To leave my job? I'm utterly desperate

[Dollygirl2008]

I'm in a fairly well paid job £40k in a public sector institution and have been there over 20 years.

I don't know where to start. I'm a single parent and own my house (well, mortgage) and have some savings in the bank due to some inheritance.

Here's the thing. Work is making miserable and will soon make me ill. I mean miserable - I don't sleep, my personality has changed, I feel sick all the time. It's been getting like this a while due to cuts etc, but now we have new management in who don't seem to understand or care about the background, and are intent on pushing forward. I'm WAY out of my depth with tasks and teams I'm responsible for, and they're answer is just "get some resource". But how do I get resource when I'm not even sure what it is I need! I know I sound pathetic and I know the advice is to talk to managers etc etc, but believe me I've tried. Some of the systems I look after are failing but no one seems to invest or help me to replace, despite asking - begging. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and the weight is unbearable. I feel like a failure and that doesn't help my constant panic.

They're now taking about creating a central support function which I would head up. This will be a nightmare. Firstly it's on top of an already challenging role, but also, all the "crap" parts of the business will be pushed into it for me to sort out, because no one has been able to face them in the past.

I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my life. Please help

Ps - reading this back, I've tuned into someone I don't recognise. I sound pathetic but it's actually desperation

One thing I learnt from my own experiences is that no one is indispensable.

Hi I was in the same position years ago.I had been at my job for 25 years and loved it until new management took over.
I was literally sick every morning before going in to work.One morning I just could not do it anymore.I rang in sick went straight to my GP.She was brilliant and signed me off for 2 weeks.
Long story short I ended up being off for 4 months which was unheard of for me.I never took time off. During that time though 3 family members died, so that compounded the problem.
I stayed with the same company though and took a totally different job as a team leader .
Never looked back.I was very lucky though.The difference and the relief was unbelievable.
Hope you can sort it out.Life really is too short to live like this .Good luck

@blue25

Going off sick will be mentioned in your reference & won’t look great to future employers obviously.

I wouldn't want to work somewhere that judged people for being unwell. It's not a holiday, it's being signed off because your job is so awful it's harming you.

Not all references will mention being off sick you may be able to negotiate an agreed reference - your Union may be able to help.

Secondly, time off sick in the middle of a pandemic is going to stand out less than it usually would.

Thirdly, if it does come up say truthfully that it was a delayed reaction to the unexpected death of my mother. So a one off rather than a recurring problem.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Its easy for everyone to say oh get signed off with stress when it's not them picking up the tab. I've been a civil servant for most of my working life and have seen dozens of colleages going off for 6 months on the sick with "stress" leaving everyone else to pick up the slack. The stress is usually them throwing their toys out the pram when they didnt get their way over something.

Funnily the minute they stop getting full pay they make a full recovery and appear back at work after their nice holiday at home.

If you are a civil servant, then there are literally thousands of jobs out there, try the Civil Service Website. Or reduce your hours. Or try actually talking to someone and mediation. But going off on sick and leaving your colleagues in the shit is crappy behaviour.

Do you know if going of work due to Stress really has know repocussions? The only 2 people I know who went on Stress related sick leave both ended up leaving the (private) company.

In one case, the person had about 2 weeks off, then was the first person to be made redundant when the company lost a big contract.

In the second case, the person was off for a while, then attempted to come back, then was off again, then was offered a page to leave.

Just saying this, because I think all those saying, sign yourself off sick don't understand the full implementations. I have seen this on a few MN threads were people offer advice that they might not go with themselves.

(Disclaimer, if you genuinely are mentally ill due to work, I am not saying you should ignore the symptoms)

You sound utterly burned out.

You seem to think you are indispensable. That's understandable. But you're not - no-one is.

What would happen if you were to leave? Nothing. Your organisation would plod on without you.

It sounds to me like you're so bound up in your work that you've lost perspective a bit.

I was like this once. I had a very heavy job (long hours and stressful) when I was expecting dd. I was too busy to look after myself. I didn't go to my scans out of guilt and ended up ill with an infection.

