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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

496 replies

Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:08

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 13/01/2021 13:33

@Bluntness100

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it.

You madam have a problem on your hands.

That is what I thought. Maybe he would like you to shave it off and wear a veil over your face, body.
YoniAndGuy · 13/01/2021 13:33

Sorry no, not good.

He doesn't sound complimentary - he sounds like a controller who's currently treading carefully so as not to push it too far too soon.

Tbh I'd be raising my eyebrows at lots and lots of comments on appearance anyway. Fine occasionally or in context. Not really fine if you're essentially being constantly appraised. It's often an early warning sign of controllers, the weighing up and the informing you of their opinions. Soon followed by 'but, if you did this instead, which I'd prefer, it would be better...'

Next time, shut it down. Really, really firmly. There is NO POINT in going further and getting more involved if you've got little niggles like this coming up - tackle them straight away, they're your early check card. If he's a prick in disguise, best to find out now!

'Thanks, but I prefer my hair down. You've mentioned that a few times now, it's a bit offputting to be honest. I'm happy with my style, and I dress/style for myself. Thanks'

'I prefer my hair down. I won't be changing that so you can change the record now, lol!'

Lots of ways to do it, but - be blunt. Someone said on here that the acid test is how he reacts when you give a firm no. Or in this case, a firm 'stop that nonsense, I don't like it'. So no laughing and changing the subject - you tell him you don't like him going on about how you could change your hair. Blunt.

CallistoSol · 13/01/2021 13:33

You are very patient OP, I would have told him to sod off the second time he mentioned it. Your hair sounds lovely (my favourite colour) please don't wear it differently to please him. And I also think it's verging on negging. Do you feel like he's been love bombing you?

Whoateallthestuffingballs · 13/01/2021 13:34

I can only say that my ex used to be the same about my hair and it was the thin end of the wedge with him. First it was about my hair, oh you'd look nice with your hair like that when seeing women on TV (and I'm sorry to say, I did have my hair cut as I started to believe him). Then it was buying me perfume, makeup and clothes for birthday/Valentines Day/Christmas. And everyone was like, oh wow, what nice presents, you're so lucky. Except the things he bought weren't "me", totally not my style. And eventually, he would "suggest" stuff I should wear when we're out together. And the drip drip drip wore away at my confidence and eventually I found out he was cheating and took him back.

I had to move away for work temporarily and that's how I got some distance from the situation. Everyone thought he was amazing, including my mother!

I am not saying this is your situation. Just if my experience can help you or someone else.

Emeraldshamrock · 13/01/2021 13:36

Your hair is stunning 😍 now I saw your hair my suspicion is he is insecure he doesn't want other men looking your way, most men go weak at their knees for lovely natural long hair.

BrassicaRabbit · 13/01/2021 13:36

OP are you with my (very) ex? He couldn't stand my very thick, long, wavyish hair loose. He thought it made me look wild, out of control, loose morals etc. For similar reasons he hated my fur coat too.

It is not worth it long term, if he only likes a specific version of you.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 13/01/2021 13:36

Your hair is absolutely beautiful. Don't do a thing to it
Change the man instead of your hair!

Original poster
Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:36

No he can't control me. I don't like my hair up half the time. So I won't be doing it. But it just makes me feel my version of how I feel beautiful won't be his idea of beautiful. I feel my best when my hairs straight and smooth and I've got my makeup on. If I went out somewhere for a date etc I'd always want it down.

OP posts:
Tier10 · 13/01/2021 13:36

Next time he mentions your hair just say stop mentioning my hair, I have it how i like it, it you don’t like it then that’s your problem.

nuitdesetoiles · 13/01/2021 13:37

To be honest the repeat mention sounds a bit controlling. Our hair and how we wear it is a massive part of our personality. Mine is curly, long and a bit wild..! I don't go for "neat" hair or nicely tied up, neither do I straighten it.

I had an ex who just didn't see "me" he saw a version of me... And tried to mould me to that. He bought me the most awful townie clothes to wear and this horrible gold longines watch £600!! So traditional looking at so far from "me" it was embarrassing. I had to pretend to like it and wear it when I was with him. It jarred so much with the rest of my image... Gave it to my mum in the end..

HappyFlamingo · 13/01/2021 13:37

Your hair is gorgeous OP!

Poppingnostopping · 13/01/2021 13:37

You have amazing hair.

