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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you think Im being selfish?

204 replies

Zenab12 · 09/01/2021 13:10

Hi so, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and I would just like to know if people think I'm being selfish or over reacting?
I've always suffered with mental health problems( aniexty and depression) but it was triggered quite badly after I became a mum I think. I just suffer quite badly with a low mood.
I'm married with 2 kids (5 and 3) my husband is Pakistani and I'm British. A year ago my brother in law announced he was coming over from Pakistan to go to university here ( which my husband has payed for his entire education up until now as he is the oldest son and my sister in law doesn't give anything to my mil and fil) it's only my husband and his sister here, who is married with 3 kids ( there is cousins etc but they are very jealous and don't speak to both brothers) it was decided he would work part time with my husband when he came in between uni as my husband owns his own business,there for he would live with us. So last January he came, I tried my best to welcome him, we gave him the spare. Room and made him a bedroom, my husband never specially asked me to do anything for him I just tried to look after him because. He had no one else here and I wanted him to settle in and adjust ( he's 24 now BTW) it was fine at first he would clean his own bedroom etc, take his dishes out etc. After a few months. Though he starred making me do everything for him, he stopped. Cleaning his bedroom and doing his washing, he would let me bring his food to. Him on the table and let me take his dirty plate away when he ran upstairs to his bedroom leaving all his dirty plates. On the table. He kept going into my bedroom without asking, I caught him going through my husbands draw for socks and me and my husband share a draw for underwear so he was essentially going through my underwear, I was so embarrassed as I am a Muslim woman. He starred leaving his dirty socks in my dining room for me to pick up, just put a full washing basket of dirty clothes I front of me telling me to do it all there and then. I spoke to my husband about this as I. Didn't think it was fair I was the only one doing anything, I also. Didn't appreciate. The fact that he was working and never offered a penny towards rent, bills or the food shop considering food is flying out. Of the house at the moment because he doesn't stop eating and snacking, we've never asked him for money but he hasn't even offered. Let alone contribute in other. Ways. My husband has spoke to him 3 times and he won't listen, he just keeps saying he's too comfortable now. He gets me to make all 3 of his meals every day, I'm not just talking about cereal for breakfast either, a full cooked breakfast is expected every morning and I end up not eating properly because I'm tired after making 4 other breakfasts. My husband leaves him in the house alone with. Me when he doesn't want to work and I've. Said. To. Him so many times that I'm so uncomftable being left alone with him as I feel like so much. Of my privacy has already been stripped away from me by him just being here, I feel like he's taking over the house. It's got. To the point now my husband is just siding with him and telling me to put up with it and deal with it. This morning I didn't. Make him breakfast and instead. Of getting rhe hint that I didn't want to do it for him he went upstairs to bed and waited for me to cook his breakfast and call him down. I just don't get what is so wrong with telling someone to do their own things, hes not a child he's. 24 and I'm fed up of being a slave, fed up now of sharing my house. Me and my husbands relationship is suffering because I don't feel comfortable being intimate with my husband because his brother is in the next room and keeps his door wide open at night,its like he's almost doing it. On purpose to come between us. I'm. Not allowed. To say anything because I'll be classed as a trouble maker. In the. Family because of their. Culture, but my husband. Is to scared. To say anything too and just. Keeps saying what can ido tell him to leave. I've told him unless he talks to his brother and sorts him out. Then I want him to tell his brother to go and live with. His sister,do you think Im being selfish? I'm just so exhausted I have my own 2.small kids and husband to look after and I just don't like it anymore.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/01/2021 08:06

Please seek help OP - do you have family at all. I have a horrible feeling you may not.

CardinalCat · 12/01/2021 08:10

Please have your hand checked out and tell the doctor that your husband did this to you. You cannot live like this or let two children witness this dynamic. You're young and have the rest of your life ahead of you.Thanks

CardinalCat · 12/01/2021 08:11

www.womensaid.org.uk

Potentialscrooge · 12/01/2021 08:11

Firstly I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Your husbands a piece of shit.

