Excluded from family because we didn’t go for Xmas lunch

[Glenorma]

DH, his two sisters and his mother have a “Family” chat where they message each other with photos of the grandkids, info about what’s happening in their lives, plan meetups (when that was allowed) etc. They were always complaining that DH is crap and didn’t take any photos of the kids, didn’t respond when asked when he’d like to meet or which restaurant we should go to, etc. They would ask him repeatedly and then end up texting me because he wasn’t responding. So they added me to the conversation to make it easier. Several years passed.

At Christmas MIL wanted us all to come for lunch. It would have been allowed because we are 3 households plus a single mum who is bubbled with MIL so doesn’t count. But I didn’t feel comfortable mixing because I have an immune disorder so I asked DH to decline. He didn’t. Weeks passed.

In the end I messaged and said very sorry but we won’t be coming because of my health issues - we’d prefer to stay safe until I get vaccinated, hope we can meet by Easter.

MIL immediately removed herself from the conversation. Nobody else ever sent a single message in that conversation ever again. I found out from SIL that MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself, etc. I texted and called her but got no reply.

A month has passed. My SILs have contacted me separately to pass on a few photos, ask me what DH would like for his birthday, usual stuff. They seem fine with me. MIL has never contacted me again. She needed to drop something off for DH while he was out so she sent her neighbour, presumably because she didn’t want to see me.

Today I saw a text pop up on DH’s phone and realised they have set up a new Family chat that doesn’t include me. DH is being his usual crap self and not bothering to reply or send any photos. So basically I’ve been excluded, but more importantly my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.

I actually find it very hurtful to be excluded from the family like this. I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us. I’m also wondering what will happen when we’re allowed to meet up again? Will I not be invited? Or is MIL expecting me to turn up and be civil after she’s treated me like this, and just pretend everything is normal?

You sound so alone. If you had a better support network I promise you wouldn’t give a fuck about DH lunatic family.

MN gave me the courage to kick DH to the curb along with his whack job family. I started taking better care of myself, got myself a network of friends and sorted my self respect out.

Yes I did let him come back but it was the best part of a year later. In that period of time he got some therapy and realised for himself what his family was.

I know the timings not great but you need to join some clubs, get some hobbies and meet new/old friends. I promise it gets better

You've had some good advice here. I think you should get some counselling for yourself as it sounds like you don't even see a lot of this dysfunction as abnormal due to your own childhood. Better self esteem and a perspective on the situation will be a good starting point.

I'd be slightly concerned what your DH's parenting will look like as time goes on, based on how he was treated as he grew up. It takes great effort to patent differently from your own experience and needs acknowledgement that one's upbringing was far from optimum.

My MIL has some narcissistic tendencies. My DH recognised her behaviour was potentially damaging towards our own family unit and we distanced ourselves from ILs for a few years. Things were easier once the dc were old enough to stick up for themselves and DH always had our back and the dc's back.

I really feel for you OP. I always had great relationships with boyfriends mothers and expected that of the man I married.

I agree with other posters. Expand your friendship network, join a club or volunteer somewhere where you'll meet people of all ages.

If he invites his mum to your house then dont do a thing to help him, he can cook and clean and host. Focus on your kids, act as though she's not even there unless she says something to you or is inappropriate with the kids (eg. She says something nasty, speak directly to your kids "dont listen to that, it wasn't a nice thing to say" then refocus them on an activity with you). If she tries to start an argument just say "I'm not interested in arguing with you. If you cant respect me in my own home then feel free to leave
PLEASE do all this (and report back so we can enjoy it vicariously😶)

@Glenorma

In what way did she “ruin” your wedding? That is pretty heinous. I bought a second hand wedding dress. At this point we were still trying to be nice to each other. She offered to alter it for me. So I gave her the dress. Months passed and she didn’t alter it. I couldn’t afford a replacement. The week before the wedding I asked for the dress back and she took a hissy fit, saying she still had time to do it. DH for once in his life stood up to her. He picked up the dress from where she’d flung it in the bin, and he told her she would alter it as promised or else.

But she never called me for a fitting. DH still kept saying she had my measurements and the dress would be ready. I was stressed all week instead of being happy. And on my wedding day I still had no dress.

I phoned MIL repeatedly but got no answer. DH was away in a hotel with his best man and had no idea what was going on. I spent the morning crying and my mum was running around trying to borrow something for me to wear. SIL turned up two hours before the car was due to pick me up, with the wedding dress crumpled inside an Asda carrier bag. Wrinkled, unironed and still unaltered.

I got married in a borrowed pale blue prom dress. DH said don’t let it ruin our day, I’ll deal with it later. But he never dared speak to her about it, after our honeymoon he just let it go and said it’s past, there’s no point stirring the shit now.

Not relevant to the thread but it gives you an idea of her past behaviour. I’ve been civil to her for years for the sake of DH and the kids.

Omg that’s horrendous @Glenorma what an awful thing for her to do - you’re definitely a better person than me because I just wouldn’t have ever been able to forgive that although I’m guessing you never will but you’ve tried keeping things pleasant for years! With this that’s going on now you need to keep your head held high and concentrate on your own beautiful family. Yes it’s hurtful they’ve excluded you from the group chat, but that says more about them than you. Send a message to the sis in laws every now and then, how are you, how’s the kids out send a pic of yours etc - if they reply great and if they don’t - honestly let it go. You have done nothing wrong. Mil sounds completely unhinged and a nasty piece of work. WHEN it comes to Birthday parties or events etc (when we’re allowed) keep a smile on your face and if you’re ignored THEN is the time your husband must stand up for you. It’s tough, really tough, but you need to remember, she’s the one with the problem, not you xx