DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

[hannahrose123]

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

@Orlania

Lol, unless you're in your late 50s, I doubt it.... 🤣

Gosh, clearly wisdom and age isn't a thing then 😉

It certainly isn't for many, that's for sure. 🤣

My mother had a long distance relationship with her partner, she didn’t want to leave her house to move into his, as she would of had no security if the relationship failed (he owned his house!) as it happens their relationship ended, so from a security point I can see why people do this but in order to have a fully committed relationship then it’s only right you make that move to live together. In my opinion, it would be an eventual deal-breaker.

I'm like your DP in this situation, OP. I moved in with my DP three years ago - I'm fully committed to our relationship and certainly don't want a bolthole to 'shag someone else'. But I need my own space sometimes, and was concerned about living with someone 24/7 in case I didn't get it - this was concern for him, not me, as I didn't want to feel so hemmed in that I eventually moved out.

I'm a housesitter and it was my DP who suggested I keep doing that so I can occasionally get the space I need. Pre-Covid, I was away 4-5 days a month or 10-14 days every two or three months; my DP was and is completely fine with this as it means I can hole up for some time alone and work, and come back to him happy and recharged. I'm happy living with him, but I'd feel suffocated not having the option of a few days away on my own sometimes. If it's a longer or a local sit, DP comes to visit for a night or two.

This arrangement works perfectly for us and DP has always known this is 'just me', rather than me not being committed to him or not wanting to live with him. (Obv there aren't kids to consider.) I wouldn't have been able to move in with him otherwise. I do prefer living alone, but moved in with him because I love him and want to be with him. Just not 365 days of the year! I think that's perfectly healthy and perfectly fine.

It doesn't work for you, OP, which is also perfectly fine. But I just wanted to show the other side of this - wanting a few days away occasionally doesn't mean someone isn't committed to a partnership. (Of course it needs to be respectful, ie, not doing it to duck out of responsibilities; always checking with the other person if going-away dates are OK; giving plenty of notice. But we have all that.)

What he's suggesting might be ok for some people, but it's not what you're looking for, so probably best to move on and hope to find someone who shares your long term goals

Nope. Don’t do it OP. He is using you. You’ve been together 2 years of which 10 months has been under lockdown. Continue dating for a good while yet or ditch him but it’s not acceptable for him to have his own place to get away.

I have only read the OP's post, so I'm probably repeating other people's responses.

"I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect."
He never seems enthusiastic because he isn't. So what excites you about someone who isn't excited at you? This lack of enthusiasm on his part should be enough to put you off. You're happy to have a reluctant partner?

"I have suggested that if he's not ready to commit properly, we go back to dating. He comes over when DD is in bed, we go for walks and a coffee together when we can... when we're able to go out again we go for dates and he can come over on weekends when DD is away. We can go on holidays and weekends away without involving DD. I don't want DD having this half-in, half-out man in her life. But he's not happy with that compromise because he says 'it won't be how it will be when we move in together and become a full time thing if DD isn't involved.'"
This is a really sensible suggestion on your part. "I don't want DD having this half-in, half-out man in her life." Really sensible. His response to your sensible suggestion troubles me, and it should trouble you too. That you're mentioning it here makes me think it does trouble you. It's one thing for you, an adult, to subject yourself to being dicked about, but to subject a child in their formative years to this is cruel. I wonder if what he's not happy about with your suggestion is that it clearly prioritises your daughter's welfare over his stated wish to play part-time happy families. He's not happy for anything, not even a child's welfare, to be prioritised over him.

And the inconsistency of 'when we move in together and become a full time thing' versus him reserving the right to bugger off as and when he pleases and therefore make living together a 'part time thing' is quite staggering.

There's another area of your relationship where I think you're setting the bar low - finances. " I wouldn't ask him for a lot, as in my mind some of the bills I'd be paying without him living here (council tax, rent) etc. I would only want contribution towards the things that will cost extra (utilities, food)." That gives him the status of recurrent guest, not a resident of the household. Members of a household contribute to all the running costs of their household. You're effectively accepting that he doesn't live with you, only visits.

Overall, I think you and he are incompatible. You are ready to move to the next phase and he just wants to tread water. He's making some of the right sounds to keep you in his life, but keeps it vague so that he can't be held to anything. Dangling a carrot, leading you on, future faking - whatever term you prefer, that's what he's doing here. What he isn't doing is committing, even though he want you to commit by committing your daughter to his imagined "at some point" future. But he's making sure he can back out and drop you at will.

If you want to have more children, this is not the man for you. Move on and find an adult, this is a manchild.

