Do you think Im being selfish?

[Zenab12]

Hi so, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and I would just like to know if people think I'm being selfish or over reacting?
I've always suffered with mental health problems( aniexty and depression) but it was triggered quite badly after I became a mum I think. I just suffer quite badly with a low mood.
I'm married with 2 kids (5 and 3) my husband is Pakistani and I'm British. A year ago my brother in law announced he was coming over from Pakistan to go to university here ( which my husband has payed for his entire education up until now as he is the oldest son and my sister in law doesn't give anything to my mil and fil) it's only my husband and his sister here, who is married with 3 kids ( there is cousins etc but they are very jealous and don't speak to both brothers) it was decided he would work part time with my husband when he came in between uni as my husband owns his own business,there for he would live with us. So last January he came, I tried my best to welcome him, we gave him the spare. Room and made him a bedroom, my husband never specially asked me to do anything for him I just tried to look after him because. He had no one else here and I wanted him to settle in and adjust ( he's 24 now BTW) it was fine at first he would clean his own bedroom etc, take his dishes out etc. After a few months. Though he starred making me do everything for him, he stopped. Cleaning his bedroom and doing his washing, he would let me bring his food to. Him on the table and let me take his dirty plate away when he ran upstairs to his bedroom leaving all his dirty plates. On the table. He kept going into my bedroom without asking, I caught him going through my husbands draw for socks and me and my husband share a draw for underwear so he was essentially going through my underwear, I was so embarrassed as I am a Muslim woman. He starred leaving his dirty socks in my dining room for me to pick up, just put a full washing basket of dirty clothes I front of me telling me to do it all there and then. I spoke to my husband about this as I. Didn't think it was fair I was the only one doing anything, I also. Didn't appreciate. The fact that he was working and never offered a penny towards rent, bills or the food shop considering food is flying out. Of the house at the moment because he doesn't stop eating and snacking, we've never asked him for money but he hasn't even offered. Let alone contribute in other. Ways. My husband has spoke to him 3 times and he won't listen, he just keeps saying he's too comfortable now. He gets me to make all 3 of his meals every day, I'm not just talking about cereal for breakfast either, a full cooked breakfast is expected every morning and I end up not eating properly because I'm tired after making 4 other breakfasts. My husband leaves him in the house alone with. Me when he doesn't want to work and I've. Said. To. Him so many times that I'm so uncomftable being left alone with him as I feel like so much. Of my privacy has already been stripped away from me by him just being here, I feel like he's taking over the house. It's got. To the point now my husband is just siding with him and telling me to put up with it and deal with it. This morning I didn't. Make him breakfast and instead. Of getting rhe hint that I didn't want to do it for him he went upstairs to bed and waited for me to cook his breakfast and call him down. I just don't get what is so wrong with telling someone to do their own things, hes not a child he's. 24 and I'm fed up of being a slave, fed up now of sharing my house. Me and my husbands relationship is suffering because I don't feel comfortable being intimate with my husband because his brother is in the next room and keeps his door wide open at night,its like he's almost doing it. On purpose to come between us. I'm. Not allowed. To say anything because I'll be classed as a trouble maker. In the. Family because of their. Culture, but my husband. Is to scared. To say anything too and just. Keeps saying what can ido tell him to leave. I've told him unless he talks to his brother and sorts him out. Then I want him to tell his brother to go and live with. His sister,do you think Im being selfish? I'm just so exhausted I have my own 2.small kids and husband to look after and I just don't like it anymore.

No offence. It you sound like you’re 50, not 24. Reclaim your life - with or without your dh.

It sounds like you’re 50 - excuse typos.

I'd tell him to make his own food and clear up his own mess, and threaten to kick him out if he doesn't start paying towards bills. "Culture" is no excuse for being a cunt.

Zenab12 can I suggest that you get some advice from a women's organisation of some sort?

You mentioned that you'd converted to Islam and aren't Pakistani, but it's not actually clear if you're asian yourself or from some other culture - if asian, there are specialist organisations who can help, especially if you decide to leave this appalling abuse

This situation is toxic for everyone. It is of course absolutely worst for you and I am not trying to distract from that. But your brother in law from what you say has regressed. At the start he was cleaning his room etc a bit but he is now infantilised and takes no responsibility for anything. A grown man. How can he create a life and have adult relationships? Your husband is his brother - how can he feel this is okay? If you were both his parents you would not treat a 24 year old like this. It feels like your husband feels a huge sense of responsibility but has not thought at all about what it would actually be responsible to do. This would be to make his brother pay some at least some of his way, clean his room, wash his dishes and clothes and act like an adult.

Not allowed. To say anything because I'll be classed as a trouble maker. In the. Family because of their. Culture, but

Why do British people always put such a strong emphasis on respecting others "culture" when its the same misogynistic elements of culture they themselves shed years ago (or at least try to).

