To defend my kids over noise given lockdown restrictions?

[Needsomegoodies]

We live in a terraced house, with wooden floors, so I appreciate noise carries. My children are not ‘naturally quiet’ and can be quite active and yes, sometimes they drive me mad thumping but only ever briefly, they are always asked to quieten down and consider the neighbours and are just regular excitable children. They are excellent sleepers so make no noise between 8pm and 8am and we’ve lived in our house since before the kids and no one has ever complained. Both my husband and I are WFH and home schooling the children, 8 and 5, which is hard. I spent the morning working with my little one to get her school work done at the expense of my own work while the older one worked online. I then took them both out for a walk for an hour at lunchtime to burn off some energy, then tried to juggle the afternoon working, helping older child finish school stuff, while 5 yo did colouring and played a quiet game alone. At about 5pm they were given permission to chill out and watch tv so I could get on with some work and DH went to shops to get stuff for dinner. They were quiet to start with but then started playing a game and jumping. After about 10 mins I went in and asked them to stop (which they did for all of 3 mins..) and after another 10 mins there was hammering on my front door and new (moved in just before Christmas) neighbour stated ranting at me about ‘excessive noise that was constant and relentless’ when they were trying to work. I explained that although the kids had been noisy right then, they’d been quiet most of the day and he claimed, no it’s constant and you need to stop the noise. I explained the challenges we are all facing and that it’s hard on the children but he seems to think they still shouldn’t be jumping around or making noise. At the end of the day. During a lockdown. His daughter of about 20 then joined him claiming she understood its hard as she’s young too but I replied no, she’s not 5, she has no idea. The kids are stuck at home and can’t see their friends so surely they can’t be begrudged some active play with a sibling from time to time, even if it’s a bit noisy?!

I’m massively stressed and exhausted and this has upset me but I don’t think I’m in the wrong here.

Or AIBU?

Thank god my neighbours have adult children only. I couldn't be dealing with this selfish bollocks.

I'd maybe talk to your neighbours and try to reach a compromise- is there a time of day where they would most appreciate quiet hours, eg "I have a zoom calls 10-12.30 most days" or something like that? If you could keep the kids quiet/go out during their core hours maybe your neighbour would be more agreeable to normal kid noise the rest of the time.

It is hard for everyone but they need to take responsibility for themselves too with noise cancelling headphones and the like. Some noise from kids is normal.

@ScrumpyBetty just saw that on re-reading now, most responses I’ve seen have been empathetic, everyone is having a tougher time than usual including the OPs neighbours. I have given a few different solutions as have many other posters, hopefully the Op can take some on board and it will make their life and their neighbours’ life easier

I think your problem is that they have moved from a detached to a terrace . The fact that you have lived there for many years and never had any issues before means that there is unlikely to be a major issue , they have just completely failed to understand the logistics of living in terraced housing. It to me to me as if you are doing a pretty good job and go remind the children of noise etc but the motto is that if you see noise sensitive go not buy a terraced house

Children playing normally in their own home during daytime is normal noise. Christ, even children shouting during daytime is normal noise: it's what they do.

Obviously they wouldn't usually be at home and neither would you nor your neighbour but the circumstances around that are completely out of all of your control.

Not much you can do other than what you are doing ie keeping them occupied as best you can and shushing them if they get too rowdy.

We've got a couple with young kids next door and ofc I hear them when I'm wfh but tbh it just makes me feel sad for the kids being cooped up like that and sympathetic to the parents having to deal with it day after relentless day. I certainly wouldn't be knocking on their door after 15 minutes of larking about at 5pm.

What you said to neighbour is fine, just keep reiterating that you're doing your best and tell him you're busy if he complains again.

Sorry , lots of odd typos there . If you replace do for go it makes sense I think !

@Ginfordinner

Yes, silence is golden😂

I would add that normal noise is fine. It is the screeching I can't bear.

They are in a terraced house not a flat so I doubt the noise is that bad.