Sounds like he just wants to stay over he definitely isn’t ready to move in

You want different things from the relationship

For some this would be perfect for others not

Why are you accepting what he had to offer when it’s not enough for you

He doesn’t really want to live with you. The question is whether that diminishes the commitment he has to the relationship or not.

If I were dating at this point in my life, I wouldn’t live with someone again, I’d much rather a two home set up.

However, it’s impossible for any outsider to tell whether it’s simply a living arrangement preference or he just isn’t that into you.

If you want a live in partner as part of a relationship and he doesn’t, you may not be compatible.

Both of your positions are actually completely reasonable but not compatible as they currently stand. It's fairly common now for partners not to live together full time and as others have said, you might come to see it as an advantage. If it's a source of conflict from the beginning you either need to give it a chance properly being more open minded about it for an agreed timescale or call it a day now.

I think some posters are overly and unfairly judgemental of the partner. His position is perfectly reasonable.

Sorry @hannahrose123 he’s just not that into you.

He is a very poor prospect for a happy future family life. You have two options.

1. You need to accept him as a casual boyfriend who comes and goes as he pleases and give up your dream of having more DC - but please don’t move him in and confuse your DD.

2. Alternatively, tell him how you feel. He either commits to a proper living together relationship with a date for a wedding, becomes a real step dad to DD and commits to expanding your family together. I suspect he will run a mile, but if this is what you want, then don’t accept less. You will regret it.

Good luck.

@hannahrose123

He has actually brought a lot of this up himself in the past. When we discuss it he agrees that he wants all of that 'at some point.' He never gives definitive answers as to when/how/time scales... just some vague notion that he definitely wants that 'in the future.'

Future faking?

Op if he moves in with you, you'll lose tax credits ( if you get them).

You could be worse off

Erm... nobody is meant to be travelling around like that in this lockdown time !! Essential travel only. Going back and forth “when he feels like it” is not essential travel. Regardless of the morals !!

I don’t think he is a man child either if he was he would have moved in and gone about doing as he pleased

He is being honest with you not just going along with things hoping you will fall in line

Listen when someone is telling you something even if it’s not what you want to hear

It’s not always about being scared or not ready. There are lots of men who don’t want more/any children. They’re very aware of the women who want children and have limited time to have them. If he’s mid 30s or older I think it’s unlikely he’s going to commit. He’s had a taster of living together he’s still not keen. It’s not what you want/need, are you reluctant to move on because you’re worried that you won’t meet anyone else in time to have more kids? (Which is understandable)

He is actually being refreshingly honest, in my opinion. He is feeling pressure from you and he may well like you, but he doesn't want to take on someone else's family as part of the package.

This is unlikely to be an enduring relationship, as you want different things. He doesn't want a settled relationship where he is required to support you in raising your child.

@hannahrose123

He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.

sorry but nice try by your partner to act like he is being selfless

Face facts he has said if we have a row I want to take a couple of days out, this means you will never be able to thrash things out because he will take himself away, will manufacture arguments so he can have some free time.

Look foreword to a controlled relationship

He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.

Look, if he can’t be honest enough to say “I’m worried that living together will be too full on and I’ll feel claustrophobic and trapped, if I don’t have my flat I’m not sure what I’ll do at the inevitable times when you drive me bonkers” then this is a bad idea. It’s not so much that he needs space, it’s the way he’s got you believing that’s so he can give you his best.

He’s just not that into you.

Relationships only work when the man loves the women more- you seem more keen on him I’m afraid. X

He doesn’t really want to commit further, that is clear. Either keep going as you are, or end it so you can look for someone who will be willing to give the commitment you want.

I haven’t rtft. But I’ve read all your updates

I’m sorry. But men are straight forward. If he’s blindingly in love with you. You’ll know.

Although this situation does sound Idyllic for some. It doesn’t tk you. That’s the important thing.

You need to talk money and you need to work out it your happy with this for the rest of your life. Can YOU do it. If you have kids. Can YOU do it. If he doesn’t contribute anything. Can YOU do it.

Regardless of us. You need to decide if this is how you want to be. If you want more children. Then think about this hard and long.

I think it sounds like he’s scared of the long term

But I think the MOST important thing is your child. You’ve got a man coming in and out. You’ve got a man who is there. Then isn’t. This won’t help her or her development. She needs (not even a man). But someone who proves he’s worth being in her life. End of. You nor he is as important as her.

^I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.
I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things.^

I think you have a vision of playing ‘happy families’ in your head that is not based on the reality of your current situation. He doesn’t seem as interested in playing the character of loving partner and father.

I think you need to listen and accept what he’s saying to you.

Christ, this is hard work before you've even started.

He’s just not that into you.

This is exactly what I thought. Sorry, OP. I think you actually know this.