ex ptr yells me out - should he just bugger off or am i wrong to 'borrow' change??

[persephonesnape]

my 12 year old dd has a key to my exes house and lets herself in after school. i work full time, ex is on incapacity benefit.

he has been on holiday with his gf for a week (italy...)and I've been dropping by to collect my daughter and make sure house is ok, feed cats etc, they got back this morning.

he phones me at half nine this morning to yell me out because we took some change from the HUGE shoe box of change in their living room for some bread/milk for my daughter while she was in the house after school (they'd left the fridge completely empty and the house looked like a bombsite. she was told to not switch on TV or computer and tv and the heating was off..) and tickets for the boys (ds1 & 2) halloween party. I left a note saying I'd taken some change and would pay it back when i get my child benefit (tuesday) i am absolutely broke this month - car failed its MOT and i don't get maintenance from him)

apparently the shoe box full of change is his gfs dead husbands change box. he died about a year ago, she stayed in the house she inherited from his estate and my ex moved in with her. she's upset because i borrowed £6 from the change box ( there is hardly a dent in the box - you wouldn't notice if you didn't know type thing)

he was also yelling because my daughter left the oven on yesterday. she was told not to use it, but was hungry and cold after walking home so warmed up a baguette. I didn't check it when i was making sure everything as ok and cats were fed yesterday as i didn't know it was on.

I don't think I'm unreasonable. neither is my dd. he's being a shit for yelling me out when we've gone out of our way to feed the poxy cats and make sure house is ok while they swan off on holiday.

I'm so angry and upset that I've been crying (that very seldom happens) should i have not got boys the tickets for their halloween party? or should i have just not taken the change or not been honest about taking it ( they probably wouldn't have noticed..)or is he just a shit and they can make different arrangements to feed the kitties next time?

what a complete knobhead!

ring a cattery and get a price for however long his holiday was, half it add two thirds of the cost of the school pictures and half the cost of your ds's school party take off the £6 and send the twat the bill

my il's pay £6 a day for someone to go and feed their cat while they are away.

Tell them you will not be doing anything to help them again, or dont say a thing and next time they go away put prawns in curtain hems, or other hard to find places, cress seeds on all the carpets water well and turn heating up and put on permanent lovely frass like carpets when they come home, turn on tv, computer, radio, washing machine, fan heaters etc turn off fridge and freezer ring speaking clock in far flung place

what everyone else said.

He sounds like a complete and utter prick. Next time, let his cats starve and leave him to come home to a cold, messy, empty old house, I say!

'what he should NOT be doing is spending it on a holiday'
'NOT a lifestyle choice as many seem to think it is'.
my friend has not made a lifestyle choice to have a panic attack at the thought of getting on a bus. she agonises over whether or not she can take a taxi to her doctors appointment because she has a panic attack at the thought of walking through town, but worries that people will judge her for spending benefit money on a taxi. her nurse has been telling her to take a holiday as getting away from her usual problems might just help her get more than 20 minutes sleep a night. but you are right. these people are scrounging off us respectable tax paying people and ought to be publicly flogged rather than use the money to do stuff.

yes he should be supporting his children, but that isnt the argument, the argument is should she have taken the money when it doesnt belong to her.

there is no need to be so offensive about people who may genuinely struggle to get through life. im not going to check back, your attitude makes me feel physically sick and nothing i say will change your mind. i would like to swear at you some more but i dont want this one deleting. but the 1st two thirds of your last sentence confirm that you are more of a bigot than i originally thought

Oh FGS, what sort of man begrudges the mother of his child borrowing £6? A very stingy one with his priorities all mixed up, that's who.

peskipixie, it sounds like life is extremely difficult for your friend.

But no-one on this thread has criticised her.

Persephone's ex-DP sounds extremely unreasonable and selfish.

Don't you think that it is unfair that he doesn't support his children; that he leaves his home in a mess whilst he is away; he doesn't allow his child to have the heating or TV on, and leaves the fridge empty?

Just because other posters are angered by his behaviour does not mean that they are therefore criticising your friend by association.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a 12 yo to wash up after herself or to turn off the oven when she had used it, she could have burned the house down. It sounds as though she is not responsible to be left alone in a house for any length of time to me. Are you sure that the gf knew that she would be there for an hour a day after school, it sounds like she was only expecting her to pop in and feed the cats.

To play devils advocate, I would not be happy to come home and find my partners ex had been poking around in my house while I was away, commenting on what was in the fridge and the general mess and helping herself from my change box.