I would monitor it, being honest with yourself as to how loud it all is, as pp says - the fact that you have lived there as long as you have without issue means it is probably more them than you. If you feel that your noise is normal living noise then next time they complain say that you have monitored it and considered it against all guidance and that you consider the noise to be normal living noise levels, that in a terrace you will both hear some noise as that is the nature of an attached property and that if they disagree then they are welcome to take. It up with environmental health.

Good god, some of the responses on this thread!

Your new neighbour who if they are that sensitive to noise should surely have not bought a terraced house next to kids in a pandemic where we all have to stay home as much as possible, is utterly UR.

If they knock again tell them to fuck off and you’ll be calling the police as they are harassing you.

If you pander to fools like this, they will just push it further and further and make your life hell.

I guess we all have different levels of tolerance for different types of noise. Eg there's a neighbour over the way whose dog barks all day. Probably has done for years but I've not been at home during the day before so never realised previously. Now that, I find annoying.

Next door's kids, although I can hear them, don't annoy me. Maybe it's because they're nice kids and a nice family generally, but actually I think it's probably just that kids making a noise doesn't push my buttons anyway plus I just feel for them: being at home all day with stressed parents and not seeing your friends and family is so far from being a regular childhood, it's really sad. When mine were little we were in and out of friends' houses all the time and belting around the park mob handed. Now kids are just running up and down inside houses and that's way worse for them than it is for me listening to it.

Lots of people are saying op should take hers kids out to burn off energy. However, we have all been asked to limit our trips out. In school the kids would have 2/3 breaks in the playground to run about and probably a chance to play out with friends after school. Now most kids might get an hour in the park if parents' work schedules allow. So yes, there are probably a lot of kids cooped up indoors with energy to burn and keeping them quiet all the time is tricky. It's hard wfh when the neighbours kids are noisy but it's also hard wfh and trying to teach 2 kids. I little bit of tolerance would go a long way...

Oh gosh - ok sorry, we'll try to keep it down is fine then goodbye.

I think given your dc are working quietly and asleep for 12 hours by 8pm they have very little to complain about given the circumstances and at 5pm they are unlikely to be settled for the evening trying to chill I'm incredibly conscious of the noise my dc make as we live upstairs in a 4 in a block so have someone beside us and below but shot you describe isn't unreasonable in the slightest

I think your neighbours ABU because it was your first interaction with them and they went nuclear. I'd understand it more if they'd politely raised it several time and you'd been dismissive.

I laughed at the post from the person that Iives in "loud harmony". That's what it's like here. One deaf guy who loves noisy strimmers and to take calls pacing round his garden, us with our ADHD child up a tree shouting, next doors 3 and 6 year old shouting back at her.

But if you wanted to take the moral higher ground you could ask if they have particular meetings or night shifts they are sleeping after and try to go out during those times. My heart does sink a bit when the strimmer comes out and I have to teach a double lesson on Teams.

My last comment was a response to @Ginfordinner talking about screeching btw.

I agree with @Doveyouknow. Normally kids would be doing their running around and shouting in a playground at regular intervals but right now they can't. Seems a bit off to get pissed off with them about that as it's hardly their or their parents' fault.

Hello - we used to live in a 4-in-a-block upstairs flat when my DD was younger, so I know how child noise can travel - it's important to be considerate. We wanted wooden floors throughout for the aesthetics but we knew that wouldn't be fair to our neighbours so we compromised on carpet with thick underlay in the rooms most affected and rugs on wooden floors in the others. It was appreciated! Maybe try the same?

I’m shocked by the lack of empathy and suggestions to tell neighbours to fuck off. That is going to help isn’t it!

This is a hard time for everyone. Some empathy and willingness to compromise is needed. Recognising there is a middle ground between having silence and outrageous noise is necessary and willingness to adjust is vital.

