Excluded from family because we didn’t go for Xmas lunch

[Glenorma]

DH, his two sisters and his mother have a “Family” chat where they message each other with photos of the grandkids, info about what’s happening in their lives, plan meetups (when that was allowed) etc. They were always complaining that DH is crap and didn’t take any photos of the kids, didn’t respond when asked when he’d like to meet or which restaurant we should go to, etc. They would ask him repeatedly and then end up texting me because he wasn’t responding. So they added me to the conversation to make it easier. Several years passed.

At Christmas MIL wanted us all to come for lunch. It would have been allowed because we are 3 households plus a single mum who is bubbled with MIL so doesn’t count. But I didn’t feel comfortable mixing because I have an immune disorder so I asked DH to decline. He didn’t. Weeks passed.

In the end I messaged and said very sorry but we won’t be coming because of my health issues - we’d prefer to stay safe until I get vaccinated, hope we can meet by Easter.

MIL immediately removed herself from the conversation. Nobody else ever sent a single message in that conversation ever again. I found out from SIL that MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself, etc. I texted and called her but got no reply.

A month has passed. My SILs have contacted me separately to pass on a few photos, ask me what DH would like for his birthday, usual stuff. They seem fine with me. MIL has never contacted me again. She needed to drop something off for DH while he was out so she sent her neighbour, presumably because she didn’t want to see me.

Today I saw a text pop up on DH’s phone and realised they have set up a new Family chat that doesn’t include me. DH is being his usual crap self and not bothering to reply or send any photos. So basically I’ve been excluded, but more importantly my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.

I actually find it very hurtful to be excluded from the family like this. I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us. I’m also wondering what will happen when we’re allowed to meet up again? Will I not be invited? Or is MIL expecting me to turn up and be civil after she’s treated me like this, and just pretend everything is normal?

Set up cousin chat group.
Then leave your DH to engage/ignore other group.
And post Civid you make damn sure your DH does not invite his mum over and ask you to leave house. I'm still aghast he drove her home and made you get bus - I'd have told him to fuck right off then. He's married to you,not his mum.

I'm confused. Your MIL left the group, but presumably your SILs are still in it, so what is stopping you sending photos to them or vice versa through that chat regardless of whether MIL is part of it?
Nobody has sent a message in that chat since I said we weren’t going for Xmas and MIL flounced off. I messaged “Happy Christmas” on the day and got no response. So I guess we aren’t chatting any more. I’ve tried texting them separately but I get one or two messages in reply, maybe once every week or two. Not an ongoing chat like before. I guess I’m not part of their family like I thought I was. It’s very hurtful.

so after the shoes incident, your husband drove your twat of a MIL home but left you to get the bus?
I didn’t think it was fair to make an older lady take the bus in bad weather. I actually told him to take her home because she was hysterical.

She doesn't get to see your kids if she doesn't include you
I can see what’s going to happen here. Eventually there’ll be a meet up. I’ll say I’m not going because MIL isn’t speaking to me. And then DH will be annoyed and say: You have to! You’re embarrassing me if I’m the only one whose partner doesn’t go! You’re being selfish, you’re horrible, you hate my mother, etc. Then I’ll either have to go and ignore MIL and feel uncomfortable. Or I’ll have to let my kids go without me and not be there to protect them from her venom.

i agree with the post thats shes a narcissist. look up narcissistic mothers it would also explain why your partner as an adult child of the narcissist is probably unable to deal with this fallout and his mother.

agree set up separate group with SiLs

If Mil is too stupid/childish/selfish to recognise that there is a pandemic, restrictions apply to her as much as anyone else, and just because you can do something does not mean that you must, or should... sounds like you've dodged a bullet. Let partner deal with any fallout - or ignore it.

Sounds about perfect OP. If you want to interact with your SiL contact them directly. Ignore your MiL. And no she doesn't come to your house going forward.

This sounds like your H’sissue. He is the one who doesn’t communicate. Let him sort it all out.

Mind, you MiL sounds a tad over-dramatic. Maybe this why your H has distanced himself from her over the years. Have you spoken to him about his reluctance to engage?

Your MIL sounds insane. Your DH was thoughtless and inconsiderate in not telling her immediately you wouldn’t go for Christmas lunch, BUT her response is totally OTT and disproportionate.

To be fair, people who grow up with histrionic parents become very avoidant of family conflict. He probably needs some hefty therapy and a break from it all.

@EggyPegg

BUT her response is totally OTT and disproportionate It always is. For example, one time in a shop she tried on shoes that looked very tight and narrow, so I said there’s a wide fit version here if you’d like to try it? She kicked off and started screaming SHE CALLED ME FAT!! DH had to drive her home and I had to get the bus because she wouldn’t share the car with me. She didn’t speak to me for weeks afterward. DH later said you have to keep your mouth shut! If her shoes don’t fit, say nothing. If she’s wrong, say nothing. Always say nothing!

Well, to use a favoured MN phrase, right there shows us that you have a DH problem. If she was unwilling to share YOUR car with you, she should have been the one to give up her seat. The fact that DH allowed her to dictate that you couldn't get in your own car, and made you get the bus home tells you where you stand in his list of priorities. Christ on a bike.

Agree with this. Your husband is the bigger problem, your MIL is a red herring as one reason she behaves this way is because those around her allow her to. No way would I allow her to kick me out of my own car! Cheeky twat. She’d be the one getting the bus home!

