Excluded from family because we didn’t go for Xmas lunch

[Glenorma]

DH, his two sisters and his mother have a “Family” chat where they message each other with photos of the grandkids, info about what’s happening in their lives, plan meetups (when that was allowed) etc. They were always complaining that DH is crap and didn’t take any photos of the kids, didn’t respond when asked when he’d like to meet or which restaurant we should go to, etc. They would ask him repeatedly and then end up texting me because he wasn’t responding. So they added me to the conversation to make it easier. Several years passed.

At Christmas MIL wanted us all to come for lunch. It would have been allowed because we are 3 households plus a single mum who is bubbled with MIL so doesn’t count. But I didn’t feel comfortable mixing because I have an immune disorder so I asked DH to decline. He didn’t. Weeks passed.

In the end I messaged and said very sorry but we won’t be coming because of my health issues - we’d prefer to stay safe until I get vaccinated, hope we can meet by Easter.

MIL immediately removed herself from the conversation. Nobody else ever sent a single message in that conversation ever again. I found out from SIL that MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself, etc. I texted and called her but got no reply.

A month has passed. My SILs have contacted me separately to pass on a few photos, ask me what DH would like for his birthday, usual stuff. They seem fine with me. MIL has never contacted me again. She needed to drop something off for DH while he was out so she sent her neighbour, presumably because she didn’t want to see me.

Today I saw a text pop up on DH’s phone and realised they have set up a new Family chat that doesn’t include me. DH is being his usual crap self and not bothering to reply or send any photos. So basically I’ve been excluded, but more importantly my kids have been excluded because they no longer get any photos or hear anything about them.

I actually find it very hurtful to be excluded from the family like this. I’m no longer getting regular photos of my nieces and nephews which I used to get every day or two. No updates on what people are doing. And they hear virtually nothing from us. I’m also wondering what will happen when we’re allowed to meet up again? Will I not be invited? Or is MIL expecting me to turn up and be civil after she’s treated me like this, and just pretend everything is normal?

I wouldn't bother.His family, why would you care?
Well I like my SILs and obviously I care about my nieces and nephews. It was nice to keep updated about the lives of family members. Only MIL is batshit.

Can I ask why you texted that you aren't coming for Christmas?
They don’t really do phone calls. Never have done. MIL rarely answers the phone if you attempt to call. And it’s easier to word a text carefully so as not to trigger MIL. Plus I didn’t really want to deal with her starting to scream and inevitably hanging up on me. If anyone was going to call it should be DH and he wouldn’t, because he didn’t want to deal with the screaming either.

I’d be tempted to ask him to leave the chat but that will make the situation worse
He says leaving the chat would be stirring the shit. He just accepted and muted it.

You are right, it will be awkward when you finally meet up.
Yeah. What am I supposed to do? DH says just cross that bridge when we come to it. But I think it’s worse to be excluded for months and then have to deal with the situation.

She wouldn't share a car with you, your family car? So you got a bus home?

And your husband let this happen.

DH problem.

Your DH sounds like mine. His family have a family chat, he’s crap at responding. There is a second one I’m on or SIL messages me separately if she needs to know something. Like you I have immune conditions, there was not a chance I was mixing over Xmas, no one took offence at all, they fully understood and expected we wouldn’t be mixing.

Your MIL needs to take her Issues out on her son for not responding to her not you.

Ignore it and just get on with your life. When you do see them make a point in asking if she salvaged anything from the pond after her tantrum.

I think youve done more than your fair share of being a go between for your DH and his family.
I would give it up now as all of your efforts have been in vain. You arent one of them and will never be. They only want DH and as he cant be bothered they have no-one. But thats okay. They dont want you or they would have invited you the new one or will have already created a Sils one. They didnt . So now you know and can sit back and have a nice quiet time.
Oh and your MIL is one weird woman - be glad that you dont have to interact with her from now on.

Also, when you texted you "hope we can meet by Easter" have your children been going to school all this time?
No - too young for school. We’re staying at home, our only risk factor is DH going to work, which is unavoidable and a very minimal risk because there are only 3 employees and they wear masks.

How many days before Christmas did you tell them?
When bubbles were announced at the end of Nov. Until then I was hoping we wouldn’t have to tell them because it would be forbidden.

It's your husband who's causing your children to be left out though isn't it? He is still in the group so could share the pictures etc with them. He is also the one who is allowing his mother to behave in this way towards you. That is the main problem here.
I wouldn't worry about the WhatsApp group to be honest. If SIL s are still friendly, just communicate with them separately. Mil sounds like you are better off without her. She will probably come round at some point once she realises she's the only one bearing a grudge.

