To leave my job? I'm utterly desperate

[Dollygirl2008]

I'm in a fairly well paid job £40k in a public sector institution and have been there over 20 years.

I don't know where to start. I'm a single parent and own my house (well, mortgage) and have some savings in the bank due to some inheritance.

Here's the thing. Work is making miserable and will soon make me ill. I mean miserable - I don't sleep, my personality has changed, I feel sick all the time. It's been getting like this a while due to cuts etc, but now we have new management in who don't seem to understand or care about the background, and are intent on pushing forward. I'm WAY out of my depth with tasks and teams I'm responsible for, and they're answer is just "get some resource". But how do I get resource when I'm not even sure what it is I need! I know I sound pathetic and I know the advice is to talk to managers etc etc, but believe me I've tried. Some of the systems I look after are failing but no one seems to invest or help me to replace, despite asking - begging. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and the weight is unbearable. I feel like a failure and that doesn't help my constant panic.

They're now taking about creating a central support function which I would head up. This will be a nightmare. Firstly it's on top of an already challenging role, but also, all the "crap" parts of the business will be pushed into it for me to sort out, because no one has been able to face them in the past.

I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my life. Please help

Ps - reading this back, I've tuned into someone I don't recognise. I sound pathetic but it's actually desperation

I've been where you are OP, and unfortunately I find myself in a very similar position now (except I've been at my current public sector employer two years). I'm also a single parent on a similar salary to you, and am almost in tears at the thought of work tomorrow. I can only wish you all the very best, and yes I think you are doing the right thing here.

The effects of stress in the workplace cant be ignored anymore, and you need to look out for number 1 the same way an employer does. Your child and you are worth more than their job. If you can find something else that you can live with financially then go for it.

Ok so I managed to sleep until 4am which is a bonus.

I feel sick to the stomach but I feel some strength in knowing this has to happen. My boss, although a lovely chap, I don't think really understands how serious this is even though I outlined it in an email to him last night.

OK - meeting at 9.30. Thanks for all your messages, advice and strength

A lot of what you've posted sounds very familiar. My boss had an unshakeable belief that I could cope with anything up to and including the outbreak of nuclear war so you can imagine the shock he had when I burst into tears during a Teams 1:1. I honestly wish I'd done it sooner.

If all they've ever seen from you is 'throw it at me and I'll catch it somehow' he's probably hoping you just need a bit of a pep talk. Stick to your guns, explain what you need, make sure he understands what will happen if you don't get the support you need. Good luck, will be thinking of you!

Op you need to go sick to take some time to recover.
Or else you will crack up and really be off sick with a nervous breakdown.

Get on LinkedIn and make a plan to leave.

Do not care about who you leave behind in the office. They clearly don't care about you.

Good luck!

Although £40k is a good salary, it's not enough to lose sleep and be permanently stressed.

A friend of mine was in a very similar position: he was the glue that kept everything together and running properly, his holidays were constantly interrupted, he lost sleep, extremely high stress no stock options etc. If he left, everyone thought the business would collapse as he was so crucial.

In the end it was too much and he found another job. His departure didn't really affect the company in the end, even though we all thought the opposite. He is infinitely happier now!

I hope your meeting goes well today. Demand what you want from your manager. Good luck!

Leave! I felt the exact same way for years and was scared to leave, as I was on an over six figure salary and a single parent and I never thought I would be able to find anything similar. Anyway, as soon as I started looking (in April during the hight of the pandemic) I found my absolutely dream job at a higher pay and now I look back at years at my previous firm as a nightmare that happened to someone else. I cannot begin to explain how much better I feel. Quit and never look back!

So glad you've taken this step. Hope everything goes well for you.

Haven't read the whole thread but get signed off sick to get yourself some breathing space. If you try and carry on then what you're feeling could well develop into depression or an anxiety disorder if you haven't already. Use the time off to get your cv together and look for a new job so you've got a headstart on it.

So sorry about your mum.

Good luck with your boss . Be firm with your desired outcome. You need and deserve support.
Friend or not he cannot fail you , he has a duty of care to you and ultimately responsibility for the department. It’s not all on your shoulders .

Ps ... you sound lovely , give yourself a break and take care
Everything wil be ok , it really will .

Good luck today. Make a plan, start to take back some control so you can gain some clarity in small steps. And to get that you may need time off sick with stress or a ‘virus’ for a couple of weeks. Both my DH and amazing SIL had to do the same. Both ended up SO much happier in different roles eventually (both had 3mth notice periods).
Definitely consider the impact of menopause. HRT is a god send for some and time to process your grief sounds very over due. Big unmumsnette hugs

Well done, Dolly - you’ve taken the hardest step. In your meeting, please impress on your manager that you are not sleeping. You need some proper rest and recovery time and they need to come up with solutions to support you not ask you to tell them how.

I'm told frequently how they could never do without me, "you'd better not leave" etc, but so much of it is UNachievable and way out of my comfort zone and skill set

This first bit should work in your favour. They want to keep you so you have room to say 'I am at the point of quitting unless there's a way to fix this'. Good luck.

Hope your meeting was productive

Good luck today! Fingers crossed for a decent outcome!

Wow you lot are incredible. Never underestimate the power of Mumsnet!

Ok so I've had the first meeting with my manager - he was brilliant. He understood everything and basically said that I need to speak to the doctor today and get signed off sick. Had a really good talk.

I've said that I will email
Him today to put some helpful information together for my absence - he said not to, and to switch off, but I said it will make me feel better. He will then talk to management and my team.

So there we go. It's started. I'm terrified where this will lead but I just know I couldn't have carried on like this

Brilliant news and it’s good that your manager is being supportive. They will manage without you! You just need to focus on you now and get some next steps in place x

Well done you!
And speaking from experience no salary is worth that much stress.
You will find another job.
Take this time to have baths in the middle of the day, and let your head get back together.

Great news, well done

That's fantastic news, well done OP. XX

Don't be terrified. That's your anxiety talking. In a few days you'll feel calmer and wonder why you were so afraid of taking this vital step.

Great news.
Now for some stern advice. Do not access your work emails etc. not even to answer a quick question. You need a complete break. If anyone contacts you about work outside of the usual process for checking in on someone who is off sick refer them to your manager.
If Occupational Health or equivalent offers access to any counselling or support services consider using them when you feel ready.
Think about what you like doing and do it. If singing along to the Sound of Music puts a smile on your face then get warbling
Don’t be surprised if you crash in a few days as you have probably been running on adrenaline for the last couple of months.

Fab news. Well done OP.

This is great news, I'm so glad your manager was supportive.

You do need to do that email about anything outstanding, this is a way of you debriefing and handing it back. When you do it, tell your manager that you're going to put an auto reply on your emails, referring any enquiries to someone else. That way, you won't be tempted to dip in.

I say get out. Resign. But as PP advised, if at all possible, have another job lined up. I didn't, and when I resigned in Feb I thought I'd easily get something else. Then...pandemic lockdown.. and i've been struggling to even get a few days work in the past year.
Life is too short - stop and change now - but be careful.