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Original poster

Do you think Im being selfish?

204 replies

Zenab12 · 09/01/2021 13:10

Hi so, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and I would just like to know if people think I'm being selfish or over reacting?
I've always suffered with mental health problems( aniexty and depression) but it was triggered quite badly after I became a mum I think. I just suffer quite badly with a low mood.
I'm married with 2 kids (5 and 3) my husband is Pakistani and I'm British. A year ago my brother in law announced he was coming over from Pakistan to go to university here ( which my husband has payed for his entire education up until now as he is the oldest son and my sister in law doesn't give anything to my mil and fil) it's only my husband and his sister here, who is married with 3 kids ( there is cousins etc but they are very jealous and don't speak to both brothers) it was decided he would work part time with my husband when he came in between uni as my husband owns his own business,there for he would live with us. So last January he came, I tried my best to welcome him, we gave him the spare. Room and made him a bedroom, my husband never specially asked me to do anything for him I just tried to look after him because. He had no one else here and I wanted him to settle in and adjust ( he's 24 now BTW) it was fine at first he would clean his own bedroom etc, take his dishes out etc. After a few months. Though he starred making me do everything for him, he stopped. Cleaning his bedroom and doing his washing, he would let me bring his food to. Him on the table and let me take his dirty plate away when he ran upstairs to his bedroom leaving all his dirty plates. On the table. He kept going into my bedroom without asking, I caught him going through my husbands draw for socks and me and my husband share a draw for underwear so he was essentially going through my underwear, I was so embarrassed as I am a Muslim woman. He starred leaving his dirty socks in my dining room for me to pick up, just put a full washing basket of dirty clothes I front of me telling me to do it all there and then. I spoke to my husband about this as I. Didn't think it was fair I was the only one doing anything, I also. Didn't appreciate. The fact that he was working and never offered a penny towards rent, bills or the food shop considering food is flying out. Of the house at the moment because he doesn't stop eating and snacking, we've never asked him for money but he hasn't even offered. Let alone contribute in other. Ways. My husband has spoke to him 3 times and he won't listen, he just keeps saying he's too comfortable now. He gets me to make all 3 of his meals every day, I'm not just talking about cereal for breakfast either, a full cooked breakfast is expected every morning and I end up not eating properly because I'm tired after making 4 other breakfasts. My husband leaves him in the house alone with. Me when he doesn't want to work and I've. Said. To. Him so many times that I'm so uncomftable being left alone with him as I feel like so much. Of my privacy has already been stripped away from me by him just being here, I feel like he's taking over the house. It's got. To the point now my husband is just siding with him and telling me to put up with it and deal with it. This morning I didn't. Make him breakfast and instead. Of getting rhe hint that I didn't want to do it for him he went upstairs to bed and waited for me to cook his breakfast and call him down. I just don't get what is so wrong with telling someone to do their own things, hes not a child he's. 24 and I'm fed up of being a slave, fed up now of sharing my house. Me and my husbands relationship is suffering because I don't feel comfortable being intimate with my husband because his brother is in the next room and keeps his door wide open at night,its like he's almost doing it. On purpose to come between us. I'm. Not allowed. To say anything because I'll be classed as a trouble maker. In the. Family because of their. Culture, but my husband. Is to scared. To say anything too and just. Keeps saying what can ido tell him to leave. I've told him unless he talks to his brother and sorts him out. Then I want him to tell his brother to go and live with. His sister,do you think Im being selfish? I'm just so exhausted I have my own 2.small kids and husband to look after and I just don't like it anymore.

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 09/01/2021 13:15

I certainly don’t think you are being selfish, it sounds like he is utterly taking advantage of your hospitality and your husband is letting him. I think your only option is to speak to your husband and to start saying no!

As for his invasion of your privacy, that is absolutely not ok and your husband really needs to have a serious talk to him about your boundaries!

Aahotep · 09/01/2021 13:18

You are not selfish at all.
The problem is that there's different expectations because of culture would be my guess. That's pretty difficult to deal with.
I don't know what the answer is except can he go and stay with the sister for a while?

Monr0e · 09/01/2021 13:19

How does he "get" you to do these things? I know its easy for me to say but just stop. Certainly stop waiting on him hand and foot and taking food to his room.

Personally he'd be out on his ear he's disrespectful and entitled and is massively taking advantage.

