Do you think Im being selfish?

[Zenab12]

Hi so, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and I would just like to know if people think I'm being selfish or over reacting?
I've always suffered with mental health problems( aniexty and depression) but it was triggered quite badly after I became a mum I think. I just suffer quite badly with a low mood.
I'm married with 2 kids (5 and 3) my husband is Pakistani and I'm British. A year ago my brother in law announced he was coming over from Pakistan to go to university here ( which my husband has payed for his entire education up until now as he is the oldest son and my sister in law doesn't give anything to my mil and fil) it's only my husband and his sister here, who is married with 3 kids ( there is cousins etc but they are very jealous and don't speak to both brothers) it was decided he would work part time with my husband when he came in between uni as my husband owns his own business,there for he would live with us. So last January he came, I tried my best to welcome him, we gave him the spare. Room and made him a bedroom, my husband never specially asked me to do anything for him I just tried to look after him because. He had no one else here and I wanted him to settle in and adjust ( he's 24 now BTW) it was fine at first he would clean his own bedroom etc, take his dishes out etc. After a few months. Though he starred making me do everything for him, he stopped. Cleaning his bedroom and doing his washing, he would let me bring his food to. Him on the table and let me take his dirty plate away when he ran upstairs to his bedroom leaving all his dirty plates. On the table. He kept going into my bedroom without asking, I caught him going through my husbands draw for socks and me and my husband share a draw for underwear so he was essentially going through my underwear, I was so embarrassed as I am a Muslim woman. He starred leaving his dirty socks in my dining room for me to pick up, just put a full washing basket of dirty clothes I front of me telling me to do it all there and then. I spoke to my husband about this as I. Didn't think it was fair I was the only one doing anything, I also. Didn't appreciate. The fact that he was working and never offered a penny towards rent, bills or the food shop considering food is flying out. Of the house at the moment because he doesn't stop eating and snacking, we've never asked him for money but he hasn't even offered. Let alone contribute in other. Ways. My husband has spoke to him 3 times and he won't listen, he just keeps saying he's too comfortable now. He gets me to make all 3 of his meals every day, I'm not just talking about cereal for breakfast either, a full cooked breakfast is expected every morning and I end up not eating properly because I'm tired after making 4 other breakfasts. My husband leaves him in the house alone with. Me when he doesn't want to work and I've. Said. To. Him so many times that I'm so uncomftable being left alone with him as I feel like so much. Of my privacy has already been stripped away from me by him just being here, I feel like he's taking over the house. It's got. To the point now my husband is just siding with him and telling me to put up with it and deal with it. This morning I didn't. Make him breakfast and instead. Of getting rhe hint that I didn't want to do it for him he went upstairs to bed and waited for me to cook his breakfast and call him down. I just don't get what is so wrong with telling someone to do their own things, hes not a child he's. 24 and I'm fed up of being a slave, fed up now of sharing my house. Me and my husbands relationship is suffering because I don't feel comfortable being intimate with my husband because his brother is in the next room and keeps his door wide open at night,its like he's almost doing it. On purpose to come between us. I'm. Not allowed. To say anything because I'll be classed as a trouble maker. In the. Family because of their. Culture, but my husband. Is to scared. To say anything too and just. Keeps saying what can ido tell him to leave. I've told him unless he talks to his brother and sorts him out. Then I want him to tell his brother to go and live with. His sister,do you think Im being selfish? I'm just so exhausted I have my own 2.small kids and husband to look after and I just don't like it anymore.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but why is it your culture to be a complete slave and doormat in your own home? These two men sound awful.
If you are British, there is surely no need for you to adopt the full Pakistani culture. You are living in the UK, so it is up to them to adapt, not you. As others have said, draw some sensible boundaries to do with him taking care of his own meals and washing, etc. and insist on keeping them. Tell him he has to do his part in the house. I know you want him to contribute money as well, but that is a separate issue. I would get the matters of privacy and expecting you to wait on him dealt with first, and only raise the money issue when that is working better. The main thing that worries me, reading your post, is that you have felt that you should be doing this stuff. Don't go into his room again. Tell him to change the sheets (having washed them himself), and keep the room clean. Anything else is just disrespectful. Tell him to do his turn with washing up and hoovering etc. in general as well as getting his own meals. Hope it improves OP, as this is no way to be living ijn your own home. You have a life too.

Can you go and stay somewhere else for a while to get some breathing space? Your husband is a weak man, nothing will change unless you make it.

