Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:
Griselda1 · 10/01/2021 13:53

My sister has a relationship like this but they're both in their sixties, divorced with grown up families. The relationship suits both of them perfectly and they're there to support each other in any way that's necessary.
In your circumstances I'd worry about the finances also. He's bound to be incurring expense by keeping this bolthole, will he actively assist you in mantaining and paying for your home. I'm genuinely shocked that I'm saying this but has he not proposed and would marriage not be an option.

QueenoftheAir · 10/01/2021 13:53

I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect

He's telling you something here.

Don't have children with him - you'll be a single parent again.

MaeveDidIt · 10/01/2021 14:01

He's got one foot in your relationship and one foot out.

LopsidedWombat · 10/01/2021 14:04

It sounds to me like he's just trying to compromise as this is obviously something you really want whereas it sounds like he would rather not move in. Maybe he's not ready to take on the role of step dad? Does he definitely want children? Do you know what he wants? Definitely don't accept the compromise by the way, even if the suggestion comes from a good place it will be a source of unhappiness, probably for you both.

Pyewhacket · 10/01/2021 14:05

I suspect he just wants a relationship but after two years you want more, which is perfectly understandable. Problem is he’s unsure about that and himself, so has dialled-in an exit route. I guess only you can sign-off on that. Personally I would go back to dating and re-set my short term expectations. That doesn’t mean it won’t work-out but you may have to set an end -date if you want babies and a mortgage. Because you should only do that if both of you are 100% sure that’s what they want. Some women are prepared to break a mans arse just to get what they want and call it a result. That’s high risk. Be careful what you wish for.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 10/01/2021 14:08

I have suggested that if he's not ready to commit properly, we go back to dating. He comes over when DD is in bed, we go for walks and a coffee together when we can... when we're able to go out again we go for dates and he can come over on weekends when DD is away. We can go on holidays and weekends away without involving DD. I don't want DD having this half-in, half-out man in her life. But he's not happy with that compromise because he says 'it won't be how it will be when we move in together and become a full time thing if DD isn't involved.'

OP's update for those saying she's forcing him to commit - she gave him an 'out', go back to dating.

He doesn't know what he wants, casual? Commited? It just sounds like he wants it entirely on his terms, dangling the carrot of possible commitment and babies if the OP behaves. You want more DC, this guy is not for you.

Sunbeam18 · 10/01/2021 14:11

Sounds great - but different to what you want. This is the situation my partner and I have (and have chosen) and we have a child. We each have our own place as we like our own space.
It doesn't mean he's not into you; not everyone has to follow a wellworn path. However, if you both want different things then maybe it can't work?

AcrobaticCardigan · 10/01/2021 14:11

You deserve someone who wants you wholeheartedly and can’t wait to move in with you. Not someone who would rather spend hundreds/thousands maintaining a separate bolt hole for himself because he can’t fully commit to being with you full time. I know it’s hard but surely you can see that this isn’t right?

HollowTalk · 10/01/2021 14:15

But surely his lack of enthusiasm is insulting and a huge warning to you? How can you still be madly in love with someone who isn't that keen on you? Have some self-respect.

NovemberR · 10/01/2021 14:18

I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect

He just isn't that into you. I think he's been honest. He declined to move in when the pandemic started. He's offered you a compromise of staying a bit more, but keeping his own place, but if I'm honest I suspect he's suggested that under a lot of pressure, and it's not really what he'd prefer.

He just doesn't feel the same level of love and commitment that you do - and after two years it's unlikely he ever will, imo. You either know if someone is right for you or not - and he is still not feeling it about you.

Lovemusic33 · 10/01/2021 14:19

You like him a lot more than he likes you. He should be making you feel like you mean everything to him and that he wants to be with you, it’s clear he doesn’t feel like that, your just a convenience to him, there when he wants you to be but he’s not there for you?

Please don’t let him move in with you and don’t have kids with him, your wasting your time with him.

TinaAnglewood · 10/01/2021 14:20

Two years is too early in the relationship to be nagging a man constantly to move in together, hence this compromise of his to ‘shut you up’ about it and give him breathing space.

By complying, you’ll have to be on good behaviour all the time, walking on eggshells in case you upset him. Every ‘off’ glance from you or bit of a moody will send him running back to his own pad.

This isn’t normal behaviour and you shouldn’t accept it.

He isn’t that into you just yet. Tell him his offer isn’t acceptable and then blank him for a couple of weeks. Ultimatums are unfair but they can be a pivot that changes things sometimes for the better.

Lampzade · 10/01/2021 14:20

Why are you pressuring this man ?
He doesn’t want to live with you fgs

JohnBarron · 10/01/2021 14:24

I think he is everything to you but you aren’t everything to him.