GlitterBiscuits · 09/01/2021 13:19

Just stop. Don't do anything for him. Just stop

Original poster
Zenab12 · 09/01/2021 13:20

I know, because I'm already suffering mentally it's just making me so much worse. When I think back to it I was doing okay until he came here. I've tried compromising and just trying to get on with it and deal with it but mentally and physically it's affecting me. I've tried talking to my husband but i think he's just fed up of me complaining now and shouts at me and baxicslly tells me to deal with it. I think its starting to get to the point where I just want to get out of the house now when he's here, which is sad I feel like I have to get away from my own home, I know if it keeps going like this it's probably going to get to the point where I ask my husband to choose between us, which it isn't what I want to do at all just don't see what other option there is, he hasn't listened the 3 times he's already been spoke to and I have a husband who doesn't want to say anything to him, just don't see what options are left other than to just get on with it and do what he wants 😔

OP posts:
SpiderGwen · 09/01/2021 13:21

Be more assertive or you’ll spend the rest of your life running around after lazy entitles men.

You are not his mother nor his domestic staff. He can sort out his own breakfast and lunch, join you for family dinners, and do his own laundry. He should help with the general house cleaning because he’s part of the household.

If he can’t respect that, he can sling his hook.

Clarich007 · 09/01/2021 13:21

That's terrible.I would hate it, and by the sounds of it you are going to have to tell him to leave yourself Diesn't sound as if your husband can bring himself to say it and mean it

Original poster
Zenab12 · 09/01/2021 13:25

I think my problem is I just can't say no, I'm Muslim but I'm not Pakistani so after being married for 6 years I know what the expectionations are of me that's why I've put up with it for so long. When I got married I had no choice but to become part of the culture, and I think because he's come from Pakistan its what he expects, like this morning when I didn't make him breakfast he just went upstairs back to bed to wait, if I don't make it he won't eat all day unless I do it. I know that I need to start saying no its just I am already an "outsider" to the family because I'm not Pakistani etc, so I don't want them to judge me more by saying I don't act like them if you get what I mean. The thing is when we go to visit his sisters house he doesn't act like this, he takes his dishes out etc and helps her, he just does it with me, when he first came here he would go to his sisters for 2 nights a week so I would atleast get a break and I could cope with it but he doesn't go to stay there anymore at all, he just stays here. I'd rather if he goes and lives with his sister, but he's made his home here now and my husband just keeps saying I can't exactly tell him to go and I don't understand why.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 09/01/2021 13:27

Do you have any family support ? Can you go to speak with your imam and ask them to speak to your husband?
He is showing you incredible disrespect, he should be paying his way regarding food and the leaving if his dirty clothes all over the house is horrible. I wouldn’t want male relatives going into my bedroom and digging through my underwear drawer - that’s just horrible.

Somethingkindaoooo · 09/01/2021 13:29

Stop doing it.

OP- he is behaving like a child, so give him chores.
Cooking twice week, and doing the washing up when he doesn't cook.

Stop doing his laundry. Seriously. You don't have to say you are stopping, just say ' this is where the detergent is, use this cycle' and leave it there.

Stop making 4 breakfasts.

What would happen if you asked him for help with your little ones?

ArialAnna · 09/01/2021 13:30

I think unfortunately that you are right, and you need to tell your husband that his brother leaves or you do. But you have to be prepared in case he chooses his brother (which he may do, especially if he thinks you're not serious) Do you have other family you can stay with? And do you have a good overview of your family's financial situation?

Original poster
Zenab12 · 09/01/2021 13:31

@Somethingkindaoooo

Stop doing it.

OP- he is behaving like a child, so give him chores.
Cooking twice week, and doing the washing up when he doesn't cook.

Stop doing his laundry. Seriously. You don't have to say you are stopping, just say ' this is where the detergent is, use this cycle' and leave it there.

Stop making 4 breakfasts.

What would happen if you asked him for help with your little ones?

Regarding what would happen if I asked him for help with little ones, I asked him once back in April to watch the kids whilst I went to the shops, he said okay, as I was driving up the road to get home I saw both the kids hanging out of the upstairs window with the window wide open ( they were 4 and 2 and a half at the time) he was sat in his room on his laptop with his head phones in. I have never left the kids with him again.
OP posts:
LannieDuck · 09/01/2021 13:33

like this morning when I didn't make him breakfast he just went upstairs back to bed to wait, if I don't make it he won't eat all day unless I do it.

Well that's his choice. Just stop doing it, seriously - stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing. Stop picking up after him.

when he first came here he would go to his sisters for 2 nights a week so I would atleast get a break and I could cope with it but he doesn't go to stay there anymore at all, he just stays here

Because he's too comfortable at your house - you do everything for him! Stop doing it all, and he might stop spending all his time with you.

