DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

[hannahrose123]

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

@BingBongToTheMoon

He wants to go to his flat to shag other people.

I think he'll want to game all night or get drunk with his friends without worrying about being home at a reasonable time.

I guess giving up independence can be difficult. How long has he been single for? I am thinking it sounds like he is really used to having his own space, and giving that up to live with someone full time, however much you like that person, can be scary.

You need to weight up how much you love this man and see him as a part of your future. There's a chance that he will do this and it will drag on for years and he will never fully commit. But there's a chance that this is just a short term adjustment that he needs.

I think some people are being a bit harsh on him tbh. It is a huge thing for some people to no longer have their own space when they are used to it.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

I'll project onto OP's DP whatever bad behaviour I would do or my ex/DP did, without understanding the OP's DP character. Game/drink/adultery/drugs/extreme cooking habit/extreme DIY/womanface habit/second career as a musician.

OP, would you describe your DP's character as relatively cautious or a Jack the lad?

I'm another one who has been through this scenario. He kept his flat for years and flitted between that and my house for years. We did have a DC after two years together. I was thrilled when he finally sold the flat and moved in with me. What happened? He cleared off after two years of full time living with me. He had got a job working in London at weekends, he said, but was shagging someone 70 miles away from London.

Stop pushing him. He likes living on his own. He probably doesn't want family life with your daughter. No good will come of forcing this.
His solution of 'time out' is my idea of the perfect way of living, not tripping over each every day. Clearly it isn't yours and it wouldn't work if you had another child. If you want more, you need to move on.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks that an argument means you get to take a couple of days out of the relationship every time! I'm sure we'd all love to not deal with problems and walk away for days at a time but that's not real life. Where is your bolt hole? Will he go back to his flat if you want some peace from him or will it only be when he feels it necessary?

Your DD is 7, she is learning about relationships from what you are modelling. Don't let her think that a man should be able to waltz in and out of your lives as he sees fit.

If he can't make up his mind then the ball is in your court. But how long are you going to keep him around while he says "at some point" and can't commit to even being in the same house as you every day?

Make the decision for him, if you are happy just dating then make that your relationship. If you want more and he isn't willing then you get rid.

You say he's the 'father' figure when he comes around.

How very disturbing that will be for your DD to negotiate.
Seems he wants to be in charge when it suits him then absent when it suits him.
He sounds both immature and controlling and you are falling into that with him, by making allowances for him to take you or leave you.
Your DD will then have very inconsistent parenting from him...where you allow him have control of your household (and by default have control over DD's life to some extent) when he's there, but then he disappears when he's finding you both irritating.
His appearance or disappearance becomes dependent on how 'good' both you and DD are. Like if you don't argue with him.
That's OK for you to manage you are an adult, but your DD will start learning that sometimes he's not there because he doesn't like her enough to stick around. And she'd be right about that.
With that constant threat hanging over you, you can't help but start pandering to his every need so he'll 'stay' because by his rules, he can pick up and feck off anytime he likes.

That's not being a father figure.
In short, he doesn't want to share his life with you completely.
If your father treated your mother like this, what would you think?

He's not a suitable father figure he really isn't.
Because he only wants part of both of you.
That is going to be detrimental to both your and your DD's self esteem in the long term.

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury

Is it about moving in with you, or about becoming a sudden parent to your child? I could see how he'd like a break from a child sometimes. I have a toddler and I'd love a childfree day off.

But any mature person knows that life's not like that. Living with someone is not a part-time job; it involves responsibility and commitment, he doesn't seem ready for that so the OP needs to decline his half-hearted offer.

How do you see this working out in practice, OP? Because from here it sounds awfully like 'If you behave in a way I find difficult, or your seven year old goes through a disruptive phase, or I'm tired, or stressed especially if you're the one stressing me then I'll be off to my own place, and you can't complain because I told you what you were getting into, so you'd better make sure your house is a nice, undemanding environment for me to live in, because I get to flit back and forth as I see fit, and you'll need to do a version of the Pick Me dance on a day by day basis to get me to choose your house over mine, as I'm doing you a favour by even moving in part-time.'

I've also watched the fallout from a passive, reluctant man who was coaxed into moving in after a much longer period in a long-distance relationship -- in his case, he viewed himself as having been persuaded into a marriage and eventually children he really didn't want, and because he genuinely viewed himself as a Free Spirit Trapped by Female Domesticity, he did sod all with the children or around the house, and his wife, who clearly also felt on the back foot because it had 'all been her idea', trotted around doing everything, while working FT, while he just gamed.

And he eventually asked for a divorce out of the blue because 'It's just not the life I wanted.'

Sorry OP...but you really need to take the hint... he's just not that in to you

No this isn't how it should be.

