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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to ask for reasons dd didn't get the job

223 replies

BedofRoses88 · 14/01/2021 08:58

My dd did a trial at a cafe last week along with some others. I picked her up at the end of it and it all seemed so positive. She was sat down, paid, asked when she could start and what days she could do etc and I was almost certain she would be offered the job. They were taking on more than 1 person. She's 16 and it was me who originally saw the advert so I had previously messaged the owner and chatted to him quite a bit. She's not been told either way but would have been asked to start tomorrow so I'm sure she's not got it. Part of me thinks leave it but the other thinks it would be useful to get constructive criticism. But I don't want it to come across like I'm demanding why she didn't get it! Wwyd?

OP posts:
SnowflakeCulture · 15/01/2021 18:35

This has reminded me of a friend whose husband wasn't interested in her and was possibly having an affair with a work colleague.

I knew this friend during school and had reconnected with her in our twenties.

She was telling me her marriage problems and showed me the woman he may have been having an affair with, except she never thought they were having an affair but we're just good friends.

I immediately thought it was an affair as the women and him and had photos of him and her celebrating his 30th Birthday.

The work colleague was ugly, the friend better looking than the average woman and very young looking.

It was only later on that day after shoping, we went to a restaurant I realised why he didn't want her.

She couldn't even order off a menu! She was copying everything I said and when I changed my mind she would change hers!!

I thought back to the days events - it was very childlike, just how we were at school, I didn't mind because it was nostalgic.

However, that stunted growth, I totally understand why he didn't want her. (It was an arranged marriage, so they couldn't have known much about each other)

My point being stop molly coddling your daughter, she'll become an useless adult.

bemusedmoose · 15/01/2021 18:42

If she wants the answer then she should ask herself.

At 16 if the parent starts getting involved the employer will back right off! They will get the impression of a pushy demanding and annoying parent that will only stick their oar in constantly and more than likely also give the impression that the child they are employing will not be that hard working either.

Leave it to your daughter.

Scoobydoobydo · 15/01/2021 18:47

Butt out Mother

Dasher789 · 15/01/2021 18:52

I don't think you should follow up but your DD definitely should. Just an email to the guy saying she had really enjoyed the trial and wondered when she would hear back and if she had been unsuccessful any feedback or tips for the future would be appreciated. I have done that before.

maddiemookins16mum · 15/01/2021 19:04

Yep, the Cafe owner is thinking ‘’Imogen's mother will be a right pain’

Obvs feel free to use whatever name suits.

Passenger42 · 15/01/2021 19:16

This is a cafe, not a local Authority or a big company who might have best practice on feedback after interview. Chalk it down to experience and start building confidence in your daughter to sell herself and show her skills at a next trial. I had a trial in a pub and the cheeky fucker owner tried not to pay me for my time, he was a bit shocked when I walked in the following day and asked for my wages for 4 hrs work.

riceuten · 15/01/2021 19:21

Yes. If she's bothered about it, get her to ring up. If I was an employer, and a parent rang to ask why their offspring didn't get a job, it would give a pretty dim impression of both, if I am going to be perfectly honest with you. Either they found someone they liked better, they haven't go round to calling, or they are complete arseholes who randomly took a dislike to her.

Move on.

lynfordthecrab · 15/01/2021 19:26

I am an employer and have had this many times. Parents ringing and emailing saying my son, daughter wants a job with you because....and honestly I would never ever employ these kids, because if DS or DD want the job that badly they will take the initiative and apply themselves if mummy or daddy have to do it for them then they certainly don’t have the motivation I am looking for. It translates as Mummy and Daddy are sick of your lazy arse at home and we will bloody well get you into a job one way or another! Just no.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/01/2021 19:32

@lynfordthecrab

I am an employer and have had this many times. Parents ringing and emailing saying my son, daughter wants a job with you because....and honestly I would never ever employ these kids, because if DS or DD want the job that badly they will take the initiative and apply themselves if mummy or daddy have to do it for them then they certainly don’t have the motivation I am looking for. It translates as Mummy and Daddy are sick of your lazy arse at home and we will bloody well get you into a job one way or another! Just no.
I've had this too and one I dont get is that if I was doing this for one of my kids, which I wouldnt but if I was, I would at least email pretending to be them!

I cannot get my head around anyone who thinks that emailing as the parent on behalf of their child (and some well over 18 so actually an adult) would be seen as anything other than negatively!

retired60 · 15/01/2021 19:39

So many parents interfere. Let the children develop and make mistakes. I’m my office I’ve seen so many overprotective parents. “I’m phoning ... at uni to ensure they are awake as they have a lecture at 2pm’. Phoning or texting constantly about their friends. Even doing their assignments and or dissertation.
It’s nonsense some - not all parents can’t let their precious children grow up without interfering.
A mother phoning re a job is definitely not in the mother’s job description.

jwpetal · 15/01/2021 19:43

No. But she can ask for feedback. The worst they can say is no.

