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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

496 replies

Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:08

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

OP posts:
QueenPawPaws · 23/01/2021 10:21

What @ProfessorInkling said. I would have said STFU about my hair, what is your issue with it?
Mine is curly and slightly wild, my FWB has never mentioned it apart from hair smells nice/oh you got it cut looks good
It's not even an issue, I like him for HIM, couldn't care less about his hair/stomach/any other body part

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 23/01/2021 10:27

Delay moving in with him - this could be just someone who’s a bit socially uneasy or it could be a sign of controlling tendencies

ProudAuntie76 · 23/01/2021 10:28

@HikeForward

*There’s no way in hell I’d stick around with a man that had so many issues and opinions about my appearance. I don’t see this as a particularly aspirational set up!*

I’d rather a man liked my ‘natural’ look than preferred me with heavy make up or false nails and eyelashes. I also like my natural look. Unless we’re going out, or to a formal occasion, then we help each other decide on our outfits and hair depending what sort of image we want to present.

It’s not about what a partner prefers. I don’t do fake nails, lashes etc but that’s nothing to do with DH. My appearance is up to me. His appearance is up to him. We met each other and were attracted to one another and our personal grooming is our choice. I see someone saying makeup feels sticky or nails make them nervous as extremely fussy and whiny. The idea of someone suggesting it’s time for me to go for a trim etc really irks me. I simply couldn’t be with someone who policed my appearance in that way, nor could I be that kind of person. Very entitled.
NameChange84 · 23/01/2021 10:36

With my ex what started with

“I prefer you looking natural”

and

“You aren’t like all those other women who do the fake look. Why do women do that?”

Swiftly turned into emotional abuse and punishment if I dared wear lipstick, or a dress or eventually even SHOWER if we were going on a date to the theatre or a nice restaurant.

If I spent too much time in the toilet, even when on my period, he wanted to know why and would go in a huff if he thought I was “freshening up”.

It also quickly became evident that he had a huge Madonna/Whore complex and mummy issues. Unsurprisingly his Mum was quite masculine looking - scrubbed raw face, short manly haircut, power suits or hiking gear and quite an abusive woman herself who hated sex or any suggestion of sex and forbid her own daughters to wear feminine clothes or make up.

Maybe unsurprisingly he ended up marrying a virgin til marriage in her mid 20s who made zero effort with her appearance.

He was a horrible abusive person and I left that relationship with my self esteem in tatters and no longer knowing how I wanted to look.

Men get no say in my appearance now. Compliments are fine. Telling me what to do? Out the door.

Aprilx · 23/01/2021 10:39

He does seem to mention it a fair bit. However I don’t think it is unusual to comment on a partners hair. If DH grew his hair long I think I would be saying something about it too. I also sometimes comment on his beard, he had never had one before lockdown so it is a new thing to me.

Hairdressers were open from July up until December, don’t really understand why you keep talking about lockdown hair and not being able to get it cut assuming you wanted to. I went to the hairdressers six times last year, although I don’t know when I will be going again.

Crookairroad · 23/01/2021 10:47

@Pollypudding

I agree with posters who say he is testing out his level of control over you. You have told him several times you like it down. He has made you feel insecure to the extent that you are asking strangers on the internet about your hair. Please listen to your instincts 🦄
I agree with this. Completely. Trust your instincts Op.
fuzzyduck1 · 23/01/2021 10:54

Maybe he likes men more than he thinks?
He could be in denial so wants his gf to look more like a man

Speakeasy22 · 23/01/2021 11:07

To be fair OP, you seem to mention your hair an awful lot too and think a lot about it. Sounds like you're reading too much into it maybe? Why bother with "sarcastic" hair comments at all?

TatianaBis · 23/01/2021 11:13

Well he could be a controlling bastard or you may just need a haircut.

napody · 23/01/2021 11:15

@Bluntness100

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it.

You madam have a problem on your hands.

I agree this is a possibility. In lockdown when you're not out and about together it would be difficult to spot if he were the jealous type. I'd (at least) firmly ask him to stop mentioning it and keep a close eye on that sort of behaviour.
napody · 23/01/2021 11:19

'It's way too soon for him to be having opinions on my hair.'

This exactly.

YouJustDoYou · 23/01/2021 11:25

"Can you just fucking shut up about my hair?" is what I'd be thinking were that me.

