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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex ptr yells me out - should he just bugger off or am i wrong to 'borrow' change??

91 replies

persephonesnape · 27/10/2007 13:12

my 12 year old dd has a key to my exes house and lets herself in after school. i work full time, ex is on incapacity benefit.

he has been on holiday with his gf for a week (italy...)and I've been dropping by to collect my daughter and make sure house is ok, feed cats etc, they got back this morning.

he phones me at half nine this morning to yell me out because we took some change from the HUGE shoe box of change in their living room for some bread/milk for my daughter while she was in the house after school (they'd left the fridge completely empty and the house looked like a bombsite. she was told to not switch on TV or computer and tv and the heating was off..) and tickets for the boys (ds1 & 2) halloween party. I left a note saying I'd taken some change and would pay it back when i get my child benefit (tuesday) i am absolutely broke this month - car failed its MOT and i don't get maintenance from him)

apparently the shoe box full of change is his gfs dead husbands change box. he died about a year ago, she stayed in the house she inherited from his estate and my ex moved in with her. she's upset because i borrowed £6 from the change box ( there is hardly a dent in the box - you wouldn't notice if you didn't know type thing)

he was also yelling because my daughter left the oven on yesterday. she was told not to use it, but was hungry and cold after walking home so warmed up a baguette. I didn't check it when i was making sure everything as ok and cats were fed yesterday as i didn't know it was on.

I don't think I'm unreasonable. neither is my dd. he's being a shit for yelling me out when we've gone out of our way to feed the poxy cats and make sure house is ok while they swan off on holiday.

I'm so angry and upset that I've been crying (that very seldom happens) should i have not got boys the tickets for their halloween party? or should i have just not taken the change or not been honest about taking it ( they probably wouldn't have noticed..)or is he just a shit and they can make different arrangements to feed the kitties next time?

OP posts:
WILLBITEYOURNECKANDMAKEULIKEME · 27/10/2007 13:27

hes a shit, and dont help out again. how ungrateful can you get. hope your ok. x

lady007pink · 27/10/2007 13:28

What a tight mean old skinflint!
I can't believe she's not even allowed TV or the computer.
I think you should know yourself YANBU!
Actually, next time they're on holidays I'd be tempted to go back in and switch on all the lights, use power tools (nothing better to eat electricity), plug in all appliances and turn them on full blast!
Maybe not, because you might cause a house fire...

lady007pink · 27/10/2007 13:40

And phone the speaking clock in China...

CarGirl · 27/10/2007 13:52

Let them use a cattery next time around £ per night for a single pen £12ish for a double or triple pen!

VioletBaudelaire · 27/10/2007 13:56

Your poor DD.
Imagine leaving the house in a mess, and not letting her have the heating or TV on.
He sounds like a selfish tosser.

Hekate · 27/10/2007 15:36

Well, you know the answer to this. Borrowing a few quid for some basics to be in his house for his daughter is not too much to ask. You weren't even expecting him to pay it, just lend it to you. You wouldn't have been unreasonable to expect that he ensures he has some provisions in for his daughter.

Never, EVER help them out again. Tell them so. Today. "You're a twat and that's the last time we take care of your house when you're away."

Why can't dd let herself into your house after school instead of her dad's house?

kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 15:42

1] He is a shit of the highest order

2] His girlfriend sounds a silly cow for making a fuss, if she thought as much of her dead hubby as she does of a shoe box full of his small change then she might not have been so quick of the mark moving another bloke in to her hubby's house

3]How the hell does someone on benefits afford a holiday? or was that the dead hubby's money too.

Let the bloody cats starve next time.

kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 15:43

Also I would see about getting some maintenance from him.

DynamicNanny · 27/10/2007 16:57

He's obviously not incapacitated enough to go on holiday!

TWAT - him - not you

fawkeoff · 27/10/2007 17:01

he sounds like a complete todge bag
if his girlfriend was that upset about her dead husband she wouldnt be nobbing him would she????.do incapacity know that he is living with her and swanning off to italy.you do know that the csa can take money off his benefits dont you?

crazylife · 27/10/2007 17:03

agree he is being a complete tosser.

You sound as though you have done nothing wrong.

peskipixie · 27/10/2007 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LuckyUnderpants · 27/10/2007 17:53

Hi i dont think YABU, he didnt leave any provisions for your daughter knowing she goes there everyday after school and you were completely honest about taking the money for HIS children, and made it clear you have every intention to pay it back.
He should be grateful he has you there to look after the house/cats when he is away, so too should his girlfriend, if you had know the money belonged to her and was some 'sacred dead husbands loot' that was not to be touched then that would be different, but you didnt and took it because you needed it for his kids. IMO he is being unreasonable.

