Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

496 replies

Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:08

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 23/01/2021 07:55

Warning bells. He could be a control freak in hiding. First it's your hair. Then if you comply, what's next?

I agree with others to call him out on it. It's the sort of thing that can escalate.

Forf0cksake · 23/01/2021 08:05

Fucking hell OP I've just read all your posts and in the nicest way possible, you sound utterly unhinged!!
You're reading far to much into this. You yourself will know this, do you have a pretty face? Because even the most beautiful hair in the world does cover up the face somewhat. If you don't and your hair is your only redeeming quality then fair enough, maybe it is a control thing, but if not and he genuinely hasn't shown a single other sign of controlling behaviour then all these comments are by far the most ridiculous thread I've saw in a while Grin

C0NNIE · 23/01/2021 08:12

@Forf0cksake

Fucking hell OP I've just read all your posts and in the nicest way possible, you sound utterly unhinged!! You're reading far to much into this. You yourself will know this, do you have a pretty face? Because even the most beautiful hair in the world does cover up the face somewhat. If you don't and your hair is your only redeeming quality then fair enough, maybe it is a control thing, but if not and he genuinely hasn't shown a single other sign of controlling behaviour then all these comments are by far the most ridiculous thread I've saw in a while Grin
Hi @Forf0cksake and welcome to MN. As this is your first post here you might not know this, but generally the posters on MN don’t like men who tell women what to do.

And they also don’t like men who tell women that their concerns are ridiculous.

I suggest you try harder to read the room.

McLarenette · 23/01/2021 08:20

“ He claims he likes natural women. Said about his ex getting her hair and nails done. Fake lashes etc. So he makes out he prefers my style in general. But I don't know.”

I read through your thread and was kind of minded to be giving him the benefit of the doubt but got to this point and was all nope, nope, nope. The people who thought he was being controlling were right about him.

Men who tell you how much they like ‘natural’ looking women (and by extension dislike women wearing visible make up) always seem to be a problem. Whether they’re trying to stop them looking attractive to other men or have a streak of misogyny or both I don’t know but this is almost certainly not going to stop with comments about how long your hair should be and how you should wear it. I’m sorry, OP.

Pollypudding · 23/01/2021 08:23

I agree with posters who say he is testing out his level of control over you. You have told him several times you like it down. He has made you feel insecure to the extent that you are asking strangers on the internet about your hair.
Please listen to your instincts 🦄

Archersandlemonade · 23/01/2021 09:07

Discreet control going on.

GorvidAl · 23/01/2021 09:13

@Robbybobtail

Is he possibly gay and wants you to look like a boy? He does seem to have some sort of fetish, it’s extremely weird and off putting.
What the fuck. Some of these posts are utterly mental. It’s not automatically a fetish, controlling, weird, red flag, schoolgirl fantasy etc if someone expresses a preference, for god’s sake.

The OP doesn’t like the guy preferring her hair a different way and he’s expressing it tactlessly and thoughtlessly. Talk about jumping to conclusions.

aneres · 23/01/2021 09:15

@Bluntness100

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it.

You madam have a problem on your hands.

So you're saying woman with short hair are less attractive?
2021hastobebetter · 23/01/2021 09:18

My ex -exactly like this too a tee.

For him it started off as "compliments" -I like your hair like that. I like your lipstick. Gosh nice boots etc and then a few months later............
Oh that lipstick doesn't suit you as well as the other one.
You haven't worn those boots since I complimented you.

Then -you haven't worn the lipstick still that I thought really suited you. Followed by little puppy dog look.

It was the most abusive relationship I ever had and it got worse. If I followed him we were 'working together' if I didn't it was to cause him a slight or reclaim my independence. etc

GET out.

FOJN · 23/01/2021 09:23

You have gone into a significant amount of detail about your haircare on this thread and also posted a picture of your hair. Are you seeking reassurance from posters? Did you need to seek this kind of reassurance before you met this man? It is your hair, the opinion of strangers on the internet or the man you are dating should not affect your confidence. The only person who needs to like your hair is you. If he has already undermined your confidence to this extent then why continue to see him.

You highlighted the frequency of his comments about your hair several times now and yet he has not stopped, it's impossible for me to even guess his motives but it's would be a clear signal he either does not listen or respect your boundaries. Both of those would irritate me to the point I'd make the decision to end the relationship.

You have now entered into an unhealthy dynamic of ignoring or responding sarcastically to him because you're annoyed by his behaviour, this will not serve either of you well in the long term. Tell him straight you want him to stop making these comments, if he fails to respect that then you need to decide if you can ignore them, if you can't then do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

DfEisashambles · 23/01/2021 09:24

I don’t think it’s weird at all, I always comment I like my husbands hair a certain way. Jeez lighten up people.

