He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

[Melonslice444]

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

Don't bring it up yourself, you'll make it look like you're the one with the obsession not him.

Leave it altogether, if he comments again just say you're happy with how you wear it and would rather he doesn't focus on it so much. If he continues he is ignoring your request and you have more of an issue then.

YoniAndGuy has given you very good advice OP. The hair issue is clearly knocking your confidence to the extent that you've posted about it on this site. The worst thing you can do is let him know that by bringing up the point again. He knows your feelings on the subject: now watch what he does. It will tell you a lot.

You've raised this issue with him and he's already aware this is bothering you. If he genuinely cares for you he will drop it, given he knows it's upsetting to you. If he persists in the knowledge that he's chipping away at your confidence then you might need to reconsider whether this is a relationship worth pursuing.

I agree that the 'schoolgirl fetish' conclusion is a bit of a wild leap. Nonetheless, the kind of partner who behaves as above isn't the best proposition either.

Watch and wait.

Id be staying well away. You've set a boundary about something minor and it keeps happening. Do you want to bat away serious issues that he won't drop.

I don't know him but my gut is that he finds you very attractive and is worried about other men finding you attractive too. I sense jealousy is coming, followed by you trying to appease him or rationalizing it.

Stay alert but watch out because the longer you stay the longer it feels normal or easier to give in on small stuff and it gets hard to get out when your confidence is knocked.

Definitely watch and wait OP...

And be very very wary of the huge age gap.

Some older men love a younger, in their mind, more impressionable, more easily impressed younger woman.

It gives their fragile ego's a buffer....often they can't get a woman their own age....because they see through their controlling behaviour.

He has already exhibited questionable behaviour with his repeated unasked for opinions on your personality and appearance.

That is not normal.

It's rude first off and the fact that he keeps repeating it means he is very persistent in his rudeness.

Be very wary.

Your gut is already stirring with discomfort....please listen.

Older men chasing around after much younger women are ALWAYS suspect in my mind.

I'm in my late 50's, I've seen a lot of this in my day, despite being happily married for nearly 30 years.....

Happily ageist here, in this context.😁
Proceed with caution.

Probaly been said before, but keep your hair down but now and again put it up if he likes it, obviously just when hes with you and take it down again when hes gone, dont think its that big of a deal, he obviously thinks your hiding ur pretty face behind the hair syle and maybe you are?

OP please don't do this! 😬

Hmm. I would definitely find this annoying, but as to whether it's controlling? Wait, observe, then see what you think. It could be. I think your next few interactions with him will tell you what you need to know.

In my experience, where women tend towards low confidence, men often have the opposite: an innate arrogance that comes from the immense privilege of having been born male. They express their opinion because it simply doesn't occur to them that anyone wouldn't want to hear it. This applies even more so if he's white.

Now, before the mumsnet army descend to defend their lovely DHs: this is not ALL men, just like not ALL women have low self-esteem. Some men are far more self-aware, I get that. But the idea of men as superior is still so deeply ingrained that it's not surprising we see so many posts like the OP dealing with this sort of bullshit.

@Melonslice444

Yeah it makes me think does he want me to have it like his ex. She had just below the shoulders hair and has it up in alot of their photos. I hope it isn't something like that though.

I kind of want to show you some pictures and hide my face on here. But I don't want to be recognised

But even if it is something like that, it doesn't mean that he wants to turn you into a clone of his ex...all it means, probably, is that he has a preferred hairstyle on women. Most men do, although many of them are afraid to admit that! It no more means he wants to turn you into his ex than you expressing an opinion (pro or con) about facial hair on men. Just a preference. Don't overthink this.

What does he think you are? A doll?! This would annoy me tbh why does he keep going on about your hair? He's already trying to change you into what HE wants. Weird. What's next?

@billy1966 .. totally agree with you .. 14 year age gap doesn't often work .. didn't for me ... the differences become too much .

@Kokosrieksts

I used to have very long hair and felt very attached to it as being my feminine beauty. My husband kept hinting how I could cut it a bit. I look back at the pictures and my long hair wasn’t that pretty at all, I looked like a wild crazy lady. Just saying.

Thats kind of what i meant but didnt want to say that :)

@YoniAndGuy

You don't bring it up again.

You've made your point.

Now the onus is on him. He will either take that point on board, or he will find a way to bring it up again.

If he does, then quite frankly you should think of finishing things, because it's a clear signal that when you give him an answer which isn't his preferred one, he's going to push things.

You don't want that when it comes to communication.
You don't want that when it comes to money.
You don't want that when it comes to sex.

A pushy or wheedling bloke, a manipulator, a persuader - you dump them.

But you wait and see what they do so that you can find out honestly if that's how they are.

Agree with this.

The op hair is fabulous.

It's also very striking. Strangers will notice it. Nothing wrong with that at all. But the man's commenting for me, hints at insecurity. I may be wrong. Obviously I don't know this person.

It's all a bit negging isn't it.

To those who've said "he wants you to look unattractive to other men" because he said he'll prefer the hair short or up, do you realise what you are inadvertently saying is that you think short hair/non-loose flowy hair on women=unattractive. Check your own prejudice!