Those neighbours never asked for silence. They weren’t unreasonable. The children don’t have to be silent or not live a normal childhood. Limiting screaming and banging on walls or wooden floors is reasonable and possible. Trying to defend excessive noisy behaviour is being an arse and it isn’t a sign of weakness to acknowledge the neighbours might have a point. It’s possible to say you will try to make some adjustments without saying you will make the children silent or to feel like it’s a massive defeat. It’s not a war...unless you make it one by starting to tell neighbours to fuck off.

So neighbours SHOULD be able to go round and politely mention excessive noise. Honestly, I’d want to know because if it was my household making it, I probably wouldn’t have been aware the. Ouse was carrying so much.

Isn’t this all about tone. It’s about mentioning politely. It’s about being reasonable and not asking for daft, impossible things like silence. It’s acknowledging that times are hard for everyone. It’s recognising and thanking people when they do make so all adjustments. It’s about empathy and recognising that living in close proximity requirements some consideration for others and that we won’t get exactly what we want all the time. It’s about having a co-operative relationship rather than seeing a request as an attack and that one has a right to do whatever one wants.

Small adjustments are pretty easy. The rugs, the persevering with stopping the children loudly screaming, the stopping them banging on walls. Why on earth wouldn’t you try and do those things? No-ones saying they shouldn’t play and run around and laugh and sing and have fun and sometimes shout.

It’s hard for everyone

But to expect children to not play in their own house reasonably In the day Is ridiculous

Your neighbour is probably generally pissed off and fed up like we all are and needs to deal with that himself

We have a rule now abusive ex has left that there is no shouting in our house. If I break the rule DD (4) tells me off and I do the same. The house is so calm now.

I’d have laughed in his face.

Your neighbour is probably not used to the noise but there is literally nothing you can do. These are not usual circumstances and it sounds like your trying your best

Yes there is. They can get their kids to not go back to playing noisy games three minutes after being told off for being noisy.

Many adults are struggling in difficult conditions to work from home and keep their jobs going. The right of a selfish parent who can't be bothered to parent their child does not trump the right of the poor bugger next door to do their job in an adequate environment.

@Royalbloo

We have a rule now abusive ex has left that there is no shouting in our house. If I break the rule DD (4) tells me off and I do the same. The house is so calm now.

Tbf the noise level of one four year old is completely different to the noise that can be generated by a seven and four year old whilst they are actually getting on. Yesterday I was trying to complete work and Dd3 (4) was naked horse riding dd2 (7) who was also naked and on all fours trotting around the living room whilst dd2 was making a ridiculously high pitched neighing noise. Fucking madness - but these times are not normal and every one is just trying their best to stay afloat

If they are silent btwn 8pm to 8am, and it's not screaming and swearing but more thumping and laughing then I think YANBU. Most of my neighbours have been worse than this, either making noise at night so we can't sleep, or kids who scream and whine all day, or one who had a barking dog. People complain about kids in restaurants, on planes, in their own gardens and now in their own houses? By far the worse behaviour I've ever witnessed I these places have been by adults. We are a nation with very low tolerance for children. They need to play, they need physical play, it won't always be quiet.

Some of the people on here is why I don't rent my old London flat out to people with children.

Do people really believe that a 5 year old is being disobedient for being loud whilst playing? They are 5, they did follow the instruction to be quiet - but at 5 that request will be forgotten about as soon as they get distracted. So the 5 year old isn't being naughty, they are being 5. The 8 year old is more capabable of being quiet when told, but again children don't realise they are getting louder when they are playing and excited. These are not bad children.

I think alot of people have naturally calmer, quieter children and so they automatically think louder, energetic children are behaving badly when in actual fact it is just different personality types. Your ndn does need to accept that children are not in school at the moment and so there will be noise throughout the day.

However, could you look at re-arranging the room as others have said? They are children playing during day time hours, so there isn't really alot you can do. You can't spend all day telling high energy children to be calm and quiet because it won't work for a start, and the poor children will be constantly being moaned at. I understand it is not nice for the neighbour, but you are doing your best.