Localocal · 15/01/2021 20:41

First of all, do not embarrass yourself and your daughter by inserting yourself into this process in any way.

Secondly, if they haven't come back to your daughter then she hasn't been turned down. They may just not have decided what to do. For God's sake don't turn your nice daughter into "the girl we aren't hiring because of her mad mother."

angelfacecuti75 · 15/01/2021 20:44

Probably because of covid . Businesses are in trouble. Perhaps they couldn't take on as many as they'd hope. Dont interfere , let dd sort it herself, she will look stupid if you do.

VestaTilley · 15/01/2021 20:46

How on earth can any of us possibly know the answer to this? What a crazy post.

She was probably beaten by someone with more experience, or who interviewed better or who the hiring manager liked more. It’s not rocket science and you’re not guaranteed a job in today’s labour market just because you’re qualified.

Do not contact the cafe - you will look insane.

Nigglenaggle · 15/01/2021 22:03

We would not look at a 16yr old who's parents did everything for her. Realistically they aren't going to have the independent skills to do well. It's time to step back and remember it's not your life.

GabsAlot · 15/01/2021 22:35

@SnowflakeCulture

This has reminded me of a friend whose husband wasn't interested in her and was possibly having an affair with a work colleague.

I knew this friend during school and had reconnected with her in our twenties.

She was telling me her marriage problems and showed me the woman he may have been having an affair with, except she never thought they were having an affair but we're just good friends.

I immediately thought it was an affair as the women and him and had photos of him and her celebrating his 30th Birthday.

The work colleague was ugly, the friend better looking than the average woman and very young looking.

It was only later on that day after shoping, we went to a restaurant I realised why he didn't want her.

She couldn't even order off a menu! She was copying everything I said and when I changed my mind she would change hers!!

I thought back to the days events - it was very childlike, just how we were at school, I didn't mind because it was nostalgic.

However, that stunted growth, I totally understand why he didn't want her. (It was an arranged marriage, so they couldn't have known much about each other)

My point being stop molly coddling your daughter, she'll become an useless adult.

what a weird analogy
Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 16/01/2021 06:24

@GabsAlot I thought the same 🤣 bit of a stretch to compare the two

A lot of the people here saying ‘stop interfering’ ‘butt out’ and ‘let your daughter use her initiative’ implies that initiative is something innate that we don’t have to be shown how to do by our parents. It implies 16 year olds have fully formed, logical adult brains (which they don’t) there’s absolutely no harm (and a lot of good parenting) in OP supporting her daughter to plan how to approach this and coaching her through it. It’s a valuable life skill and teaches assertiveness, problem solving skills and learning to take feedback and apply changes in future.

ChocolateNoodle · 16/01/2021 09:13

As your daughter is 16yo, suggest she visits the cafe and asks the owner. Great that you as her Mum spotted the job advert but she’s old enough to handle this herself.

Birdcloud · 16/01/2021 12:30

When my DS was 16, he wanted to work in the hols but was terrified of the interview. A local pub was advertising for a KP. He managed the phone call to ask, but on interview morning he got into a terrible state. Drove him to the pub and sat with him outside for about 15 mins calming him down. He got the job; and with no interference from me. He’s now a research chemist heading up a team! You have to help them, but behind the scenes.

digger2014 · 16/01/2021 12:54

Yes I think you're very wise to stay well away. Maybe next time, if you see a Facebook ad, you could just tell your daughter about it and not message the employer...and certainly don't go into the place and talk with the employer. Sounds like you may be the reason she didn't get the job. I employ a couple of staff and would not take on a young person whose mother seemed too involved. Let her do these things herself and cut the apron strings!

Madamum18 · 16/01/2021 17:47

If your daughter's wants to know what is going on then she needs to contact HER potential employer! |Dealing with this sort of stuff builds confidence and resilience. Having it all done for you does not!!

icedgem85 · 17/01/2021 11:47

Oh dear. You’ll be the reason she didn’t get it. It shows immaturity. The rest of them would have applied themselves and that would make the employer feel more secure that they want the job and will show up. Please don’t do it again!!

MissMarpleDarling · 17/01/2021 13:03

Me and my mate at 16 both got jobs together. Her mum would always discuss things with our boss on the daughters behalf and asked for a meeting to discuss her performance. Boss told her he didn't want her daughter back the next day as she (the mum) was too much. So I'd say no OP!

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