Nothing of value is lost if the cultural norm of treating a woman like a servant is challenged and abolished

when you speak yo him tell him he needs to stay at his sister's 2 days a week as before as you need your home to yourself. My husband is from Pakistan and in the past I've had his brother from back home living with me. He did not behave like this. There is no way I would have tolerated that. Also I do not serve my husband and pick up his dirty clothes off the floor.im sure he would love it if I did but he knows (has learnt!) it's disrespectful and that I'm his wife not his maid. You need to set your own standards and forget about trying to fit in with the wider family.

OP when you speak to him, you need to lay out a framework and consequences. Not just "Please put your dishes in the sink". (btw he should be doing the washing up if you're cooking).

Tell him you've had enough, this is his last chance. This is his last warning, you know others have spoken to him. If he leaves just one sock out or one teaspoon on the table, he needs to leave.

But really a) he's an adult and should be contributing to housework - and I know the culture he comes from and how this will be received, but you're not from his culture, and he's in your house - and say this explicitly.

But here's the thing. If when he doesn't behave himself, then you actually need to move on the consequences: double-bag pack his stuff and chuck it out. If your DH doesn't accept this, then you need to be ready to leave. While your DH now seems to "get it", he's certainly not been before.

There's a power play going on and something honestly creepy about BIL.

And start wearing the clothes you want. There are plenty of modest Western clothes. Putting in your "own" clothes will help you feel yourself again and that will help you feel stronger.

So yesterday there was some improvement, he made his own breakfast and seemed to wash up after himself ( I am guessing he over heard me and husband talking or mother in law has said something. Made his own lunch to but decided to leave flour all over the work tops and throw his dish in the sink and went upstairs. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, I didn't cook yestedsay my sister in law made a lot of food and asked if I wanted to pick some up, I went to pick up the food and came back, nobody exept him ate at home yesterday, again in the evening he ate, made a mess and threw his dishes in the sink and went upstairs. I didn't appreciate coming home to a full sink and dirty kitchen ( that I'd already cleaned) when I didn't make the mess myself. He went out for a walk and I went upstairs to my husband and snapped, I finally lost it. I was really angry and was shouting and I told him I wouldn't say anything to his brother that it was his responsibility and I am his wife. My husband has admitted the way he treats me is wrong, I said to my husband that either he sorts it out or I will take the kids and leave and I won't come back until his brother has gone, and that it is time for him to think about who is priority is, after all I'm his wife and the person he's chosen to spend his life with,his brother won't be living here forever so I don't understand why my husband wants to make a problem with me tbh. If that's the way he wanted to sort it out. My husband said he will talk to him today. But we'll see I don't bekueve anything will ever change. I just really lost it last night and I told my husband things have changed now and I won't be a push over, I even said to him this is his last chance to sort his brother out and if I see this behaviour again I will divorce him ( I didn't actually mean it I just wanted to make him understand but I probably shouldn't have said this) but at that moment of time I was just so angry and lost it. I genuinely feel like it's not mine and my husbands house anymore, like it's Our house the 3 of us if you get me, almost feels like their is 3 of us in our marriage. My husband asked me last night if I wanted him to tell his brother to leave and go and live at the sisters house because its clear I don't want him anymore, like what does he expect. It sounds bad but I genuinely despise him now and even looking at his face.

OP you should have said these things because him being there is destroying your mental health and you.

I think you need to say yes actually you do want your husband to say that and then you can work on your marriage

Take him up on his offer while you can and get him to tell his brother to leave and go stay with your sil. He won't be able to keep up his act for long and everyone will soon see him for the twat he is.

Yes. Yes. You must tell your husband yes, he is to tell his brother to go and stay at his sister's. Despite being told yet again - he is doing the bare minimum. Sink full of dishes and a flour everywhere. Do you really think it will improve in any way? Your BIL does not respect you or your home. Time for him to move on.

You are being abused.

24 years old and determined to throw your life away. That's so sad.

Your child growing up in this environment will learn to behave the same way.

I fully appreciate this isn't the easy option, but I think I'd take the kids, go to a member of your own family and stay away until this lazy user leaves your home. You say that "he's made his home here" .... no!!, he's moved in to your home and taken over. Regardless of the cultural issues, I'd either leave, or throw him out yourself.

I said to my husband that either he sorts it out or I will take the kids and leave

You were absolutely justified in principle, but please be very careful when challenging men who are so clearly treating you as the "outsider" who's going against their culture
So many responses focus on a western perspective, and while that's understandable it just doesn't always translate; I'm not going to post the dreadful details on here, but I know of someone who was in a very similar position to yours, and I'm afraid it ended very sadly

As said, there are organisations who can help you here and their support could be very valuable www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/issuesstep2.php?id=14

Your child growing up in this environment will learn to behave the same way

Exactly - and worryingly, the DH may well be quite happy with that

And so it continues ...