Lovemusic33 · 23/01/2021 11:25

I would wear it down all the time just so he gets the idea that you are not going to put it up to please him.

It might not necessarily be a red flag but I think you need to put him in his place with this so he doesn’t think he can dictate to you in the future. I would just tell him that you will not be putting your hair up because you prefer it down and you won’t be wearing it up just to please him.

I prefer men with beards and in the last have said this to partners (I’m single at the moment) but I don’t think that makes me a bitch, I just find it a big turn in if a man has facial hair rather than being clean shaven. I wouldn’t force anyone to grow a beard though.

HamAndButterSandwich · 23/01/2021 11:25

This is all in the tone. Most people have preferences about appearances. My DH loves it when I have my hair in a certain style and he's mentioned it to me. I don't usually wear it like that because I'm a lazy scruff bag but will sometimes. Likewise I think DH looks great in a certain style of glasses and told him so, he couldn't give a toss either way so buys this style of glasses now. If he had a preference of his own he'd choose the glasses he preferred over my preference.

If there is something else going on or there's something in his tone when he says it then it may give me pause, if he just likes your hair up, as long as he accepts it's ultimately your choice I wouldn't care.

Esquire3 · 23/01/2021 11:36

I would be cautious he isn't a future problem,control,manipulation and coersive behaviour starts gradually, next it could be he prefers you in trousers not skirts,he ain't keen on your friend etc to make you feel uncomfortable about doing being what you want to do/wear.

MiddlesexGirl · 23/01/2021 11:40

Just tell him, nicely, to leave off commenting about it and remind him that you prefer it long and it will be staying that way regardless of his preference.

PS. Where is the elusive picture of OP's hair? Would love to see it being a long hair fan myself.

Benjispruce2 · 23/01/2021 11:52

Sounds to me as though he wants you to look a certain way. If that’s different to how you feel happy, you need to tell him straight. If he stops, fine but if not I’d move on. Either he likes you for you or not.

CostaDelCovid · 23/01/2021 11:57

@HappyFlamingo

Be straight with him. He thinks he's complimenting you and doesn't know it's upsetting you. Just say "please stop saying that - I prefer it down". You may have to repeat it a couple of times but then he should get the message (if he doesn't you have other problems).

I understand OP - my MIL does the same. I always wear my hair down and on the very few occasions she's seen me with it up she always says how nice it looks. Argh!

she always says how nice it looks. Argh! What a total bitch for complimenting you.........HmmHmmHmm
cardoon · 23/01/2021 12:01

have you asked him precisely why he is so obsessed with your hair?

CostaDelCovid · 23/01/2021 12:02

@Melonslice444 The worst thing you could've possibly done is ask on here OP.
Many MNetters will find a fault/sign of controlling behaviour in literally ANYTHING

FolkyFoxFace · 23/01/2021 12:08

I've read this from the start, and honestly he would really be getting on my nerves! I'd find it creepy, but I'd also find it really bloody cheeky too. It's one thing to compliment your hair, another to be all over you like a rash about it, or an excited puppy at the mere thought of a trim. It's your hair ffs!

For what it's worth, my hair is probably my best feature. It's very long and dark and curly, I've always had compliments on it. DH likes my hair but he never tells me what to do with it, or hints I look better a certain way. If he'd done this in the early days he wouldn't be my DH - it's MY hair. Same of he'd tried to push me into wearing skirts because he liked my legs or something like that.

I like his hair short or longer, and it's nice when he does get it cut because it looks different. However, I'd never tell him to get it done. Or to grow it long. I just tell him he looks nice when it's freshly cut or getting long and curly. It's his hair.

Benjispruce2 · 23/01/2021 12:13

Done threads make me realise how lucky I am. Been married to DH for 25 years and he’s never tried to control what I wear or do. I’ve had a short pixie cut, very long hair, blonde, brunette, straight and curly and he always says it’s nice. He has said he likes it up and down over the years.
If I met someone who tried to make me look a certain way, I’d find that unattractive. If you ask and he gives an opinion then that’s different.

Benjispruce2 · 23/01/2021 12:14

Some not done.

Chambored · 23/01/2021 12:16

It's way too soon for him to be having opinions on my hair

So you need to tell him to STFU.
Or go the other way and turn up for your next date with one of those bald cap wig things!

www.halloweencostumes.co.uk/bald-cap.html

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 23/01/2021 12:21

Honestly I couldn’t put up with him!