Heriditaments · 09/01/2021 13:35

Just stop.

Literally. Stop.

Cherrysoup · 09/01/2021 13:35

I second speaking to your imam. Your husband needs to realise that this is not the way to treat you. You have 2 small children and you should not be looking after his brother who is a grown man. Can you stop doing the cooking and washing for him and tell him to do his own? Why is he not contributing money?

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 09/01/2021 13:38

So let him not eat all day? The only person who is suffering that way is him. You have your own children, you don't need this overgrown lump making your life harder.

You need to sit down seriously and calmly with your husband and tell him that his brother either starts being respectful (be specific: does his own laundry, washes his own plates, cleans his own room, stays with the sister 2 days a week) or he's out. You have power here but the cultural pressure makes you too scared to use it.

For what it's worth, I don't know any man, Muslim or otherwise, who would be ok with letting their brother go through their wife's underwear drawer. That is a shocking invasion of privacy and makes me think that the brother has some purient sexual interest in you. He needs to go.

Original poster
Zenab12 · 09/01/2021 13:44

@Cherrysoup

I second speaking to your imam. Your husband needs to realise that this is not the way to treat you. You have 2 small children and you should not be looking after his brother who is a grown man. Can you stop doing the cooking and washing for him and tell him to do his own? Why is he not contributing money?
I don't mind the main meal cooking, as I make large curries every day or rice, I don't mind that as I'm cooking anyway, it's the way he gets up after eating and goes upstairs and leaves his dishes on the table for me to take into the kitchen, it boils my blood. My husband said to me "it's a couple extra dishes to wash " and I said to him but if it's only a couple of extra dishes why can't he do it himself.. My husband has started shouting at me everyrime I talk about it and told me to stop being selfish and to do things for other people, like he's started taking his side. I've said to him many times out of anger I'll leave with the kids and you both can spend all your time together considering his like your "wife" these days. My husband has never asked him for money, he eats alot of the food I buy which fine, but my shopping bill has gone up so much and I'm going every few days where as before when we were just 2 adults and 2 kids I was going every 2 weeks and not spending much, my husband says he doesn't mind paying for food, but with the amount he's eating plus taking 2/3 showers a day Its just the fact he's never even offered, let alone never brung little treats like a chocolate bar here and there for his niece and nephew. He's very stringy with money, if I don't give packed lunches he will wait for my husband to buy him lunch, if he doesn't he will ring my husband asking him to buy him food, or he will just not eat anything because he doesn't want to buy food for the rest of the workers. I'd just atleast like an offer, as if it was me I'd offer because it atleast shows you are greatful. Atleast just clean your room as a contribution or look after yourself, I went into change his bedsheets yestedsay and I had to go out the room because of the smell, I last changed his bedsheets 2 weeks ago and It was clear he hadn't opened the window since the last time I went in to clean, there was all black stuff on the window because he hadn't opened the window. Couldn't even bare to go in there because of the horrendous smell, I just asks dmy husband how he didn't feel ashamed to leave someone else's house like that but my husband didn't answer.
OP posts:
midlifecrash · 09/01/2021 13:47

It sounds like he is jealous/ resentful of your physical relationship with your husband - why does he leave his door open? - and the way he copes with this is to try and make you subordinate. Did you tell your husband that his brother went in the bedroom and went through the drawer with your underwear? What did he think about that? Surely even in a very traditional "Woman of the house" set up that would be seen as very disrespectful?

Original poster
Zenab12 · 09/01/2021 13:50

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

So let him not eat all day? The only person who is suffering that way is him. You have your own children, you don't need this overgrown lump making your life harder.

You need to sit down seriously and calmly with your husband and tell him that his brother either starts being respectful (be specific: does his own laundry, washes his own plates, cleans his own room, stays with the sister 2 days a week) or he's out. You have power here but the cultural pressure makes you too scared to use it.

For what it's worth, I don't know any man, Muslim or otherwise, who would be ok with letting their brother go through their wife's underwear drawer. That is a shocking invasion of privacy and makes me think that the brother has some purient sexual interest in you. He needs to go.

That's the thing, my mum married into an Arab family, whenever she has been around his brothers my dad has never left her at home alone with her, nor has my dad's brothers ever left my dad alone with their wives.

