To leave my job? I'm utterly desperate

[Dollygirl2008]

I'm in a fairly well paid job £40k in a public sector institution and have been there over 20 years.

I don't know where to start. I'm a single parent and own my house (well, mortgage) and have some savings in the bank due to some inheritance.

Here's the thing. Work is making miserable and will soon make me ill. I mean miserable - I don't sleep, my personality has changed, I feel sick all the time. It's been getting like this a while due to cuts etc, but now we have new management in who don't seem to understand or care about the background, and are intent on pushing forward. I'm WAY out of my depth with tasks and teams I'm responsible for, and they're answer is just "get some resource". But how do I get resource when I'm not even sure what it is I need! I know I sound pathetic and I know the advice is to talk to managers etc etc, but believe me I've tried. Some of the systems I look after are failing but no one seems to invest or help me to replace, despite asking - begging. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and the weight is unbearable. I feel like a failure and that doesn't help my constant panic.

They're now taking about creating a central support function which I would head up. This will be a nightmare. Firstly it's on top of an already challenging role, but also, all the "crap" parts of the business will be pushed into it for me to sort out, because no one has been able to face them in the past.

I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my life. Please help

Ps - reading this back, I've tuned into someone I don't recognise. I sound pathetic but it's actually desperation

Hi Dollygirl I would say yes, if you can find something else, leave and don't look back! Have you are already started looking? Do you think a move elsewhere is possible?

I empathise because I'm also not very happy in my job. Been looking about four years, but that's because I'm in something niche. Hopefully you'll have better luck!

If you’re financially ok and can get through a while without work, absolutely jack it in. You’ll feel lighter immediately. It’s clearly making you ill.

Then, get your CV polished and get looking elsewhere.

Start looking for a new role. Bad job situations sometimes become more tolerable if you know you have a way out.
If you feel you are at breaking point you could consider getting signed off.

Sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat.

I do look albeit half heartedly because I'm also terrified of leaving because it's been my life there. I also realise now, with working from home, that it's the people I love - never the job! I'm not I a particularly niche area but my salary is very good for admin management type work - it's hard to find anything that matches that.

I have a spare room so I could consider a lodger to help make up any shortfall and also use savings. But it's just terrifying.

I know people say "life is too short" etc and it is - I will always looks back on this as a total nightmare - if the reality is, we have to live and survive, and it takes money to do that.

I just need some sleep as well!

I have a close friend who felt the same in her role. The salary was great but her life was just awful, stressed, exhausted, miserable, tearful and at her lowest. She took the bull by the horns and left. Now works in a local shop for minimum wage - doesn't particularly like it but no stress, no pressure, no drama, closer to home - a happy home now! She looks as though a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders

Can you get signed off with stress? That will give you some time to consider your options and think about what you really want.

In the nicest possible way, you sound stressed to the point of being unwell, like it’s all getting on top of you. Have you thought about taking a little bit of time off sick? I would strongly advise that rather than immediately quit a job you’ve been in for 20 years. Particularly as you recognise you’re not your normal self. Take some time off to reflect, perhaps update some of your skills and think about strategies for coping with work when times are difficult.

Yes id given the stress route some thought and to get signed off, but I think the guilt of others having to try and muddle their way through it without me would possibly have just as negative effect. I wish I didn't care so much but I do! If I were off sick, they wouldn't be able to replace me. That's what they need - new blood. I'm too personally involved with the place and the people

Yes I would be seriously looking for another job, not easy atm, I know.

You need to look after yourself.

To me you have two choices... Go off sick with stress/depression .. I think you are at that stage... This may force a review on your return

2nd option... Leave.. You might need to do this if first option doesn't work anyway... Are you applying for jobs? If not.. Start... There is jobs out there... Do you need to leave before have a job?

Totally understand the terror. Is there any way you could take a step down where you currently work and earn less? I did this after becoming a single parent and they totally understood why. I have been with my current employer for 18 years so also understand the reluctance to start afresh.

That way you get to carry on working with the people you love but less stress. I also took in a lodger and it's a brilliant set up if you get the right person. Her money makes up for the shortfall in my pay and it's nice to have another adult in the house. We have our own lived but sometimes watch TV or go for a walk together. It's a great set up.

You can't carry on living with this stress!

If you have asked for support and resources etc to no avail, can you apply for a transfer or start looking elsewhere?

All great advice. I don't think anyone at work has any idea how bad I am. They know I'm pissed off - all the existing staff are - but i think it would come as a huge shock to most. I think it's because I still achieve in some of the aspects that I still feel I'm good at and, more importantly, realistic and achievable goals. I'm told frequently how they could never do without me, "you'd better not leave" etc, but so much of it is UNachievable and way out of my comfort zone and skill set

God I'm rambling aren't I

OP sounds awful.

