Do you think Im being selfish?

[Zenab12]

Hi so, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and I would just like to know if people think I'm being selfish or over reacting?
I've always suffered with mental health problems( aniexty and depression) but it was triggered quite badly after I became a mum I think. I just suffer quite badly with a low mood.
I'm married with 2 kids (5 and 3) my husband is Pakistani and I'm British. A year ago my brother in law announced he was coming over from Pakistan to go to university here ( which my husband has payed for his entire education up until now as he is the oldest son and my sister in law doesn't give anything to my mil and fil) it's only my husband and his sister here, who is married with 3 kids ( there is cousins etc but they are very jealous and don't speak to both brothers) it was decided he would work part time with my husband when he came in between uni as my husband owns his own business,there for he would live with us. So last January he came, I tried my best to welcome him, we gave him the spare. Room and made him a bedroom, my husband never specially asked me to do anything for him I just tried to look after him because. He had no one else here and I wanted him to settle in and adjust ( he's 24 now BTW) it was fine at first he would clean his own bedroom etc, take his dishes out etc. After a few months. Though he starred making me do everything for him, he stopped. Cleaning his bedroom and doing his washing, he would let me bring his food to. Him on the table and let me take his dirty plate away when he ran upstairs to his bedroom leaving all his dirty plates. On the table. He kept going into my bedroom without asking, I caught him going through my husbands draw for socks and me and my husband share a draw for underwear so he was essentially going through my underwear, I was so embarrassed as I am a Muslim woman. He starred leaving his dirty socks in my dining room for me to pick up, just put a full washing basket of dirty clothes I front of me telling me to do it all there and then. I spoke to my husband about this as I. Didn't think it was fair I was the only one doing anything, I also. Didn't appreciate. The fact that he was working and never offered a penny towards rent, bills or the food shop considering food is flying out. Of the house at the moment because he doesn't stop eating and snacking, we've never asked him for money but he hasn't even offered. Let alone contribute in other. Ways. My husband has spoke to him 3 times and he won't listen, he just keeps saying he's too comfortable now. He gets me to make all 3 of his meals every day, I'm not just talking about cereal for breakfast either, a full cooked breakfast is expected every morning and I end up not eating properly because I'm tired after making 4 other breakfasts. My husband leaves him in the house alone with. Me when he doesn't want to work and I've. Said. To. Him so many times that I'm so uncomftable being left alone with him as I feel like so much. Of my privacy has already been stripped away from me by him just being here, I feel like he's taking over the house. It's got. To the point now my husband is just siding with him and telling me to put up with it and deal with it. This morning I didn't. Make him breakfast and instead. Of getting rhe hint that I didn't want to do it for him he went upstairs to bed and waited for me to cook his breakfast and call him down. I just don't get what is so wrong with telling someone to do their own things, hes not a child he's. 24 and I'm fed up of being a slave, fed up now of sharing my house. Me and my husbands relationship is suffering because I don't feel comfortable being intimate with my husband because his brother is in the next room and keeps his door wide open at night,its like he's almost doing it. On purpose to come between us. I'm. Not allowed. To say anything because I'll be classed as a trouble maker. In the. Family because of their. Culture, but my husband. Is to scared. To say anything too and just. Keeps saying what can ido tell him to leave. I've told him unless he talks to his brother and sorts him out. Then I want him to tell his brother to go and live with. His sister,do you think Im being selfish? I'm just so exhausted I have my own 2.small kids and husband to look after and I just don't like it anymore.

Your dh is wrong. He should be supporting you.
Why doesn't he move his socks?
If it was me I would tell your dh that you will advise any potential bride and her family on bil's shortcomings if he doesn't start pulling his weight.

With you and your dh being muslim, has your dh been comfortable with his dbro going through YOUR upwear (underwear?) drawer?

OP has told us that he is - or at least that he said she "should have put the underwear somewhere else" and that when BIL saw her undressed she "should have got changed behind the door"

Supposing that DH does tell BIL he has to leave - does anyone imagine he'd be pleased about that? Isn't it more likely he'd insist that DH needs to bring his disrespectful wife into line, and remembering they've "been having marital problems since before he came", isn't there at least a chance DH would side with him?

As said, OP would be wise to be very careful here

(BIL) asked to have the bigger room so we even moved our kids out of their own bedroom and they are now sharing a single bed in the smallest room of the house

And your not so "D"H willingly went along with this did he ...?

OP I’m really sorry you’re going through this, you sound like a genuinely kind person who’s being taken advantage of.

Frankly, your husband sounds limp. He needs to man up and find his spine, and tell his brother to go, not you. He needs to say it is him who is making him leave, because he’s been rude and entitled.

