ex ptr yells me out - should he just bugger off or am i wrong to 'borrow' change??

[persephonesnape]

my 12 year old dd has a key to my exes house and lets herself in after school. i work full time, ex is on incapacity benefit.

he has been on holiday with his gf for a week (italy...)and I've been dropping by to collect my daughter and make sure house is ok, feed cats etc, they got back this morning.

he phones me at half nine this morning to yell me out because we took some change from the HUGE shoe box of change in their living room for some bread/milk for my daughter while she was in the house after school (they'd left the fridge completely empty and the house looked like a bombsite. she was told to not switch on TV or computer and tv and the heating was off..) and tickets for the boys (ds1 & 2) halloween party. I left a note saying I'd taken some change and would pay it back when i get my child benefit (tuesday) i am absolutely broke this month - car failed its MOT and i don't get maintenance from him)

apparently the shoe box full of change is his gfs dead husbands change box. he died about a year ago, she stayed in the house she inherited from his estate and my ex moved in with her. she's upset because i borrowed £6 from the change box ( there is hardly a dent in the box - you wouldn't notice if you didn't know type thing)

he was also yelling because my daughter left the oven on yesterday. she was told not to use it, but was hungry and cold after walking home so warmed up a baguette. I didn't check it when i was making sure everything as ok and cats were fed yesterday as i didn't know it was on.

I don't think I'm unreasonable. neither is my dd. he's being a shit for yelling me out when we've gone out of our way to feed the poxy cats and make sure house is ok while they swan off on holiday.

I'm so angry and upset that I've been crying (that very seldom happens) should i have not got boys the tickets for their halloween party? or should i have just not taken the change or not been honest about taking it ( they probably wouldn't have noticed..)or is he just a shit and they can make different arrangements to feed the kitties next time?

and yet you still dont say you are wrong for judging him because he is on incapacity. i am angry because you judged him on that one thing, many other people also receive incapacity so if you judge one on that you judge them all. you dont need to have a go about one specific person if you judge an entire group then each specific person is judged. i would assume if i was angry about something you did not mean you would say you didnt mean it.

yes i am a name in a chatroom to you, as you are to me. thankfully my friend does not come on here, to her you would be a faceless person who is out there somewhere hating her. that is real life for her. there are almost certainly other people out there who feel like she does, many may have read your posts. you obviously couldnt care less about those peoples real lives. i am sorry for your sister, i wouldnt wish that on anyone.

reading all the posts initially Kim asked how can he afford a holiday in Italy a very valid question, Italy is expensive its not Butlins or a cheapy package holiday, it is one of the most expensive places in Europe to go to (from experience).

I dont see her judging EVERYONE who is on incapacity benefit pixie you are the one jumping on the bandwagon saying you are being offensive and judgemental to all people on incapacity benefit whilst not recognisinsg that actually there are people who defraud the system, and that maybe the OP ex should have made some provision for his daughter whilst he was away, the fact he should have done this has nothing what so ever to do with him being on benefits.

Saying he is a twat means just that, he is a twat regardless, the fact that he is on incapacity benefit is incidental, would he be any less of a twat for not providing for his daughter if he went on holiday and he was working no, its interesting though that the OP who is working full time and bringing up children is struggling for money to buy the basic essentials bread, milk and put petrol in her car while ex goes off on holiday to Italy, a luxury not a basic need!! Any decent person would have put their children first, if you cant recognise that fact then you really are very blinkered and biggoted.

You are the one who has made this into being about people judging people on incapacity benefit and by default your friend, when in reality nobody else but you is personalising it.

Persephonesnape glad you are putting it behind you and hope you get your mums books back I would make a point of asking her for them, it may make her ashamed of her appalling behaviour

Ok.

His incapacity is largely self inflicted. I don?t feel it is my place to judge him on this and the incapacity has had a devastating effect on his mum and dad, myself and the rest of the family. We all suffer because of it.