Can you apply for a sideways move?

I have to do something I know. Although my manager is brilliant and a friend, our new boss over him is quite bullish and "just do it". I've lost confidence which is a huge part of the problem. Oh for my early twenties where I felt I could conquer the world, and if I didn't know, I'd wing it! Now I look at everything and panic inside.

I think I'm going to have to have some difficult conversations this week and know it will get worse before it gets better. The outcomes will probably help inform my next step

These posts really do help so thank you

Not sure exactly where in Public sector you are but one of the perks for me is the people support.

Please speak to people services, see about a managed move, or you could maybe even get a secondment to another body?

20 years is a lot to give up pension wise- please speak to your HR/people and look at some time off straight away.

Sending love, I've been in a job that causes me panic and terror but it was private sector and bailing was the best decision I ever made.

I woke up at 4am every morning feeling sick to the stomach.

OP, have you talked to your manager? Actually expressed line by line the items that you see as I unachievable. What makes them unachievable? Specifically what bell you need. The times you have asked for it, the times you didn’t get it.
Put in an e mail. Going off sick alone won’t solve your problems. If you need to return to this job, this situation needs to be resolved. Your manager needs to resolve this, it’s their job. But they need to know loud and clear what you need.

Can you move down a grade?

I think you are suffering from stress, and that is never a good time to make a life changing decision. Go to your GP for help. They will probably sign you off work for a few weeks . Use this time to heal. Do what your body tells you to do. Sleep when you need to (I know it depends on the age of your children), wrap yourself up in a blanket, read some books, binge watch Tv - be kind to yourself. Get outside and walk.

If, and when, only when you can face it - start to think about the next step. Once you feel less stressed you might be able to face work with more optimism. Or. you may decide enough is enough. Start to look for a new job. Maybe sign up with a temping agency if you can manage without a regular income for a while. Write your CV.

I have been there, and in the end I did the sums and left the job that was making me ill. But the best advice I was given was where I started this - make no life changing decisions for now, not until you are well.

Taking a lodger and taking on another role from home might be preferable to this. I don't know what your outgoings are, and what your mortgage is, but you sound reasonably cushioned and that change might be possible. It is possible to pick up new admin type jobs from home, not necessarily incredibly well paid, but won't come with this stress that is making you ill. I would do a financial audit and see how much you need to have a month to survive, then to enjoy yourself (not the same amount) and then see what you can cut back on or how you could add to your income. Savings are not that valuable at the moment, as in they are usually on a very low interest rate, so personally I would keep a month or two's salary as a cushion and consider what to do with the rest. I know several people who take lodgers, the rent a room scheme is good (tax free up to a certain amount) although not sure how much people want to do this in the middle of a pandemic.

Are you in the position where any conversation with your manager would change things, if he or she thought the alternative was that you would leave? Or has that bridge already been tried in the earlier conversations you mention. You do have to be 100% prepared to leave if your requests are ignored though, otherwise it is an idle threat nothing else.

Not of much help, but your observation about central business support functions is spot on. Sorry.

Honestly I used to think no job was worth the mental health stress of a bad job. In October 2019 I left my job for similar reasons, thinking we’ve got a bit of a money buffer I’ll find something else. Of course I did then the pandemic hit and I was made redundant. Then I found another job only to have that revoked the same day I was supposed to start. So I’ve been jobless for well over a year now. We have used all our savings and I’m absolutely struggling to find a job now (industry and competition). Find something else first or at least have a plan for at least a year because I didn’t and it’s kind of ruined me.

I would start job searching on NHS and other reliable companies too OP. If you feel you need time out I wouldn’t hesitate to get a sick note so you can concentrate on job searching.

I recently transferred (NHS too). I went on sick before doing so for a couple of months.

You do what’s best for you because they will hire someone else in a flash OP.

I’ve been in your position- also lone parent so no other income to fall back on.
5 years ago I was being hideously bullied by my boss. It stripped me of my confidence and I was crying all the time, I was really down. My notice period was 3 months and I wanted to hand my notice in but I took advice from people who said it was too dicey to and to find something first.
I wish I hadn’t listened, I did find a job but I was definitely in that job 3 months too long and it took me a long time to get over it.
5 years later I am really happy in a much better paid job so you will get there. It’s just not worth being so unhappy.

Really feel for you. Please try counselling and some time off before quitting. It's a good job. You need to get some perspective and take a step back. You can't solve the public service issues! You will need to learn switch off techniques and you will come back stronger to deal with problems that won't go away but you will be better able to manage. I've been there. Counselling, a new attitude and a new ability to say no has meant I stayed in my public sector job, secure but much calmer.