Excluded from family because we didn’t go for Xmas lunch

[Glenorma]

DH, his two sisters and his mother have a “Family” chat where they message each other with photos of the grandkids, info about what’s happening in their lives, plan meetups (when that was allowed) etc. They were always complaining that DH is crap and didn’t take any photos of the kids, didn’t respond when asked when he’d like to meet or which restaurant we should go to, etc. They would ask him repeatedly and then end up texting me because he wasn’t responding. So they added me to the conversation to make it easier. Several years passed.

At Christmas MIL wanted us all to come for lunch. It would have been allowed because we are 3 households plus a single mum who is bubbled with MIL so doesn’t count. But I didn’t feel comfortable mixing because I have an immune disorder so I asked DH to decline. He didn’t. Weeks passed.

In the end I messaged and said very sorry but we won’t be coming because of my health issues - we’d prefer to stay safe until I get vaccinated, hope we can meet by Easter.

MIL immediately removed herself from the conversation. Nobody else ever sent a single message in that conversation ever again. I found out from SIL that MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself, etc. I texted and called her but got no reply.

A month has passed. My SILs have contacted me separately to pass on a few photos, ask me what DH would like for his birthday, usual stuff. They seem fine with me. MIL has never contacted me again. She needed to drop something off for DH while he was out so she sent her neighbour, presumably because she didn’t want to see me.

Today I saw a text pop up on DH’s phone and realised they have set up a new Family chat that doesn’t include me. DH is being his usual crap self and not bothering to reply or send any photos. So basically I’ve been excluded, but more importantly my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.

I actually find it very hurtful to be excluded from the family like this. I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us. I’m also wondering what will happen when we’re allowed to meet up again? Will I not be invited? Or is MIL expecting me to turn up and be civil after she’s treated me like this, and just pretend everything is normal?

Your DH needs to leave the group. They’ll then add you when they get the message and if not, oh well.

my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.
I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us.

I'm confused. Your MIL left the group, but presumably your SILs are still in it, so what is stopping you sending photos to them or vice versa through that chat regardless of whether MIL is part of it? If MIL has started another group, you can't do anything about that, but you, DH and SILs can still use the group you have been using for the last few years to swap pics and stories of the kids etc., no?

You need to buy 2 belated Christmas gifts for yourself and your DH. 2 books by Susan Forward.
For your DH "Toxic Parents", and for yourself "Toxic Inlaws".

This is crazy behaviour from your MIL and nothing will change until someone steps up and refuses to accept it.
Your DH and SILs have been brought up with this lunacy so they won't find it easy.

@Glenorma

Oh and your MIL is one weird woman - be glad that you dont have to interact with her from now on So what do I do when (post Covid) DH wants to invite them over for tea? Am I not invited even though it’s in my own home? Do I not get invited to my nieces birthday party because MIL is there? Or do I have to face her after months of being excluded and pretend nothing has happened?

You just be yourself OP. Like nothing happened really. It is your MIL who has to think how can she face you. You have done this for your health, in the eye of the storm of a pandemic. It is not like you did not feel like going (I can see at least one PP has said something on such lines). They are in the wrong. Enjoy your quiet time. And wait till they face their own actions. Do not feed any further into it. And do not worry, your children are and will be ok. Better than with their mum ill because of one day per year big party.

I don’t think he’s crap as responding, he’s just not interested in photos and chat every few days. Or months. I talk to my mum every week but my siblings whenever we can be bothered.
I love my nieces and nephews and everyone loves mine but you just take it as read they’ll all do all the same stuff all kids do.
I feel bad that MIL has lumped you two together as being not interested but can’t you just set something up with the SIL’s anyway. Then just email photos to the MIL anyway when you have news.

Oh god. She sounds exhausting! You're well shot and do iou know, she's the one missing out on her grandchildren. I would do as Pp suggest and engage with the sisters separately

Do not get dragged into any hysterics! Ignore, you've done nothing wrong. She sounds like a drama queen and don't get dragged into any form of argument. Play dumb and take the moral high ground

You're well shot of her, enjoy the peace!

so after the shoes incident, your husband drove your twat of a MIL home but left you to get the bus?
You have a DH problem. He needs to have your back but doesn't because it makes life easier for him and doesn't care that life is harder for you.
He sounds like a twat as well.

Don’t set up another watsap group. It will escalate.

From experience a line has been drawn in the sand.

You either send a begging message to mil throwing your self at her mercy

Or ignore them back and see what happens. The rest of the in-laws havnt fallen out with you but they have chosen to take Mils side by keeping quiet. They have just disengaged with you till MIL let’s you back in the fold again.

You know where you stand within the family unit now.

If your dh invites them over they will look to MIL to how to respond.

I’ve been in a very similar situation, I chose to ignore it and when they came over the family were very sheepish and MIL acted as if I wasn’t there. It wasn’t pleasant at all.

Honestly look where you want to be, back friends with them all again or out of the circle. I chose to be out of the circle, it was lonely sometimes but I don’t regret it. Ex dh wound go to weddings and parties with the kids with out me.

