To leave my job? I'm utterly desperate

[Dollygirl2008]

I'm in a fairly well paid job £40k in a public sector institution and have been there over 20 years.

I don't know where to start. I'm a single parent and own my house (well, mortgage) and have some savings in the bank due to some inheritance.

Here's the thing. Work is making miserable and will soon make me ill. I mean miserable - I don't sleep, my personality has changed, I feel sick all the time. It's been getting like this a while due to cuts etc, but now we have new management in who don't seem to understand or care about the background, and are intent on pushing forward. I'm WAY out of my depth with tasks and teams I'm responsible for, and they're answer is just "get some resource". But how do I get resource when I'm not even sure what it is I need! I know I sound pathetic and I know the advice is to talk to managers etc etc, but believe me I've tried. Some of the systems I look after are failing but no one seems to invest or help me to replace, despite asking - begging. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and the weight is unbearable. I feel like a failure and that doesn't help my constant panic.

They're now taking about creating a central support function which I would head up. This will be a nightmare. Firstly it's on top of an already challenging role, but also, all the "crap" parts of the business will be pushed into it for me to sort out, because no one has been able to face them in the past.

I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my life. Please help

Ps - reading this back, I've tuned into someone I don't recognise. I sound pathetic but it's actually desperation

Even though £40k is not the highest paid job in the world, it seems unfair that you are effectively being forced out of a pretty good job.

Could you not transfer to a different role in the organisation, or find a similar job, or just let all these things wash over you?

The very last thing I would do is resign without something similar to go to.

@Tellmetruth4

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Maybe seek some counselling in order to reduce stress. This could help.

In this market, I would not leave a job without another lined up. You could end up in a worse situation and with a worse employer out of desperation. Get another job then hand your notice in.

This ^

I was in this position near the end of last year. The company had pushed me so far there was nothing they could offer or say to make me stay. Although my new job is stressful (nature of the job) I feel way more supported and heard. Life’s too short to work a shitty job.

I think you need to see your GP pretty urgently and tell her/him what has been going on and how you are feeling. You’re dealing with the traumatic loss of your mum - I am so sorry - as well as hormone changes and a rubbish work situation. It sounds like you are taking far, far too much responsibility for the success of your organisation and you are neglecting your well-being. One advantage of working for the public sector is that you should have access to occupational health and sick pay when you need it. Well - you might well need it. If you go on for much longer as you are you will be of no use to your organisation and may find it impossible to work at all. Listen to these early warning signs now and take action before things get any worse. I would not make any big decisions until you have at least seen your GP and OH. Please do take care of yourself.

Have you thought about accessing a coach or mentor? There tend to be some decent offers in the public sector.

Reading your initial post I wondered if you're suffering from imposter syndrome as well as feeling you have to be a hero and do it all alone..,,some calm thinking space could bring invaluable perspective

If you are in public services are you a UNISON member? If not why not

They should be able to help you through this OP.

It sounds shit but sadly like a lot of jobs in the public sector right now.

I would get union advice and maybe get signed off for a few months.

why don't you offer to step back into a less demanding role and let someone else step up. The salary hit might be difficult but manageable. Plus someone may want the promotion and extra money

Msrosewater, you have hit the nail on the head. Absolutely spot on.

Thank you so much

I'm going to speak to my manager first thing and set this ball rolling. I have no idea what direction this ball is going or where it will end up, but I do know that it can't stay where it is.

I was bullied in a role and my immediate managers and project head did nothing to help. After a productive period or working away with the bully for 3 months they again wanted to work in a small office with them. They even disregarded advice from the Medical Officer of Health.

There were people depending upon me but in the end I had a breakdown and went on extended sick leave. There are times when you have to put yourself first and sweep the guilt on one side.

I was in a similar position to you op. Totally different sector but I too felt that I couldn't have time off, it would put immense pressure on my colleagues ( we were a small team and we had to keep safety ratios for looking after children) but something happened at work that was the final straw and I had 3 weeks off work. Do you know what? They all coped, the place didn't come to a standstill. Life went on. No one is irreplaceable. I went back but decided to leave. My boss tried to persuade me to stay saying they would change things, that they hadn't realised how stressful it was and my workload was huge. My mind was made up and I did leave, and they did change my role to one that was easier. I think maybe if you have time off, your bosses will look at your role and might change things.
They hate it when staff are off due to work related stress as it can be a reflection on them. You have also been through a huge life changing event which will have shaken you immensely. Don't underestimate grief.
Time away will allow you to heal, reflect on your job, and life maybe going in a different direction. Best wishes op

@Stopthewind

"time to start being honest with my lovely manager, and then my senior managers. Involve HR for the record"

I my experience none of this works, it's sticking plaster approach which is useless when the real problem is the underlying culture. And the process of doing the above is actually really stressful in itself. Managers, who are actually just as fed up as you are, will take things personally and then defend their own corner.

Big mistake to think that HR will support you in any shape or form. Their job is to protect the organisation.

Get out if you possibly can.

I agree with this to some extent. If you think your problems come from the whole structure and working culture of the company, then you'll not be able to change that.

In my old job I felt sick walking into the office in the morning.

I was a perfectionist, very concerned about doing things right, but the company saw that I was doing things well so piled more and more responsibility on me. It became impossible to do it all well, and I couldn't deal with letting people down. I felt very anxious that I wasn't completing all my tasks.