You need to get your things and leave. He has physically assaulted you, you need to call the police and women’s aid and get yourself to a place of safety. He needs arresting.

Just think what advice you would give to your daughter, if she was in your situation and her husband had physically assaulted her, what would you say?
Pack your things. If he’s not in the house do what all wise mumsnetters say - ducks in a row. Take the children’s passports and get photos of all the financial documents, bank statements mortgage etc. Any business accounts, insurance all that stuff. Take your marriage certificate also.

Also, keep some ice on your hand and take painkillers- if it’s really bad you may need to go to hospital, unfortunately broken bones may need more medical help. Take photos of any visible injury’s - swelling etc. You also need to write down somewhere a quick summary of exactly what happened (before you forget the details) maybe in notes on your phone?

If he hasn’t done this before then I’d be surprised. Things will only escalate from here. So sorry OP.

SharonasCorona · 12/01/2021 08:17

I’m so sorry OP. I really would call the police on him for doing that to you.

What is the housing situation like, are you renting or do you have a mortgage? Is there anywhere you can go?

Please call your doctor as well.

An0n0n0n · 12/01/2021 08:31

You have one chance to reclaim your power and demonstrate this isn't ok.

Think about your kids. They won't thank you for sticking in this.

If you stay then plaster a happy smile on your face because this is your life. But you can be so much happier without this shit.

Original poster
Zenab12 · 12/01/2021 08:39

@Potentialscrooge

Firstly I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Your husbands a piece of shit.

You need to get your things and leave. He has physically assaulted you, you need to call the police and women’s aid and get yourself to a place of safety. He needs arresting.

Just think what advice you would give to your daughter, if she was in your situation and her husband had physically assaulted her, what would you say?
Pack your things. If he’s not in the house do what all wise mumsnetters say - ducks in a row. Take the children’s passports and get photos of all the financial documents, bank statements mortgage etc. Any business accounts, insurance all that stuff. Take your marriage certificate also.

Also, keep some ice on your hand and take painkillers- if it’s really bad you may need to go to hospital, unfortunately broken bones may need more medical help. Take photos of any visible injury’s - swelling etc. You also need to write down somewhere a quick summary of exactly what happened (before you forget the details) maybe in notes on your phone?

If he hasn’t done this before then I’d be surprised. Things will only escalate from here. So sorry OP.

I asked him to take me last night to get it checked he told me to take myself, I couldn't sleep all night because every time I moved it I woke up, I can move the ends of my fingers but the pain is when I touch the beginning of my thumb and first 2 fingers if that make sense but when I move that's when it hurts. It's not bruised, but my second finger is swollen. He just keeps telling me to move my hand and it will get better. Ive been crying all morning, I've never had these thoughts before but I honestly feel like hurting myself
OP posts:
noenergy · 12/01/2021 09:06

Please do not hurt yourself, you need to look after yourself for yourself and for your children.

If he won't take you to the doctor then go yourself, show him that you don't need to rely on him. You need to gain some independence in your life.

Weenurse · 12/01/2021 09:14

Go to a doctor and tell them what happened.
You can’t safely stay there at the moment.

Beefcurtains79 · 12/01/2021 09:23

You need to sort this out and leave now. Your husband is a domestic abuser, and his brother will eventually have no problem joining in. Next you might catch the brother going through your daughters underwear drawer, by that time you’ll be being told to shut up with his, and your lovely husbands fists.
Did you marry in this country or Pakistan?

olympicsrock · 12/01/2021 09:40

What a horrible piece of shit your husband is. You deserve better. You are young ang ans would be better off without him

EdgeOfACoin · 12/01/2021 09:57

OP, this is the number of the Muslim Women's Network Helpine:

0800 999 5786 / 0303 999 5786

They also have a website and an email address which is [email protected]

Please get some advice from someone who will be used to helping people in your situation. Your husband is now physically abusing you and the longer you stay, the worse it will get. Also, the longer you stay, the more your children will witness and pick up bad patterns of behaviour.

