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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just sabotaged my lie in in the most spectacular fashion.

367 replies

bananamuncher · 14/01/2021 09:09

I was up most of the night with writhing breastfeeding toddler, DH promised me a lie in as I sobbed at 3am about my poor battered nipples. Morning arrives. 5 year old wakes and DH takes his sweet time to get up and take him downstairs which means I’m basically awake now. I hear screaming and sighing and much drama from downstairs. I do get brought a cup of tea in bed though, (proofof no intention to let me sleep...?) While delivering tea he asks me lots of questions about where things are and the day’s weather (how the fuck would I know?).

Five year old comes flying in, switches on lights and climbs under the covers, waking toddler and bringing dog into bed. I can hear DH downstairs playing the fucking guitar! He finally comes up to collect five year old and also takes toddler downstairs. Complains he is useless at making coffee and he can’t find many, many things.

I hear more screaming and shouting from downstairs and decide to give up and go down. I get downstairs to kitchen,DH, five year old and dog all covered in milk ( some bizarre accident apparently) DH inconsolable and flapping about incapable of cleaning it up. Five year old now running around naked except open dressing gown, DH still quizzing me about toddlers missing slipper and the fucking weather!

He’s now taken himself off for a bath....

WIBU to bury him under the patio?

I’m laughing about it to be honest but Jesus Christ....

OP posts:
evenBetter · 14/01/2021 11:23

Cross posted. So you’ve not been with him for long at all, two-ish years is still the honeymoon period, chemically, in a new relationship. Good luck..

diamondpony80 · 14/01/2021 11:24

If you've got a 5 year old surely in the last 5 years he learnt something about how to look after a child? If not, then I think you're in trouble.

HeyMister · 14/01/2021 11:24

If he doesn't know where anything is, that tells me you have been doing too much for him and have made a rod for your own back.

FunkBus · 14/01/2021 11:26

"I posted this as a lighthearted rant, but in classic MN fashion there’s a crap load of judgement and self righteous pearl clutching about how he’s a thundering wankgoblet."

It's funny how often women post about what a useless twat their husband is then get offended that everyone agrees.

The reason you're annoyed with people pointing out his twattishness is because you know he's a twat but you don't really want to own up to it. We've all been there.

It's your life, but deliberately ruining your lie in and then going off for a bath isn't just slightly useless, it's a massive sign of disrespect.

SATSmadness · 14/01/2021 11:28

You absolutely must nip this in the bud. He's taken himself off for a bath indeed ! Insist he opens the bathroom door to admit the 5 year old who also needs cleaning up from the milk spill, oh and whilst they're having a bit of unplanned morning bath-time fun, the toddler shouldn't miss out so have him look after that one too, in the bathroom.

You can then sit down with a cup of coffee.

Notimeforaname · 14/01/2021 11:29

It's a little worrying op if you just left an abusive relationship and immediately found a new man to have a child with,it makes me wonder if you have a pattern of choosing abusive men and could be left vulnerable to being in a similar position again.

I hope this is just a lighthearted blip and he really is all the lovely things you say. Its hard to believe that at the moment though.

evenBetter · 14/01/2021 11:29

Exactly, funk , so many threads where people whine about what a pathetic specimen they picked ‘heehee, my boyfriend is such a useless wanker’ and then everyone agrees with them, and they’re like ‘he’S a gReAt dAd’ 🙄 standards in the gutter, and thus the cycle perpetuates.

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 11:32

I’m sure someone has already mentioned this - not rtft - but it’s called strategic incompetence. He is perfectly capable of doing all these things, he just doesn’t want to. So he makes an absolute cock-up of it all so you don’t ask him for a lie-in any more. He thinks you having a lie-in is him doing you a “favour” which he doesn’t seem to think you deserve. Any decent partner wouldn’t need to be asked, knowing you have been up breastfeeding all night.
He’s a selfish knobhead.

OhCaptain · 14/01/2021 11:34

@bananamuncher nice of you to attack the posters who’ve supported you.

There’s nothing lighthearted about a man being useless. You’re the one that posted about sobbing at 3am ffs!

CharityDingle · 14/01/2021 11:34

@problembottom

The spilled milk scene sounds funny and I wouldn't be cross about that. I could see similar happening with DP and DD. When I have a lie in and get downstairs it's often chaos.

I would be cross about him playing the guitar and asking me pointless questions though. Cross is an understatement...

And do you clear up the chaos?
Cam77 · 14/01/2021 11:34

@FunkBus

Or.... Perhaps DH is a thoroughly decent, hardworking and considerate person who is under stress like we all are and lost the plot one morning, which OP subsequently posted about. A post about ten minutes (or even 10 days for that matter) in which parent acted as a shit incompetent parent doesn't actually mean they are sht incompetent parent the other 364 days of the year. Assuming even that we are not getting a very one-sided emotional spur of the moment account of an event.

TonMoulin · 14/01/2021 11:35

I I posted this as a lighthearted rant, but in classic MN fashion there’s a crap load of judgement and self righteous pearl clutching about how he’s a thundering wankgoblet.

I would say that if you wanted to be lighthearted then you should have been clear in your OP that actually this is an unusual behaviour from him. Otherwise, how on earth do you expect people to know?

Fwiw what you have described about him is not being a great and fantastic dad. Its being a decent parent. No browny point from me because you are looking after your dcs, playing with them and suporting homeschooling.

