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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give my niece money for uni

255 replies

Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 08:24

when I may not be able to for other niblings?

My niece is due for uni soon, she is a bright and intelligent girl and wants to go to uni but currently is refusing to due to the level of debt she will accrue at the end. I believe, based on her academic record that she would do well there.

We currently have the means to give her some money towards uni, equating to roughly half. I would like to discuss this with my sister (DNs mum) however my only concern is I may be unable to offer the same support to my other nieces and nephews - I currently have niece, 1 nephew (3) and 1 nibling on the way but have lots of younger siblings who are not yet having families but likely will in the future.

I also have 2 children of my own, whose uni funds are already accounted for.

The amount I have available for niece would make a big difference to her, however split between my siblings (e.g. I divided between 5 for them to use for their kids) would be very small, almost worthless.

WWYD?

AIBU to offer the help whilst I can? Knowing it is unlikely to be possible for the others?

OP posts:
cripez · 12/01/2021 13:46

How would you feel if she dropped out halfway through? Genuine question.

Sonders · 12/01/2021 13:54

I voted YABU, although I think it would be a lovely gesture and very kind - I'd worry too much about the consequences and hurt feelings years in the future from your family.

One option that I couldn't see mentioned in this thread (sorry if I missed it) could be to purchase a house where your niece could live during their studies, and perhaps not pay rent. They get the benefit of your capital support, and it takes away the day-to-day money worries.

Once they graduate, you can either sell the house, and divide the money between the family, keep it on as an investment, or save it for a future family member in the same city

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 12/01/2021 13:54

Nice to do but others may be resentful if you can't do the same and if someone offered my eldest ds money but wouldn't be able to do same for younger one I would say no or ask them to split money to pay a little bit of each .

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 12/01/2021 13:57

Also student debt isn't the same as other debt really , I know plenty who have never paid much back as not earned enough after.
To be fair wouldn't it be better to offer each neice/ nephew a set sum of your that well off , to use for uni or first house deposit as going to university isn't the only important thing in life or the only way to be successful

SpudsandGravy · 12/01/2021 13:58

FWIW, I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's sure to lead to resentment in the future from the others who haven't had the same kind of financial support, as well as possibly from your own children.

Also - and I know that not everybody sees it this way: I do in part because I had to fund myself and then pay it back many years ago in order to make a career choice - if your niece is really keen to do the course then she'll be willing to take on the loans, as most other students need to do. If not then quite possibly she doesn't need to do a degree to get to where she wants to be.

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 13:59

If she doesn't want to go to university I have no problem with this, though it is my experience that people with degrees are financially better off than those without (not that this is the only measure of 'success' etc) and from those I know in the areas DN is looking to go to, a degree is the favoured route - DH has years of experience in software, but had a teaching qualification, alongside other IT related qualifications but for him to move full time in to IT he went back to uni as he was hitting a brick wall and following interviews the advice was always "get a relevant degree". Now he is the employer and they definitely favour degree candidates over other routes, and this has been the case in all the places he has worked, one wouldn't interview non-degree candidates (not DHs decision).

I don't know if the world of work is moving away from degrees, I am not in a field where that would be possible (though you could argue that a medical degree is just a fancy sounding apprenticeship!).

I'll have another chat with DN. I don't think my sister is anti-uni, but does see it as a lot of money and I don't think she understands the pay offs, but her 'circle' consists of mainly people who did not go to uni, or went and did 'any' degree with no clear focus. She has been honest with my niece that support that could be offered would be very very limited (limited to a room to live in during the holidays and some supplies for Christmas I think). My sister would like to offer more but her partners family business is struggling due to COVID and she currently signed off sick from her carers job due to complications with her pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 14:01

@cripez

How would you feel if she dropped out halfway through? Genuine question.
The money is given freely. If she finds uni is not for her, then that is that.
OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 12/01/2021 14:01

@thegcatsmother

Urare I don't think student loans should be written off; the burden is then put on the taxpayer.
You mean the way it was done when education was actually free.

And those who got the free education, (talking of the ones in parliament particularly) did absolutely nothing for those university funding taxpayers who were not fortunate to entertain the idea of obtaining a degree (like my parents generations).

I'm personally happy to underwrite the future, and I'm not going to be harsher on the next gen. But understand others' misgivings.

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 14:02

@Sonders

I voted YABU, although I think it would be a lovely gesture and very kind - I'd worry too much about the consequences and hurt feelings years in the future from your family.

One option that I couldn't see mentioned in this thread (sorry if I missed it) could be to purchase a house where your niece could live during their studies, and perhaps not pay rent. They get the benefit of your capital support, and it takes away the day-to-day money worries.

Once they graduate, you can either sell the house, and divide the money between the family, keep it on as an investment, or save it for a future family member in the same city

We don't want to be landlords (have considered it previously). And the amount of money I'm talking about would be insufficient for a house deposit on a BTL.
OP posts:
donewithitalltodayandxmas · 12/01/2021 14:02

Obviously you can give the money just don't be surprised if there is resentment down the line , when maybe you can't help another family member or because you have given one money for uni , one comes asking for help towards a house as they fine themselves homeless as no one know what could happen.

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 14:04

And yes, I funded my own way through uni. But fees were much lower then so the student debt much lower at the end. I did find myself at a disadvantage to my peers, I did not enjoy uni or the uni experience because of how much I had to focus on the finances.

