Excluded from family because we didn’t go for Xmas lunch

[Glenorma]

DH, his two sisters and his mother have a “Family” chat where they message each other with photos of the grandkids, info about what’s happening in their lives, plan meetups (when that was allowed) etc. They were always complaining that DH is crap and didn’t take any photos of the kids, didn’t respond when asked when he’d like to meet or which restaurant we should go to, etc. They would ask him repeatedly and then end up texting me because he wasn’t responding. So they added me to the conversation to make it easier. Several years passed.

At Christmas MIL wanted us all to come for lunch. It would have been allowed because we are 3 households plus a single mum who is bubbled with MIL so doesn’t count. But I didn’t feel comfortable mixing because I have an immune disorder so I asked DH to decline. He didn’t. Weeks passed.

In the end I messaged and said very sorry but we won’t be coming because of my health issues - we’d prefer to stay safe until I get vaccinated, hope we can meet by Easter.

MIL immediately removed herself from the conversation. Nobody else ever sent a single message in that conversation ever again. I found out from SIL that MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself, etc. I texted and called her but got no reply.

A month has passed. My SILs have contacted me separately to pass on a few photos, ask me what DH would like for his birthday, usual stuff. They seem fine with me. MIL has never contacted me again. She needed to drop something off for DH while he was out so she sent her neighbour, presumably because she didn’t want to see me.

Today I saw a text pop up on DH’s phone and realised they have set up a new Family chat that doesn’t include me. DH is being his usual crap self and not bothering to reply or send any photos. So basically I’ve been excluded, but more importantly my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.

I actually find it very hurtful to be excluded from the family like this. I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us. I’m also wondering what will happen when we’re allowed to meet up again? Will I not be invited? Or is MIL expecting me to turn up and be civil after she’s treated me like this, and just pretend everything is normal?

Your mil is a sandwich short of a picnic.
Talk to your sils
No ideas about your dh

It’s all very well criticising the DH but maybe MIL’s crazed outburst wasn’t the first and he chooses not to engage much with her for a reason. Maybe he knew how she’d kick off about Christmas so bottled it. Unfair on OP, but people can get stuck in terrible FOG with toxic parents and that can run deep.

He should be sticking up for OP but there’s probably a back story here.

she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself

QUITE a spectacle!

Good grief.

Yes, set up another group with the SILs

Throw your DH in the pond.

You are well rid of MIL!

I'd not want her in my children's lives.

I wouldn't bother.His family, why would you care?

Well firstly your mil is fucking crazy! She threw the decorations in the pond and threatened to kill herself ?? That's unstable, unhinged behaviour!!

I'd be glad to have nothing to do with the mil to be honest, but I would contact each of the sisters and say something like "Hey, I see there's a new chat, look no worries, I am fine with no drama but I miss seeing pics and if the kids and dh is useless as you know so send them on to me every now and then if you get a chance, I miss them. Hopefully things get back to normal soon", if they say they will add you I would decline. I mean nobody needs that lunacy in their lives but just make an effort yourself with the sisters . If they don't respond then shrug it off and move on, they are your dh's family, don't let it effect you too much

I’d be pretty annoyed at your DH for accepting the request into the new group that excluded you. He’s condoning that behaviour.

I’d be tempted to ask him to leave the chat but that will make the situation worse. Not sure what other options you have? Get him to ask them to add you? Do you want to be part of it? You are right, it will be awkward when you finally meet up.

I voted yabu for being in the chat in the first place and for having a husband without any backbone

If your husband can't be bothered to deal with his family why are you?

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Perhaps set up a group with the sister in laws while MIL is sulking. Send a chatty message asking how they are and talking about your kids. Don’t mention MIL or the separate group from which you are excluded.

Don't tell my mum but actually this mini group already exists amongst our generation of sisters and sisters in law ... To be fair it's actually more about discussing what to get her for the upcoming mahoosive birthday than for bitching about her. But there have been a couple of conversations about her that would not have been appropriate in her presence.

Can I ask why you texted that you aren't coming for Christmas? Why not a phone call or pop round and stand in the garden 2m away. It seems a very cold way to give disappointing news to family. I appreciate it's your DH job to tell them and he didn't. But you have a relationship with these people. A text is so dismissive.

Only on here do I ever read these dramatic , needing to live in each other’s pockets weird family sets ups .

She threw the Xmas decs in the pond ?!?! Because you quite rightly want to protect yourself from Becoming ill n miss one Xmas dinner . Batshit
Id be pleased I was excluded

Is your MIL usually such a narcissist?
Unfortunately we haven’t always seen eye to eye because she has form for being selfish and huffy. She ruined my wedding and several other things. I try to be civil and not trigger her.