SilkyMoonfaceandTheSaucepanMan · 14/01/2021 11:37

@Buddytheelf85

Oldest trick in the book. My DH used to do the same - not quite so spectacularly. But would hear the toddler wake, lie in bed for 40 minutes refusing to get up while I was kicking him in the back (getting increasingly more awake), and then when he finally got up would make so much noise and chaos that I couldn’t sleep anyway and ended up getting up. Not fucking funny.

I read him the riot act, but I worked out that actually the best tactic (in our case) was to do the same back. So when he was expecting a lie in, I would get up, throw the curtains open, switch all the lights on, bring the toddler back into bed to climb on him and put nursery rhymes on the Alexa. And I explained to him that either we both get lie ins, or we both don’t - but I wasn’t going to facilitate lie ins for him if he wouldn’t do the same for me. It worked quite well - he soon got the message.

Also I have zero right to tell you how to look after your child or what to do with your body but things might be easier for you if you weaned the toddler - or at least night weaned him?

This, a million times. @Buddytheelf85 has the answer right here.
HeadIsFucked · 14/01/2021 11:37

I would be so pissed off with this.

Happyone8 · 14/01/2021 11:38

Why didn’t you put all the great stuff in and then say ‘ on this one occasion, however ...’ Instead , after everyone has agreed with you the behaviour is crap , you then go on the defensive with how great he really is most of the time, all stress he is under etc
The behaviour obviously upset you enough to post but now downplaying it and turning on us Hmm for agreeing

squaresandsquares · 14/01/2021 11:38

My ex was like this and one of the reasons we split. He had no respect for my precious lie ins.

ZooeyS · 14/01/2021 11:40

in classic MN fashion there’s a crap load of judgement and self righteous pearl clutching about how he’s a thundering wankgoblet

Why do you think that might be? Hmm

Professionalworrier · 14/01/2021 11:41

@bananamuncher

I’m not a martyr, at all. Toddler is 16months but very much a mobile toddler.

I’m remarried, yes.

Honestly it is funny, because it’s not normally like this. He’s downtown now playing with the kids and has been homeschooling DS.

We’re under an awful lot of pressure. Business has dwindled to nothing and he’s been finding it hard to sleep, he’s stressed and sad I get it, playing the guitar is a way to relieve his stress, obviously he shouldn’t be doing that when he’s supposed to be doing something else but I’m not a complete bitch, he’s struggling too.

He really does get it about the ridiculous drama this morning, and has not only apologised but also is now dealing with the kids as a decent father should.

I posted this as a lighthearted rant, but in classic MN fashion there’s a crap load of judgement and self righteous pearl clutching about how he’s a thundering wankgoblet.

I’m not going to leave him, I’m going to communicate my issues and deal with the ways we can do better.

AIBU can tend to run away with the LTB comments. I think we all have our moments where we could do better by our partners. Sounds like your DH realised that and ye are able to communicate sensibly so no need to LTB. If ye are going through a difficult time it can be hard to organise yourself, to think straight. I know lately I hate being on my own for too long so DH probably doesnt get as big of break he should and then some mornings he is finding things overwhelming so I dont get my lie in/break. It's all swings and roundabouts,as long as its generally even it's ok. Day dreaming about throwing the guitar out the window does help tho
Boulshired · 14/01/2021 11:41

I would ask for the thread to be deleted people have tried to be supportive on the information you gave and now some are going to check your previous history and the thread will start going in a completely different way.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 14/01/2021 11:47

I hope he lets you have your lie in tomorrow OP.

This reminds me of when DC2 was a newborn. PIL had very kindly come to look after DC1 whilst I was in labour and had stayed on for a bit longer. One morning the midwife came to see us and arrived as DH, MIL and FIL were all twatting about trying to get everything ready to take DC1 swimming. So 3 adults attempting to pack swimming trunks and towels into a bag to take one 3 year old swimming. The fuss and drama was mind blowing and the midwife and I just sat there watching them all flap about. After they finally left she just said “bloody hell...”

😂😫

ginghamstarfish · 14/01/2021 11:50

Amazed you'd have a third child with a man who seems to be so useless with having to deal with kids/home life generally!

Taikoo · 14/01/2021 11:51

He'd get such a kick up the hole from me.
He sounds dreadful.

Lucieintheskye · 14/01/2021 11:54

Go for a walk early one morning, say your phone will be on silent and leave him to it. (Bring a flask and snack so you can really milk it)

Chanandlerbong01 · 14/01/2021 12:01

I would have plonked the kids in the bath with him and gone back to bed. He could have cleaned up after his bath.

littlepattilou · 14/01/2021 12:02

@bananamuncher I have to agree with the many posters on here who say this is not funny. At ALL.

There seems to be a raft of women on here this week, excusing shitty or unacceptable behaviour from men, because they 'know no better' or they 'can't help it..' Hmm

Does my head in.

Sorry OP, but this is not on. You need to set some boundaries and tell him 'do NOT wake me up!' Next time he does it, check yourself into a hotel for the weekend as soon as you can, and leave him to it. (When lockdown is over of course!)

You have my utmost sympathy. Too many men are like this, and too many women enable them. My DH was brilliant for entertaining our DD, and has always been a hands-on dad, but I have known many women with husbands who behave like yours.

Like a few others on here, I HATE people who claim they are incapable of basic shit, just so others do it for them. (And some women do it as well as some men.)

But men do love to pull the 'I don't know how to do it' shit when it comes to childcare. Sometimes it's because they are too lazy, and sometimes it's because they think it's 'woman's work.'

Yep, some men really do still believe this.

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