I handed in my notice out of desperation because I could tolerate it no longer. The day after I left dd was born at 29 weeks. She was fine but the outcome could have been very different.

Please look after yourself and remember that if push came to shove, you'd be dumped by your company without a second thought.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Its easy for everyone to say oh get signed off with stress when it's not them picking up the tab. I've been a civil servant for most of my working life and have seen dozens of colleages going off for 6 months on the sick with "stress" leaving everyone else to pick up the slack. The stress is usually them throwing their toys out the pram when they didnt get their way over something.

Funnily the minute they stop getting full pay they make a full recovery and appear back at work after their nice holiday at home.

If you are a civil servant, then there are literally thousands of jobs out there, try the Civil Service Website. Or reduce your hours. Or try actually talking to someone and mediation. But going off on sick and leaving your colleagues in the shit is crappy behaviour.

This is a really really unkind post.

I’ve been there OP, however, we are currently facing unprecedented economic challenges. I would advise against leaving this job until you find a new one.

@tttigress
I know people working in the City who have successfully returned after being signed off with stress. For others, it gave them a chance to protect their mental health whilst they found a new job. Better someone takes some time off before they break completely than grimly hang on until they have a full breakdown.

[quote ChazsBrilliantAttitude]@tttigress
I know people working in the City who have successfully returned after being signed off with stress. For others, it gave them a chance to protect their mental health whilst they found a new job. Better someone takes some time off before they break completely than grimly hang on until they have a full breakdown.[/quote]
I agree with that, but the OP needs to asses her own situation.

Not follow a load of random people on the internet who pile in and say sign yourself off sick it is easy. I am just trying to balance the argument that there maybe some negative consequences.

That is all I was trying to say.

So many of you have articulated how I feel and what I need to say so beautifully that I've spent some time this afternoon writing notes. I need to unburden myself.

And for the record, I've had 2 days off sick in the last ten years!

Following your update do please consider that you are perimenopausal and consider HRT. Do not get fobbed off with antidepressants. I'm certain there are NICE guidelines that say women of our age must be offered HRT before antidepressants are tried. Maybe someone can link?

HRT was life changing for me at your age. I was not coping at work, a very toxic place, but looking back, menopause meant that I just couldn't weather the shit that I normally could. I did get out and it was much better however had I known HRT was such a game changer I could have avoided unnecessary counselling, antidepressants and a lot of other coping strategies that were not working.

It only took them about a week to kick in.

I really do suggest parental leave if you have an under 18 year old child and can afford to be unpaid for this time. It's a statutory right and you can 4 weeks of it per year for each child. Would give you the breather you need and not adversely affect attendance or references.

go to your doctor and get a sick note, then you could go to the bullish boss and explain that your doctor is concerned about your health and is signing you off work for a month or two, say you are sorry but your health has to come first then look for another job, i assume you will get sick pay or do you have any annual leave you have not used, go home and take some time for yourself, maybe your boss will learn that things need to change and he can't just tell someone "to get on with it". good luck x

Sorry all - I'm getting anxious again now the dark night is setting in.

This is the first step to a better way forward - right?

Yes it is.

Baby steps. You're obviously used to people handing you a big tangled problem and being able to step in and solve it but this ones going to be more of a long walk than a sprint. Keep focused on the important thing - you.

Yes. You have acknowledged that there is a problem which is the first step. The only way is up now.

Thanks you - reading these messages mean so much - they're giving me strength. I'm trying so hard to hide it from the DD - she's 12 and it's just me and her but she's amazing

You sound like you're burned out. Definitely time to be looking elsewhere. Happy to have a chat to explore options if it would help? I’m a career coach with a public sector background - happy to give you a free hour on Zoom to help you work out what you want to do next.

