Anyway, what do you mean "DH was inconsolable"?? Was he crying or traumatised over spilt milk???

Well done on making it to toddler stage with the BF, I'm still going at 20 months and it is damn hard.

How on earth have you made it this far with such an unsupportive DH? My DH gets up every morning with the toddler, on the basis that I have been up feeding multiple times in night. On weekends I get a 2 hour lie in. Even with this, she is teething at present and I am almost broken.

He's a mastertwat OP and you have my sympathy. You just needed a lie in and he did everything possible to make sure you couldn't enjoy it. I'd be putting him on notice that if he doesn't learn how to operate the home and parent his kids, you are going to rethink your marriage. Lazy bastard.

@bananamuncher

Ok maybe I am deflecting. I’m fed up with being taken for granted and I’m tired and fucking stressed out and it feels like he piles everything on me. We left the U.K. in the summer so I don’t have any family support at all. Not that we could right now. I can’t face the thought of having made another bad marriage decision and yes it’s true, lashing out at those of you who are supportive is shitty of me, apologies.

Hi Op,

I think you are in need of support from us all and this was hard to hear for you. It is too difficult for you to process right now.

Can I ask where you moved to? You have only been with your Dh a short time so I wonder why you moved away - were you living near your own family when you met him? Are you now living near his family?

Perhaps break it down for yourself, see what you can change for the next month, try to wean the toddler off the night feeds (I know this helped me enormously) and then see if there is a time in the day when you can go for a walk alone - just a walk (or tell your DH it is a run to get fit - you can't take a 5 year old and toddler on a run) or a run and spend 1/2 an hour alone every day while DH minds the DC. Then he gets a half hour alone to play guitar or whatever.

Once you get rest and time alone, your brain will stop the overwhelm that you currently have and you will be able to process your next steps.

Could you and you DH move back to the UK? Nearer your family? Would he find a job there?

You can DM me for more advice, or help reflecting on how you can progress from here in a concrete way. Good luck OP.

A bit off the point, but I just could not be bothered with ‘training’ a man as pps have mentioned. I want a partner, not a project. How do you imagine all these men lived before you met them? At some point they must have been capable adults.

What an arsehole. I would be fuming not laughing. Poor you you must be exhausted.

@ethelredhead

Mothers you have created men like this.

All those domestic chores you did for your sons so they never learned how to use a washing machine or tidy up. All those meals you cooked when they came home tired from school, nights out, random drug taking. All those times you told them they were wonderful and sorted out their mess so they actually believed it. All those times you acted as their domestic slave so they could feel like a real man.

Mothers of sons you created men like this DH. There is no hope for him - with luck he earns and fortune and is fantastic in bed at least.

But you can break the cycle and stop turning boys into useless men. You can do it mothers, just stop idolising your Darling Sons and start seeing them through the eyes of the poor so and so who will end up married to them for decades once they flown your feather-bedded nest.

Hmmmm, whilst I agree largely with your sentiment, it's very unfair to blame just the mothers!

What about the fathers of the boys?! He is just as complicit in the boy's shitty behaviour as an adult. Whether it's also raising him to be useless, or whether it's through being absent.

Blaming the mothers of these 'useless men' is very unfair.

@BornIn78

Mothers you have created men like this

Are you fucking kidding? What about fathers? Nope, it's all womens fault.

Oh the irony of your post.

Beat me too it! I agree blaming just the 'mothers' is wrong!

[quote Plussizejumpsuit]@Nanny0gg but if he's not working she can have the kids and she can have a rest.

Was your comment supposed to be pissy? We all know the parents of young children work so very hard.[/quote]
I presume your comment was supposed to be 'pissy'.

Mothers you have created men like this.

What about fathers?

He’s practising Learned Helplessness.
Do something badly, or claim you don’t know how to do something, then hope never to be asked to do it again.
Pretty childish and selfish.

This is horrible. & So unkind.

I hope you take that lie-in later on OP.

Really not on at all especially with you being up until that time and in pain.

I have read lots of similar stories and it seems to me that they do this to try and get out of being asked/expected to do it again.

I have had similar in the past and he knew I would come down once I heard any crying as he wouldn't bother doing certain things that are an essential in the morning.

Currently I am beyond exhausted and cannot remember what a lie in actually is as been that long so you have my sympathies!

He really needs to understand that you need time to yourself especially due to tiredness. He is equally responsible. What gets me is the fact he was playing the guitar!! So nevermind you having a lie in and him doing the morning routine! I would be having a serious chat with him but would try and leave it until you have actually managed to get some rest as tiredness and these kind of conversations never tend to go well together.

as soon as lock down is over book yourself a night in a Travelodge

I got one for £30 last September between lockdowns

take expensive bathbombs, wines chocolates and enjoy with a phone on mute

mean time keep going out and leaving dh to get on with life and look after two children - he needs practice

i don't think he understands that watching an awake child is very different to a sleeping one!
Of course he does, @niki26 . He understands that very well.

Doesn’t he just.

Absolute formatting fail, but I meant to agree. He understands perfectly well that looking after a sleeping child is easier than looking after an awake one. Every parent in the world understands that.

If a guy is motivated enough to have his own business, complete projects on time, deal with budgets etc then I’m certain he is more than capable of wrangling a bunch of pre-schoolers for a few hours. There was a long running thread a while back about incompetent husbands in relationships. Well worth a read!

The fact is too many women start off enabling this shit with one dc. 3-5 years later they find themselves with multiple dc still doing the bulk of parenting often whilst also working full time. The ‘d’h by now is so set with the status quo that changing the dynamic is unlikely.

Learned Helplessness is accidental. I would say he's being strategically incompetent. On purpose.

after last time you shold have stayed nearer fmaily-leaving yourself vulenerable so far away wasnt a good move

MN is not the place to post about a situation that has zero humour or lightheartedness about it and be surprised when you don't get "aww bloody men lolz they're all the same hun xx" type responses.

Someone crashing about the place and asking their exhausted wife lots of questions about where things are isn't having a one off bad day, that's someone who clearly doesn't usually pull their weight or support their partner. You say he's stressed too - would you dream of doing the same to him when it's his turn for a lie in? If not, why not?

I'm sorry you're having a tough time.