BUT her response is totally OTT and disproportionate
It always is. For example, one time in a shop she tried on shoes that looked very tight and narrow, so I said there’s a wide fit version here if you’d like to try it? She kicked off and started screaming SHE CALLED ME FAT!! DH had to drive her home and I had to get the bus because she wouldn’t share the car with me. She didn’t speak to me for weeks afterward. DH later said you have to keep your mouth shut! If her shoes don’t fit, say nothing. If she’s wrong, say nothing. Always say nothing!

Why is your DH allowing this to continue? Why doesnt he leave other group?
It’s his family. I wouldn’t expect him to cut them off.

I'm guessing that your husband and his sisters have normalised this crap because they've grown up with it but it's not normal.
They just shrug and ignore it, keep their mouths shut even when they don’t agree with her behaviour, and try not to trigger her. That’s why DH didn’t speak up and say we weren’t going for Xmas - because he knew what would happen. He’s happy because she’s still talking to him!

Why on earth do you want to be included in such a toxic bunch?
My SILs are nice ladies, I love my nieces and nephews and they’re my kids only family. I’m concerned that my kids are just being forgotten about, even when we’re allowed I certainly won’t be able to take them to visit MIL any more. And when we’re allowed to meet up am I going to be excluded from now on?

Also, when you texted you "hope we can meet by Easter" have your children been going to school all this time?
If so, they are mixing in a room with 30 families daily plus teachers, but you or your DH can't visit - albeit at the door - of his mum?
I think if there isn't a drip feed about his mum and other behaviour, that your DH needs to have a think about what he's doing.

How many days before Christmas did you tell them?

Why is your DH allowing this to continue? Why doesnt he leave other group?
It’s his family. I wouldn’t expect him to cut them off.

And there's no middle ground? Like a actual conversation about their bullying behaviour?

Why do you care? Your SIL are clearly not that nice if they've ditched and excluded you!

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance. They clearly aren't that bothered

That’s shit of them

This sounds like a blessing in disguise. You no longer have to have anything to do with an old woman behaving like a toddler

Wow decorations in the pond is a pretty epic tantrum!
I would tell your DH not to be so crap and start sharing pictures to keep you in the loop.

Why do you care about being excluded from such a bunch of tossers? Leave them too it and good riddance.

With the throwing things in the pond, she had probably built up Christmas as something to look forward to. Lots of posters on MN went overboard on preparations this year to make up for the hard year. If the OP's DH had told her a month before Christmas, it wouldn't have triggered her presumably. Slightly disrespectful to say it last minute.

I'd definitely start a whatsapp group with your SILs. Don't mention your MIL at all, just trade updates on the kids and each other.

BUT her response is totally OTT and disproportionate
It always is. For example, one time in a shop she tried on shoes that looked very tight and narrow, so I said there’s a wide fit version here if you’d like to try it? She kicked off and started screaming SHE CALLED ME FAT!! DH had to drive her home and I had to get the bus because she wouldn’t share the car with me. She didn’t speak to me for weeks afterward. DH later said you have to keep your mouth shut! If her shoes don’t fit, say nothing. If she’s wrong, say nothing. Always say nothing!

Well, to use a favoured MN phrase, right there shows us that you have a DH problem. If she was unwilling to share YOUR car with you, she should have been the one to give up her seat. The fact that DH allowed her to dictate that you couldn't get in your own car, and made you get the bus home tells you where you stand in his list of priorities. Christ on a bike.

Certainly sounds like a problem, I just don't see how it is your problem?

Leave them to it. It is up to DH to manage his family. If your SILs prefer to tiptoe around their mother rather than include your children then your kids are better off oht of the situation anyway.

Just forget about them. Not your problem.

Yeah, as others have said, MIL sounds cuckoo and your husband is useless. I understand that he doesn't want to be estranged from his family, but the least he could do is keep you and his children in the loop on the "family-only" group by sacrificing a few minutes of his precious time each week to forward photos back and forth.

If you can, I'd open up communications with the SILs. You've made an effort to speak with MIL and she's rejected you. I'd say it's up to you how things proceed when you're allowed to visit again. Either your pathetic husband can take the kids to visit and you use the time to relax at home or you go whether or not you're invited and act like nothing's happened.

I don't think you'll ever get an apology, but you haven't done anything wrong, so if you want to be a part of the group, I'd pretend everything was as usual. After all, MIL never deigned to reply to you, so (even though I'm sure she's well aware that you know you're being snubbed) technically you can remain blissfully ignorant and let it slide off you like water off a duck's back.