FuriousWithTheNHS · 10/01/2021 14:27

Two years is too early in the relationship to be nagging a man constantly to move in together

Don't be daft, No it isn't. In fact i think most people would say that if an adult relationship hasn't reached readiness after two years then it probably never will. But if you have to nag or beg then it's probably not the right thing to do anyway, whether it's been six months or six years. People who feel comfortable enough to fully commit will not nagging.

butterpuffed · 10/01/2021 14:27

@BingBongToTheMoon

He wants to go to his flat to shag other people.
No idea why people write odd posts like this when they have absolutely no information which points to anything like that. I guess they think it's funny Hmm

Good that there are plenty of posters who try to be helpful Smile

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/01/2021 14:29

Personally I think his suggestion sounds like my ideal scenario!

Me too Blush

Madmussells · 10/01/2021 14:35

It sounds as though he's been honest and open with you. It would be much worse if he said 'yes!' and then felt uncomfortable in a few weeks with no space to be on his own.

Hes looking ahead, being sensible, he probably knows that the first few weeks/months are great but what then? Even healthy relationships are struggling at the moment. His option sounds like it will be good for you too.

I would LOVE a place to go for a night or 2 of alone time away from family madness and I signed up for it right from the start -they're my children and husband! And I love them! A night or 2 away and I'm sure we'd all be happier.

Therefore, If he's joining your family, it sounds like a great way to live together at first definitelyand maybe even in the longrun. Especially in these times when you can't just nip to the café/pub to meet friends or sit on your own for a while, he would be silly to give up his bolthole. Not everyone needs alone time but some of us do and if he does can't have it, your relationship would be under strain right from the start of moving in. YABU. If you live him, Keep talking, try to see it from his point of view and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2021 14:36

IMHO, he has just as much right to set the parameters he is happy with as OP has to set them for herself. Neither is right OR wrong in wanting what they feel will work for them. And at least he's not lying to her, as so many do when it comes to moving in or marriage.

Bottom line is, their individual parameters are incompatible. And if OP accepts his parameters and lets him move in she will be unhappy because he'll likely bugger off to his bachelor pad much more frequently than she thinks he will. Plus she'd be letting him move in with the unrealistic hope that he'll eventually change. I doubt he will, as who would want to give up the best of both worlds?

@hannahrose123 I think if you're looking to have more children with a 100% 'all in' partner, then you need to look elsewhere or give up that dream. Him saying 'someday' is pretty much him saying 'never'.

RandomMess · 10/01/2021 14:38

Sadly I think you "aren't the one" he doesn't want to commit 100% to you. I think part of him thinks there be something better out there so he wants to continue to hedge is bets.

You are good enough for now/20 years but not good enough to marry/commit to.

VinylDetective · 10/01/2021 14:39

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Personally I think his suggestion sounds like my ideal scenario!

Me too Blush

And me. I always thought Helena Bonham Carter and her husband living in adjoining houses had the perfect arrangement.
Wheresmykimchi · 10/01/2021 14:42

@BingBongToTheMoon

He wants to go to his flat to shag other people.
Slow Sunday? Feeling the need to stick the boot into other people?

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do OP. Only you know whether this can work.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2021 14:43

Hit enter too soon....

My DC are grown and gone so I'm not looking to 'expand' my family. And I think his 'arrangement' would be a perfect one for someone with either no or grown children. But I wouldn't actually call such an arrangement 'moving in' as long as someone still has their own place to 'go home to'. That's not moving in, it's 'visiting' or 'staying over' even if it's 5 nights a week or a month at a time.

But I don't think it would be healthy or a good example of a relationship for a young child to have a parental-figure who flits in and out of the house at will.

marshmallowfluffy · 10/01/2021 14:43

Yanbu to feel the way you do and he inbu to feel the way he does.

You need to listen to what he's saying. He doesn't want what you do - I'd go as far as saying he's one of those guys who moves in with his next girlfriend after 6 months and has babies/marries her equally quickly. He's clearly not as into you and you're into him but I sympathise with him in that becoming a stepparent is a massive deal so it's complicated.

You need to accept he's not ready or leave. Definitely don't get pregnant.

Lovelydiscusfish · 10/01/2021 14:44

I might well be reading too much into this due to my own past experiences, but it sounds a bit controlling to me - like he wants to have things on his terms, and make it clear to you that there are limits on his level of commitment? I had an ex like this who used to insist we slept in separate rooms at various points, and looking back I think it was done to punish me/assert the greater power he had in the relationship.

But obviously I don’t know what your fella is like in other ways, so it is hard to know for sure.