Excluded from family because we didn’t go for Xmas lunch

[Glenorma]

DH, his two sisters and his mother have a “Family” chat where they message each other with photos of the grandkids, info about what’s happening in their lives, plan meetups (when that was allowed) etc. They were always complaining that DH is crap and didn’t take any photos of the kids, didn’t respond when asked when he’d like to meet or which restaurant we should go to, etc. They would ask him repeatedly and then end up texting me because he wasn’t responding. So they added me to the conversation to make it easier. Several years passed.

At Christmas MIL wanted us all to come for lunch. It would have been allowed because we are 3 households plus a single mum who is bubbled with MIL so doesn’t count. But I didn’t feel comfortable mixing because I have an immune disorder so I asked DH to decline. He didn’t. Weeks passed.

In the end I messaged and said very sorry but we won’t be coming because of my health issues - we’d prefer to stay safe until I get vaccinated, hope we can meet by Easter.

MIL immediately removed herself from the conversation. Nobody else ever sent a single message in that conversation ever again. I found out from SIL that MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself, etc. I texted and called her but got no reply.

A month has passed. My SILs have contacted me separately to pass on a few photos, ask me what DH would like for his birthday, usual stuff. They seem fine with me. MIL has never contacted me again. She needed to drop something off for DH while he was out so she sent her neighbour, presumably because she didn’t want to see me.

Today I saw a text pop up on DH’s phone and realised they have set up a new Family chat that doesn’t include me. DH is being his usual crap self and not bothering to reply or send any photos. So basically I’ve been excluded, but more importantly my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.

I actually find it very hurtful to be excluded from the family like this. I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us. I’m also wondering what will happen when we’re allowed to meet up again? Will I not be invited? Or is MIL expecting me to turn up and be civil after she’s treated me like this, and just pretend everything is normal?

In what way did she “ruin” your wedding? That is pretty heinous.
I bought a second hand wedding dress. At this point we were still trying to be nice to each other. She offered to alter it for me. So I gave her the dress. Months passed and she didn’t alter it. I couldn’t afford a replacement. The week before the wedding I asked for the dress back and she took a hissy fit, saying she still had time to do it. DH for once in his life stood up to her. He picked up the dress from where she’d flung it in the bin, and he told her she would alter it as promised or else.

But she never called me for a fitting. DH still kept saying she had my measurements and the dress would be ready. I was stressed all week instead of being happy. And on my wedding day I still had no dress.

I phoned MIL repeatedly but got no answer. DH was away in a hotel with his best man and had no idea what was going on. I spent the morning crying and my mum was running around trying to borrow something for me to wear. SIL turned up two hours before the car was due to pick me up, with the wedding dress crumpled inside an Asda carrier bag. Wrinkled, unironed and still unaltered.

I got married in a borrowed pale blue prom dress. DH said don’t let it ruin our day, I’ll deal with it later. But he never dared speak to her about it, after our honeymoon he just let it go and said it’s past, there’s no point stirring the shit now.

Not relevant to the thread but it gives you an idea of her past behaviour. I’ve been civil to her for years for the sake of DH and the kids.

If he didn’t send a text would he have gone for Christmas?
I was worried he’d say nothing until right before Xmas, let them make plans and order food, then say it was too late and try to push me to go. I wanted to make sure we definitely weren’t going. So I made sure they knew.

And you married him???

I'd have walked there and then. Surely you could see what you were letting yourself in for?

And you married him?
He hadn’t personally done anything wrong and we had 75 people sitting in the church. Would you have cancelled on your wedding day?

I wonder sometimes why anybody bothers investing anytime in In Laws, when you read on here that they usually drop you in a flash, if you divorced for example.

Forget about this woman.
Befriend you other in-laws, and link up on your own WhatsApp with them.

Omfg, I’d have barred her from the wedding, or better still not married her spineless son.

A friend got together with 6 others for Xmas lunch, under the Xmas day rules. They all got a negative rapid test the afternoon before and didn't go anywhere else.
5 out of 7 have now tested positive.
MIL sounds insane and horrible.

You've married into a toxic family; you've chosen marriage on setting "Very Hard." You'll be dragged into their shit for as long as you're married to your capitulating DH.

I think no matter what you do there will be pain, tbh. If you or DH stand up to them, there is a very real risk your family will be cut out. If you don't, you endure years of shitty, controlling behaviour. Or the most likely, in which your husband sort of but not really stands up for you whenever you reach the edge of sanity, and your resentment of him grows over the years until you finally leave him.

You think his behaviour was adequate in that wedding story?

"Or, most likely, in which your husband sort of but not really stands up for you whenever you reach the edge of sanity, and your resentment of him grows over the years until you finally leave him."

Perfect example wasn't it?

Op you sound extremely passive. Why would you leave it until your wedding day with no dress? Why in the week before would you not go to mil and get the dress off her? The day before surely? The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

Why are you worrying about what will happen in the future and
Letting mil decide what happens? Can't YOU decide what happens? I would tell your husband that you've had enough of this shit and either she treats you with respect or she doesn't see you or the kids until she makes the first move ie. invites you too or comes to visit when you're there.

Can't you see here that your DH is letting you down? He's letting you take the fall for all the chaos with her instead of being a team.

The shoes incident should have been: "No, mum, she didn't call you fat and you're being ridiculous and rude to my wife. We're going home now, do you want a lift with us or do you want to make your own way?". Not pacify her and make her feel like her tantrum was legitimate by forcing his own wife to get the bus.

The wedding dress incident should have been - MONTHS before - if it's not done by X date before the wedding, we'll be taking it back and getting it done elsewhere so we know it's sorted.