If not, in your place and if I could, I would pack up and leave, and only come back when brother dearest has gone.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

(BIL) asked to have the bigger room so we even moved our kids out of their own bedroom and they are now sharing a single bed in the smallest room of the house

And your not so "D"H willingly went along with this did he ...?

Her husband sounds awful also, honestly I’m agog. Poor OP.

OP, I'm Pakistani Muslim (observant) and I am aghast at what you are going through. It's not right. My husband is also Pakistani Muslim and if ever tried to let his brothers treat me like this, I would give him an ultimatum that his brother needs to leave or I will file for divorce.

Please stop cooking and cleaning for your brother ass in law.

You need to take back your power here.

It doesn't matter what his family think of you if you stop doing these things. If the only way to get their acceptance is to be subservient to this excuse for a man brother in law, then their acceptance is not worth a penny.

I will read the rest of your posts now, OP.

you need to lose it with BIL. treat him like the little shit he is. Why didn't you ask him what he was doing going through your under wear draw? you should have told him there and then he should not have done that. Once you have the courage to tell BIL how it is, hopefully he won't feel so comfortable and will leave. He is non-mehram to you but not to his sister so it is more appropriate for him to live there. at least make sure you are there when DH speaks to him.

When I caught him going through my bras and knickers to find my husbands socks, I told my husband and he said I should move MY stuff some where else.

I'm sorry @Zenab12. I was hoping that if your dh knew how his dbro is pushing the boundaries and disrespecting you, he would do something :(
But his answer also tlls you a ot about your dh. You certainly have a BIL issue but I think you also have a DH issue. I am starting to think that you have been accepting a lot of stuff on the ground of culture etc... when actually your dh has just been a twat.
Imean great that you are adjusting to the way he is doing things but surely this also goes with him respecting the boundaries that are coming with it? Incl not accepting for his dbro to go through your underwear??
What would happen if MIL was told of his sons behaviours there. One wh activeky seek your underwear in your drawers and the other that allows his dwife to be disrespected like this???

Frankly, your husband sounds limp

Limp or malign?
Impossible to say without actually knowing him, but I know which my money would be on

I wear a hijab and an abaya, I can't really be myself outside the home and the only place I can dress as I want etc is inside my home, the only place I can be free basically and do as I want but even that's been taken away from me as I can't even wear jeans or leggings in the home anymore ( it's not that my husband has said I can't, I just feel uncpmftable walking around in front of him like that) I'm supposed to wear my hijab in front of my brother in law but I can't do it anymore because it was hurting my head and I shouldn't have to wear it inside the home,

This is worrying OP. You are intimated by this creepy BiL, who goes through your underwear, in your own home, to the extent that you cannot even wear the clothes you like. Please get this creep out of your home for all your sakes. It's your home!!!

Honestly you need to get him out. There's no space for him. Your kids are sharing a single bed in a room where your husband keeps his clothes. Thats not fair on them at all.

Its affecting your mental health just having to share your house with him, never mind his treatment of you. If you wait for him to improve you'll have less reason to kick him out.

Tell your husband that enough is enough and he needs to get his brother out of your house. He should be ashamed of himself letting his brother treat his wife like this. You have every right to not live a man you aren't comfortable with.

@Oreservoir

Your dh is wrong. He should be supporting you. Why doesn't he move his socks? If it was me I would tell your dh that you will advise any potential bride and her family on bil's shortcomings if he doesn't start pulling his weight.

He's desperately looking for a wife, not having any luck though and I can understand why. I'm actually considering paying someone just to marry him and get him away 🤣 although he'd probably just end up moving his wife in too.

@SharonasCorona

OP, I'm Pakistani Muslim (observant) and I am aghast at what you are going through. It's not right. My husband is also Pakistani Muslim and if ever tried to let his brothers treat me like this, I would give him an ultimatum that his brother needs to leave or I will file for divorce.

Please stop cooking and cleaning for your brother ass in law.

You need to take back your power here.

It doesn't matter what his family think of you if you stop doing these things. If the only way to get their acceptance is to be subservient to this excuse for a man brother in law, then their acceptance is not worth a penny.

I will read the rest of your posts now, OP.

I'm glad someone here gets it. The thing is it feels like my full marriage has been compromise, sacrifice, compromise and so on. When we first got married husband wasn't doing well so we had to live with his sister for the first 2 years of our marriage, it was a completely different experience though, I looked after my husband and she looked after her husband and her kids. If one of us wasn't feeling well we would help each other out, when I gave birth to my daughter she looked after me for a week, when she gave birth to her daughters I did it back. It was hard living with them but we both did our own things to make it work and I did more than pull my weight whilst living under his sisters roof. I'd always treat her kids to sweets and toys, I'd look after her kids on weekends whilst her and her hubby went out atleast to just do a food shop and she would do the same for me. I never felt uncomfortable with my sister in laws husband, he never asked me for anything he always asked his own wife and he treated me with respect and I never felt like I do having lived with him like I do living with my husbands brother. When we finally got our own place and moving up in the world it was lovely and everyone was on good terms and I was super greatful.