I am Muslim but not Pakistani, I reverted to Islam a while before I even met my husband, so I've just never belonged to or followed a culture just the religion and how I've verb raised in the UK. When I got married they just gave me pakiatani clothes a d basically went wear it and become a part of us, I loved it at first as I felt so included but looking back on it all these later I realise it wasn't about acceptence or including me it was just making me like them. My husband has always done his best for me, he has spoke to his brother 3 times about his behaviour but his brother hasn't listened, even admitting one time to my husband that he was too comfortable here. I'm glad he's settled but I feel it is my fault for trying to be kind in the first place, I do feel like i'm to blame for being kind to him and doing things. I've spoke to my husband before saying we aren't in Pakistan so I shouldn't have to live like i'm there, and if he doesn't like that then he shouldn't have married me because I'm not Pakistani. Up until these past months I've liked the culture etc and wanted to be a part of it, but this entire situation has made me question who I am as a person, who I want to be. I wear the clothes I eat act and dress like a Pakistani, I've never been able to be what I want and expecially going through a tough mental time now I'm really questioning who am I and it's upsetting me so much because I don't know who I am anymore or who I want to be.

What's that supposed to mean? Are you trying to say I'm making it up or something, if you are then you must be of Pakistani culture or some Asian culture.
Do you not know how Asians treat there daughter in laws etc? The way I am getting treated is nothing to do with Muslim or being Muslim, their is nothing in Islam that condemns treating someone like this.
Pakistani culture however, the woman is seen as the one who does everything for a man. Not in British Pakistanis but people who come from Pakistan.
My husband and his brother have been spoilt and grown up thinking all this is a woman's job. I am absolutely hurt if you are in any way shape or form saying I am making this up because this is the reality of my life,and it must be you who doesn't have knowledge about the culture. I am not talking about British Pakistanis born in the UK here. I am talking about born Pakistanis.

@Zenab12

What's that supposed to mean? Are you trying to say I'm making it up or something, if you are then you must be of Pakistani culture or some Asian culture. Do you not know how Asians treat there daughter in laws etc? The way I am getting treated is nothing to do with Muslim or being Muslim, their is nothing in Islam that condemns treating someone like this. Pakistani culture however, the woman is seen as the one who does everything for a man. Not in British Pakistanis but people who come from Pakistan. My husband and his brother have been spoilt and grown up thinking all this is a woman's job. I am absolutely hurt if you are in any way shape or form saying I am making this up because this is the reality of my life,and it must be you who doesn't have knowledge about the culture. I am not talking about British Pakistanis born in the UK here. I am talking about born Pakistanis.

I have come on here looking for not advice but support, as I have no family around me to turn to, a husband who won't listen, I am suffering mentally and physically with 2 young children and have no one to talk to. This is exactly why I never trust people or ask for help, because of people like you who say I'm lying. Just like my in laws who call me names for having a voice and saying something I'm not happy about.i only came on here asking if I'm selfish because that's what I've been called selfish for not wanting to be someone's slave, also came on here looking for support as I have no one I can talk to, no friends.

Also one other thing to add to that, is that maybe you think this is not the culture, maybe I am just being treated horribly by selfish people, but from my understanding of reading posts from other people's similar experiences marrying into the culture or being of the same culture getting married, this seems to be how their mentality works and it actually seems to be a common thing in their culture that people get treated like this.
I've said in another post that my mum married into a Muslim Arab family and has never been treated like this, its not even Islam to treat a woman like this. I am just talking about my own experience, maybe I am completely wrong thinking this is how the culture works because the family I married into is being selfish and I am thinking this is how it works with them, but if you ask anybody or read up on similar people's experiences you will actually understand this is very common in their culture to be treated this way. So don't just assume someone is making it up, when they suffer their day to day life not telling anyone for the fear to be called a liar, when I finanlyl try to reach out for help that's exactly what happens by someone

My husband has always done his best for me

No he hasn’t. He’s done close to nothing. Perhaps contacting women’s aid or www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/m/issuesstep2.php?id=14 would help you see how unacceptable this all is. I’d be looking for a divorce quite honestly.

Why do you have no friends? Isolating you from other women makes you vulnerable to abuse.

Is your BIL still doing a university course? If so, a solution could be that come September/October, he moves into university accommodation (assuming things are back to normal by then). Giving him till then to become a polite and contributing family member would be plenty of time to show you've done your best.

I think there's a reason your SIL and the other relatives don't have this young man to stay. They're probably amazed you're still putting up with him!

Also, get a lock on your bedroom door.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Why do you have no friends? Isolating you from other women makes you vulnerable to abuse.