That being said your exh shouting at you is well out of order. I imagine that that is why he is your ex. You can laugh at the gf who now has to live with the swine.

its not the fact that others think his behaviour is wrong its the fact he is being judged because he is on incapacity benefit. they are therefore criticising my friend by association. no one on here knows why he gets it, the OP might, she might not. but there are a couple of posts directly relating to incapacity benefit and not his behaviour. if my friend saw this she would be extremely upset, who knows how many other people have been upset by the attitude these posters have? not everyone who reads a therad posts.

i dont see how it is any different not paying child support because you are on incapapcity - and therefore incapacitated which means unable to work - or claiming benefits because you are a single mother. either way you are not paying for your chidren. i agree he should support them if he is able to, but not everyone is in that situation.

and i think it is perfectly reasonable to leave your own home in whatever state you please when you go away. its doesnt mean you expect other people to contribute to the mess.

"and i think it is perfectly reasonable to leave your own home in whatever state you please when you go away".

I don't.

Not if a child is going to be spending time there.

Incapacity benefit or not - he should be supporting his children - if he has enough cash to swan off to Italy then there is enough to support his children - and certainly enough to not mind a measly £6 going from a cash box.

Peskipixie, if he is able to afford a foreign holiday, he can afford to pay something towards his children's keep.

I'm not judging him because he is on incapacity benefit, I am judging him because he is not paying maintenance for his children when he obviously is in a position to be able to do so.

Sorry about your friend, it must be awful for her.

I was on incapactity benefit for a year and a half, and I'm not taken what has been said to heart.

He needs to be supporting your dd, can "they" take payments from the benefit, as he is living with someone else?

I know if you are registered disabled that you are not obliged to pay any maintenance not even the £5 per week from you benefits. This was certainly true 10 years ago. My exdh exwife (if you're still with me) owned 2 horses (supported by her husband) and still was completely exempt - she didn't even bother sending her birthday and christmas gifts, it's a mockery of those who are disabled or receive higher rate incapacity and have virtually nothing to live on whether others have so much.

yes i do know why he is on incapacity benefit - it's not something that i wish to share at this moment.

yes his gf did know that my daughter would be spending some time there and i spent some time there myself on wednesday, with the children which i cleared with the ex prior to the event. (due to dd having an evening thing
and me not even having the petrol money to go back to my house, then back to drop her off then pick her up again later.)

I work full time and am unable to pick her up from school every night. she is generally in the house with the ex and would go to the library if she were unhappy about being in his house alone. She is left in my house occasionally and has managed to not burn it down, and i certainly would not leave her in the house on her own if i were not confident that she were capable - after all, i am her mother. i know her well enough to determine whether she is capable of being in the house on her own for a couple of hours. I'm sure we've all gone out and left the oven on on occasion - and we're grown ups.

and she left a cup and a plate unwashed. one cup. one plate. i specifically asked the ex because i had washed up on thursday when i popped in ( i went and bought washing up liquid as there was none.) and he apologised for that bit of the message.

we seem to be putting it behind us. i haven't spoken to his gf about it yet - i get the impression that she isn't talking to me and is still furious. I've reached the conclusion that i couldn't care less. she's borrowed several books from me that i haven't had returned, including my late mothers cookery books. I have to get on with my ex because he's the father of my children and it makes it all terribly civilised if we can get on ok. but i don't have to get on with her. I'll get the bank to change £6 into 20ps on tuesday and get dd to put it in the change box.

I think being the bigger person in this is the only way forward, yes you need to get on with your ex, he probably knows he is in the wrong and is too small to admit it. Perhaps they will have the courtesy of thanking your dd for minding the cats next time they see her (I hope so anyway)

sorry if im repeating anything but call a couple of cateries/pet sitters and get them to send you quotes then ask him for that amount tell him he can knock six quid off for feeding his daughter and call csa whilst you on phone as even on the benefits he should be contributing to your children im he has asked you to return this cash cause he should be giving you a similar amount a week for his dd anyhow

Pixie, I am not a bigot, swear at me all you like I don't mind although finding grown up words and debating things in a grown up way is a better route.

I do not know your friend, I do not care if she is on benefits, I do not care if she spends her money on taxi's Taking a taxi to a Dr appointment is not sodding off to Italy leaving nothing for your child to eat when you know bloody well your child is going to be in your home.My mother takes taxi's everywhere she goes,(she suffered panic attacks for years, although thankfully is better now, however while she was unwell the thought of getting on a bus horrified her so globe trotting on holiday was a big no no but like I said she is ok now (thank god) and off to the Dominican republic next January), what I am saying is if a man on benefits has the money to go on holiday then he has the money to support his children and should not behave like a child because the mother of his child needed to borrow £6.00.
FFS £6.00 I spend that on coffee in a day, its not as if she sold his T.V to feed a crack habit, she borrowed £6.00 to get bread and milk for HIS child, a child HE should be helping to support.

Still I stand by the fact some people DO think the benefit system is a lifestyle choice, I have met people who will happily make no effort to work, who are happy to sit by and let everyone else foot the bill, so please don't try to say people like that do not exist because they do, and the fact that I find it distasteful and unfair to people who DO need the system does not make me a bigot, however I can see that you want to crusade along on this so off you go, feel like I am on a persecution mission of your nearest and dearest.