If you want to be back in the circle your going to have to apologise profusely ( which will always put you on the back foot)

Omg you got the bus home while mike got a lift! No chance would I have let that happen! She’s ridiculous!

I’d get dh to add you to the chat! Your mil sounds pathetic and so does your dh for allowing her to act like that!

Dont let your MIL control how u feel. She is not your blood and you owe her nothing. If ur SILs are fine with u thats cool if ur MIL isnt thats cool too. U focus on u, be selfish and vent some anger out aloud if it helps! Ur MIL clearly does not care about ur wellbeing or health. Thats enough for me to cut of ties and be very off with her if she comes in ur presence. It will soon hit home.

I was going to say run away when you said she dumped her Christmas decorations in the pond.
From your update I would suggest you keep on running.

Yes to setting up a light hearted chat with your SILs but I wouldn’t press too hard as they could have been warned about contacting you.

You do have a problem with your husband.
Why the Hell did you have to get the bus when it was his mother who had caused the problem.

She sounds like really hard work, OP.

Are you sure you need to give a shit about her antics? I'm not sure I would, in honesty.

I agree that you should just start another group with the SILs and just leave her to it.

@Viviennemary

You excluded yourself by not going to the family Christmas and not replying till the last minute. Not saying your mil's reaction wasn't over the top. It was. But sounds like you were never very keen anyway.

I’d hardly say the end of November is last minute. None of us knew what was happening until the run up to Xmas this year.

at your h driving MIL while you take the bus.

Your h clearly doesn't give a shit about his extended family or you. (Hence not replying and muting chats) As hard as it is you need to consider detaching too because you're dragging your kids into this batshit crazy dynamic where they'll end up tiptoeing around her to avoid her tantrums,

Your h is useless. One thing for him to have a fucked up relationship with his mum but allowing her to treat you (and later your kids) like this is fucked up.

@Glenorma

Oh and your MIL is one weird woman - be glad that you dont have to interact with her from now on So what do I do when (post Covid) DH wants to invite them over for tea? Am I not invited even though it’s in my own home? Do I not get invited to my nieces birthday party because MIL is there? Or do I have to face her after months of being excluded and pretend nothing has happened?

Well if he does you have a DH problem, though to be fair, I think you do anyway.

He should sort this once and for all. If he wants to see his mother it happens outside your home.

If you want to welcome your sisters-in-law that's up to you.

But you have nothing further to do with his mother and he should be telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable.

BUT her response is totally OTT and disproportionate
It always is. For example, one time in a shop she tried on shoes that looked very tight and narrow, so I said there’s a wide fit version here if you’d like to try it? She kicked off and started screaming SHE CALLED ME FAT!! DH had to drive her home and I had to get the bus because she wouldn’t share the car with me. She didn’t speak to me for weeks afterward. DH later said you have to keep your mouth shut! If her shoes don’t fit, say nothing. If she’s wrong, say nothing. Always say nothing!

No, he didn't have to drive her home. You should both have left the shop and kept on walking.

If my DH had done that he would have been told to not bother coming home.

The rest of the in-laws havnt fallen out with you but they have chosen to take Mils side by keeping quiet
I agree but would add that if they see you refusing to toe the line they may also be emboldened to stop tolerating her nonsense

She sounds like a dream🙄

Your husband is a bit of a wet blanket isn't he.

Having a narcissist for a mother, I can understand why your husband and his siblings don't want to rock the boat. They will have had years of experience that you will never win an argument with a narcissist, it will always be your fault. So, it's better, for your own health, to just not engage.

I would distance yourself from your MIL. If DH invites her over for tea, go out and visit your family or take the kids to the zoo etc. Don't cook for her, don't buy her presents, just step back as you will never be able to do anything right. Leave your DH to do all of the communication and effort with his Mum.

I wouldn't want my kids to be around someone like that. My kids have never met my Mum and they haven't missed out.

If you like your SILs then do what people have suggested and set up another WA group and just be normal with them. Don't mention MIL. You've had a lucky escape!

Wow, your husband doesnt appear to value you much if he's prepared to put MIL's feelings and comfort over yours. It's him you need to be having serious words with

You have a DH problem not a MiL problem. She doesn't get to see your kids if she doesn't include you. She doesn't get to come to your house if she excludes you. You tell your DH to grow a pair and put his actual family first

You excluded yourself by not going to the family Christmas and not replying till the last minute
November isn’t “the last minute”. Christmas bubbles weren’t even announced until then. I’ve gone to the family Christmas for 15 years and the only reason I didn’t go this year is because of Covid.

You MIL is crazy, but why did you have to tell her?
Because DH refused to deal with it. He was doing his usual “say nothing and don’t upset her”. I thought it was unfair for them to be making plans and setting expectations when we already knew we weren’t going.

If I were you and my h said something about inviting MIL round I'd be laughing in his face. He's welcome to pretend nothing is wrong but I'd be getting on with my life and emotionally detaching,