When I got married I moved 3 hours away from family/friends. I don't get time to go back anymore so I've lost touch with my friends a few years back, I had both my kids back to back and I don't get out much so haven't had many opportunities to make friends, I'm quite shy as well and find it hard starting conversations etc, my daughter is in reception now and my son in nursery and I am trying to start talking to other mums to try and get to know people. I'm hoping once my son starts full time school in September that I will be able to get a job or something so I will be able to be social with other people not just kids x

@Phineyj

Is your BIL still doing a university course? If so, a solution could be that come September/October, he moves into university accommodation (assuming things are back to normal by then). Giving him till then to become a polite and contributing family member would be plenty of time to show you've done your best.

I think there's a reason your SIL and the other relatives don't have this young man to stay. They're probably amazed you're still putting up with him!

Also, get a lock on your bedroom door.

He says he's just about finished with university, but he's on a student visa so he has a few more months to get a job ( which he has a job with my husband) apparently he is hoping to settle down here, get a job and get married here. We are wanting to buyour own house this year and I've already told my husband when we move I don't want him to come with us,I don't know how it's going to work though. I guess I wouldn't mind him living here if he pulled his weight I think I will always just be uncomftable with him living here now knowing he has been looking through my stuff and obviously I don't know how many other times he did it before he got caught. I was considering getting a lock for the door, i just feel bad on the kids for having to do it, my daughters 5 but she's quite mature for her age, she's very aware of what's going on and even she has started complaining about him, said to my husband you can see its not just me anymore its the kids now too

@AlwaysCheddar

Grow a pair and stop being a maid ffs. Get him to get a proper job and pay rent and take responsibility. Stop doing meals and washing etc.

Get him to pay rent for a flat somewhere else - and stay there! then the issue of doing his laundry, cooking, housework, clearing up won't be an issue.

Listen, it can't be a Pakistani thing because he doesn't behave like that at his sister's.

Re-read CoffeeBeansGalore's excellent post from 13:52 - very sound advice and as she says, it's being firm not rude. I expect that's how his sister is with him, so he knows she just won't accept it!

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

Listen, it can't be a Pakistani thing because he doesn't behave like that at his sister's.

Re-read CoffeeBeansGalore's excellent post from 13:52 - very sound advice and as she says, it's being firm not rude. I expect that's how his sister is with him, so he knows she just won't accept it!

I don't remember if I ever directly said it is a Pakistani thing, to clear up the confusion, in the culture it is traditional that women looks after husband and the house while the husband works I've been to Pakistan and its the women who serve you if you go to peoples houses etc, that's the reason I've spoke to my husband so much about it is because I expect it from my husband but not from the brother. He doesn't do it at his sisters house because its his sister and he doesn't treat his mum like this either so I have no idea why me,The only conclusion that I have come to is that traditionally in the culture ( before anyone gets offended, I am not talking about British Pakistanis, Asian people born here are very different, and even in big cities in pakistan are taught differently, but my husband and his family arent from big cities, they've grown up being taught and seeing the women do everything which if you re search this it is very common is the point I'm trying to make about the culture being involved in this, is I think that's what his reasoning behind this is, is that he thinks its normal for women to be in charge of the house there for he expects me to do it. My argument with my husband the whole time has been that we are in the UK, not in Pakistan and that when he came here he should have left this thinking if that's the case.

Also I think its because I've been raised here and I think so differently, I think that's why being married to a Pakistani with me being British is why I can personally see the culture difference so so much because my husband, sister, brother in law etc wasn't born here. He doesn't treat his sister like this because he knows her in laws treated her exactly the same, making her do everything for him. As far as I've been told from my husband the mother in law this is the "normal" way to be treated and to stop complaining which is why I am under the impression it's a culture thing, because I'm personally married into it and I can see it for myself that being born somewhere else they have a completely different mentality and way of thinking expecially if they've been taught in ways which aren't good. It's not every one I know that and I never wanted it to turn into a culture confusion or people to say I am making it up or have no knowledge, I just know from my personal experiences and knowing this is how my sister in law got treated by her in laws too so that's why I brought it up. There is so so many things people don't know and its not easy to explain everything, his own sister moved away from her in laws because of the same reason what I am talking to you about now, that's why her brother doesn't treat her like that and helps her, which makes me even more confused as to why he thinks he can do it to me. Me and my husband have been having marital problems since before he came, I think I never knew just different we are, I know he loves me but I just question myself if I am over reacting about the whole situation.

You are not being selfish but you do need to stop letting him walk all over you! Stop with breakfast- he can starve, if he brings you his washing point him to the machine, if he leaves it lying around dump it in his room. Do not clean his room, when you finally get rid of him you will probably have to dispose of the bedding/ mattress anyway. When he gets up from the table tell him to take his dishes to the kitchen. It doesn’t matter what his cultural expectations are. Your house, your rules and tell your husband to do one if he complains!