I know it's easy for me to say but i would completely ignore him, and his laundry. You know it's not really a cultural thing because he behaved much better when he first came, and he is polite and helpful in his sister's house. You and your husband have paid for his education, you have given him a home and a job. If you want to cook enough food fair enough, but that is it, do absolutely nothing else for him. Please consider the example you are setting for your small children pandering to this lazy, selfish, entitled man.

Sorry i didn't see your latest post op. Absolutely seize the day and tell your dh yes you want him to pack his brother off to sils house, and don't back down, you are 100% in the right.

@Zenab12, stop just stop becase yu are going to make yourself physically ill on the top of mentally ill.

Your BIL is oyur DH resposnibility. He is outting him up, finding a job etc... fine.

your job is to support YOUR family and you will ony be able to do that if you stay well.
That starts by not taking on too much, more that you can actually do. You need a word with your dh on that - to tell him you cant physically do all those things. if your BIL leaves his socks in the living room, leave them. If your dh has an issue with it then he will have to take that to his brother.
If your BIL doesnt eat for the day, that's his choice. He can still come downstairs to find something to eat.

Sorry missed your update.

FANTASTIC!! Stick to your guns and insist that he leaves.
He obvioulsy knows he is the wrong and has only got away with it because he has been allowed to (by your dh btw).

I have to say im wondering. With you and your dh been muslim, has your dh been comfortable with his dbro going through YOUR upwear drawer? Is that really seen as acceptable in his culture???

My sympathy to you op.

I’d personally tell him to go to his sisters house. I’d speak to sil and tell her what he’s been doing, including going through your things, watching the children, everything. Tell her how much you’ve tried but you can’t do it anymore.

If you won’t do that (and it is a choice, albeit a difficult choice to make but it will only be difficult for a short time) stop doing anything for him other than stuff you are already going to do anyway, so evening meal. If he leaves any items around that are not where they should be put them in a bag and dump it in his room each day. He won’t change his behaviour if he doesn’t have to and knows you are non confrontational so is being mean and nasty.

If you don’t make this change happen, it won’t and you will loose your marriage op. You can do it, and your life will get better once you start. Good luck

Yes you DO want to tell him to leave!! No need to specify where he goes, he’s an adult and that’s up to him. Just not your house. Go tell your husband to jump and tell him be gone by Saturday, quick!!

Ideally make him leave. Otherwise.
I would take his plate after the meal , put it to one side and reuse it for him without ever washing it.
Put a lock on your bedroom door.
Leave his dirty washing in his room and never wash it.

@TonMoulin

Sorry missed your update.

FANTASTIC!! Stick to your guns and insist that he leaves.
He obvioulsy knows he is the wrong and has only got away with it because he has been allowed to (by your dh btw).

I have to say im wondering. With you and your dh been muslim, has your dh been comfortable with his dbro going through YOUR upwear drawer? Is that really seen as acceptable in his culture???

It's not acceptable at all, when I've been in Pakistan my mother in law has always took good care of me, when his brother came back from college ( before he came to the UK) she would go in and check my bathroom etc to make sure I hadn't accidently left any of my underwear in there that could be seen by the brother etc, so I think if she knew about it she would be very shocked. Obviously I know there is a difference in me leaving my under wear around ( which I never do, since he's been living here I always dry my underwear in my bedroom etc after being washed and I keep my laundry seperate from anyone else as I like to protect my personal things) the thing is, since the brother haw came we have been very tight on space, we have a 3 bedroom house but the 2 bedrooms are practically box rooms(one slightly bigger) he asked to have the bigger room so we even moved our kids out of their own bedroom and they are now sharing a single bed in the smallest room of the house ( which I'm not happy about at all, but we are planning to move soon) my husbands wardrobe with every day clothes and pj's is in the kids room, where as my wardrobe with all of my things jn( which hubby shares an underwear draw with me in our room) all my stuff is in my own room,which I put there for a reason. The brother knows very well the wardrobe in my room is mine, he knows me and hubby share an underwear draw. I catch him going in and out of the kids room all the time to hubby's wardrobe which fair enough, but he knows the one in my room is all my stuff and personal belongings. When I caught him going through my bras and knickers to find my husbands socks, I told my husband and he said I should move MY stuff some where else. I already have no space, we have no space with him being here and I have so much stuff crammed into a small wardrobe in my own room, it's not acceptable to me for him to be going into my bedroom anyway without asking, but I was shocked my husband told me to move my stuff like it was acceptable for him to go on and out as he pleases and take what he wants. It's definitely not allowed in Islam and certainly not the culture, I know my mother in law would be absolutely shocked too.