Excluded from family because we didn’t go for Xmas lunch

[Glenorma]

DH, his two sisters and his mother have a “Family” chat where they message each other with photos of the grandkids, info about what’s happening in their lives, plan meetups (when that was allowed) etc. They were always complaining that DH is crap and didn’t take any photos of the kids, didn’t respond when asked when he’d like to meet or which restaurant we should go to, etc. They would ask him repeatedly and then end up texting me because he wasn’t responding. So they added me to the conversation to make it easier. Several years passed.

At Christmas MIL wanted us all to come for lunch. It would have been allowed because we are 3 households plus a single mum who is bubbled with MIL so doesn’t count. But I didn’t feel comfortable mixing because I have an immune disorder so I asked DH to decline. He didn’t. Weeks passed.

In the end I messaged and said very sorry but we won’t be coming because of my health issues - we’d prefer to stay safe until I get vaccinated, hope we can meet by Easter.

MIL immediately removed herself from the conversation. Nobody else ever sent a single message in that conversation ever again. I found out from SIL that MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself, etc. I texted and called her but got no reply.

A month has passed. My SILs have contacted me separately to pass on a few photos, ask me what DH would like for his birthday, usual stuff. They seem fine with me. MIL has never contacted me again. She needed to drop something off for DH while he was out so she sent her neighbour, presumably because she didn’t want to see me.

Today I saw a text pop up on DH’s phone and realised they have set up a new Family chat that doesn’t include me. DH is being his usual crap self and not bothering to reply or send any photos. So basically I’ve been excluded, but more importantly my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.

I actually find it very hurtful to be excluded from the family like this. I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us. I’m also wondering what will happen when we’re allowed to meet up again? Will I not be invited? Or is MIL expecting me to turn up and be civil after she’s treated me like this, and just pretend everything is normal?

Perhaps set up a group with the sister in laws while MIL is sulking. Send a chatty message asking how they are and talking about your kids. Don’t mention MIL or the separate group from which you are excluded.

Is your MIL usually such a narcissist?

Do what @TestingTestingWonTooFree said and definitely prepare for another melt down show from MIL

So your DH is basically a cardboard cut-out and not an actual person?

I’d just replace him with one of those cutouts of Han Solo, at least it would be eye candy, if you can’t have an actual sentient human companion.

Why is your DH allowing this to continue? Why doesnt he leave other group?

I agree with PP.. Set up with SILs and keep it light..

I’d be expecting my husband to say something about this, tbh.

Threw her Christmas decorations in the pond and threatened to kill herself? You're well shot of her, enjoy the peace!

Set up a 'cousins' group with just your SILs if you want to exchange photos of the children. Leave your bonkers MIL to her tantrum.

I actually don't agree with the PP. Your MIL is punishing you for something outside of your control - your health. She needs to grow up.

Your DH needs to stand up for you and stop appeasing this behaviour. Get the SILs onside preferably first and then make the point to MIL that she needs to get over it.

She flung the Christmas decorations in the pond?!?

Jeez we’ve all had a bad year - my children couldn’t even see their father on Christmas Day because we suddenly had to isolate - but she needs to get a grip.

Your MIL sounds insane. Your DH was thoughtless and inconsiderate in not telling her immediately you wouldn’t go for Christmas lunch, BUT her response is totally OTT and disproportionate.

People are dying NOW because they broke rules at Christmas and mixed. And because Govt naively told people they could mix before they changed the rules (they should never have promised people a normal Christmas).

You did the sensible and responsible thing. Your MIL sounds deranged. She should apologise to you before you can move on.

It’s a sad, fraught time, but now is not the time for family to get mad at you because you haven’t visited! A visit could prove fatal.

@YoniAndGuy

So your DH is basically a cardboard cut-out and not an actual person?

I’d just replace him with one of those cutouts of Han Solo, at least it would be eye candy, if you can’t have an actual sentient human companion.

Hard to disagree with any of this.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare! I agree with PP, just focus on the other members of the family.

Jesus what is you husband actually doing about this??

Crikey is mil usually so dramatic and ott

Why on earth do you want to be included in such a toxic bunch?

I agree that you should set up a separate group, just you and the SILS without MIL. They will probably welcome it, as they will be interested in what you and their brother, and nephews/nieces are doing. This is particularly so as I suspect the other group will fall away as your DH doesn't seem to be interested in it, or pay much attention to it.

Maybe there'a a reason your dh has distanced himself from the family rather than just him being a bit crap.

OMG she threw her Christmas decorations in the pond?! That's very disturbed behaviour. I'm guessing that your husband and his sisters have normalised this crap because they've grown up with it but it's not normal.

Your husband has a decision to make. Is his loyalty to his wife and children of his toxic mother?

I'd be thankful that MIL has shown her true colours - set up another group for SIL's kids and hope you don't get invited to her family events. I tried very hard with my Husband's family but in the end I let them drop, my Husband is in the family whatsapp, which I'm happy about as it's my get out clause, (well you could have told DH ....).

Your husband needs to man up and deal with this situation for you !!

Your MIL sounds unhinged. Leave her to it. If you get along with your SIL then keep in touch with them. I would be expecting DH to speak to his mother though and letting her know that he stands with you and he doesn’t condone her odd and unpleasant behaviour.

Your husband isn't doing anything or participating in the group. But as this is his default, to all intents and purposes he is carrying on as normal ie standing by while the rest of the family excludes and blames his wife. For having an illness.

It's time for him to step up and tell them that it was a joint decision not to meet for Christmas, with rising covid numbers it was the right thing to do and he will not sit by and watch them exclude you for a joint decision. Either they invite you to the group and treat you as before or he leaves. It sounds like the SiLs are too scared of her to want to rock the boat

DH does not want an argument. You do. It is not for him to fight your battles. Be an adult and fight your own battles. Or better still don't waste your time fighting fights that don't need to be fought.

I know it hurts op but consider it a major blessing! No more drama or pandering to your mil batshit needs , enjoy the peace and put a rocket up your lazy dp bum. Tell him it’s his family he can deal with it .

I don’t understand, your husband is getting the updates though. So the kids can hear. He just needs to pass it on

However if they don’t want to talk to you personally they don’t need to.

Did uou post about this befor? Were you the woman who posted and asked if you’d been rude in how you told your mil and were told yes basically you were?