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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

496 replies

Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:08

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Melonslice444 · 22/01/2021 23:09

He's mentioned it again tonight. I said I can't wait to get it trimmed (just trimmed) he is straight in there with well why can't you. Shall I send someone to your house. How much shorter would it be? Where would that come up to on you?

Clearly doesn't like it. He said he thought how nice I would look with it shorter too.

Feeling rather grumpy right now and off to bed lol. I think it's time to give it up because he's making me feel self conscious.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 23:10

@Melonslice444

He's mentioned it again tonight. I said I can't wait to get it trimmed (just trimmed) he is straight in there with well why can't you. Shall I send someone to your house. How much shorter would it be? Where would that come up to on you?

Clearly doesn't like it. He said he thought how nice I would look with it shorter too.

Feeling rather grumpy right now and off to bed lol. I think it's time to give it up because he's making me feel self conscious.

Why did you mention it OP?
Honeyroar · 22/01/2021 23:14

Have you told him it’s annoying you how much he goes on about it?

JulieJJ · 22/01/2021 23:15

I'd grown my hair like Rapunzel just to piss him off.

MiladyBerserko · 22/01/2021 23:20

Regardless of whether it's a preference or controlling, it's pass-remarkable bullshit. Tell him clearly that you make you own decisions on how you look.

PrincessNutNuts · 22/01/2021 23:21

Does this man have a good grip of aesthetics generally? Is he well dressed himself etc?

Or does he perhaps have a short hair fetish?

Have you seen any photos of previous partners or ummm, his mother? Confused How long was their hair?

Do you have a trusted friend or two you could ask if they think your hair would look better shorter?

And ask him to be straight with you about why he keeps bringing it up.

Blurpblorp · 22/01/2021 23:21

Trust your gut instinct. Imagine if you just kept commenting on his errr... Toes or clothes... You sow a seed... You make it a 'thing' by repeatedly talking around it (whatever it is). Tell him plainly and firmly that you like wearing your hair down and he needs to understand that. Ugh... I'm thinking of hair as an archetypal symbol of strength... You let those locks flow if you want to!!!!

gypsywater · 22/01/2021 23:24

Why did you mention your hair? If you dont want him talking about it, seems strange to then bring it up as a topic?

Nogardenersworld · 22/01/2021 23:28

DH used to always tell me he liked my hair up and he liked me natural with no or not much makeup. That works for me because I’m lazy.
I wear it up loads and hardly ever put makeup on, so be never mentions it.
But if I start wearing it down a lot and I put ‘loads’ of makeup on, he will compliment me, but then when I take it off he says he likes that much better

We’ve been together 10 years, it’s never ‘developed’

Never occurred to me that he’s controlling and abusive as pp seem to be 100% certain about...

PercyPiginaWig · 22/01/2021 23:30

@Melonslice444

He's mentioned it again tonight. I said I can't wait to get it trimmed (just trimmed) he is straight in there with well why can't you. Shall I send someone to your house. How much shorter would it be? Where would that come up to on you?

Clearly doesn't like it. He said he thought how nice I would look with it shorter too.

Feeling rather grumpy right now and off to bed lol. I think it's time to give it up because he's making me feel self conscious.

WTF why can't you and he will send someone. Hasn't he heard of lockdown?! Though that is not the reason not to cut your hair, the reason is because you do what you want re your own hair.

He does sound controlling, if he can get you to bend on this something else will follow.
I prefer DH clean shaven but that's all it is, he has a beard for now, not up to me.
DH actually prefers me with short hair as it happens, it is currently level with my boobs. If I never cut it again so be it and if he went on about it I would have a word.

NameChange84 · 22/01/2021 23:33

What a weirdo, he’s obsessed.

RandomMess · 22/01/2021 23:37

Makes you wonder what he'll try and get you to change next!

Megan2018 · 22/01/2021 23:38

Get rid of him, fast.
He’s not a keeper.

NovemberR · 22/01/2021 23:44

I would end the relationship now, to be frank.
He thinks you should style yourself to please him. You're not a dress up doll and it's slightly odd and really irritating that he has mentioned this more than once.

Lottapianos · 22/01/2021 23:53

Fine for him to mention your hair once or twice, but he seems to talk about it endlessly. Very weird. And he could 'send someone to your house' to cut your hair??? That's beyond inappropriate, and not just coz of lockdown. Trust your gut on this one OP. I couldn't be doing with it

Robbybobtail · 22/01/2021 23:54

Is he possibly gay and wants you to look like a boy?
He does seem to have some sort of fetish, it’s extremely weird and off putting.

Nearlytherenext · 22/01/2021 23:58

@jaffacakesareevil

Hmm..it's sound like he's checking if you will change your hair to what he likes. I would think carefully, he might then have expectations that you will change other things about yourself, if he says he doesn't like them.
This is what I thought
NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 22/01/2021 23:59

@Wheresmykimchi Why SHOULDN'T she be able to mention her hair? Why should she walk on eggshells about this to avoid hearing this twatbag telling her what to do with her hair? She's not offering an alcoholic a double vodka she should be able to mention her hair in passing without being criticized by a controlling twunt FFS!

tickertyboo · 23/01/2021 00:00

Leave.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/01/2021 00:00

The whole taking control, wanting to send someone to your house, wanting discussion about the length when you had made an off the cuff comment about a trim is freaky. When he has won the hair battle what will he move on to until he has created you in his perfect fantasy image both aesthetically and behaviourally? I hope you really are thinking of leaving, and if you do, be clear about why and don’t let him minimise it, or try to convince you it is about hair because it is not. It is about his obsessive and controlling behaviour and he needs to know it.

Wheresmykimchi · 23/01/2021 00:01

[quote NoOneOwnsTheRainbow]@Wheresmykimchi Why SHOULDN'T she be able to mention her hair? Why should she walk on eggshells about this to avoid hearing this twatbag telling her what to do with her hair? She's not offering an alcoholic a double vodka she should be able to mention her hair in passing without being criticized by a controlling twunt FFS![/quote]
No need to shout or swear at me thanks.

As other PP also said, it is a odd conversation to bring up given the issue. It was a genuine question. Was she testing the water?

Im not condoning his behaviour so don't make out I am.

waxed · 23/01/2021 00:10

He seems obsessed with it for some reason. It's okay for him to have a preference - I know my OH prefers my hair up, because I once asked his opinion when we were going to a wedding on how I should style it and he told me. But he's never mentioned it again.

It's a problem that he's being so persistent and downright weird about it! I would definitely bring it up and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you.

AcornAutumn · 23/01/2021 00:12

@Lottapianos

Fine for him to mention your hair once or twice, but he seems to talk about it endlessly. Very weird. And he could 'send someone to your house' to cut your hair??? That's beyond inappropriate, and not just coz of lockdown. Trust your gut on this one OP. I couldn't be doing with it
Yes, definitely get rid.

I wonder if he is trying to get you look like someone in particular?

Regardless, it's all not right.

toconclude · 23/01/2021 00:16

@Robbybobtail

Is he possibly gay and wants you to look like a boy? He does seem to have some sort of fetish, it’s extremely weird and off putting.
This is in no way homophobic. Oh, wait, yes it is Hmm
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/01/2021 00:27

All seems a bit weird. I'd make it clear that you won't be going short /wearing it up all the time for anyone. You have beautiful hair btw

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