His gf comes from a fairly well off family and has a very well paid job. She is supporting my ex with holidays, etc and he claims state benefits as well. I do not think that all people on state benefits are work shy or malingerers. Some are though and to some it is a life style choice.

Dd was very upset about leaving on the oven and her and ex have patched it up now.

For me, this is the most recent event in going out of my way to be polite, friendly, help out (I helped them move house fgs! I?ve let them sleep in my house and been accommodating when she?s then said, ?oh I?m borrowing ?x-thing?? so that I feel it would be impolite to go, no actually you?re not? ) and be as accommodating as possible in order to have a civil environment for my children. I very rarely get any thanks. I?ll still be polite, although it will be through gritted teeth from now on but I?ll always have an excuse to avoid doing any favours in future.

As for the £6 being the gfs. (or more correctly the gfs dead husbands..) How the hell am I meant to know that? If I thought it was a big thing or that I was doing something so terribly wrong I either wouldn?t have done it and the boys wouldn?t be going to their Halloween party tonight, or I wouldn?t have left them a note saying that I?d done it. I?ve been honest and gone out of my way and they either take me for granted or are laughing at how stupid I am.

Take the bleeding shoe box and crap on his sofa next time

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ok, fine. i am probably oversensitive because i have spent the last 6 months telling my friend that she should spend her incapacity benefit rather than saving it cos she thinks she will be made to pay it back. we have also been trying to persuade her that paying for a holiday with this money is perfectly alright. and i know that if she saw this thread she would be devastated. so i am seeing it through her eyes.

so, this man who we know nothing about should not be allowed to go on a holiday paid for by his girlfriend. he should not get hand outs from tax payers, he should get off his arse and get a job (not my words, read the thread).

however this does not mean that any other particular individual we know nothing about has no right to spend their hand outs from tax payers on holidays. nor do we think that they should be made to get off their arse and get a job. obviously it is clear to everyone except me. whatever.

and of course the fact that he sees his dd every day after school thus providing the op with free childcare is not relevant in any way, he is a shit dad. fine.

i realise the point of the thread is not whether or not he is entitled to incapacity. if you read my post i have not agreed with what he did, but i still dont think its ok to take money without asking. however there are some very harsh comments on here about the fact that he gets incapacity. imo this should not have been brought into it at all. one of these comments is that he should get off his arse and get a job. i wanted to point out that these comments were out of order, and that to some people they could be very upsetting. we dont know how many people have read this thread, not all of them will post. i honestly thought if i pointed out that the comments were out of order people might just realise that they were making assumptions based on the fact he gets benefits and they would make it clear this wasnt the case, that they were referring to his behaviour, not just his social circumstances. they will not do that, its far easier to tell me im wrong because i was really angry when i posted first time.

as i said i tried to ignore the thread but it still pops up in threads im on and kimi started on about it on a totally unrelated thread. when someone starts laughing at the upset they have caused i cannot find that funny. but as she thinks she is so much cleverer than me then i dont think i will change her mind.

thats it.

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but the point of incapacity is thats its for people who are incapacitated! you dont just sign a form and they give it to anyone and everyone. if you have lost a leg maybe you wouldnt be offended that people think you are lazy and sould get a job, but there are plenty of people get incapacity for mental health issues and dont need to hear that. who knows how many are reading this? i dont understand why people dont think this point of view is offensive. there is outrage if people suggest single mothers should get jobs to pay for their children, why is it ok to say people are lazy because they are unable to work for another reason? if he couldnt be bothered to get a job and was sitting at home perfectly ok but just lazy i would understand why people think they can say judge him like this

i am not pretending i know enough about his finances to say whether or not he should pay maintenance. in an ideal world yes he should. but it doesnt make him an awful dad if he cant. as i have just said, single mothers on benefits dont contribute financially towards their kids, no one would dare say on here thats not ok. i was pointing out that he isnt a terrible father because he doesnt pay maintenance. some do not do as much as he does.

