To leave my job? I'm utterly desperate

[Dollygirl2008]

I'm in a fairly well paid job £40k in a public sector institution and have been there over 20 years.

I don't know where to start. I'm a single parent and own my house (well, mortgage) and have some savings in the bank due to some inheritance.

Here's the thing. Work is making miserable and will soon make me ill. I mean miserable - I don't sleep, my personality has changed, I feel sick all the time. It's been getting like this a while due to cuts etc, but now we have new management in who don't seem to understand or care about the background, and are intent on pushing forward. I'm WAY out of my depth with tasks and teams I'm responsible for, and they're answer is just "get some resource". But how do I get resource when I'm not even sure what it is I need! I know I sound pathetic and I know the advice is to talk to managers etc etc, but believe me I've tried. Some of the systems I look after are failing but no one seems to invest or help me to replace, despite asking - begging. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and the weight is unbearable. I feel like a failure and that doesn't help my constant panic.

They're now taking about creating a central support function which I would head up. This will be a nightmare. Firstly it's on top of an already challenging role, but also, all the "crap" parts of the business will be pushed into it for me to sort out, because no one has been able to face them in the past.

I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my life. Please help

Ps - reading this back, I've tuned into someone I don't recognise. I sound pathetic but it's actually desperation

He's right, try to stop being in work mode. The world won't stop, you're just stepping away for a while. Limit yourself to one email communicating 'must handovers'

Bloody well done, dolly. That is great.

Do a brief and limited handover - key facts, not a full rundown on all processes, procedures and details of every project, just where people can find the information they require - and do that today as soon as you can. Get the GP appointment and do not make light of how you are - you do NEED to be off so please tell them you are not sleeping through stress.

And then yes, total switch off from work mode. Take the time. You need it.

Wow well done! Good luck with your recovery!

You've had some great advice here, not sure I can add to it but just wanted to say, you are 100% reasonable in any action you decide to take. It sounds intolerable. I work in public sector, 2 diff organisations spanning 13 years and it can be so tough. Constant cut backs and mantra of doing more with less. Only positive thing I can say is it seems to be cyclical, I've been where you are twice and both times a change in senior management has resolved the situation but that's def not to say you should sit and wait it out, just to say there may be light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.

It sounds like you're not paid well enough for the level of responsibility that you have. TBH I'm recruiting for 2 roles at the moment that a decent administrator who wanted to branch out could do, starting at £40k. No line management and excellent career prospects in a high-demand specialism.

Either do some serious delegation with your manager on-side or start looking for something else.

You’re obviously well thought of to be suggested for promotion so you must be better at the job than you think. However, no job is worth making yourself ill over. I felt overwhelmed like you and cut my hours to part time and ditched some responsibilities. Obviously this involved a pay cut, but as they didn’t want to lose me I negotiated a reasonable deal. Maybe you could look into doing something similar. I feel like a weight has been lifted and with hindsight I don’t know how I kept going for so long. Put yourself and your health first. Good luck!

Just thought I'd update incase this thread can help someone else.

So yesterday afternoon, the next boss up called me. Normally very bullish but he couldn't have been nicer. Told me to take time, and they will look after things. I felt quite brave at that point and said what I felt was wrong and how this had come about.

I called the doctor and she has signed me off with stress and anxiety for at least a month.

Anyway, I've felt exhausted today but relieved, so I've given myself a duvet day. Tomorrow I'm going to call Talking Space as recommended by the doctor to try and get some help for my nicety and worrying which I now know is stopping me from getting perspective.

So that's where we are. Work know some of the reasons I couldn't cope, and I'm going to try and get the help and strength I need. I do wonder how successful these breaks are from work, and whether you can ever truly go back, but I want to be strong enough to try!

That is a really positive update. Allow yourself to recover.

This is an opportunity to reset your boundaries. I wonder how often you feel able to say no to requests. It’s hard skill for women to learn as we are socialised to be nice and helpful. I think a talking therapy can give you skills that have a positive benefit so you can deal with situations in a way that reflects your needs too.
Yes you can come back after time off
www.bbc.com/news/business-51201550

@Dollygirl2008

Just thought I'd update incase this thread can help someone else.

So yesterday afternoon, the next boss up called me. Normally very bullish but he couldn't have been nicer. Told me to take time, and they will look after things. I felt quite brave at that point and said what I felt was wrong and how this had come about.

I called the doctor and she has signed me off with stress and anxiety for at least a month.

Anyway, I've felt exhausted today but relieved, so I've given myself a duvet day. Tomorrow I'm going to call Talking Space as recommended by the doctor to try and get some help for my nicety and worrying which I now know is stopping me from getting perspective.

So that's where we are. Work know some of the reasons I couldn't cope, and I'm going to try and get the help and strength I need. I do wonder how successful these breaks are from work, and whether you can ever truly go back, but I want to be strong enough to try!

