Do you think Im being selfish?

[Zenab12]

Hi so, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and I would just like to know if people think I'm being selfish or over reacting?
I've always suffered with mental health problems( aniexty and depression) but it was triggered quite badly after I became a mum I think. I just suffer quite badly with a low mood.
I'm married with 2 kids (5 and 3) my husband is Pakistani and I'm British. A year ago my brother in law announced he was coming over from Pakistan to go to university here ( which my husband has payed for his entire education up until now as he is the oldest son and my sister in law doesn't give anything to my mil and fil) it's only my husband and his sister here, who is married with 3 kids ( there is cousins etc but they are very jealous and don't speak to both brothers) it was decided he would work part time with my husband when he came in between uni as my husband owns his own business,there for he would live with us. So last January he came, I tried my best to welcome him, we gave him the spare. Room and made him a bedroom, my husband never specially asked me to do anything for him I just tried to look after him because. He had no one else here and I wanted him to settle in and adjust ( he's 24 now BTW) it was fine at first he would clean his own bedroom etc, take his dishes out etc. After a few months. Though he starred making me do everything for him, he stopped. Cleaning his bedroom and doing his washing, he would let me bring his food to. Him on the table and let me take his dirty plate away when he ran upstairs to his bedroom leaving all his dirty plates. On the table. He kept going into my bedroom without asking, I caught him going through my husbands draw for socks and me and my husband share a draw for underwear so he was essentially going through my underwear, I was so embarrassed as I am a Muslim woman. He starred leaving his dirty socks in my dining room for me to pick up, just put a full washing basket of dirty clothes I front of me telling me to do it all there and then. I spoke to my husband about this as I. Didn't think it was fair I was the only one doing anything, I also. Didn't appreciate. The fact that he was working and never offered a penny towards rent, bills or the food shop considering food is flying out. Of the house at the moment because he doesn't stop eating and snacking, we've never asked him for money but he hasn't even offered. Let alone contribute in other. Ways. My husband has spoke to him 3 times and he won't listen, he just keeps saying he's too comfortable now. He gets me to make all 3 of his meals every day, I'm not just talking about cereal for breakfast either, a full cooked breakfast is expected every morning and I end up not eating properly because I'm tired after making 4 other breakfasts. My husband leaves him in the house alone with. Me when he doesn't want to work and I've. Said. To. Him so many times that I'm so uncomftable being left alone with him as I feel like so much. Of my privacy has already been stripped away from me by him just being here, I feel like he's taking over the house. It's got. To the point now my husband is just siding with him and telling me to put up with it and deal with it. This morning I didn't. Make him breakfast and instead. Of getting rhe hint that I didn't want to do it for him he went upstairs to bed and waited for me to cook his breakfast and call him down. I just don't get what is so wrong with telling someone to do their own things, hes not a child he's. 24 and I'm fed up of being a slave, fed up now of sharing my house. Me and my husbands relationship is suffering because I don't feel comfortable being intimate with my husband because his brother is in the next room and keeps his door wide open at night,its like he's almost doing it. On purpose to come between us. I'm. Not allowed. To say anything because I'll be classed as a trouble maker. In the. Family because of their. Culture, but my husband. Is to scared. To say anything too and just. Keeps saying what can ido tell him to leave. I've told him unless he talks to his brother and sorts him out. Then I want him to tell his brother to go and live with. His sister,do you think Im being selfish? I'm just so exhausted I have my own 2.small kids and husband to look after and I just don't like it anymore.

I can completely understand the culture as I am also a part of it but I'm so glad my household isn't so obsessive about culture.
It was totally unfair on you and you shouldn't have had to do that much for so long. You were definitely taken advantage of.
A lot of indians/Pakistanis are changing their mindset nowadays. My parents were great like that whilst we were growing up here and they never pushed culture on us. A lot of it is also to do with education. Those that have not spent time with people outside of their villages/surroundings don't understand what privacy is. They think that when a woman marries someone, they marry into the family and are then considered to be caregivers (of the whole family) to a certain extent.

Times are changing, albeit slower than I'd like, but I'm so glad you took charge and did something about it. Your kindness was taken advantage of though. Take care of yourself first. You don't owe that kind of care to them.

I haven't got (my hand) seen to yet, I just assumed their wasn't a big problem with it

It's not for others to make the decision for you, but I'd have seen a hospital visit as less about the hand and more about getting signposted to help after being attacked by your husband

The problems with BIL and the rest of the family may or may not be sorted, but the domestic violence could easily escalate - especially if he thinks you'll be prepared to tolerate it

Something to think about maybe ...

Just an update, he's gone to the sisters house this morning.
In a way I kind of feel a bit relieved, my kids can go back into their own room now too and we will all have more space and my kids can have their own beds again.

My mother in law decided to finally call me and speak to me yesterday, I've actually been and spoke to my brother in law twice regarding the issue as my husband decided to tell his mother last week everything I said, including the part that if his brother doesn't go then I will.
His mother then decided to tell everyone in the family what I said, let them all talk behind my back and then decide she was the one who would ignore me and my grand kids.
Maybe I did act a bit over the top, but the angry things I said was said in an argument between a husband and wife, when things calmed down again me and my husband spoke and sorted it out, but by that time it was already too late as he'd already told his mum and his mum had told everyone including the brother what I said.

The brother said he doesn't judge me for what I said and that he understands people say things in anger, but in all honestly I don't understand what it is I've done wrong to be judged, I feel a bit bad about the way things have turned out sure, but in my heart I know I've done nothing to be judged for. Even if I was in the wrong, does his mother feel it was acceptable to tell the full family and let them speak about me behind my back, maybe that is more wrong.
My father in law has apparently actually told my mother in law that she is in the wrong and that she should have kept it between herself, me my husband and the brother in law instead of involving and telling everyone in the family. My husband has told her she shouldn't have told everyone to and that we could have sorted these issues out privately,the mother has told the sister that my father in law and my husband said she was in the wrong about talking behind our backs, and the sister called and apologised and said she shouldn't have got involved as it was non of her business and she felt bad about it.

At the end of the day Im only human, whatever I do wrong in my life I feel I don't deserve for every time I make a mistake for it to be told to the whole family for them to speak about me behind my back, it's been like that for 6 years. My husband seems to think I have hatred for his family but I have explained to him that this is my issue with his family is that they tell everyone everything when I do something wrong and belittle me.

As I said I'm feeling relieved he's gone in a way. And I realise I shouldn't care what people think about me, at the end of the day I have feelings and I'm only human, I believe I'm allowed to say I'm stressed and that things are to much for me. There is nothing wrong with that

My husband seems to think I have hatred for his family

Unfortunately it seems that so do they ... and now they're getting together with your MIL to talk behind your back and compare notes on just how "awful" you're being

Again, @Zenab12, have you been able to reach out to any of the organisations mentioned for support - especially around your DH's violence?