When his brother first came I. Genuinely thought he was decent and not like this at all.

I'm glad someone here gets it.

Didn't SharonasCorona say pretty much what most people on the thread said?

It is clear that BIL has to move out, OP, and good for you in moving nearer to that happening. so you can relax in your own home at last. But why does everyone say he has to go to his sister's to live? He is 24 years old. He can find a flat and move to it himself. He does NOT need anyone to look after his domestic needs. In fact he will be a much better husband to someone eventually if he knows from experience what needs doing around a home, because he has done it himself. You and your DH should give him notice (say 2 or 3 weks) and tell him he needs to find a place of his own. Your children need their proper bedroom back as well.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

I'm glad someone here gets it.

Didn't SharonasCorona say pretty much what most people on the thread said?

Didn't mean it that way, pretty early on in the thread someone accused me of having no knowledge on Islam or the culture and I am making the whole thing up, plus a few others said it wasn't anything to do with culture or religion when I kept mentioning this behaviour is deemed as normal in the Pakistani culture. The was this poster and another poster who said they were Asian/Pakistani but didn't agree with the behaviours etc.

Sorry if I said it in the wrong way, I meant it's just nice seeing people in their own community who gets it and even understands that it's wrong x

Being married for 6 years into the Pakistani culture ( its not Islamic at all, they just say its Islam when it's not) I have met so many Pakistanis who think it's acceptable, not so much British born Pakistanis etc, although I know some British borns still have the same values.

It was just refreshing to me to read some perspectives of people who are part of the culture, it gives me hope that my kids can and will be raised differently x

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Frankly, your husband sounds limp

Limp or malign?
Impossible to say without actually knowing him, but I know which my money would be on

Seeing he basically blamed her for his brother going through her underwear, yes he sounds at best like a massive twat. But you’re right, he seems highly unpleasant

Yes, I can understand that.

My XH grew up in Pakistan and I'm sure a lot of his unhealthy attitudes towards women came from that time of his life. I'm glad you have Pakistani posters telling you this is wrong.

OP, are you a Muslim convert? Why do you wear an abaya outside the house if you don’t feel comfortable? Last time I checked it wasn’t a prerequisite of Islam.
Where is your own family? Your BIL sounds like an asshole but actually your husband is worse imo. Treats you with no respect at all. You’re not stuck, you have choices. Could you not speak to your parents?
Were you happy in your marriage before your BIL moved in?
If you let your children see you being treated this way by both your BIL and husband, they will think it’s normal and acceptable.
Honestly, I find your post quite disturbing and very sad. 💐

How old were you when you met and married him OP as well?

You are a lovely person, you handle yourself very well, I hope you can sort this out

OP I know you say this has nothing to do with Islam but I've been married to a Muslim man for nearly 20 years and many things you say are resonating with me.

The only thing you can do to change this situation is to work on changing yourself.
Being subservient and ineffectual is exactly what is required of you. You are there to provide domestic care, not to have opinions that rock the boat. You arnt even consulted about financial matters but your husband discusses these matters with his sister. As long as he is providing for you and the children he sees the finances as none of your business.
You are only 24. You have 2 young children.
You should be meeting other mums and their kids. Life shouldn't just be about looking after everyone else. What about you? Why do you wear Pakistani dress?
Why do you cook their traditional food everyday? Why can't they eat some of our food? Don't let your identity and background be ignored by them!
Also I can hazard a guess that the Bil is looking for a wife with a British passport!

Whoever said it would backfire when I told him to choose, was absolutely right. When I asked him last night if he spoke to his brother, he said his brother is staying, and that yestedsay my mother in law made him realise how selfish I actually am, that I can't even handle one extra person and that I should remember where I come from. Apparently the. Mother said all this, I walked out of the house in tears. He told me its better if I leave. I only ever asked for help and I knew it would happen. We had a big argument and he hit me quite badly in my hand in a weird position, I had alot of pain but. I can't. Move my finger and thumb and I between without a lot of pain, I don't know what's. Wrong with it but this morning I still have a lot of pain in my hand and can't move my finger and thumb without pain. I've had enough of him

Tell DH either he goes or you do.

Your DH sounds rubbish and the your BIL is vile