This was me a year ago. Same salary as you but stressed beyond belief, anxious and not sleeping. I'm a single parent with a mortgage too. I left and got an admin role in a school. Half the salary but so much happier. I now get tax credits which helps but its still not as much but you just learn to adapt. You only get one life. Good luck 😊

Could you refuse the new role? Especially if it doesn't come with a pay rise.
And remind yourself that if their systems fail because of under-investment - is that your problem? £40k is an okay salary, but it's not so high that you're paid to give a shit! If it's public sector, you're probably dealing with the results of decades of under-investment and bad management - and it's not worth making yourself sick! Go in - do your job as best you can - and then switch off.

I have been in a really similar situation to you fairly recently, and there are some wise words in the replies (and some utter shite sadly!).

HRT - definitely look in to this. Few weeks of estrogen and I felt like I could take on the world instead of feeling like a failure! It gave me the extra boost I needed to get out and find a new job.

Getting a lodger - I'd avoid this unless absolute necessary. You could end up with a dream tenant, or equally a nightmare, and you just don't need any potential aggro right now.

Being indispensible - you know that's what they tell us when they realise they really would be up shit creek without us but equally are happy to continue using us as their doormat! It's false flattery to get you to go along with whatever nonsense they are cooking up and whatever 'role' (read: rubbish) they want you to sort out for them. Acknowledge (to yourself and them) your strengths and for anything they want you to do that isn't in your skillset ask them for some change management support - sounds like if services are being centralised you would need that anyway. Gently let them know they'll need to find an appropriate resource/funding for an assistant as you'll need to attend skills/training upgrades, and they won't know it but you will effectively use that assistant to help you get the space you need to leave.

So start to let go - now. It's hard, I know it is - you're a people pleaser and you want everyone to be happy/looked after (which is why you feel so bad about taking time off), but it's time to let go, you don't need to feel like this.

40k is a decent salary but even so I'm sure you could get same/more with private sector, and you know what, you are WORTH IT

MirandaWestsNewBFF - that is so unbelievably kind - I really will get in touch when I'm through this first hurdle. Thank you.

I'm reading every single comment even though I might not be replying to them all. They are utterly invaluable.

OP I've been in a similar situation to you fairly recently, and what I would say is let your line manager know how you feel, particularly as they are supportive.

It sounds like you are in fact excellent at your job, hence why they want you to do this new thing - but you know, you don't have to.

I was in the position where my wonderful project boss was leaving and my bosses boss thought I wanted to do her job - possibly with no pay rise or grade increase. Thing is I definitely didn't want to do it - I'm old enough to know what things suit me and what doesn't and knew that the stress would be too much. But I kind of muddled along for a while almost drowning under the weight of work and expectations- as it's not like my actual job had disappeared right - until I ended up in tears to my LM.

Thankfully she was hugely supportive and really helped me to pull myself back together. Big things for me was figuring out and agreeing my priorities and then letting the other stuff drop and deliberately not get involved. Also trying to get outside in daylight during middle of the day. But most of all what helped was having a good chunk of time of at Christmas where I consciously did not log into my computer at all, and do you know what - the world didn't fall apart.

I also read something by Norah Ephron I think it was, saying that at any point you juggle a number of balls, and at some points in your life you have to accept that some will fall, so the skill is in only letting the non breakable ones fall, rather than the truly important. I now consciously log off on time when I can and laugh about the non urgent balls I've dropped.

Is it possible for you to take some leave or even parental unpaid leave ? You need time to clear your head and think about this rationally and if you could do that without being signed off that might work for you, I'm not saying don't get signed off if you need to btw, just exploring other options.

I’d speak to manager/hr. You work for a public sector there will be procedures in place. I’d be reluctant to leave a secure job with benefits like sick pay. I wonder if you could negotiate a sabbatical. It would give you space and force them to deal with everything in your absence and probably realise it’s a 2 person job etc. Then phased return back. Good luck. Your mum is a massive thing to deal with. Lots of people will have cv gaps due to furlough in 2020/21 but yours is easily explained due to family situation.

@Dollygirl2008

MirandaWestsNewBFF - that is so unbelievably kind - I really will get in touch when I'm through this first hurdle. Thank you.

I'm reading every single comment even though I might not be replying to them all. They are utterly invaluable.

No worries, PM me any time. No one should have to feel like you do at the moment. Xx