I talked to management, tried to get things to change, but despite them being lovely people, it was impossible. I eventually realised that the whole way the company structured its work just meant that it kept happening again and again.

The company was fine for people with a fairly "oh well, who cares if I do it wrong" attitude, but it was a terrible fit for my personality. I left, travelled and lived off savings for a while, then found a job that, while not perfect, is a much better fit. I'm so glad that I left.

The other thing to add: travelling and doing small jobs during that time helped me to really see which parts of the problem were me (and followed me whatever job I did), and which parts were the company.

I recognised that my perfectionism and anxiety are not helpful. So I try to work on that aspect of myself. But choosing a working environment that's a better fit has really helped.

@Dollygirl2008

Interesting about the menopause - I'm 49 so quite possibly! Also my darling mum took her own life last year - not sure I ever really got over that

Sorry about your mum. I think this is part of your stress - unprocessed grief. A week off is not enough. Start putting yourself first. Go and see your GP and tell them everything including about your mum. You need to get off the wheel to be able to see properly.

I've been a single parent in a shitty job so I get exactly where you're coming from. Move sideways or move down (for now) but move.

OP, there is some good advice here. You have been in the current organisation for 20 years+, so I am assuming that (a) you have valuable experience and (b) you have enjoyed some of that time (not at the moment clearly). You also say that you get on well with your immediate manager, which is a positive. Whatever you choose to do next, I think you need to stay in control of it - whether that is staying or deciding to leave. I would therefore suggest that you talk to your manager as you have suggested as a first step, but before you have that meeting I would send them an email including 1. request for meeting 2. purpose of meeting and 3. explaining that you have some concerns which are causing you significant stress.

By doing this you have a record of your concern, you also are able to set out that you are stressed (often easier to write than to say), and you also give your manager the opportunity to think in advance about how to help.

In terms of expectations, your first discussion is not going to resolve all the organisational issues you are facing, but you should be able to agree the order in which you and your manager will address them, and some timescales. You should then have a structured approach, and you have indicated that support is required. This is really important as you will know. The timescales need to be realistic but not so far in the future that you cannot see a resolution soon. Also I would have a discussion about a reasonable workload.

Hope it goes well - really difficult position to be in.

I left a job I was miserable in, but we have/had enough coming in without my working. If you can afford not to work for six months or have another income source I would do it.

I'm scribbling away making notes whilst staring at the four walls in between. I mus see to my daughter

Something has just hit me. How does it look to future employers if you've have an extended period of time off sick?

Its easy for everyone to say oh get signed off with stress when it's not them picking up the tab. I've been a civil servant for most of my working life and have seen dozens of colleages going off for 6 months on the sick with "stress" leaving everyone else to pick up the slack. The stress is usually them throwing their toys out the pram when they didnt get their way over something.

Funnily the minute they stop getting full pay they make a full recovery and appear back at work after their nice holiday at home.

If you are a civil servant, then there are literally thousands of jobs out there, try the Civil Service Website. Or reduce your hours. Or try actually talking to someone and mediation. But going off on sick and leaving your colleagues in the shit is crappy behaviour.

You are doing the right thing, it can't stay the way it is. One of my biggest regrets is staying in a toxic workplace for too long. Wish I'd have told them to shove it in my first week.

Get signed off with stress. It will force them to take a look at the set up and if occupational health get involved pressure will be applied for them to reduce the stress on you or put support in place. If you plan on resigning anyway, what do you have to lose by trying? Worst case scenario you leave anyway and get a month or 2 sick pay to get you through the lockdown. (Assuming you are UK)

@THisbackwithavengeance OP is over worked and is at breaking point. Also she doesn’t sound as though she just fancies a little holiday (not that there is any where to go at the moment). What is crappy behaviour is OPs boss. People often do this in sh*t companies. Perhaps companies need to look at why turnovers rates are a lot higher than others?

How old are you? Is early retirement an option. Public sector pensions are great & 20 years in one should be a decent amount

I've had time off sick. I just told the new employer the truth. It was a really awful workplace, I should have listened to my gut feeling when I went for interview and it ended up affecting my mental health so badly that it made me ill. I left and took 4 months off to recover and now I'm looking for a workplace that isn't like something out of village of the damned.

I don't think I used quite those words but that was it in a nutshell. I got the job and am still here 4 years later. I look forward to work now.

Going off sick will be mentioned in your reference & won’t look great to future employers obviously.

OP in response to your question about future employers and going off sick - this is difficult. To be honest, some employers will be put off by this, particularly stress related. I know this won't feel at all fair. You clearly need a breathing space, but if it is possible to avoid an extended period of sickness (and it may not be possible) then that would be better.

Get a GP appt and ask to be signed off sick.

Then search like mad for other jobs.

Do not just quit- you won’t be entitled to any state support if you make yourself unemployed. We’re in a pandemic and work is hard to come by.

Just scrape through for now until you can find a new role.

@Dollygirl2008

I'm scribbling away making notes whilst staring at the four walls in between. I mus see to my daughter

Something has just hit me. How does it look to future employers if you've have an extended period of time off sick?

I know someone that didn't get a role in the police (on the civil side) because they had been off for about 2 weeks in the previous year (job was offered then withdrawn).

The annoying thing is, that person had volunteered to be a special police officer!