Esspee · 23/01/2021 09:27

What a fuss about nothing. He thinks you suit your hair up or back off your face.
I have friends who are like that. Stick to one hairstyle even though they look even better with another.
You are both entitled to an opinion. Just let him know you get upset he seems to be pressurising you into changing.
I think he sounds lovely. Good luck.

DfEisashambles · 23/01/2021 09:29

Oh and btw my husband offered to cut my hair in lockdown and did a great job!

HikeForward · 23/01/2021 09:37

He claims he likes natural women. Said about his ex getting her hair and nails done. Fake lashes etc. So he makes out he prefers my style in general. But I don't know.

This wouldn’t worry me, as he’s saying he likes you the way you are, in your natural state. My DH also prefers the ‘natural’ look unless we’re going out, apparently make up feels sticky and rubs off on his clothes, and false lashes and nails make him nervous they might fall off 😂

But if he objected to you wearing make up at all then yes that’s a red flag.

If it’s any reassurance, my DH tells me when my hair’s getting a bit wild and overgrown or split ends. He used to tactfully suggest making an appointment for a trim, in lockdown he cuts it for me if I ask. I do the same for him.

Lifeinaonesie · 23/01/2021 09:39

What's his mum's hair like? That's what he wants I bet.

peak2021 · 23/01/2021 09:40

It seems an attempt to be controlling or demanding in a way to me. He should be supportive of your not having your hair cut during the pandemic in any case.

Veryverycalmnow · 23/01/2021 09:43

Your hair is lovely. If I had hair like that I'd wear it down.

VettiyaIruken · 23/01/2021 09:46

You need to address this far more directly. Instead of asking him a question about it, tell him very bluntly!
You are crossing over into obsession territory now. I wear my hair how I like and you need to stop going on about how you want me to wear it. I've heard you. My answer is no. That's the end of it.

Something along those lines.

axile234 · 23/01/2021 09:48

Hair is hair long / short . how you chose to have it is entirely down to you . bottom line is . Sounds like you have the makings of a control freak on your hands. It should really be all about who's under said hair. THE PERSON . What's next 5 grand for tummy tuck and boob job . LOL

thethoughtfox · 23/01/2021 09:55

@Bluntness100

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it.

You madam have a problem on your hands.

^ This. All day. He's deliberately denting your confidence.
ProudAuntie76 · 23/01/2021 09:59

@HikeForward

He claims he likes natural women. Said about his ex getting her hair and nails done. Fake lashes etc. So he makes out he prefers my style in general. But I don't know.

This wouldn’t worry me, as he’s saying he likes you the way you are, in your natural state. My DH also prefers the ‘natural’ look unless we’re going out, apparently make up feels sticky and rubs off on his clothes, and false lashes and nails make him nervous they might fall off 😂

But if he objected to you wearing make up at all then yes that’s a red flag.

If it’s any reassurance, my DH tells me when my hair’s getting a bit wild and overgrown or split ends. He used to tactfully suggest making an appointment for a trim, in lockdown he cuts it for me if I ask. I do the same for him.

There’s no way in hell I’d stick around with a man that had so many issues and opinions about my appearance. I don’t see this as a particularly aspirational set up!
ProfessorInkling · 23/01/2021 10:02

He sounds annoying as fuck. Is he worth listening to this shit?

wendyleen · 23/01/2021 10:10

@HunkyPunk

If he mentions it again, just shrug and say firmly - "Well, this is me. Occasionally I'll wear it up, when I feel like it, but most of the time I don't. I actually prefer my hair down." If he's not happy to leave it at that, I would reconsider your position.
^ this

My XP would say this about clothes I bought. I found it very difficult to wear something once he said that he didn't like. I wasted money on quite a few things that I liked and he didn't.

I was so much happier when I got rid of him. DH would think I look fantastic in a black bin liner and wellies! Grin

HikeForward · 23/01/2021 10:13

There’s no way in hell I’d stick around with a man that had so many issues and opinions about my appearance. I don’t see this as a
particularly aspirational set up!

I’d rather a man liked my ‘natural’ look than preferred me with heavy make up or false nails and eyelashes. I also like my natural look. Unless we’re going out, or to a formal occasion, then we help each other decide on our outfits and hair depending what sort of image we want to present.

ElsieMc · 23/01/2021 10:15

Maybe I am guilty of this too op. I hate my dh shaving his head when he has hair - just why? But he likes it. He also likes mine a bit longer, I have a pixie cut, or had one.... This is because he likes me to look like when we met about 40 years ago. As if.

I don't think he has weird fetishes. He is a bit older and has strong opinions on women's hair etc that are out of date. As an older woman, I cannot tell you how many times when friends separated, their new partners would closely resemble their first wives. I am not saying that is the case here, but he does mention her appearance. Do you know why they split? His comments and growing pushiness about your hair do make me uneasy as what might be next.