The Christmas thing should have been: we haven't ruined Christmas, there's a pandemic and we're doing what we need to to keep safe. I'll speak to you when you stop excluding my wife.

You seem to have picked up his extreme passiveness around her with all this talk of not triggering her. Tell her to grow the fuck up and if she can't stop throwing a tantrum, walk away, hang up, block her number for a bit, go home, whatever. Stop enabling her to keep making your lives a drama. And stop letting your husband make life difficult or shit for you just cos he's too scared to stand up to her.

Your DH is repeatedly letting you down OP. He has a wife and children of his own now wanting a “quiet life” at the expense of you isn’t on. At all.

Op you sound extremely passive. Why would you leave it until your wedding day with no dress? Why in the week before would you not go to mil and get the dress off her?
How is this my fault? I did go to get the dress off her. As I said, she kicked off. DH was furious with her and told me leave it, she WILL alter it or else, I‘ve put my foot down about this and you have to let her make amends. Every time I brought it up that week he just got increasingly annoyed, saying I’ve already taken her to task about this, she’s been told to do it by Saturday and she will do it. Even the night before he was still saying it’s fine, I’ve spoken to her and the dress will be there tomorrow. Basically he wouldn’t entertain any suggestion that his beloved mother was a bitch who was fucking up my wedding, he just wanted her to do the dress and make everything ok. I believed and trusted him - it was only when the day arrived and it was obvious the dress wasn’t going to appear as promised that I panicked. Of course after she’d done that he didn’t have the balls to tackle her about it, the same as he didn’t have the balls to tell her we weren’t going for Christmas because of my health.

@Glenorma I really think you need to recognise that your MIL hasn’t just developed these behaviours recently. Being a small boy growing up with such a mother cannot have been fun. Your DH has learnt unhealthy patterns of behaviour for dealing with her, but they are his coping strategies formed through trauma.

If you want his support, I think you need to express to him that you appreciate how difficult her behaviour must have been for him over the years.

The two of you need to reconfigure this so you are mutually supporting each other. He needs to know you understand it is difficult for him so that he can become less defensive of her and more vocally supportive of you.

Can't you see here that your DH is letting you down?
Yes, in all of those situations he should have spoken up to her but didn’t. He’s learned over a lifetime to say nothing to her otherwise she’ll take a huff or a hissy fit. So now he expects me to also let things go and keep the peace. That’s why I messaged her about Christmas, because I’m sick of it. He was keeping the peace by not telling her we weren’t going for lunch, and I was worried that if it went on long enough he’d push me to keep the peace by actually going. We finally reached the point where my personal health and safety trumped everything else, so I spoke up and made sure we wouldn’t be going, and she didn’t like it.

Your husband is spineless and doesn't want to stand up to mummy and uses you as distractions from him so mummy dearest can unleash her crazy on you. So his plan was to not tell mummy he couldn't go to xmas either, knowing you would do it for him and therefore get the blame and incur her wrath or you would change your mind and give in to her wants at the risk to your health as "it would be too late to let her know now, she has everything planned and bought all the food" etc. Either way he gets to use you as a shield from mummy's nasty behaviour. Not quite sure how you could have any respect for a man like that. I would have done nothing, not messaged her and not gone to xmas and let him deal with her tantrum when he either had to tell her himself or you all hadn't shown up. Not being in the group chat may well end up a blessing in disguise cause now she can't blame you and he has to deal with any fall out. Do not let yourself be added back when mil realises that you equal access to the kids, continue to let your husband deal with her and refuse to carry on being his shield.

What does he say when you ask him directly why he is handling it this way?

Being a small boy growing up with such a mother cannot have been fun
This is the main reason why I haven’t refused to see MIL before now. I won’t let DH take my DC to visit without me, because I need to be there to protect DC from her venom. I can’t divorce him either, because then he’ll take my DC to see the bitch every weekend and I won’t be there to protect them.

Wow and I thought my mil was bad. After what she did with your wedding dress I couldn’t forgive that - I wouldn’t be on speaking terms with her. She sounds spiteful and unhinged. I would distance myself from her - maybe set up a separate WhatsApp with your sils?

This is the main reason why I haven’t refused to see MIL before now. I won’t let DH take my DC to visit without me, because I need to be there to protect DC from her venom. I can’t divorce him either, because then he’ll take my DC to see the bitch every weekend and I won’t be there to protect them.

The contact after divorce thing would worry me hugely too.

You need him onside, need him to admit how toxic she is and that it isn’t good for any of you to be exposed to the batshittery. I think you need to be clever and sympathetic about it, though. He has been trained his whole life to put up with her crap.

After what she did with your wedding dress I couldn’t forgive that - I wouldn’t be on speaking terms with her
I literally only see her because I won’t let DH take my DC to visit her without me there to protect them. I can’t completely stop him taking his DC to see his mother, he would never agree to that. So I just make sure she never has unsupervised access. I’d much prefer never seeing her again but I don’t have that option.

Your husband calls you selfish and horrible after he's sat and passively let you be abused by his mum?

I'm honestly confused why you're still married to him, I really am. Few people would put up with being treated like this by their own spouse. If you stay with him and have this continue then more fool you.

Be wary of the lot of them. They’re all scapegoating you. It suits all of them that she is directing her anger at you as it gets them our of the the firing line. Things you say to the SILs are going to get back to her and they’ve already made it quite clear that she is the one they want to keep on side.

Sorry OP. I would suggest counselling as your DH needs some strategies for dealing with this. I’d google grey rock techniques too because you need a phrase like ‘I’m not to blame for this and I don’t want my kids dealing with it’ that you can keep saying to your DH

I don’t think you are going to find what you are Looking for in the group.