Original poster
persephonesnape · 27/10/2007 17:56

dds school is a short walk from exes house and a two journey bus ride from my house. I work nearer his house than my house so it makes sense for her to go to his house and she gets to maintain contact with her dad that way.

peskipixie - I'm sorry your friend feels this way - of course people on benefits are entitled to holidays - but i can understand when peoples backs go up, when they work and can't afford to go on holiday. I last had a holiday in 2002 my ex has had three holidays this year that his gf has paid for. (absolutely admit i am about this! )

we were on good terms peskip - not so sure now. Its not like i took the cash for myself - I'm totally broke, have had toast for tea all of this week and wanted our two ds's to be able to go to their halloween party at school - (had to get school photo this week) it's not like i drank my way through their wine cellar or anything. it was six quid from a shoebox full of change.

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 27/10/2007 18:07

Message withdrawn

NutterlybloodandgUts · 27/10/2007 18:10

I can sort of see why they'd be mad about the change, since it isn't X's, its the GF's, but its still highly unreasonable behaviour

pistachio · 27/10/2007 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyUnderpants · 27/10/2007 18:17

why would anyone be mad about £6, unless you were as tight as a nuns knickers. They shouldnt have left it lying around while they were away if it was that important!

kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 18:58

Peskipixie, firstly i am not a twat, next the social security system is a safety net for people in time of need NOT a lifestyle choice as many seem to think it is.

I am sorry your friend feels as she/he does, and yes some people are in need of help, my sister was, she pays 40% tax and so has paid in to the system but when she had to stop work due to having cancer she went through hell and back to get any social help when she did after 4 months she got a whole £44 every 2 weeks, A holiday would have done her the world of good but she could not have one.

You have to tell the benefits people if you are going on holiday, and if there is money enough to go on a holiday to Italy then someone somewhere is getting far too much, Also if he is well enough to jet around the globe then he is well enough to get a fecking job, and pay for his children's upkeep and not go ape over £6.00.

So next time you feel like jumping on people who you feel are braincell less twats put your own braincell in to gear first.

Original poster
persephonesnape · 27/10/2007 19:41

'I can sort of see why they'd be mad about the change, since it isn't X's, its the GF's, but its still highly unreasonable behaviour'

but - she knew he had my children and a child with the woman he left me for when she started a relationship with him. I don't think she has to support my children ( far from it..) but I didn't know it was the gfs dead husbands money - I would have thought it was communal and as I haven't got a bean at the mo - ex had said he would pay half of school photos ( i always order one for me, one for him and one for his mum and dad) then went on holiday leaving me to pay the full amount.) i thought it was ok - especially as i owned up to it and offered to pay it back

after not getting any maintenance for three years i think he is being a bit 'euff' about six quid. and she's being a bit precious given she was 'seeing' the ex behind her husbands back when he was still alive.

i just checked my phone messages from this morning and he was also complaining about an unwashed mug and plate dd had left behind - given the house is a pigsty. i basically think gf went off on one and he had to phone and yell at me because she was upset and he's living with her, so he had to look all macho and stuff. twat.

OP posts:
Alambil · 27/10/2007 19:57

he's being a bastard!!

Don't pay it back, don't help out next time and don't think of it ANY more - you were not in the wrong !!

CarGirl · 27/10/2007 20:03

deduct the £6 you borrowed from what he owes you for the school photos!

He is being so pathetic, did he not want dd to look after the cats or something?

peskipixie · 27/10/2007 20:03

my brain is well and truly in gear and i stand by my earlier post. you have no idea why he is on incapacity and yet you can judge that he shouldnt be given the money. the attitude of some people on here makes me sick. if he is defrauding the system report him, but dont jump to the conclusion that he gets too much money. it wasnt exactly a walk in the park for my friend to get the incapacity and she is constantly stressing that she should get a job but id rather not see her slit her wrists through doing something she is not capable of. maybe we should just lock them all up in a mental institution like the victorians did then we wouldnt have this problem

sorry to rant on your thread pers but i am truly shocked by this attitude. tbh i probably would not have taken money even from a very close friend. he is possibly getting it in the neck from his gf and took it out on you either cos he was stressed or cos she wanted him to make a point. yes he sounds like a git but i wouldnt sink iykwim, and believe me my ex is worse so i know where you are coming from

kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 23:32

Tell him he is a twat, living with a slapper, then tell him to get off his arse get a job and support his kids.

kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 23:36

Pixie, I am not judging if he should or should not be given tax payers money, what he should NOT be doing is spending it on a holiday, what he SHOULD be doing is coughing up to support his children.

I have no idea what his incapacity benefit is for, but weather he has one leg, a glass eye or the poor diddums is stressed HE NEEDS TO SUPPORT HIS CHILDREN.