To get back to the point of the OP, Persephonesnape, your EX is a prat, you did no wrong and the next time he goes on holiday tell him to get someone else to feed his cats, Or just leave his front door open.

Get the £6.00 in pennies
And get your books back too.

Ring the RSPCA and tell them that he's abandoning his cats to starve whilst he stuffs pizza into his face in Italy.

And if the money meant so much to her, why was it out in public view where anyone could (reasonably) dip into it? Surely it should be stashed away somewhere. Personally, I'd have banked it as soon as i got my hands on it and bought something to remember the departed by. A nice headstone or something .

Do ring the CSA as well even if he only has to pay the minimum from his benefits. Might make him think a bit in future.

Message withdrawn

Thank you motherfunk.

i am trying to ignore this thread but as kimi is now dragging it over to other threads it kind of pulls me back.

i would like to be clear (cos kimi thinks she is so grown up and clever, well done you) that i am not saying he is not a git. clearly he is.

however kimi has judged him because he is on incapacity benefit and about how he spends his benefits. i know some people cant be arsed to get a job, my ex is one of them. but nowhere on here does it say he is getting incapacity when he shouldnt be. you have not asked if he should be on incapacity, you have just said that he is a loser because he is on incapacity. you are therefore judging all people on incapacity. you dont know how many people have read this. if my friend had read this she would be devastated and probably wouldnt leave the house for a month (and no, that isnt funny although you will probably think it is as you are having a lovely laugh on another thread, very grown up). saying he should get off his arse and get a job is exactly the kind of attitude that makes her freak out so much about getting the benfit in the first place. i replied because i wanted to point out you were judging an entire group of people without any evidence even against the one person you were having a go at and maybe im wrong, but i think that does make you a bigot. is that grown up and reasoned enough for you? would you like to slink off back to your mates now and tell them about the good laugh you have had upsetting people? oh no, that wouldnt be very grown up would it, thats more like the sort of thing a pathetic playground bully would do.

the op has said his girlfriend paid for the holiday, the op took the girlfriends money without asking, the girlfriend has no reason to provide for a child that is not hers. the girlfriend should be allowed to leave her house any way she likes and she should be allowed to leave her money laying around her house without thinking that someone might take it without permission. so really it isnt about him, its about the girlfriend who he seems to live off. tbh it sounds like the gf isnt that happy about your daughter being there and she has every right to feel like that. your ex needs to sort this out and either get things straight with the gf or arrange some other way of keeping in contact with your dd (maybe he could escort her to your house)

No you silly cow I am judging him because he is an areshole, something I see you can relate to.

Also not dragging it anywhere, go take your friend out for a coffee be useful to her and not just bandy her about as a big stick to beat people with other views with on a sodding talk board.
Also I was not the only one to say he is living on hand outs, its time he paid for his children and not leave the OP to have to struggle.

lol, you are soooooo grown up hahahaha. yes i can relate to him being an arsehole, i seem to be seeing a lot of that sort of behaviour right now.

reread your posts, maybe you didnt mean it as it came out but thats how it sounds to me and god knows how many other people who have read it (most people dont post remember). i frequently take my friend out thanks, we are very close and thats why i know how much your thoughtless comments would upset her. all i wanted was for you to say you are wrong to judge him for being on incapacity - you havent done it! you have just tried to justify your comments by saying there are people out there who make it a lifestyle choice. i know that, my ex is one - would i take his girlfriends money? no. has the o psaid he has made it a lifestyle choice and should not get it? no. you have decided he is capable of working and should not be getting incapacity all by your ever so clever grown up self.

i know you werent the only one wbut you are the one who carried it on and imo got more and more offensive. and yes you did take it to another thread 'i am being called a bigot on aibu ', sound familiar?

Have you ever thought of getting a little banner and sitting across the road from parliament?
I feel you only have one point of view and that you are not willing to except that some people have other points of view and everyone is allowed to have and exercise that point of view.
Mine is that instead of spending his money on holidays, be that the money he gets from the state or from his girlfriend, he should support his children.
His daughter has a key, he knew she would be there, the girlfriend knew the daughter would be there, the OP fed the cats FFS, he could have at least left bread and milk, I bet they left cat food, so can feed a cat but not a child The girlfriend has things that belong to the OP and she has not returned them, If she has a problem with his child being in their home maybe she should not sleep with men who have familys.

NOBODY had a go about YOUR friend/you but YOU had to get all high and mighty and start with the OH you are nasty to have a go about my friend and her ilk, YOU are the only one who likened her/him to the OPs ex, so maybe its a case of you do protest too much.
Now you can have a go all you like about me, you are a name in a chat room with no real meaning to me at all, in real life I have to go see my sister now as it looks like her cancer is back, she has been coughing up blood most of the night and will not be going to work today, Thats real life.