Oh and your MIL is one weird woman - be glad that you dont have to interact with her from now on
So what do I do when (post Covid) DH wants to invite them over for tea? Am I not invited even though it’s in my own home? Do I not get invited to my nieces birthday party because MIL is there? Or do I have to face her after months of being excluded and pretend nothing has happened?

How can you be attracted to such a weak, passive and lazy DH who won't stick up for you?

You excluded yourself by not going to the family Christmas and not replying till the last minute. Not saying your mil's reaction wasn't over the top. It was. But sounds like you were never very keen anyway.

You've put up with a hell of a lot of bad behaviour from this woman and I'm afraid I need to quote an mn cliche - you have a husband problem not just a mil problem.

His (and his sisters?) "solution" is to keep tiptoeing around her and letting her get away with this bullshit.

That's not a solution that's pandering to her!

Get yourself over to the "stately homes" thread and I'd also recommend

outofthefog.website

And there's also a book often recommended which I'll admit I've not read "toxic in laws" by Susan forward.

In my case it's my family of origin who contain the toxic people my in laws were/are lovely

It's not healthy to keep placating these people and it's incredibly stressful.

You also seem in my opinion to place too much emphasis on blood connections.

Your children will be close to many people in their lives, will be supported and loved by many, few of whom will be family in terms of blood.

Family is about love, it's about being supportive and kind it's not about blood.

OP, it was self inflicted. You MIL is crazy, but why did you have to tell her? Why her son, your DH is not dealing with his mother? It is his family, he should be managing them, maybe it is time to extract yourself from this drama and let him deal with that

Your husband needs to talk to his mum and explain this was a joint decision and not to shoot the messenger. That if she wants to see your family again, that includes you. It’s your house too, she doesn’t come over if she is making you feel uncomfortable and it’s his responsibility to see to that. Have you had this conversation? Has he spoken to her about it?

YABU to put up with it.
Just set up your own chat and exclude your MIL
Sorted

MIL was going nuts, sobbing because she wasn’t getting her family Christmas, she flung the Xmas decorations in the pond, was threatening to kill herself

Bigger issues than a WhatsApp chat here! Is she ok? She sounds very unhinged.

YWNBU to decline Christmas lunch. Your DH obviously should've done it earlier, but maybe he was (rightly) concerned she would fly off the handle.

Wouldn't worry about the WhatsApp chat. They sound like silly 10 yos.. only worse as one of them has a violent temper. I know you say the SILs are good to stay in touch with, but they haven't left the chat have they? Or did I miss something? If they are sending you to Coventry at the behest of their terrifying mum, then meh. Wouldn't want to stay in touch with them especially.

Just leave them to it. They will get tired and invite you again.
They are more than stupid for doing so. And they will soon realised.
Your DH should take upon himself to make the point though

Agree with pps that I could not be remotely attracted to a man who ALLOWED his wife and children to be treated like this and who didn't bother his arse to manage communication with HIS family not even just from being lazy but being cowardly because he knows if he was the one to give voice to dissent he'd get a load of grief - the blame - himself

It suits him fine for you to be HIS scapegoat, that's a really shitty thing to do.

In your shoes I'd be reading him the absolute riot act and making damn sure he KNEW he'd not be getting away with that any more and I'd be expecting a full and sincere apology for all previous occasions where he's not stood up for you.

Totally unacceptable behaviour

How old is this woman?! I’ve never heard anything as ridiculous in my life.

Why are you OK with your DH treating you like his PA?

Your husband is far too passive in this!

Making you take the bus to take his overreacting ridiculous mother home should have had you drawing a real line in the sand: your DH should have been standing up for you.

Serious DH problem.

Your husband needs to deal with this.
It is precisely because it’s his family that he needs to step up and support you.
I’d feel pretty hurt that he’s enabling her to treat you like this.

This is going to be tough but I think you need to make 'D'H more afraid of upsetting you than of upsetting his mum.

He shouldn't be allowing you to be treated this way, but because you try not to make a fuss, try not to trigger her, generally try to play nice and don't kick up a fuss, you're enabling him to take the easy way out - upset you rather than his mum.

Reading between the lines of what you've posted, you're still young enough that this could go on for decades. If you don't stand up for yourself with DH and say you will no longer be treated this way and he has to sort it, this will build anger and resentment and kill the relationship.

Your husband is a wet blanket who just enables his mum's poor behaviour, and allows you to be the bad guy.

So your MIL knew at the end of December that you weren't going for Christmas, yet at Christmas went crazy and threw her Christmas tree in the pond over it. Hmmm
You are better off keeping some distance. Try to make more friends to socialise withand plan lots of nice activities with your own family once this is over. You can visit your SILs in the future on a one to one. No drama from your MIL that way.