OP posts:
donewithitalltodayandxmas · 12/01/2021 14:06

I think you will fine that most uni students have to focus on finance nowadays , many go from all sorts of backgrounds which hasn't always been the case even when fees were cheaper and its more normal now among people.
When I was young people like me didn't go to university , but seems a little more diverse now .

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 14:06

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Also student debt isn't the same as other debt really , I know plenty who have never paid much back as not earned enough after. To be fair wouldn't it be better to offer each neice/ nephew a set sum of your that well off , to use for uni or first house deposit as going to university isn't the only important thing in life or the only way to be successful
I'm not "that well off". I have some money available currently which is is not set aside for other things. If it was split between the 3 niblings it would not constitute a house deposit or anywhere near.
OP posts:
Rummikub · 12/01/2021 14:07

I think you should offer it. Will niece’s job prospects improve massively by going to uni?
No one can predict the future but right now you have the means to support your niece - I would do it.
It would be hard to watch her make different life choices due to her Lack of finances. Especially based on children who don’t even exist yet.
I work in education and see financial constraints impacting student choices.

jamesfailedmarshmallows · 12/01/2021 14:07

Haven't RTFT, but initially I was thinking she is being unreasonable not to want to take the loan, as it isn't debt per se, but you mentioned Muslims so I'm assuming dn is a muslim and doesn't want to take on an interest based loan? Regardless, its very nice of you to step in OP but will likely cause so much resentment from your other nieces/nephews. How can you justify partially helping one and none of the others?

2bazookas · 12/01/2021 14:09

@Alexandernevermind

Just an add on to say that reluctance to take on debt isn't a declaration of lack of commitment. University is still seen by many as a rich man's game, unaffordable to most.
NOT by anyone who has done their homework on student funding.

Which is the most basic requirement and evidence of the necessary academic ability.

MargosKaftan · 12/01/2021 14:12

I know a woman in her 40s who was very academic as a child. Straight As at GCSE and A level, went to uni to read law, got a 1st. Snapped up by top law firm. Did ever so well. Her family found her decision to be a SAHM after having her dcs insane. A waste.

She'd just said what they wanted to hear about her career choices and followed the path laid out for her without really stopping think what she wanted to do with her life. She's very happy now and probably would have spent her 20s and early 30s happier if she hadn't been set on a path by well meaning family.

If your DN really wanted to go to uni and follow the same career path as your dh, she would easily be able to look at the wage sums involved and see the debt is worth it. The fact she is saying it isn't, suggests as much as she's being polite to you and your DH, she might not be planning on following that path. Dont force her into what you think is the right choice.

If she's year 13, having had her exams cancelled already after being messed about last year, she might just have had enough of education for a while and want to experience something else.

Mouldiwarp1 · 12/01/2021 14:15

I’d suggest she takes the tuition loan op and help her with the living expenses side. You’re obviously very fond of her. Maybe it’s not entirely fair to any future nephews or nieces, but there is a huge age difference. It may be that if she goes to uni now, she will be in a position to help her younger sibling in the future if he too decides to go to uni.

VinylDetective · 12/01/2021 14:17

@thegcatsmother

Urare I don't think student loans should be written off; the burden is then put on the taxpayer.
They’re not written off for 30 years - do we want pensioners paying off student debt?
FreakinFrankNFurter · 12/01/2021 14:18

What a lovely Auntie you are Flowers

As there is such a huge age difference between her and your other nieces/nephews then I would pay some of her fees for her.

If in 15/20 years time when the others go to uni and you had the spare money then I’m sure you would help them out too. It seems daft not to help someone out on the basis of what may or may not be in 15/20 years

MargosKaftan · 12/01/2021 14:19

On and OP, if you and your DH both did degrees with a focus, the idea that you should know your career plan at 17/18 might feel normal to you. Most people I know who did well had no clue at 18, and just started to think about what they wanted to do with their lives properly at 21.

It really won't matter if she takes a year or 2 out to work before going to uni.

If she can see the debt vs the wage potential for the industry she's saying she wants to get into, and is still saying she doesn't think its worth it, its clear whatever she says to you, she's not planning on being in that career in 20 years time. She can see it being a waste.

Listen to what she's saying carefully.

yvanka · 12/01/2021 14:25

I wouldn't, your future nieces/nephews will resent you giving her this help and not them.

If she doesn't want to go to university because she doesn't understand the loan system, send her a few links to educate herself but ultimately it's up to her.

Original poster
Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 14:30

MargosKaftan DH has had 2 careers, so I definitely understand now knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life at 18.

I have no issue if she doesn't want to go to uni, or if she wants to travel, take a gap year or find partner and settle down immediately. There are lots valid life choices which make different people happy. it just seems, from knowing DN and having spoken with her regularly in general, that financial concerns are really putting her off uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almostslimjim · 12/01/2021 14:31

And DHs first degree was NOT focused!

OP posts:
NewtoSecondaryWorld · 12/01/2021 14:40

Hello! I'd like to offer a different perspective. My aunt paid for my university fees and that completely changed my life. I was then able to get a very well paid job, repaid her some of it (though she refused the whole amount), I could help a younger sibling with their uni costs - and that sibling in turned got a good job and helped paid uni for youngest, and I could help my parents financially. My aunt's generosity had a transformative effect : )