I literally walked into the room and saw him going through my wardrobe, I had to double take because I thought it was my husband as they look similar, when I realised it was his brother going through my stuff I turned around and felt my face go bright red. I imagine for any woman it would be embarrassing but expecially as a Muslim woman it was humiliating that he feels he has the right to go and do anything he pleases even going through his sister in laws under wear,the most my husband did was tell him not to go in our bedroom without asking ( that's the thing I feel like I dont even have my bedroom to myself anymore) I don't know if it's a sexual interest, but I was changing last week in my room I was in my bra, I told the kids not to open the door as I was getting changed but they are little, the flung open the door and he happened to be walking in the hallway at that exact time and I saw his eyes turn to me and he looked at me stood their in my bra. I was so angry and embarrassed that I shouted at the kids and took it out on them. My husband said to me I should get changed behind the bedroom door then. I should be able to get changed in my own house and own bedroom without having to hide behind the door and get changed.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/01/2021 13:52

I am so sorry for you. I have no indepth knowledge of your culture but I would suggest the following:

Breakfast. Stop cooking. When he appears, tell him everyone is having cereal/ toast. You know where it is. Then let him get on with it. If he disappears back to the bedroom, fine. Do not take anything up to him.

Do him a plate for any family meal you cook, but no extra. When he stands up to leave the table you say to him "Please put your stuff in the sink/dishwasher/on the side". If he ignores you I would stop making him dinner. Tell your husband you are doing this because he is disrespecting you, your home and therefore your husband.

How dare he command you to do his washing instantly. If he tries again, just look at him (google Paddington Bear stare). Then say firmly "You know where the washing machine is". And simply carry on with whatever you were doing. If he quibbles, just repeat "I am busy/relaxing watching tv with my husband/whatever. You know how to use the washing machine".

You are not being rude, you are being firm.

He has no right to go into your bedroom for anything. Certainly not to rummage through your underwear.

When you go to bed, shut his door if it is open.

Your husband takes him to work with him so he is not in the house alone with you. You are uncomfortable in your own home. This is not on.

However, I think you and your husband should sit down with him and set some house rules which you discuss and agree between you first (he does his own washing, clears his plates, cleans his room, etc) and he starts contributing something. And he has to respect YOU. He has 2 options. He follows the rules, or he moves out. That is it.

This is your home. He is being rude, lazy and disrespectful to both you and his brother.

Lemonpiano · 09/01/2021 14:03

Your mental health will never improve while you're being treated like shit all day every day.

Culture is no excuse for that behaviour.

rainbowdashsneeze · 09/01/2021 14:15

@Zenab12

I think my problem is I just can't say no, I'm Muslim but I'm not Pakistani so after being married for 6 years I know what the expectionations are of me that's why I've put up with it for so long. When I got married I had no choice but to become part of the culture, and I think because he's come from Pakistan its what he expects, like this morning when I didn't make him breakfast he just went upstairs back to bed to wait, if I don't make it he won't eat all day unless I do it. I know that I need to start saying no its just I am already an "outsider" to the family because I'm not Pakistani etc, so I don't want them to judge me more by saying I don't act like them if you get what I mean. The thing is when we go to visit his sisters house he doesn't act like this, he takes his dishes out etc and helps her, he just does it with me, when he first came here he would go to his sisters for 2 nights a week so I would atleast get a break and I could cope with it but he doesn't go to stay there anymore at all, he just stays here. I'd rather if he goes and lives with his sister, but he's made his home here now and my husband just keeps saying I can't exactly tell him to go and I don't understand why.
But your not Muslim. You're from a western culture and your husband married you knowing this!! This will only get worse not better. You need to put your foot down and tell you husband he either sorts it or your leaving with the children.
AlwaysCheddar · 09/01/2021 14:18

Grow a pair and stop being a maid ffs. Get him to get a proper job and pay rent and take responsibility. Stop doing meals and washing etc.

warmandtoasty2day · 09/01/2021 14:19

who on earth voted yabu ? it must be bil and your 'd'h

CrazyToast · 09/01/2021 14:21

You are not being unreasonable and you know it.

Unfortuantely they have put you in the posiition where you have no choice but to say no and take a stand.

You're going to have to do this and you know that too.

Prepare some support for yourself, friends or family.

First, stop doing this stuff for him.

Second, be ready to leave if your husband won't back you up.

Otherwise this will go on indefinitely.

My friend (she French secular him Indian Hindu) had a similar situation with her husband's brother who would sit in their bedroom all day and drink, leave empty cans everywhere, and use all their things and mess up the house. Her husband didn't want to say anything cos of the family thing but eventually she could take no more and the brother got sent to another family member.