To leave my job? I'm utterly desperate

[Dollygirl2008]

I'm in a fairly well paid job £40k in a public sector institution and have been there over 20 years.

I don't know where to start. I'm a single parent and own my house (well, mortgage) and have some savings in the bank due to some inheritance.

Here's the thing. Work is making miserable and will soon make me ill. I mean miserable - I don't sleep, my personality has changed, I feel sick all the time. It's been getting like this a while due to cuts etc, but now we have new management in who don't seem to understand or care about the background, and are intent on pushing forward. I'm WAY out of my depth with tasks and teams I'm responsible for, and they're answer is just "get some resource". But how do I get resource when I'm not even sure what it is I need! I know I sound pathetic and I know the advice is to talk to managers etc etc, but believe me I've tried. Some of the systems I look after are failing but no one seems to invest or help me to replace, despite asking - begging. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and the weight is unbearable. I feel like a failure and that doesn't help my constant panic.

They're now taking about creating a central support function which I would head up. This will be a nightmare. Firstly it's on top of an already challenging role, but also, all the "crap" parts of the business will be pushed into it for me to sort out, because no one has been able to face them in the past.

I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my life. Please help

Ps - reading this back, I've tuned into someone I don't recognise. I sound pathetic but it's actually desperation

Move, don't quit. It makes me so mad that your layer of management are squeezed dry between unrealistic and underfunded commissioning (which ends up more expensive in the long run) and a broken and patchy workforce who are viewed as expendable fodder and whose skills are not valued or retained. I think you are honourable for not considering the sick route, but if you get sick please discuss it with your doctor. Can you refuse the new responsibilities and ask HR for redeployment options including lower grades?

Have you documented any of this in your supervision meetings? Is there any chance to get more support to help you when you raise your concerns? Twenty years is a long time to work there. Could you look for an internal move to a different role maybe even part time if you could afford the drop in salary? Your health is so important, you can't go on as you are.

Does your employer offer any access to coaching? If so, grab it - a few hours talking to a trained coach who has no vested interest in what you decide to do could be hugely helpful. At least it could help you to decide whether you're still invested enough in your current workplace to look at your options around building your confidence to push back on resource issues, requesting a move to an equal/lower grade role instead of moving into the role they're planning, or whether you want a clean break and need the coaching to focus more on deciding what you want to do and boosting your confidence to start applying for things.

I stayed , it broke me mentally. Its honestly not worth it op.

Are you creating a paper trail of your concerns? It’s no good just speaking to them as if/when the shtf as you would have no proof that you were aware there was a problem. Raise it higher if necessary.

In the meantime, go and speak to your GP about getting signed off for a week or two to give you some breathing space.

Thank all so much for your advice.

I think I know what it is. I've had to keep so many tasks close to me because I've either not had anyone to help, or not the right skill set to help. If I go sick, I'm so worried of how it will affect the department and people left, that I'm not sure I could ever face them again. Does that make sense?

No, I've not really had the "I'm at my wits end" conversation because I've been sweeping it under the carpet. It's rushed in this weekend.

And I don't mean this to sound big headed, but I'm like the glue that holds my area together. Without me, it would cause a lot of people stress! Ironic.

Call it bad delegation perhaps

I would go sick citing work related stress. It is not your problem if things go south without you- that will make management realise the amount of work and that they need another team member to help you. Look for another job whilst off sick.

If your willing to take any job to tide you over I’m sure you could apply for a transfer for any type of admin role just until you find something you want to do. It’s probably a massive pay cut but it’s better than being jobless.

Phone your GP. You manager may take note if they know your off work due to stress.

I was the same as you this time last year. Hated my job of 10 years, it made me ill, the company didn't care anymore, SMT changes every month. I half heartedly looked for another job but had been there too long I was frightened to leave even though I hated it.
Then in March I got Furloughed and in June got made redundant due to my branch closing. I have another job now, similar sector but the company is so much better, more established and hardly any risk.
My old manager stayed and is now bogged down and poorly with the amount of work and stress and is ready for a breakdown.

I had the choice made for me and I've never looked back but I wish I'd have done it before I got to the miserable hating stage

OP if you are paid well and wouldn't find something else quickly then maybe look at it another way.
You do what you can, to the best of your ability, within your paid working hours.
Send management emails each time you feel you don't have the staff/time/resource/training to complete tasks. So you cover your own back.
If they suggest further responsibility that you feel you can't manage, make this clear because of x,y,z.
Just put it back on them every time. It's then up to the to sort out, but you keep doing your job the best you can.
It's just a job, it's not your life. Jobs are how we fund our life.

