To leave my job? I'm utterly desperate

[Dollygirl2008]

I'm in a fairly well paid job £40k in a public sector institution and have been there over 20 years.

I don't know where to start. I'm a single parent and own my house (well, mortgage) and have some savings in the bank due to some inheritance.

Here's the thing. Work is making miserable and will soon make me ill. I mean miserable - I don't sleep, my personality has changed, I feel sick all the time. It's been getting like this a while due to cuts etc, but now we have new management in who don't seem to understand or care about the background, and are intent on pushing forward. I'm WAY out of my depth with tasks and teams I'm responsible for, and they're answer is just "get some resource". But how do I get resource when I'm not even sure what it is I need! I know I sound pathetic and I know the advice is to talk to managers etc etc, but believe me I've tried. Some of the systems I look after are failing but no one seems to invest or help me to replace, despite asking - begging. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and the weight is unbearable. I feel like a failure and that doesn't help my constant panic.

They're now taking about creating a central support function which I would head up. This will be a nightmare. Firstly it's on top of an already challenging role, but also, all the "crap" parts of the business will be pushed into it for me to sort out, because no one has been able to face them in the past.

I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my life. Please help

Ps - reading this back, I've tuned into someone I don't recognise. I sound pathetic but it's actually desperation

"time to start being honest with my lovely manager, and then my senior managers. Involve HR for the record"

I my experience none of this works, it's sticking plaster approach which is useless when the real problem is the underlying culture. And the process of doing the above is actually really stressful in itself. Managers, who are actually just as fed up as you are, will take things personally and then defend their own corner.

Big mistake to think that HR will support you in any shape or form. Their job is to protect the organisation.

Get out if you possibly can.

I'm another one that was like you this time last year. Similar earnings, worked my way up to SMT level, and the go to person for over 200 people. It was too much and knew I had to go.

I was really keen to not sign off sick. I suppose I saw it as a weakness, but also I didn't want it to affect my future job prospects. I finally realised, that with my savings, I could be out of work for 12 months. I had a 3 month notice period, so took the bull by the horns and resigned.

The shock waves across my organisation were immense, but I kept smiling and talked about wanting to step back (I'm late 50's). I then started applying for lower level, part time admin jobs, and it wasn't half as hard as I expected to secure a role elsewhere.

I now earn half the salary, but work 3 days a week. I don't spare a thought about work outside my working hours.

There is a life outside your organisation. Be brave. You are worth more.

Are you peri or menopausal? My anxiety rocketed and my confidence plummeted at that time. I was so angry and pissed off all the time. Being on HRT has provided some relief.

Just a thought to drop into the pot.

When the new centralised function is created that would mean a new role profile.
Could you be honest that you don’t want to head it up? Say you’ll support them in setting up but don’t want to lead it and won’t apply for the role..
That will mean the need to move you sideways or make you redundant, and then at least you’d leave with a payout. The union might support you in insisting the new role is advertised if it’s materially different.

If you haven't already, make sure you put in writing to your manager that you haven't had the necessary training for this new expanded role and need help.

Apply for other jobs.
I have worked in 2 toxic jobs in the last 2 years. 1 I quit after 3 months. 1 I left after 9 months. A toxic job is so awful. Don't underestimate how damaging it is.

Interesting about the menopause - I'm 49 so quite possibly! Also my darling mum took her own life last year - not sure I ever really got over that

NONE of your posts address the real solution. Of getting your CV out there and getting a new job.

Why are you so opposed to the most simplistic solution?

@Dollygirl2008

Interesting about the menopause - I'm 49 so quite possibly! Also my darling mum took her own life last year - not sure I ever really got over that

How much time off did you have after that? I imagine that's part of your problem.

Take time off, forget about the job and think of yourself for a change.

Oh my goodness, that’s a hell of a thing to deal with. I’m so sorry for your loss and yes it will likely be impacting your capacity to cope and your mental health.

Take some time off, recover, deal with the loss of your mum and then look at your job with new eyes. I’d not make life changing decisions while unsettled and grieving.

@Dollygirl2008 I could've written your post! I can't take sick leave as I'm private sector and don't get sick pay only SSP. I would also be signing my own death warrant as I would be absolutely hated and wouldn't get a reference.

It's bloody hard I don't know what to advise as I don't know what route I should take. You're not alone!

I had a week off. Felt I couldn't have any more because of leaving colleagues in the shit!!!!!

Wow following your last update I think you may have reached burn out. The enormous emotional shock of your mum's suicide whilst carrying the stress at work has become too much. Your body is telling you it is struggling to cope. Listen to it. Take a good long break off with stress. Take the time to re-evaluate your life and get off the hamster wheel. Only when you are away from it and kind to yourself will the clouds begin to part and you will see what is important for your future. Best of luck. As you know only too well life is precious. Don't waste yours on work. Ponder do you live to work it work to live?