A duvet day is an excellent idea! And you’re seeking help too. It may not feel very positive right now but it’s all heading in the right direction. Keep us posted!

Well done!

Well done!
Really do take time to unwind

@Dollygirl2008

Just thought I'd update incase this thread can help someone else.

So yesterday afternoon, the next boss up called me. Normally very bullish but he couldn't have been nicer. Told me to take time, and they will look after things. I felt quite brave at that point and said what I felt was wrong and how this had come about.

I called the doctor and she has signed me off with stress and anxiety for at least a month.

Anyway, I've felt exhausted today but relieved, so I've given myself a duvet day. Tomorrow I'm going to call Talking Space as recommended by the doctor to try and get some help for my nicety and worrying which I now know is stopping me from getting perspective.

So that's where we are. Work know some of the reasons I couldn't cope, and I'm going to try and get the help and strength I need. I do wonder how successful these breaks are from work, and whether you can ever truly go back, but I want to be strong enough to try!

How are you getting on OP?

It’s not pathetic at all! I’ve worked in the public sector since leaving Uni, not quite as long as you but not far off, and the landscape has changed so much for the worse in that time. The way it feels to me is that it’s just like walls crumbling - austerity and being expected to do more with less (we’re not bloody magicians), departments working in silos, culture becoming more and more toxic every year.

Last year was going to be the year I made the big break - mmmmm.

It was a tough decision to come to, longevity is quite a security blanket and I kept thinking well better the devil you know.

My DP has his own business which I often help out with and I could have easily have copped out and started to be a bigger part of that but I want my sphere away from kids and DH IYKWIM.

Although it hasn’t come off yet because of COVID just finally making the decision was like a weight being lifted and has made me feel better able to cope. And it’s been over a year since I made and I have not wavered despite COVID.

I have been looking and there’s quite a bit around which I was surprised about (I’m in Birmingham area). A lot says currently home based though and I think it is better for team integration and training to leave it until we can have some office time.

I honestly don’t think bow is the best time for you to do it, but what I think this time has given me is the ability to really think and research different industries and employers in the private sector (that is definitely where I’m going or if I can). I also think you might be able to achieve a similar salary with slightly less responsibility than you’re being expected to take on from my research.

Just do it!

The just do it was like for looking for a new job not just leaving. It’s so bloody tempting but that’s not the answer.

I’m so glad you’ve gotten signed off. It’ll will give you time to regain your equilibrium and give some proper thought to what you might do next.

You so obviously need that time to breathe and sleep and to grieve too. It’s a tough time with loss and hormones and work pressures.

I am glad you didn’t resign. You deserve the financial security / pension etc that your role has provided. I wondered about a work coach/counsellor to help you remake your systems. You can come through this with a real sense of freedom, to be honest and supported. Whatever choice you make after your rest and with reflection will be the right one - so much better than jumping quickly. Move on if it is right for you after your return. You are clearly enormously capable and bosses take advantage of that.

Thank you all - this thread continues to be a huge source of support.

Well I'm in my second week of being signed off and I feel SO much better just having that stress taken out of the equation for a while. I realise that's the not the answer, but it's taken me nearly this long to stop worrying about what I've left behind and often wonder if people are cursing me! I've spoken to Talking Space and have set the ball rolling for help with the anxiety and worrying, and have my next appointment next week. I've also spent some time looking at the job market and getting my CV updated. I also have a close friend who was in HR where I work, so she is helping also.

Ive got a little routine going now and keeping busy but still taking time to relax. I've read a book, cooked my daughter dinners from scratch, and even had the boiler serviced - not to mention the routine medical appointment that we all hate, but have to have!!

My stomach still flips at the thought of going back, but it's one day at a time, and who knows what will happen!!!

@Dollygirl2008

Thank you all - this thread continues to be a huge source of support.

Well I'm in my second week of being signed off and I feel SO much better just having that stress taken out of the equation for a while. I realise that's the not the answer, but it's taken me nearly this long to stop worrying about what I've left behind and often wonder if people are cursing me! I've spoken to Talking Space and have set the ball rolling for help with the anxiety and worrying, and have my next appointment next week. I've also spent some time looking at the job market and getting my CV updated. I also have a close friend who was in HR where I work, so she is helping also.

Ive got a little routine going now and keeping busy but still taking time to relax. I've read a book, cooked my daughter dinners from scratch, and even had the boiler serviced - not to mention the routine medical appointment that we all hate, but have to have!!

My stomach still flips at the thought of going back, but it's one day at a time, and who knows what will happen!!!

That’s all really positive, well done! Great news that you’re feeling better already. Happy to help with a career coaching chat (a free one) whenever you’re ready to think about it. A job shouldn’t make you feel like that x

Lovely update. You needed space to decompress. It’s impossible to make decisions when you are so overwhelmed. Take your time and carry on enjoying the small normal things that make life enjoyable. One step at a time.