The tantrum with the decorations being chucked in a pond is hilarious though. How did whoever witnessing that keep a straight face?!

So your husband doesnt respond to his family invites, doesnt tell his mother to grow up when she is hysterical, doesnt want to trigger her and is annoyed when you do by just being a normal person, and doesnt protect you from her nastiness.

What a prince

@BloggersBlog

So your husband doesnt respond to his family invites, doesnt tell his mother to grow up when she is hysterical, doesnt want to trigger her and is annoyed when you do by just being a normal person, and doesnt protect you from her nastiness.

What a prince

This. You have a husband problem before you have a MIL problem. If he doesn't back you why would she see anything wrong with her behaviour?

Or I’ll have to let my kids go without me and not be there to protect them from her venom.

Nope: he won’t protect his children from her. He’ll teach them to appease her bad behaviour. Tell him that if you’re not welcome, then your children aren’t either. Either you all go, or he goes alone.

He’ll put a lot of pressure on you to go because he won’t want to go without you and children there as a shield.

If he gives you the old “you know how she is” just tell him “and I can’t tolerate it, and that’s just how I am”.

Gosh your MIL sounds toxic, she's punishing you for protecting yourself against a deadly virus. I would cut her out as much as possible

My MIL also threw a strop the first Christmas I told her we weren't going to her house. Tears flowed etc. She was so used to always having her own way that she literally had a toddler tantrum when we didn't agree to her plans.

If your MIL is anything like mine, she will step it up a notch so be on your guard with her.
I'd recommend going low/no contact with her which is healthier all around. Of course this is easier when its your decision rather than hers but do you really want contact with this type of spiteful person.
Your DH should not have joined a new family chat group though. You are in it as a family unit or not at all. If she cuts you out, then she has to realise she is cutting out her grandchildren too.

Why the hell are you and dh letting her treat you this way? Bollocks to that, your dc are going to end up her puppets just like the rest of you. Do you really want that? Geez stand the hell up to her and stop this crap

"She doesn't get to see your kids if she doesn't include you
I can see what’s going to happen here. Eventually there’ll be a meet up. I’ll say I’m not going because MIL isn’t speaking to me. And then DH will be annoyed and say: You have to! You’re embarrassing me if I’m the only one whose partner doesn’t go! You’re being selfish, you’re horrible, you hate my mother, etc. Then I’ll either have to go and ignore MIL and feel uncomfortable. Or I’ll have to let my kids go without me and not be there to protect them from her venom. "

No you stop being a push over, tell your dh to grow a pair and stand up for you or f off to live with his precious mother.

My mother-in-law was rude to me once about 15 years ago, haven't seen her since, never went round there again
Only went in the first place to be polite and if she can't be polite back then I will swerve her in favour of something more interesting/enjoyable/useful etc😊

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Perhaps set up a group with the sister in laws while MIL is sulking. Send a chatty message asking how they are and talking about your kids. Don’t mention MIL or the separate group from which you are excluded.

This.

Your DH is the problem. You have no power here.

If he stands up for you - his mother will have to stop her feud or lose him and your children.

Does your DH know how hurt and excluded you feel?

Does he not care about this?

Does he care about upsetting his mother more?
Does your marriage feel a bit crowded?

If yes to all the above, then consider whether you have become the superfluous part of this marriage.

In what way did she “ruin” your wedding? That is pretty heinous.

Is she not interested in Face Timing your children, like many grandparents are doing at the moment?

If she gets this upset over you not coming to Christmas, and you did so for health reasons, she is basically saying she wants you dead...

And then DH will be annoyed and say: You have to! You’re embarrassing me

There’s your problem

You appease your husband so he gets to appease his mother.

You stop. He has the problem. He has to deal with it.

He lives with you and your children. He’s choice to make.

I can see what’s going to happen here. Eventually there’ll be a meet up. I’ll say I’m not going because MIL isn’t speaking to me. And then DH will be annoyed and say: You have to! You’re embarrassing me if I’m the only one whose partner doesn’t go! You’re being selfish, you’re horrible, you hate my mother, etc. Then I’ll either have to go and ignore MIL and feel uncomfortable. Or I’ll have to let my kids go without me and not be there to protect them from her venom.

As I said. You have a DH problem.

And then DH will be annoyed and say: You have to! You’re embarrassing me if I’m the only one whose partner doesn’t go! You’re being selfish, you’re horrible, you hate my mother, etc. Then I’ll either have to go and ignore MIL and feel uncomfortable. Or I’ll have to let my kids go without me and not be there to protect them from her venom.

Which is why you need to deal with dh about this now - preemptive strike!

As a pp put it (and I know this seems extreme but you're dealing with extreme people) he needs to be more afraid of pissing you off than pissing her off!

You need to be much more assertive.

Quite honestly with both you and dh appearing to be such passive people I worry about your dc both within and outside the family!

Learn some assertiveness techniques and use them!

Can't you set up a separate WhatsApp group with your sisters in law? That way you can organise meet-ups with them and for the children, circulate photos etc without all this ridiculous drama with MIL.

Your mistake was sending the text. That was your DH’s job. If he didn’t send a text would he have gone for Christmas? Would he have gone without you? Or would he have just not turned up. If the latter, he would have been in the dog house with his family. If either other option, you would have had your show down with your DH which sounds like that is well overdue.