and before i am lynched for saying nasty things about single mothers i dont think that, i have been there myself. i just see it as a similar situation to compare this to

free childcare?!?

i paid childcare out of my wages for my three children while they were at primary school. its taken up tens of thousands of pounds of my wages over the years . i paid it when my ex lived thirty miles away from us as he then physically couldn't provide his 'free childcare' on a daily basis. my two boys are still at primary and i still pay childcare for them - he doesn't see them everyday after school. i still pay for them to be looked after. There is no childcare for secondary school children in my area. bearing in mind that he is on incapacity benefit, do you not think he might actually be 'incapable' of fully caring for his own flesh and blood for an hour or so a day?

hopefully) single mothers on benefits contribute by bringing up their child the best they can under very difficult circumstances. I dislike people implying that single parents who are SAHM are somehow less worthy or deserving of being able to do that than a woman who is living with a partner who provides for the family.

oh fgs, i was saying he sees your dd every day after school. to me this means he is not entirely evil and uncaring. or maybe you think he is and evil uncaring people do see their kids everyday? my git of an ex doesnt unless he can cause trouble, he is no feckin use at all, at least you get something useful from your ex. as i said i was a single mum on benefits, i am not implying they are less worthy, i am saying they are not contributing financially which they are not. my point is that they are just as worthy, financial support is not the only important thing in life. i am also not saying you are any less worthy because you work. is there anything i can say that people will not taking offence at?

you had a row, lots of people said you were in the right, some people said you werent. i dont give a flying &^( about your row, i am offended by the comments about him being a shit excuse for a human being because he is on incapacity. if you want to slag him off feel free, he is your ex and you know him. we dont. but i still think that slagging him off because* he is on incapacity is wrong, rather than slagging him off for overreacting which is all i can see he did.

Pixie its interesting you say 'i have spent the last 6 months telling my friend that she should spend her incapacity benefit rather than saving it' can you not see the irony of that statement? you friend on incapacity can save her benefit money and you are slating a single hard working mum who borrowed money with the full intention of paying it back, to buy essentials for her children

but she is living a horrible existance because she wont spend anything. if she spent it she would have some quality of life. she cant leave the house, is that ok because she hasnt worked for it?

and im not slating the op at all, i am angry with the other posters who expressed offensive (imo) opinions. i wouldnt have done it but i dont thin kits the crime of the century, just a bit misjudged. at no point have i slated the op

and he is not a shit human being for being on incapacity benefit he is a shit human being for his lack of provision for his child, for having the audacity to shout at the mother of his child for borrowing money for essential items for his child while he was away no doubt spending more than the borrowed £6 on cappuchinos the incapacity benefit is irrelevant!!!!!!!!!

'i was saying he sees your dd every day after school'. it certainly doesn't mean 'free childcare though. for someone who appears to be so sensitive to the written word i would have thought you could choose your words a little more carefully.

shall i go through and find all the comments i found offensive and list them? would that save confusion?

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the op doesnt exactly sound like she is having a bundle of fun, out working all day and still scrimping for essentials

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whatever.

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a debate i will take part in. a witch hunt i will not. you either havent read my posts or have taken them the wrong way. now people are twisting what i say and i really cant be bothered to defend myself when i havent done what i am being accused of. there were some judgemental comments i found offensive, i pointed this out. the posters involved did not retract them. my first post was deleted because i said these posters were what they were calling the ops ex. they can but i cant? my points have now all been lost, mainly because i didnt agree with the op i suspect, although at no point did i slag her off, i have no argument with her. its not the first time its happened on here and it wont be the last. i am not being ridiculous, i was pointing out that lots of people read threads who do not post and the comments i found offensive could easily hurt vulnerable people. i thought if i said this the posters would clear up what they were saying, but apparently they actually meant it the way i thought and the fact that this could be read by anyone didnt bother them. if you are fine with that thats the sort of person you are. im just glad im not like you. you are probably glad youre not like me. so whatever and back at you

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