Quite simply he is not as committed to this relationship as you are. You deserve better.

*He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.” 😂 bullshit! He wants the freedom to checkout when convenient for him.

He doesn’t want to live with you and this is his compromise, which isn’t terrible but the bullshit that he’s spewing is a problem because he’s not being completely honest about the reasons for maintaining his flat. You are not on the same page, better to admit that, then to pretend and let the resentment of your mismatched expectations fester.

Sounds ideal to me. But let’s face it, the times when he ‘needs space’ are not going to be times when things are going well in your relationship. He’ll be running away whenever there is a challenge, and that means he’s not a keeper.

I really think this is just a case of “he not that into you”

You like him, want the family dynamic, want him to be a more permanent fatherly figure to your child and need him there 24/7.

He doesn’t want to play families yet (or with you), he just wants the relationship to stay as it is and you are pressuring him into agreeing to become some sort of a “husband” when he is not ready for that.

This reminds me a lot of that video that when someone tell you they “don’t want to marry” they are actually saying “don’t want to marry you“. Cut your loses, he is not the one for you.

Honestly OP, it really sounds as though he is moving in because you want him to and he feels he has to. I wouldn't be wasting time living with someone who wasn't as keen to be in your life as a committed live in partner, it just won't work.

If you trust 100% he is genuine, which I have my doubts, he sounds too far too delicate for any sort of normal family life. You'll stress yourself out walking on egg shells wondering what you are doing to cause him to need space, the relationship will suffer and resentment will grow.

Do you rely on any benefits as if he moves in you'd likely lose some? Will he replace those or let you struggle and not pay what you lose as he has his own place to run too and doesn't see why he should contribute but his income will be taken into account.
Tbh if it's this hard work then moving forward will mean even if you do have a child together he will just bail out when it's too hard.
I'd stay living separately as you do now if you still want to see him.

Sorry he doesn’t want to give up his house and own time space

Have you suggested buying a joint place

Or as others have said , sadly he isn’t that bothered

This would be a red flag for me that he is not ready to live together.

@FuriousWithTheNHS

Two years is too early in the relationship to be nagging a man constantly to move in together

Don't be daft, No it isn't. In fact i think most people would say that if an adult relationship hasn't reached readiness after two years then it probably never will. But if you have to nag or beg then it's probably not the right thing to do anyway, whether it's been six months or six years. People who feel comfortable enough to fully commit will not nagging.

How was the PP being 'daft'?

Readiness after two years might be fine for the adults, but often (as in the OP''s case) there are children to consider.

Often you'll find they're not as enthusiastic as the adults are.

So no, hopefully 'most people' wouldn't think like that.

It may be that he will never be ready to do all this with 'you'.

You and your DD will be fine. I bet you two are brilliant and some damn lovely bloke will come along one day and make you both the centre of his world...but if it's a while, you can carry on being a great little family team. Until then please, never, ever just settle.

Sorry to say it sounds like he is just not that into you. If someone wants to be with someone they wouldn't act the way he is. It almost sounds like he is just biding his time until he gets another offer :(

@CodenameVillanelle

Not everyone wants to live with their partner. Personally I think his suggestion sounds like my ideal scenario! However he might just not be ready for the commitment, in which case he should be honest with you. You really shouldn't take this as a personal rejection.

Sounds like my idea scenario, too.

That said, I'm too old to have any more children, so I would have no desire to go down the 'happy blended families' route.

I wouldn't assume that if someone wants space, and wants to keep their own space, they are shagging anyone else, though. Sometimes people really do just want their space for some of the time. Living together is lovely in all sorts of ways, but it can also be claustrophobic.

Also: the more threads I read on here about really quite crap relationships between people who presumably loved one another and were excited by one another once upon a time, the more I like the combination of being in a relationship (where it's still exciting to see the other person, even after 10 years) and not being forced to put up with one another's bad habits, tastes, etc, etc all the time.

Oh, and I think you need to back off the 'father figure' thing with your DD. He needs to be quietly moved back into the place of, at most, 'nice uncle'.

I know it probably makes your life easier for him to be in the place of a father since (to me) that means he carries part of the load of disciplining, bed times, homework help, etc etc. But it's creating a situation that may very well lead to much more heartache for your DD than it really needs to. She shouldn't be regarding him as a permanent fixture in her life.

Please go and stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself. Really look at yourself. You deserve better than too be a part time family for him. Go and find what you deserve lovely lady. Someone who is excited too wake up next too you every morning. Someone who wants too be a part of your family 100% of the time. You deserve back what you put in too that relationship and you aren't worth anything less. Go and find what you and your child deserve. Itay seem very hard right now but you will look back and realise you made the right decision when you have met the right person xxx

How many times does he have to tell you?

He doesn't intend to commit to you and your child.