OP
His behaviour when looking after yiyr children is horrible.

Sounds like you are doubting yourself, big time . Making culture based excuses for a brother in law who is just plain old lazy, entitled and immature. Your DH has misplaced loyalty, and suffers from a lack of back bone. Sadly these are issues that can be found in many men, from many cultures.
Everyone who acts that way tries to twist it around ( ' you're selfish' ) or generate some teflon coated excuse why their behaviour should go unchecked ( in this case, culture).

It's crap though. They are just two weak men who have no respect.

I agree with pp's saying you should talk to the imam and get advice. And perhaps he could speak to your dh. Your dh isn't listening to you but maybe he would listen to the imam.
I know it's hard to act in an assertive manner if you're a shy, quiet person by nature. However, you really need to find the strength to do it. Your husband and his family clearly see women not as equal partners in a marriage but as people who are there to look after their needs -wash for them, cook, tidy up, mind the children etc etc. Unfortunately I don't think you will ever be seen as an equal in this relationship. You married into this family, wore their clothes etc and if you're happy with the way things were before the brother moved in, then that's fine. However, the situation with the brother is different. You didn't sign up for this. I doubt your husband will ever be involved in changing the situation which is why I'm telling you to somehow find the strength yourself no matter how hard and scary it seems.
When the 3 of you are together, perhaps at dinner, you need to say that you're not happy with how things are. I think it's important to say it with your husband present but don't necessarily tell him beforehand that you're going to say it as he might tell you not to. Say you feel your privacy has been terribly invaded by your BIL going through your drawers. You don't want him going into your bedroom for any reason. That's a private space for you and your husband. Mention here that you would like him to close his bedroom door at night as you feel uncomfortable sleeping nearby with his door open. He's not a fool. He will know exactly what you mean. Say you're happy to cook the dinner for him as you're cooking for the family anyway, but as he is sharing your family home, without any financial contribution, the very least you expect is that he cleans up after himself. From now on, you'll expect him to do his own washing, change his sheets, bring out his plates, make his sandwiches for work etc. You're more than happy to show him how to use the washing machine if necessary. Say you want this new arrangement to start from that day. You have 2 children to look after and you can do without the added pressure and work involved in also looking after a 24 year old. Say all that and see what happens. It will be hard for you as you come across as someone who doesn't have much confidence and perhaps low self esteem. By if you do it, you'll feel proud of yourself and you'll feel better that you made a stand.
Also, as soon as restrictions ease, try and join some kind of club/ hobby group. Anything that will help you to make friends. You're very socially isolated living so far from family and having lost touch with your old friends. Maybe talk to your gp about your depression and anxiety also. I wish you all the best.

No, OP you are not overreacting. It is normal to feel how you do, and really the problem you have is with the two men - your DH and his brother need to adapt to how things are here, which is not the same as rural Pakistan. Can you talk to your husband again and get him to see your point of view that you cannot be a servant to his brother? I am really sorry you suffer from anxiety and depression - this situation cannot be helping, so please be absolutely clear to your husband about what needs to change, and get him to support you and back you up, looking after you and your health rather than his brother's selfish whims. Hope you find a way through this soon - could you try counselling? For yourself alone, or marriage counselling?

Please stop doing the things you don't want to do. He's only expecting it because you keep doing it!
Maybe if you are worried about reactions just start by reducing what you do before eventually stopping, that way he'll get used to doing these things for himself. Like, make the food 3 times a week then just reduce.
Personally if it were me I'd stop completely but I understand you are worried and don't want to alienate yourself from your family so that's why I suggest reducing.
Can you help look at bedsits and flats for him?

which my husband has payed for his entire education up until now as he is the oldest son and my sister in law doesn't give anything to my mil and fil' sorry OP can you explain that? I don't understand. Why are you two parenting him?

I get your overall point , some of it sounds OTT like the bit about being too tired to eat after making other breakfast ...but overall, why is he there?

You seemed to have changed alot about yourself for their 'culture'. You are concerned about being judged, an outsider and what their family think. But who is worried about you? Certainly not your husband. He treats his sister so well because she is family and in their culture family is everything. I am talking about his primary family- that is his parents and siblings. He won't ever see sense in this situation because he is bound to them. And he is already fighting against you. I really think it will come down to you either being completely submissive and lose yourself Or you finally having enough and leaving. Op your husband is showing you where his loyalties lie.

some things I can understand might be part of your culture but he should not be going through your personal things and you should not have to spend time alone in the house with him if you're not comfortable with it. So there's an issue with boundaries and a huge issue with respect. I mean fine, so you do the cooking but he should at the very least clear up after himself and clean his room. You're not his wife!