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Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 10/01/2021 16:14

He doesn't want to live with you. So it's up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not.

I've been with DP for 6 years and we are happy, exclusive, and don't live together. We live 20 minutes down the road from each other, spend time at each others' homes, have days to ourselves in between. We holiday and shop together, our DCs get on well etc

My DCs were still school age when I met him, I didn't want to move a man in and having been married before, I know in my heart it's not the be all and end all to live with a man, for me. I much prefer not living with a man 24/7.

We are all different and that's fine. You need someone who wants what you want.

Especially as you have a child, and your partner would be Stepdad. I know it's not a pleasant thought but another consideration is that he doesn't want to be a stepdad.

Lullaby88 · 10/01/2021 16:15

Ah some of these comments! U guys just need to take it a bit slow. He will come round and will be more eager if u just slow ur pace. Its well known men get freaked out about all this stuff. If u both love eachother ul make it through.

Purplethrow · 10/01/2021 16:17

@Sp3849 , someone once told me to look at a picture of myself as a little girl and ask ‘ is this what you would want for her ?’
It was very powerful.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2021 16:17

He’s not ready to commit that way, he clearly feels that what he does do when he’s with you both he can’t do full time. Not yet anyway.

It sounds like you’re forcing rhe issue. Instead of listening to what he’s telling you. No matter how much you want him to commit to you he doesn’t want to. You need to accept that. Stop raising it.

Motnight · 10/01/2021 16:18

Caseycat01

1forAll74 · 10/01/2021 16:31

You will just be a part time partner,as your partner views you this way, and he would prefer it this way, despite you not liking it. He might say that things Could change in the future,(when he decides) but you are not to know this right now. If he is a dithering, and often mind changing man, you should be very wary of what he says mostly. Some people who keep saying that they need space, often don't know what they wan't in reality.

Blox123 · 10/01/2021 16:45

Me and oh didn't live together for the first 3.5 years, the first year and a half of my daughters life I lived with my mom and him with his grandad.
Tbh money wasn't great and he was really scared about being independent, I didn't push it because even though I wanted to live with him I didn't want to push it or feel like. I'd forced it. I wanted him to want to live with me... He might just be nervous, I know I'm going against the grain here lol, but me and oh have now been living together for 6 years and are so so happy, I'm glad I waited for him to be ready. X

Blox123 · 10/01/2021 16:46

And yes I know it's ridiculous that we had a child before moving in together, but these things happen. 😂

NoWordForFluffy · 10/01/2021 16:48

I left my ex as he wouldn't live with me. Sometimes you're just not on the same page as each other. Has he said that he'd always want his own space to escape to, or does he see it changing?

It may be you're just not compatible.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/01/2021 16:52

You need to clarify a few things

Does he want the relationship but wants and needs space (which is actually fair enough)

Or does he have genuine cold feet

You need to talk and not waste time and emotional energy
Be firm and assertive and listen to him , what he says , what he doesn’t say

I think you will know

peaceanddove · 10/01/2021 16:54

Men aren't afraid of commitment, they're just afraid of commitment with the wrong person

I"m afraid that you are the wrong person and that's why he's refraining from fully commiting to your relationship. If he was fully committed to moving in with you he would put his place up for sale.

Singlenotsingle · 10/01/2021 16:58

Me and my DP do this. I have my home 150 miles away from where he lives and go backwards and forwards. Probably a week at his, then two or three days at mine. It works beautifully and gives us both a little break. We do love each other though and neither has any doubts about the other.

yvanka · 10/01/2021 17:29

How does he get on with your DD? Can she be difficult?

Motnight · 10/01/2021 17:35

Op's dd is 7, of course she can be difficult 😬

Minky37 · 10/01/2021 17:36

He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.

What a shite excuse, so cringey.

It sounds like he’s trying very hard not to commit, I’d stop pushing the topic if I was you.?

Garlicinyoursoul · 10/01/2021 17:36

Honestly I know a few couples like this, ones who have lived on their own for 10-15 years and enjoy their own space but have them met someone they love.
They don’t want to give up that alone time they need to recharge, where they don’t have to feel like they’re being rude or inconsiderate to their SO by being in the same house and not spending time with them, so they have that arrangement.
It’s not something that’s for me, but it works for them.
They both own their own place, and the one without the children or ties goes back and forwards. That being said, both parties were happy and on board with the plan from the start, you really don’t sound like you are so something will have to give.

Chuzzle · 10/01/2021 17:43

If you live together you live together. I would not be moving in with him based on your OP. The way you describe it it isn't the right thing for either of you; sounds like he would feel trapped and you would feel neglected. If you are happy being in relationship with him then just enjoy your own space and the freedom, with the bonus of companionship and intimacy every so often. If you're not happy, then...well...

I will say that I am OLD and I like my own space and time. Perhaps that is clouding my judgement, but it sounds to me that the balance is not there in your relationship.

yvanka · 10/01/2021 17:53

Motnight Well I wouldn't want to live with a 7 year old who tantrums all the time, it sounds very intense.

slashlover · 10/01/2021 18:13

DP and I have been together for 2 years.

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together...

How long into the relationship did you first ask him to move in? Less than a year seems very quick, especially as you have a DD.

GabsAlot · 10/01/2021 18:31

thats not living togetheris it-we all need space sometimes yes if youve an argument-but you gpo for a walk or a drive you dont go to your other house for a few days

its fair to keep it as an investment but not to go to running to when he cant handle it

Original poster
hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 18:42

He bought up moving in together initially, very quickly into the relationship... then I mentioned we might like to move in together when the first lockdown hit. After his initial bringing it up he has cooled off the idea massively.

DD really isn't an issue. I know this is biased as it's coming from her mum. She has got used to the independence of being an only child, she happily plays independently for a couple of hours at a time, gets dressed, washed, brushes teeth all independently.. she is not demanding or clingy, or anything that would stress you out... other than the general day-to-day kid stuff.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 10/01/2021 18:44

how old are you both op

Original poster
hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 18:53

Late 20s

OP posts:
jimmyjammy001 · 10/01/2021 19:06

To be honest I would be a bit weary moving into a house with someone and their children and would quite like the space, he's presumably going to have to play step dad at some point if your all living under the same roof otherwise it will be you and some under age lodger he will be living with. Is he aware of the responsibilitys he will be taking on and the sacrifices he will need to make in order to be a step dad, it affects when and where he can go out, day trips, meals out, weekends away, holdiays e.t.c. Perhaps he's not that excited about joining a ready made family which is why he doesn't really want to move in.

With moving in comes a loss of freedom and no responsibilitys he currently has with being single, not married, no kids, own place, he's got the ideal life at the moment, if he wants to do anything just the two of you then your have to try find childcare arrangements which will not allways happen.

GabsAlot · 10/01/2021 19:10

so he sounds quite immature about it all and maybe not ready for this sort of relationship

well then jimmyjammy he shouldnt be in a relationship with someone with kids

what happens when he has his own sod off when he cant handle it