This may be naive but would it help if you had an assistant?

Also at this point an appointment with HR to discuss your concerns and the unrealistic and unreasonable demands of your new senior manager. I would assume you aren’t alone in being overwhelmed by this.

And certainly take some stress time if you need to. It helps to have a breathing space and to review things at a distance. Taking a big salary drop and, presumably a drop in pension and benefits is a big step so I would say resigning shouldn’t be your first move.

Good luck.

I would definitely speak to your line manager and hr and follow up with an email . Plus look for another job as well.

Your employer owes you a duty of care and they can’t do that if they don’t know your situation. If they ignore your current situation they could be in big trouble .

I was like you, earning around £40k and the demands of the job were increasing every day. Redundancies were announced and I put my hand up and luckily I was accepted. Now I'm learning a language and will be doing some volunteering at the vaccination centre. Stress has completely gone and OH said I'm a different person! Lifes too short to put with crap.

I was in your position re work in 2016. I changed job and have never looked back. It took me two job changes to really get it right. Listen to your gut and get out while you can. It's very positive that you have savings.

You say other jobs nearby pay less - but if you got a job at 25k, you would hopefully feel better, and your savings would go further.
If I were you, I'd look for a job with a lower salary, and get out of the toxic environment. If something comes up back at your old salary, you can apply and move again.

I've been where you are. I dragged my feet with getting signed off, new management eventually bullied me so badly I couldn't bring myself to leave the house, got signed off sick. My only regret is handing in my notice before my sick pay was up.

I have now changed profession and am self employed. I tried working for an employer again but my job just broke my spirit and I couldn't cope even though new employers were lovely to me.

Don't stay so long it breaks you, don't feel guilty about going sick (because you are) and look for a new job.

Good luck!

I'm in tears reading your replies - you're all amazing.

I've just spent 30 mins on the phone to my ex (dd's dad) as we still get on and I still go to him for help and advice. He got it totally. In fact, he took redundancy last year for similar reasons when it was offered. He has basically said the same as all of you - time to start being honest with my lovely manager, and then my senior managers. Involve HR for the record. Ideally get signed off but to resign as a last resort - but to know that I can and that he'll support emotionally means the world

40k is not a lot to feel like that! Could you take a 10k drop in money? 30k jobs seem to come with a lot less responsibility in my opinion?

I have a different view which might be helpful. If you’re in a public sector job you’ll have a decent pension and good job security. You sound utterly burned out. In your shoes I’d get signed off with stress, take a proper amount of time off and let yourself recover fully - which will take time, a couple of months tbh. Your employer may have access to counselling which is absolutely worth using to help you sort through your feelings and help you manage your stress levels and determine whether you do need a change.

You may find that once recovered you’re in a better place to work in a way that puts less stress on you, to delegate better and stop being so protective of others. It also gives you time to negotiate a sustainable return to work which your employer would be well advised to put in place on the back of you having had long term sick leave.

If you still think the job is unmanageable, you’ll be in a better place mentally and emotionally to find something else. Going to a new job while so burned out won’t make for a good start and you may find the same difficulties somewhere new, because you’re so stressed.

Your workplace would need to manage without you if you left, your colleagues would still need to muddle through but taking time off to get into a better headspace gives you a chance to protect your job security. Part of the issue is a misplaced loyalty to your colleagues which is stopping you make decisions that are in your own best interests.

Sorry, I wouldn't without another job, even with savings. It's not always that easy to move from from public to private sector. Who knows what further cuts there will be in the near future in either the private or public sector? It could take a long time to get another job and working somewhere new for less than two years leaves you extremely vulnerable should redundancy hit and with our economy in shreds, it seems like a gamble.

Could you look for an internal transfer instead? I'd advise you to go to your GP and get signed off with stress to take some time out and think about you options.

How about a formal request for flexible working i.e. go 0.6 contract. often going part time gets viewed as going down a grade and management may have fewer expectations.

I would try that first whilst simultaneously looking elsewhere. Also, have you considered requesting parental leave? It's a right to have blocks of unpaid leave and they have to give it to you as it's a statutory right. Might give you a breather.

This is what I did:

Work out if you could survive on the minimum wage. If so then see what there is available in you area that you would almost definitely get, warehouse work, Royal Mail, caring roles etc. I'm in the southeast and despite Covid you can still walk into these jobs.

I did a min wage job for a year and loved it. I was ecstatically happy to be out of previous awful job which was similar to yours now.

Then I got a much better job and all has worked out brilliantly.

Good luck.

I just love the positivity and advice. I'm finally beginning to breathe