@Melonslice444 I think he's showing a controlling side which seem neutral/complimentary now but may escalate. The point is that he met and knows you with your hair the way it is, yet he's constantly trying to change it to something he prefers. If he wants someone with shorter hair, he should find someone with shorter hair or someone who wears their hair up often. If you want to cut your hair or wear it up, you should do so because you like it.

It's one thing to do it once for him it's another thing to change what/who you are because he likes something different.

Don't be surprised if you continue to stay with him and he tells you more things he would like you to change about yourself to please him.

My ex was obsessed with my hair and I think he preferred it down. But he didn't keep on about it.

I would be straight with him. What is his problem? Why does it think it is okay to keep on about you having your hair up?

Why have some people just got to say something all the time?!

my dh will never tell me when I ask him if he prefers my hair short or long, just whatever makes me happy 🙄 not much help when I'm trying to decide what to do with it

I'm with @YoniAndGuy and all of that advice - don't bring it up again. If he does mention it again (he will take a different angle now) brush him off and tell him you wear it down because that's how you like it. Don't give him negotiable language such as "it made me feel uncomfortable " - if he's coercive, he will thrive on that. Just brush him off and do as you please. Don't let him sweet talk you into acquiescence.

I also agree with @An0n0n0n - I wonder if he's insecure and doesn't want other men to notice you. Your hair in the photo is stunning. People no doubt stare at you. Perhaps he is trying to control your effect on others. Not healthy if so and could get worse.

@Chgl92

First off, OP, you have beautiful hair, never let anyone make you feel like you have to change it.

This could be preference, but the lengths he goes through to demonstrate that preference to you are strange.

To me, it feels a bit Victorian Puritanical (maybe I've read the scene in Jane Eyre where the headmaster has Helen Burn's red hair cut off too many times). A lot of people do seem to associate long or loose hair with sexuality and loose morals, or being out of control. My sister has curly hair, and she used to work for a woman who couldn't even look at her unless it was straightened.

I have thick waist-length blonde hair, and
people do look at you if you have hair that might be out of the ordinary - unconsciously, mostly, but people often want to talk to you about it, and I frequently get bizarre comments (including once that women with long hair get assaulted more often because attackers have something to grab - completely uncalled for, dubious remark from a near stranger!). I have dated men and had a couple of male friends who react to it strangely - sometimes because they're not used to being looked at in public, and sometimes because they have all kinds of sub-conscious associations with it.

I'd keep an eye on it - any corroborating behaviours should be taken very seriously.

Crumbs. I can’t imagine someone not being able to look at another woman unless her hair was straightened. What did the boss do when she met someone with afro hair? What did your sister do?

@Melonslice444

Yeah it makes me think does he want me to have it like his ex. She had just below the shoulders hair and has it up in alot of their photos. I hope it isn't something like that though.

I kind of want to show you some pictures and hide my face on here. But I don't want to be recognised

I had an ex that always seemed keen for me to be thinner ( I was a size 8!) excessively healthy diet, excessive exercise, etc. I saw a picture of his marathon running very thin ex and the light bulb went on. Looking back now I can see all the little ways he tried to control and mould me. Never again, and my daughter is the same, as soon as a boyfriend tries to control her or tell her what to do that is him gone.

All of this is red flags - he wants to control you OP.

To those who've said "he wants you to look unattractive to other men" because he said he'll prefer the hair short or up, do you realise what you are inadvertently saying is that you think short hair/non-loose flowy hair on women=unattractive. Check your own prejudice!

@CheckYourMalePrivilege Not necessarily. What we're saying is that conventionally, long hair is seen as being more attractive, so him trying to make OP less conventionally attractive might be an attempt to stop her getting as much male attention.

Not a judgement of ours as to which hair length is better, but mainstream society's.

*malestream

Controlling.. maybe not yet but it’ll develop over time.

I’d either come up with something equally annoying every time he mentions it, like “yeah I know times are hard with lockdown, I wonder when you’ll be able to get a decent haircut” or something much more offensive but I’ll get torn apart on here.. or just simply be the better person and give him a wave goodbye, but that’s not half as entertaining

Is it because it gets in the way during sex? Everyone I’ve dated prefers it up but doesn’t keep going on about it and it doesn’t change how I choose to style my hair that day. Virtually everyone I know wears their hair down most of the time unless in the gym. Any guys I know who are dating much younger ladies are always fixated on that. Could he be trying to make you look even younger by asking you to tie your hair up?

"The worst thing you can do is let him know that by bringing up the point again"

Remeber everyone, open communication in a relationship is taboos!

Hide your emotions, let things fester untill they fail, otherwise people may have to face the fact that thier divorce had a reason

@lunalulu

Ok so you said he's an older man.

And he's said several times he's like your hair in a pony tail. And pulled back from your face.

Erm ... schoolgirl fetish?!!! 😯🤔

Thats pigtails isn't it?

Pony tail is dominatrix

@ImBoredAgain

Controlling.. maybe not yet but it’ll develop over time.

I’d either come up with something equally annoying every time he mentions it, like “yeah I know times are hard with lockdown, I wonder when you’ll be able to get a decent haircut” or something much more offensive but I’ll get torn apart on here.. or just simply be the better person and give him a wave goodbye, but that’s not half as entertaining

All i can say is lol that tickled me!