Please call someone who can help you.

None of this is acceptable, 'culturally' or otherwise.

LannieDuck · 12/01/2021 10:17

Make an appointment with a GP today and tell them how it happened. I would also call the police non-emergency number and tell them that your husband hurt you. But I understand if you don't feel you can do that yet.

Your husband has obviously told your MIL a half-truth. There's no way he told her BIL went through your underwear drawer.

Do you have somewhere you can go with the kids? I would get out of the house for a couple of weeks at least and show him you're serious.

timeisnotaline · 12/01/2021 10:40

Please take some photos and notes with your phone right now. Then make an appt at the doctor, and call the police. It’s a crime and they need to know to protect you. You are 24 and can have a long amazing life with your lovely children, but not with this shitty excuse for a husband.

Zerrin13 · 12/01/2021 11:01

I can imagine this isnt the first time he has hit you. He is showing you what the framework and rules are in your marriage to him. As I said before you are there fir donestic care and sex. You are not permitted to act as if you are more important than his family. He is showing you where you are in the pecking order.
Either accept this shitty excuse for a marriage, smile at all times, never question him about anything, act as if his family can do no wrong, wear their traditional clothes to show you are a good little woman and make sure you are very very grateful at all times that he is paying for your food and board and that of your children's even though they are his kids too. Getting a thump and a backhander across the face is a normal way to treat woman who step out of line by these uneducated neanderthals.
If I was you I would put up and shut up whilst planning my escape. You are so young and have your whole life infront of you. I wonder what your Mum thinks?

TonMoulin · 12/01/2021 11:04

Your DH has shown his true colour as a bully and a violent man.

Your need to go and see the GP to be checked up. You need photos. And you need support in RL to get out.
There is no more excuses about a different culture. What he did is a crime and illegal. Don’t accept it.

SpiderGwen · 12/01/2021 11:22

Can you go to your parents’ house? Please, please ring either Women’s Aid or the Muslim Women’s Network and get help.

You need to keep yourself safe.

Potentialscrooge · 12/01/2021 11:46

Please keep yourself safe. Get out now, your feeling like this because of his actions, you have done nothing wrong. Xxx

CheckMate2021 · 12/01/2021 12:03

@Zenab12 lots of people have already said this, but this is another organisation that can help

www.nour-dv.org.uk/

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/01/2021 12:27

I'm very sorry, OP, but not at all surprised - this is what I meant about you being at risk, and now the physical violence has started I don't want to think about what could happen if he gets the rest of the family involved in it

Have you actually looked at any of the support sites we've linked - did you find any of them useful?

BlueSuffragette · 12/01/2021 12:48

OP I understand it will be difficult for you to go to the GP or hospital as you will probably get no support with caring for your children. Can you go and stay with your own family and get help? You need to get support as your H treatment if you is abusive. He has shown you who us really is and what little respect he has for you. Please get help from the advice posted such as womens aid etc. You need to leave or it will get much worse.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 12/01/2021 12:48

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do look at our Domestic Violence page. It might also be worth you thinking about whether you are being coercively controlled using an idea of a cultural norm that isn't a cultural norm. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Lots to think about, we know, and that's especially hard when your home situation becomes violent, but do please try.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers'

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/01/2021 13:03

Nice one, @HopeMumsnet Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/01/2021 13:12

You are young and would be better off without him

Very true, but the trouble is that he's probably thinking the same in reverse - and predictably the rest of the family are now turning aginst OP too

You really do need to get some real life support here, OP, and another advantage of getting yourself to hospital is that, sadly, they see this all the time so will be able to refer you to the best sources of help

Godimabitch · 12/01/2021 13:36

I'm so sorry it's gone this way.

You need to take your kids and leave. Your husband should never hurt you.

Either go to the hospital or your gp. Tell them you need help, your husband hit you, you have no where to go. They'll help you get the support you need.

You deserve so much better, do not stay in that house and do not let your children either.

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