I think your instinct is right on this one. One off remark 'your hair looks lovely up', fine. Consistently mentioning it, offering to cut it (even as joke), saying why do you wear it down, very offputting.

He compliments you a lot but is expecting something in return. What is it? Is this a healthy dynamic?

I suppose ultimately it comes down to this- do you feel better after the compliment? If the answer is no, then it's because it's not a straight-forward compliment and there's something else going on.

Scaredykittycat · 13/01/2021 13:38

Everyone has different tastes. Personally I like long hair. I have friends that cut their hair to their shoulders and it’s not to my taste. I’m not a fan of hair up, always wear mine down.

However I have two friends who actually look better with their hair up and I always compliment them when it’s up because it genuinely looks better. Not that I’d ever tell them that when their hair is down!

Maybe he knows it makes you really attractive and doesn’t want other men to look at you. Maybe he prefers short hair. Maybe he really does think you look better with it up.

angieloumc · 13/01/2021 13:38

Wow your hair is beautiful. It is just as a pp said imo; he doesn't want 'other men' looking at you. It's the start of controlling you or trying to anyway.

fibeee · 13/01/2021 13:39

This made me see red (no pun intended!) just reading it.

I had a long term ex just like this. Always on at me to wear my hair up. It progressed to complaining every time I wore my glasses, complaining I didn't wear skirts enough, complaining when I wore scarves or blazers or items of clothing he didn't like etc. Eventually my self esteem was in tatters and my mental health in the gutter he picked at my appearance so much. I'm now married to a man who barely comments on my hair at all and that suits me just fine!

Obviously I don't know the guy OP. But based on my own experiences if I was at the beginning of a relationship with a guy and he started behaving like this I would get out.

senua · 13/01/2021 13:39

Can't you just have the conversation where you say what you said in your OP? If you can't talk then this is going nowhere.

dottiedodah · 13/01/2021 13:39

If he said " In a joke" that he would cut it ,I would be very wary .Long hair is traditionally a sign of fertility ,and will be attractive to men .He seems insecure at best and a bit of a jealous wanker at worst! Your hair your rules!

Palavah · 13/01/2021 13:39

@Melonslice444

I am starting to think he doesnt like it. I said to him today are you saying it's too long? He said no I like long hair I just think you look pretty with it up? Then I said it would normally be cut more and he joked he would do it.

I'm trying to work out if I'm being over sensitive and paranoid.

You're already responding to justify to him why you haven't changed your appearance to suit him.

Stop doing that.

Plussizejumpsuit · 13/01/2021 13:40

@Bluntness100

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it.

You madam have a problem on your hands.

Wow that's a bit of a jump. Are women with short hair or who wear it up unattractive?
EleanorOalike · 13/01/2021 13:40

Sounds like at best he’s controlling, at worst he’s got a haircut fetish. I encountered one. He was gross. Some men get sexual thrills out of having short haired or bald girlfriends. They groom them to allow them to cut their hair in often quite hideous styles or to take them to the barbers etc. It’s a sexual thing. Associated with bdsm, humiliation etc.

You have lovely hair. Ignore his opinion.

3rdNamechange · 13/01/2021 13:41

@JohnBarron

he joked he would do it.

Yeah that’s weird.

Not joking
TheGoogleMum · 13/01/2021 13:41

Whatever you do don't change for him. Your hair is beautiful. I did know someone as a teenager who preferred hair up on females? It could be unsinister, he just prefers that look but has no expectation of you to comply. Or it could be as others say trying to make you less attractive or trying to control you. Personally if DH shaved his hair off i would probably tell him I preferred it longer and dont think that would be abuse, just personal preference, but don't expect him to base his appearance on my preferences. Be firm and let your hair be luscious and long!

Deux · 13/01/2021 13:41

Your hair is gorgeous. I think you need to take a firm stand. Your instinct is telling you that something is off here; that his motivations differ from the words out of his mouth.

Clarice99 · 13/01/2021 13:41

Your hair - gorgeous. I now have hair envy Grin

He doesn't come across well and sounds potentially controlling.

I'd be inclined to ask him outright why he feels the need to labour the point. And then remind him that it's your hair, your choice. The end which means STFU.

sasparilla1 · 13/01/2021 13:41

I think you need to be straight with him - next time he mentions it, just say that's how you like it. End of.

I know full well that my husband prefers my hair up, but I don't so it's something I only do for convenience. And also at night as it gets on my nerves. He also likes it darker, but I don't. But he wouldn't dream of going on about it.

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