• God I wish there was an edit feature. Do you live to work or work to live? It is the balance that is important.

I agree with BlueSuffragette, you need a good period of time off work to sort yourself out. Work will cope, honestly.

I've had two jobs that made me cry at the thought of going to work. One I did for 5 years and it was 4 years too long. It was good money but I was happy to leave without a job to go to.
One I did for 5 months and I really knew before I started that I didn't want it. Also good money. Since then I've done minimum wage jobs and been skint but happy. Thing is on min wage I dont care if I hate it I just go find another min wage job. Or two if needs be. Much less stress .
I think the 5 year job put me off working in an office ever again. I'm currently in a job I dislike but dont hate, but with people I love and within walking distance of home. So less money but no travel costs. It's also part time so I'm not even there long. It's made me a nicer person. Which is good for those around me.
So my advice FWIW if you cant sideways move which you should be able to then leave. If your at the crying at the thought of going to work then leave or take a long time off sick.

Have you thought of taking some time off due to stress then when you are less stressed work 3 days a week. It’s likely to be far less stressful than giving everything up. That way you could reduce your outgoings maybe take in a lodger but try to get someone who goes home at weekends so it’s not as intense.
Good luck.

I had a week off. Felt I couldn't have any more because of leaving colleagues in the shit!!!!!

You’re not leaving colleagues in the shit, they’re all adults and can make their own decisions. Frankly you’re in the shit just now, the only person who can make good decisions for you is you. Better to stop now and recover than end up with months off work or worse.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I have a different view which might be helpful. If you’re in a public sector job you’ll have a decent pension and good job security. You sound utterly burned out. In your shoes I’d get signed off with stress, take a proper amount of time off and let yourself recover fully - which will take time, a couple of months tbh. Your employer may have access to counselling which is absolutely worth using to help you sort through your feelings and help you manage your stress levels and determine whether you do need a change.

You may find that once recovered you’re in a better place to work in a way that puts less stress on you, to delegate better and stop being so protective of others. It also gives you time to negotiate a sustainable return to work which your employer would be well advised to put in place on the back of you having had long term sick leave.

If you still think the job is unmanageable, you’ll be in a better place mentally and emotionally to find something else. Going to a new job while so burned out won’t make for a good start and you may find the same difficulties somewhere new, because you’re so stressed.

Your workplace would need to manage without you if you left, your colleagues would still need to muddle through but taking time off to get into a better headspace gives you a chance to protect your job security. Part of the issue is a misplaced loyalty to your colleagues which is stopping you make decisions that are in your own best interests.

I'd agree with that.

@Stopthewind

Yes but HR a also know that if an employee reports stress problems the employers would be wrong to ignore them and there must be certain protocols to put in place .

If they don’t and the employee loses their job they lay themselves open to claims. And now the employee may not have to pay to take the case to a tribunal .

It works both ways .

Which is why these problems should always be documented.

Even if you get a job that is different to anything you’ve done before you will have less pressure and end up enjoying it more. I’ve always loved cleaning jobs, reception jobs, supermarket jobs. You don’t have to take them home with you

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Maybe seek some counselling in order to reduce stress. This could help.

In this market, I would not leave a job without another lined up. You could end up in a worse situation and with a worse employer out of desperation. Get another job then hand your notice in.

@Oblomov20

Because when you are 49 and have been in a job a long time it takes a lot to make that jump to a new job . You have to be in the right place mentally to cope with that . Which is probably why the OP does need some time off tbh .

Look at it this way, OP.

If you are signed off for a month, they will have to find ways to address the underlying issues and train some people up to take on elements of your role.

So that when you return the issues will be better understood and management will have the ability to support you better.

You are not responsible for your colleagues. You are a single parent and you MUST prioritise your health. That is the responsible course of action.

Please stop putting your colleagues first - before your own wellbeing. They wouldn't do the same for you. And your past this now. If you take a step back and things 'fall down' then management can see that things aren't working. You can't be the sticking plaster for the whole department.

I think your action plan is this:

• get signed off for stress
• seek support through counselling services or whatever else the doctor / your organisation can provide
• work out your finances and put together a proper budget. This will help you apply for other roles at a lower salary point that won't jeopardise your lifestyle
• research how to get a lodger and how much rent you can reasonably expect to receive so you can consider if this is something you'll need / want to do
• job search within the public sector knowing the minimum income you need - to keep job security and pension
• list what needs to change at your current job to make it manageable
• consider a phased return to work but only if the conditions necessary for your return are met. This will, of course, involve conversations- but only when the time is right. Don't worry about this bit now.